4th date, not sure what is happening.

[Soulinfected]

I will endeavour to summarize this best as possible;

I met someone on Tinder one month ago; I am 35, she is 33. We had a good first date - three hours together chatting at a bar. I moved us to a couch and eventually went in for the kiss which was reciprocated, I walked her to the bus stop (we don't drive in Auckland city because it's a nightmare). She already talked about wanting another date - We kissed a lot and she left and text me when she got home saying it was a great night.

First thing I learned was that she doesn't text much, so I don't text her much either.

 

She text me a couple of days later, and I arranged a second date the week after and that was dinner at a Mexican restaurant, we weren't out all night as she had a 7am flight.

 

Third night she was in town and text me after a metal (Slayer) show had finished and she knew I would be back in town, we met and she came back to mine and we made out on the bed and things got heated but she ended it before going home.

 

Since then over the last week she has been texting me a lot more, I always let her text first because she takes ages to reply and that made me think she's not interested, so I decided to only text if she texts first. So the texting went on for about three days even though I had arranged the next date.

 

So last night was the fourth date and we went from dinner - to stand up comedy then a few games of pool somewhere else. While we were kissing I said that I wanted to take her back to my place, she politely declined with a smile saying "not tonight", which I responded with no worries and we continued our final game.

When I walked her back to the bus stop she seemed a little less hot for me than previous dates - and said I didn't have to wait with her at the bus stop, I actually just live like ten meters from there so it's no big deal and she knows that. I realized that I had initiated most of the kissing/contact that night. She continued chatting anyway and we kissed before she left on her bus.

 

For some reason I am expecting her to text at some stage saying she's not interested any more, though I think this may be irrational thought. I'm just wondering about advice on how to proceed with her dating wise, I've been single since 2015. I was just going to see if she texts me, if not I'll make contact towards the end of the week, being Sunday evening now.

Edited March 24, 2019 by Soulinfected

[Simple Logic]

And she is going to see if you text her. What I read here is she showed increased interest and you didn’t step up.

Edited March 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs._December]

And she is going to see if you text her. What I read here is she showed increased interest and you didn’t step up.

Exactly. When she started showing more interest and reaching out to you on a greater level, you played it cool.

 

Yet you still tried to get her in bed on your 4th date.

 

Not for nuthin', but if someone isn't showing more interest in me when I try to bump things up a notch - but he's still looking for sex - I'm not flattered and I'm not impressed.

[FMW]

OP, you said she "takes ages" to reply. Are you texting her during work hours when maybe she is away from her phone or not able to have it in front of her all the time? Or at the gym or some other activity that keeps her away from her phone?

 

I'm not a big texter myself but I'm going to text even less if someone rarely initiates. It's kind of a catch 22, I know, but since you are clearly interested in continuing getting to know her, try initiating texts more, at least for a week or two. If you feel she still isn't showing enough interest you'll at least know you've done your part and can then move on.

 

As to her saying "not tonight", there could be any number of reasons. She seems to be interested in you. Maybe she just has a different timetable than you do for getting more intimate, maybe she had something going on that night (had something about work or family bothering her, had to get up early in the morning, it was that time of the month, etc.). I wouldn't let it discourage me unless she continues saying no.

[DaddyDom]

I don't have time for these BS games people play. I'm old school and as a man I pursue women. Now notice I said "pursue" and not "chase". Subtle difference. Pursue is being confident in going after what you want, being direct/masculine, and remaining indifferent to her text response times or acting needy. Chasing is desperate behavior.

 

Also be realistic. Women are emotional creatures and take time to open up/feel safe. So a few dates isn't much time spent with her. She isn't going to make you a priority that soon. I'd reach out to set definite dates, make plans, and then go back to your own life not sweating the small stuff. Once you start hooking up and she gets that itch, she'll be a good girl and reach out frequently.

[fred123]

I don't have time for these BS games people play. I'm old school and as a man I pursue women. Now notice I said "pursue" and not "chase". Subtle difference. Pursue is being confident in going after what you want, being direct/masculine, and remaining indifferent to her text response times or acting needy. Chasing is desperate behavior.

 

Also be realistic. Women are emotional creatures and take time to open up/feel safe. So a few dates isn't much time spent with her. She isn't going to make you a priority that soon. I'd reach out to set definite dates, make plans, and then go back to your own life not sweating the small stuff. Once you start hooking up and she gets that itch, she'll be a good girl and reach out frequently.

 

i disagree. girls who are into you are making you a priority after a few dates

[smackie9]

You playing it kool,and pushing for sex is making her see that's your only intention. Your last suggestion to go back to your place was confirmation in her eyes. She's not one of those going by the 3rd/4th date rule of getting into the sac. She's one of those wants to know her value with the guy. She wants to see the right kind of investment from him and well by your actions, she's not seeing it. She does like you, but you are looking shady as $%^&.

