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Am i unreasonable to have doubts over this??


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Old 15th April 2019, 6:25 PM   #1
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Am i unreasonable to have doubts over this??

I recently went on a first date with a guy that has a kid and is 37. The kid lives with his mum. He told me that he is single 8.months now and the last relationship was with his kid's mother , but they are over two years now in reality as he told me.

I asked him if he is sure he is really over because at the end of the day he is tied with her for the kid and 8 months isnt really a long time anyway. He said he is really over and they talk strictly for the kid and if he wouldn't have to talk he wouldn't.

I told him the only reason i am asking is because this is online and a lot of people may lie about stuff. He said he wouldn't lie as he had this experience before being lied too from online so he wouldn't do it.

Just to note here he first started asking personal questions about my situation, dating history and stuff. I told him i had married at 25 for 2 years and then divorced. Im now 32. No kids.

He also told me his ex is not a good mum and selfish. I take this all with a pinch of salt tbh.

He asked me out for Wednesday before i leave on holiday.

I guess my doubts here are not of course about the kid but

1. Possibility of rebound
2. How over really can he be since he is obliged to be in contact with her even only for the kid.

I guess its difficult to know when you have no reference for someone.

I just dont wanna get played for a fool as i got burnt before
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:31 PM   #2
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It's not unreasonable to have doubts, but I'd say if you're interested in him give it a chance. Just keep your expectations low to begin with and see how things go. Unfortunately there are never any guarantees that we won't be burned.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:36 PM   #3
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I know... my last relationship was a man that told me he was single when in fact he was married all along and lying fortunately i found out within 4 months.

Now ever since its difficult to trust.

Yes i like him but as i said i don't want to get burnt
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:37 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrys31 View Post
He told me that he is single 8.months now and the last relationship was with his kid's mother , but they are over two years now in reality as he told me.
Which is it?

How old is the child? How long were they together?

I don't like that he was badmouthing the mother of his child on his first date with you. Especially since the child lives with the mom, and not him....does he have any custody at all of this child?
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:41 PM   #5
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Do a background check and verify if he's married or not still.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:41 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Which is it?

How old is the child? How long were they together?

I don't like that he was badmouthing the mother of his child on his first date with you. Especially since the child lives with the mom, and not him....does he have any custody at all of this child?
He sees him very often as he told me, the child is 5.

Yes thats what he told me. That he is single 8 months now officially but they are over for two yrs in reality.

Yes him badmouthing was necessarily a good thing but i dunno how he may feel.

My doubts dont even come from that.

Mainly it is about the real relationship between them now and how over can he really be since he does talk to her even only about the child

He told me they were 6 yrs together and engaged.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:42 PM   #7
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Do a background check and verify if he's married or not still.
He is not married. He told me he was engaged the new guy.

My last relationship was with a guy that lied to me and since then it has been difficult to trust
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:45 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Chrys31 View Post
Mainly it is about the real relationship between them now and how over can he really be since he does talk to her even only about the child.
Well, only time will tell. Plenty of people who share custody of a child don't still harbor feelings for each other. They will have to be in contact a lot, so you have to be confident enough in your relationship to deal with that.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:51 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Well, only time will tell. Plenty of people who share custody of a child don't still harbor feelings for each other. They will have to be in contact a lot, so you have to be confident enough in your relationship to deal with that.
Yes this and the fact that this comes from online. I really cant place much trust right now which is a shame.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:21 PM   #10
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I'm of 2 minds:

1. Give everybody a chance. Go meet the guy for coffee see how he is in real life

2. If your gut is already telling you he's bad news, listen & don't waste your time.

How reliable is your gut?

Do you actually understand that anybody with kids will always be in touch with the other parent. You don't get the luxury of NC when you share children.
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:26 PM   #11
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In life, there are never any guarantees. Relationships are always a risk.

All you can do is take things slow and keep your eyes open. Trust your gut. The truth will be revealed to you in time...
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Old 16th April 2019, 1:36 PM   #12
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I would back out. Any man that goes out of his way to tell you about how s^&%$$# his ex is, is either a dbag himself, she's cray cray or their relationship is hostile/toxic. That's something you should never get involved with.
just think...you are going to hear more negativity about this ex...total downer.
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Old 16th April 2019, 5:59 PM   #13
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But why would you take what he said about his ex with a pinch of salt , there are plenty of very selfish mums out there believe me.
Him saying that says a lot about what he thinks of her these days, it didn't sound like a bitter thing more like he sees the person she is now and doesn't like it.
So nah , from that he has no interest in her.
There is still a lot of every serious emotional stuff that comes with divorce especially when kids are involved , but that's a different thing.
And the contact because of the children and that can be very emotional too , but just because of the whole situation and other side of the coin and it's a a very painful thing to know this is how it has to be for your children now. Not to mention being stuck to having to see your ex all the time when you'd really prefer her just out of your life now. There's nothing nice about it believe me.
But again that's all a totally different thing to still being stuck on the ex.
As far as whether he is ready, and what type of person he is there's not enough here to know,
But l'd say if you really like him so far all you can do is spend a bit more time with him and see what you think of the situation and him and obviously watch out for your concerns.

Last edited by chillii; 16th April 2019 at 6:05 PM..
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Old 18th April 2019, 6:13 AM   #14
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I texted him yesterday for good morning we said to meet at 8 pm . Then around afternoon i found that this place that i had chosen to go unfortunately was closed today and if we could go somewhere else.

He answered that he got stuck on a job and said sorry he couldn't be there at the agreed time and hopefully i would let him take me out after my holiday or today.

I told him that if he doesnt want to meet that night, that's fine and he said he was looking forward to this.

He did apologise many times and said he wants to make it up to me and give me a neck massage .

He said he feels bad and i said that these things happen sometimes so no need to worry.

Tbh it seems to me as an excuse not to meet for whatever reason.

So I guess next???
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Old 18th April 2019, 6:36 AM   #15
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It could be legit but the place you suggested being closed may also have been a sign. Moreover his offer to give you a neck message is rather forward bordering on creepy at this point.
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