Is he just my escape?

[Cornputer]

Hey, thanks for tuning in. Hope you will make it to the end and leave behind a thought or two, would be very much appreciated!

 

I'm a 20 year old woman, as of today I already have a successful career built for myself and work has always been my number one priority. But mainly because that's all I had. I had no hobbies, no friends, didn't bother making any as I have trust issues, simply didn't care anymore as being alone I was safe, and I am a lone wolf by nature anyway. I've enjoyed the last 2 years, I've been working very hard, travelled a lot, saw a lot, all that. I was alone and a very happy loner.

 

Things shifted right at the start of 2019. Sweet mum was diagnosed with cancer (she is very strong and fighting through chemo currently), I met a guy who's gotten me curious about a different kind of lifestyle, having my mind in different places makes work very stressful and so on. My mind's become foggy. I'm not sure anymore. I've always had a crazy desire for freedom, but I used my job as a band aid of sorts to hide it, to then go on a vacation and go skydiving, bungee jumping, anything to feel 20 again. Afterwards it was hard to get back into the swing of things but I've always managed to force myself back into a routine. This time things are different.

 

The guy who I mentioned (wonderful fella, by the way) is also 20, in university and things are currently long distance, but that'd be temporary. He is very different than me. He's very warm, he's crazy, he doesn't care, he's honest and genuinely an awesome person. He's lived here and there, been homeless for some days and lived in a hammock in Mexico because he was too stubborn to ask parents for help. He's done a lot. He's constantly around people although deep down he is also an introvert, but he just kinda "is" and already that makes me feel the need for freedom again.

 

It's been 3 months since I met him, I'm not sure how invested I am per se. Sometimes I think I've fallen for him, other times I know I haven't. Then I miss him again and what not. Very back and forth from my end. But he is already pretty serious about me. But I'm just lost.

 

Often I just want to leave. He will be done with university in a year and I just want to go. I've mentioned it to him that, granted if things are okay between us, what if we just went away for a while. He loves the idea, we don't discuss it really because, well, smarter to stick with the present I believe. But the thought is there and it makes me happy. But what about my job that I do love dearly. My parents would be extremely disappointed if I decided to go. I just don't know. But what if 20 years down the line, I'll have it all (a job, a nice house, a family) and then I decide that I for once want to live as well? I don't know!

 

4/20 weekend is coming up (I am 4/20 friendly) and me and the guy are going on a road trip (Germany, Netherlands, Belgium), and I am so excited. I'll miss a few days of work for it. Which is a big deal for me. But I just want to go.

 

I also feel bad I might string him along or something. I don't know how I feel about him, we have met up 5 times (3-5 days at a time) and at one point I was opening up fast, but some big utterly pointless fights have made me raise up my walls again. We haven't had the "exclusive talk" so I tell myself I technically don't owe him my full commitment, but I hope you get what I mean.

 

Of course it doesn't make sense to tell me how to act (leave my job, leave him) but maybe people more wise than me have input?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

There are few better ways to see if you're compatible with someone long-term than to travel with them, so I think after you're trip you probably won't have all these questions. It will be a more clear yes or a more clear no.

 

Just got and enjoy your trip (sounds fun!), and see how you feel afterwards. That's my advice .