 

 

Tip: Follow her lead...she amps up the texting, you do the same. Follow her lead when she guides you to the bedroom. This "OK it's the end of the date, let go screw at my place." isn't going to cut it. I have seen many women post that they like heavy making out for some weeks to build up that sexual tension before sex actually happens. Me personally, don't agree with that, but that's how a lot of them like things to progress.

Edited March 24, 2019 by smackie9

[Versacehottie]

And she is going to see if you text her. What I read here is she showed increased interest and you didn’t step up.

 

Yes ^^^^ why, OP, are you waiting on doing your plan B, the passive one which will be due to the "negative" possibility of her interest being presumed low rather than seize the momentum and presume the "positive" possibility that she is into you and going with a plan A of your own not dependent on her next move?

 

You realize that your plan B sets you up for more likely event of failure right? Here's why:

*Failing to seize on momentum now

*Waiting too long whereas you now plant a seed of doubt in her mind

*And most importantly you will be doing it as a last ditch attempt of yours with the mental presumption on your end that she is no longer that interested, F*cked up mindset to go into anything with, not helpful for success.

 

You need to take the bull by the horns. I would not be into a guy who behaved this passively, neither would my girl friends. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

Agree with the others. She stepped up her interest ... and what was the response?: guy just wanted to have sex. And the date just happened to be right near his apartment.

 

So ... let's back up a step. What do you want out of this relationship? Are you just looking for sex? Do you want a long-term relationship?

 

Your behavior so far ... says you just want sex. If you want a relationship, then your game is off ... If you want a relationship, that last date was a time to chill and enjoy feeling connected to her ... be affectionate, but tell her how much you like her, how much fun you're having ...

 

Interesting, you don't say at all how much you like this woman. That's the key question ... how much do you like her? ... and what relationship do you want with her?

[preraph]

Soulinfected, what IS your goal with this woman? Are you looking for a relationship? It kind of seems like it to me. I kind of think if you were looking just for sex, you'd have moved on after the second date, but let me know.

 

Too much emphasis is placed on texting. Texting is a grind. I actually see the logic in waiting for her to text since she isn't a big texter -- and that is NOT an indication she isn't into you. It's an indication she isn't a teenager anymore and has a busy life and focuses on getting her job done. It's a good sign, not a bad one.

 

But I wouldn't make it an always rule to wait to text her, though I would keep the pace slow, but I think in case (which I doubt) she's getting some message from you just following her pace on this, once in a while, text her without her starting it. Not random mush, but more like "Have you seen the Us movie trailer? Looks scary!" So don't be predictable, in other words. Right when she thinks you're being cool, surprise her.

 

If she's making out with you, she HAS to be interested. She may just have had so many online dating experience that are about sex only that she's waiting to see if you really like her and making you get to know her first. I can understand that.

[Soulinfected]

Thanks for your response guys.

Now I do want something serious to develop or else I wouldn't be here.

The reason I let her text first is because when I text her she takes at least a day to respond, maybe two. I'm not letting her text first out of spite, I just don't want to come across as being needy.

I'm not sure what you mean by "step up". I always arrange the next date every week when she makes contact. What am I meant to do next, what is the "step up" part? Do I just continue arranging dates? What is a healthy length of time between a date and making contact? I'm not trying to play any games I'm just trying not to make mistakes to turn her off. I think I'm being irrational about the whole situation now after reading the replies here.

[Lotsgoingon]

Since then over the last week she has been texting me a lot more, I always let her text first because she takes ages to reply and that made me think she's not interested, so I decided to only text if she texts first. So the texting went on for about three days even though I had arranged the next date.

 

She became more responsible, she initiated more contact. This is what we mean by she stepped up.

 

So the problem is you're treating her like you just want sex. Once more: what do you even like about this woman? None of what you like about her comes through her ... It's like you're going on an errand designed by someone else. You're not in the picture.

 

If you want a real relationship, then that last date should have been all about connecting with her, telling her you like her ... telling her how much you enjoy being with her ... holding her hand ... all of that ... her going to your place should NOT have been the goal. The goal would have been connection.

 

But again: you sure you like this person? There's no evidence of that so far. I don't hear any of her good qualities that interest you or impress you.

 

And if you want to talk to her, pick up the phone and talk to her ... if you want to text, then text. Don't hold back on texting and THEN try to sleep with her. You can't have it both ways ... either you're playing the game for sex ... or you want to go authentic and express an interest and see what happens. Expressing a genuine interest, taking initiative on calls isn't being desperate--not at all.

Edited March 24, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Soulinfected]

I do like her a lot and she knows it. I do hold her hand when we are walking and we are always kissing etc, especially while waiting at the lights. I like how we can talk about anything and she talks the most. It's not my main goal to sleep with her it's just that I found it weird that she just wanted to go home instead of continuing the night and heating things up a bit, maybe it is still too soon.

