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I want to meet my boyfriend's female friend


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Old 15th April 2019, 3:09 PM   #16
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She is still definitely interested in him, so watch your back. Is she planning to move to your city? Why is she even visiting, except to see him?

I don't think your BF is being respectful to you. I would have a talk with him and let him know that meeting her without you bothers you. If she is truly over him, she should be more than willing to meet you.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:09 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
Understand that she's coming in town to shoot her best shot... he knows it and she knows it... that's what the whole meet up is about and why neither of them want you around.

It's that he's trying to keep you from knowing that.

Yeah, you being disappointed might not scare him enough--just be warned.

The fact is: his little friend actually has romantic notions about him that she kept to herself until after he met you because she thought she had time to develop that. She doesn't now--what she has to do is convince him that you are the wrong choice and he's a 1/4 of the way there by even bending his mind to spending the weekend taking her around everywhere without you.
I really appreciate your straightforward response. Definitely given me a lot to think about. I'm also considering the possibility that my boyfriend is just displaying immaturity in the sense of being a pushover. Perhaps he truly does want to stay on high moral grounds and not do anything with her, but wants to avoid being assertive. In that case, that definitely would still make me question our relationship because I'm not being appropriately prioritized.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:11 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by damni View Post
The fact she does not want to meet you is a big warning sign and add on to that is your boyfriend agreeing to this arrangement is a big no no.

It shows he is not innocent in this either.

My sister partner had a similar situation with a female friend. The female friend did not want to meet my sister and it was found out that my sister partner and this female friend had past romantic interest in each other. My sister gave him an ultimatum and he did cut all contact with the female friend.who was never really just a friend.
Thanks for sharing that experience! So far my boyfriend hasn't made it clear to me whether or not he agrees with her response (I wanted to have a well thought out response to him, based on the advice and forewarnings that the forum members have given me) but I definitely will be questioning him if he just gives in to what she wants and doesn't prioritize me as he should.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:13 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Tamfana View Post
It made you uneasy because he wants to be friends with someone who's had the hots for him and doesn't want you part of their friendship. He's being either dumb about this (would he be cool with your ex wanting to be alone with you?) or he still wants that relationship private too.

I'm in favor of respecting partners' friendships. But this is the exception. Any friend who wants to keep a private relationship with someone in a solid relationship with someone else is up to no good.
You presented truths to me in a way that I wasn't able to verbalize for myself. Thank you. I will definitely be using what you said in my response to him in person.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:15 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
You're being naive to trust him that far. He's seeing her alone without you for a reason. He was interested in her and that hasn't changed, and now she's after him for certain. He loves the attention and validation and they are going to cross the line. If they weren't, you'd be invited along.

He would have a cow if you wanted to do the same thing he's doing here, so you just remind him of that.
I appreciate the straightforwardness. I'm definitely going to be pushing these uncomfortable truths in his face and really base my decisions about this relationship on how he reacts to them.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:21 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I don't think it's appropriate for him to be spending alone time with her knowing that she is not a friend of your relationship.

Have you considered the possibility that he is not even planning on asking her to meet you? There might be a reason he doesn't want to introduce you two. Perhaps there was more to their connection than he's letting on and doesn't want you to hear about it from her, for example. Would you really be any wiser if he never bothered asking her and claims she turned down the invitation?

I would not be comfortable at all with this situation, for either of the above reasons.
I've definitely wondered if he's capable of being that manipulative, where he feigns just enough transparency to placate me. I know anything is possible and all humans have the capacity to be ****ty, but my gut feeling and experiences with him thus far haven't pointed to that notion. It is something I'm well aware could be a possibility. I've yet to really hash out this topic with him (that'll happen tomorrow or early this week) but I will be presenting this uncomfortable truths to him. Thank you for your response!
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:21 PM   #22
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That's about all you can do. He shouldn't even ask her if she wants you to come. He should wait until the day and say, Okay, me and sweetpeaelle will see you at 3:00.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:28 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
Trust isn't the issue....it's just not appropriate to carry on a friendship with someone that still has feelings/emotional attachment. I find it very presumptuous of her to expect him to spend time with her while he is dating you. Doesn't matter if they don't "do" anything. There are boundaries that should have been set before all this happened. I'm sure he would feel uncomfortable if you were carrying on a friendship with a guy that you had an interest in, still kept in contact, and respected his feelings more than your BF's.
I agree with everything that you said! I'll admit that it was poor judgement to be okay with him continuing a friendship with her when it wasn't apparent that she had fully moved on. I guess I was just so convinced by the transparency that he had with me, that I never really questioned if this was even a healthy friendship for them to pursue. I didn't feel disrespected then, but now I'm definitely starting to feel peeved.
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:30 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by fishlips View Post
She is still definitely interested in him, so watch your back. Is she planning to move to your city? Why is she even visiting, except to see him?