As I said I'm always the one initiating the dates so I don't see how that's not "stepping up". I believe it's still too soon to talk about "feelings" and stuff as that could completely turn her off. Shouldn't the main goal be to meet up and date and have fun rather than putting a relationship vibe out?

[smackie9]

Stepping up with flirting and adding the romance between dates. Letting her know you are thinking of her, etc.

[Versacehottie]

I do like her a lot and she knows it. I do hold her hand when we are walking and we are always kissing etc, especially while waiting at the lights. I like how we can talk about anything and she talks the most. It's not my main goal to sleep with her it's just that I found it weird that she just wanted to go home instead of continuing the night and heating things up a bit, maybe it is still too soon.

As I said I'm always the one initiating the dates so I don't see how that's not "stepping up". I believe it's still too soon to talk about "feelings" and stuff as that could completely turn her off. Shouldn't the main goal be to meet up and date and have fun rather than putting a relationship vibe out?

 

Don't miss the opportunity to have the middle steps. While it doesn't have to be all the way to relationship discussions (that's too heavy at this stage if you ask me), why not show her that her effort influences your being more into her, and vice versa.The goal IS to meet up and have fun and when you are doing it and it's going well, you hold back less and want to do it more. In other words your default status shouldn't be: "Guarded". It is coming off guarded if you only ask her out in response to her initiating contact, like she had to remind you she exists. Idk, i also think while she may not be a good texter and you don't want to be left hanging by initiating first, isn't a part of initial dating figuring a person out while being yourself so you can see if you are good for each other? Plus maybe that's old info, as she is more into you maybe she won't leave you hanging. At some point, dating is a risk you have to be willing to take. Texting seems like an easy one to take. If she is not so responsive, you will find out sooner rather than later that you can't take the way she is with regard to texting. It's all just information gathering if you look at it like that.

 

maybe she didn't want to go home with you because she was on her period or assumes you will try for sex and she doesn't want it to go there yet. Those are two possibilities. good luck. You sound like a good guy. I would hate that you don't convey who you are because of you holding back as the main reason.

[Soulinfected]

Don't miss the opportunity to have the middle steps. While it doesn't have to be all the way to relationship discussions (that's too heavy at this stage if you ask me), why not show her that her effort influences your being more into her, and vice versa.The goal IS to meet up and have fun and when you are doing it and it's going well, you hold back less and want to do it more. In other words your default status shouldn't be: "Guarded". It is coming off guarded if you only ask her out in response to her initiating contact, like she had to remind you she exists. Idk, i also think while she may not be a good texter and you don't want to be left hanging by initiating first, isn't a part of initial dating figuring a person out while being yourself so you can see if you are good for each other? Plus maybe that's old info, as she is more into you maybe she won't leave you hanging. At some point, dating is a risk you have to be willing to take. Texting seems like an easy one to take. If she is not so responsive, you will find out sooner rather than later that you can't take the way she is with regard to texting. It's all just information gathering if you look at it like that.

 

maybe she didn't want to go home with you because she was on her period or assumes you will try for sex and she doesn't want it to go there yet. Those are two possibilities. good luck. You sound like a good guy. I would hate that you don't convey who you are because of you holding back as the main reason.

 

Thanks, yeah I think I'm just getting a lot of anxiety about this because I really like her. I took it as rejection when maybe it is nothing to do with me, who knows. I don't want to come out and ask but will talk with her and arrange another date anyway. I did not mean to come across as having sex as the main goal, it's just that I'm usually at that point by now - but then again, those encounters never did last that long.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks, yeah I think I'm just getting a lot of anxiety about this because I really like her. I took it as rejection when maybe it is nothing to do with me, who knows. I don't want to come out and ask but will talk with her and arrange another date anyway. I did not mean to come across as having sex as the main goal, it's just that I'm usually at that point by now - but then again, those encounters never did last that long.

 

I think part of your anxiety is because you are taking a proactive stance but a passive, reaction-based stance with regards to pursuing her.

 

I didn't get the you only want sex vibe from your actions like some of the others did--though now that they have said that, I can see the point. I did get the vibe from you have done so far that would convey, "not so interested". Also the masculine position is typically more of pursuing IMO. That's the dynamic girls want, I think.

 

I do think if she likes you little harm in pursuing her. It shouldn't change things. If she likes you, she'll go with it. If she doesn't know because she is dating others and doesn't want to commit to you or just in general, it will shake that answer out. Good luck

[Rocker71]

How is OP being passive? He arranges dates, initiates kissing and making out, and invites her back to his place.

Here's what I read... OP hasn't ever been to her place?