I don't think your BF is being respectful to you. I would have a talk with him and let him know that meeting her without you bothers you. If she is truly over him, she should be more than willing to meet you.
She just purchased a place in her city, so I doubt that she would be moving here. She's visiting because she's accompanying her parent who has a work conference in our city.

I'll definitely be having an assertive conversation with him. Thank you for your reply!
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Old 15th April 2019, 5:42 PM   #25
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Rather then letting the friend dictate the terms, because you are his GF he needs to make her meeting you a condition of him spending time with her. Whose feelings are more important here, hers or yours? It's not even about trust; it's about priorities & manners.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:06 PM   #26
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I'll answer from the perspective of someone who has, regrettably, been in the same situation as your BF.

Yes, they still have a romantic connection and will be invested in what happens in each other's relationships with a little too much interest and a smidge of jealousy. They will try to keep their friendship away from other partners to avert suspicion of a vibe they themselves will not freely admit to.

Your boyfriend still gets a pay off of having plan B on the hook and it will bother him anytime this option is off the table. He will portray clear boundaries, but they are anything but clear.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:14 PM   #27
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Rather then letting the friend dictate the terms, because you are his GF he needs to make her meeting you a condition of him spending time with her. Whose feelings are more important here, hers or yours? It's not even about trust; it's about priorities & manners.
You're so right! I need to assert my feelings as a priority, and yeah, her refusal would definitely be a form of disrespect. Thank you for the reminder!
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:20 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by emeraldgreen View Post
I'll answer from the perspective of someone who has, regrettably, been in the same situation as your BF.

Yes, they still have a romantic connection and will be invested in what happens in each other's relationships with a little too much interest and a smidge of jealousy. They will try to keep their friendship away from other partners to avert suspicion of a vibe they themselves will not freely admit to.

Your boyfriend still gets a pay off of having plan B on the hook and it will bother him anytime this option is off the table. He will portray clear boundaries, but they are anything but clear.
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They will try to keep their friendship away from other partners to avert suspicion of a vibe they themselves will not freely admit to.
Oh my god, you verbalized what I couldn't explain to myself. I'm sad to say that that really seems like the case here. I sense a lot of denial, and I have to bring this up when I talk to him. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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Old 15th April 2019, 6:23 PM   #29
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You said that he has been very transparent about his relationship with her to you. Have you thought about the possibility that he has not been very transparent about his relationship with you to her? One can certainly surmise that he hasnít depicted you as the love of his life by any means, if she feels confident enough to come spend the entire weekend with him. I think they are both hoping that the sparks fly between them and that their love prevails. Theyíre each otherís ďone that got away.Ē As others have said, he would be bringing you along at some point during that weekend, if he was more committed to you. You should seriously rethink this relationship. Iím sure youíre boyfriend isnít a bad guy. Itís just very clear, based on what you wrote, that he still has very strong feelings for his ex.
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Old 16th April 2019, 2:38 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by sweetpeaelle View Post
I really appreciate your straightforward response. Definitely given me a lot to think about. I'm also considering the possibility that my boyfriend is just displaying immaturity in the sense of being a pushover. Perhaps he truly does want to stay on high moral grounds and not do anything with her, but wants to avoid being assertive. In that case, that definitely would still make me question our relationship because I'm not being appropriately prioritized.
But isn't it odd how his "moral high ground" stops just short of him saying to himself "what am I doing? Sweetpeaelle is my girlfriend and she should come meet this friend of mine--no ifs, ands or butts about it. Friend is going to have to deal with it or she can go back home."

That's his control mechanism--that's how he keeps you manipulated by acting like the befuddled, immature boyfriend. He knows like he knows that nose on his face that were you to have an orbiter friend who used to have the hots for you come in from out of town to spend the weekend doing stuff with you with no mention of him even taking part in the weekend at all---his hair would catch on fire over it. He'd get mature real fast on that tip.
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Last edited by kendahke; 16th April 2019 at 2:44 PM..
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