She was at his place and when things got hot-n-heavy she stops it.

 

She may be using OP for recreation, good time and have no intention to take things further.

Maybe she has a bf at home that provides materially for her but now she needs another guy to take her out on dates but not necessarily get intimate with. Lots of women do this crap all the time.

I'd have forgotten about her. Here's why...

1. Not much texting, taking awhile to text back = low interest.

2. Getting him all revved up for sex and stopping when things got heated = keeping him just interested enough to think sex might happen so he'll keep taking her out.

 

OP, are you paying for these dates? Are you taking her to dinner and paying the entire bill? Paying for the recreation too? Does she ever kick in money for the dates?

If she were interested in you you'd know it without a doubt and wouldn't need to make a thread here expressing your doubts. She would make it easy for you.

 

Here's what you do... Date other women. You're too hung up on this question mark of a woman.

Don't tell her you like her...yet. You haven't even had sex with her. Don't give her flowers or cards.

I'd back off and see if she brings up getting together. And if she does invite her to your place. If she wants to go out instead you have your answer.

But you must date other women too.

I'll bet $10 she's seeing other guys. Maybe letting them take her out and paying for meals dangling the hope of more in front of them.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Rocker71

[Soulinfected]

I paid for dinner the first time, but she insisted to pay the last time as I bought the tickets to the comedy night.

I thought maybe I was coming on too strong, too much touching and kissing etc. So I'm kind of backing off to see what happens now. I sent her a picture of my cooking on Monday as we were talking about our cooking skills on the last date. She responded within ten mins saying "Ooh very nice!" which was a fast response but not an open ended one. I'm not sure what to think at this stage but if I don't hear from her I'll know. I could be completely irrational about the whole thing, or I could be right.

Edited March 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Lotsgoingon]

Uh ... you're trying to analyze your date moves in way that isn't helpful. It's not a matter of coming on too strong or not. The point is to be connected with the person. You touch and see if they touch you back. You take a step to escalate (if you want) but you don't go further if you're not getting a good response.

 

Feeling that you came too strong simply means you didn't get a reciprocal response ... which means you escalated without feeling a genuine interest on their part. Actually you sorta want reciprocal and a slight escalation on their part. You gentle put your fingers on someone's hand and they take your hand and you take their full hand. You want a mutual cycle almost so that it's really not clear who took the initiative. But to go back one step. Ideally you even take someone's hand based on the conversational energy being electric and the person's excitement being palpable (along with your own excitement).

 

The times I'm with someone and I think, "Oh, I wonder if I should touch her now" are times when there hasn't been good chemistry between me and the other person. So I worry that all your thinking here is simple evidence that you guys did not have a spark.

 

Just my two cents.

Edited March 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Versacehottie]

I paid for dinner the first time, but she insisted to pay the last time as I bought the tickets to the comedy night.

I thought maybe I was coming on too strong, too much touching and kissing etc. So I'm kind of backing off to see what happens now. I sent her a picture of my cooking on Monday as we were talking about our cooking skills on the last date. She responded within ten mins saying "Ooh very nice!" which was a fast response but not an open ended one. I'm not sure what to think at this stage but if I don't hear from her I'll know. I could be completely irrational about the whole thing, or I could be right.

 

Well to answer Rocker, yeah this is passive ^^^ and i'm mainly talking about contact and asking for a date without waiting for her to contact you. And OP as another example, she responded quickly and because it wasn't open ended you stopped the flow of communication? Why? You had the guts to reach out and tell her about your cooking,she answers and um then you do nothing? What about keep the conversation going? Be playful, fun, ask her about her day.

 

It's like you are going about it too literal and too goal oriented. You want the answer if she is into you. You want the goals: to book the next date, get that answer and get a little somewhere physically on the date. You won't get that answer or a sign in just a few texting phrases back and forth or waiting for her to do something. Life doesn't always move in a straight line, maybe you are too logical and too much of an over thinker to get this. Here's the thing you get to the goals by putting something in, putting yourself on the line more than you have. Just enjoy the conversation and somehow it WILL lead you toward the goals and or the info that it won't work. Life is multi-dimensional so work more of the angles. And don't be so afraid. The worst you can do is get an answer that she's not interested in a quicker timeframe. If you do little to nothing or act passively, you might get that same answer in a longer time frame OR worst of all, BE the reason you get that answer. Ok Good luck

[Inspire]

Its only been a few dates. You made out and things got heavy on the second date. It is perfectly understandable that while she was ready to make out with you, she was not ready to have sex with you. The 4th date could have been anything. She may have had her monthly for all you know. Even if you have been talking to her for several weeks, there is no substituting face-face contact. Some people need more of that then others ... If you're interested in a relationship with her, then be patient and give it time.

 

Perhaps she has a reason for not jumping in the sack with you right away. Has she told you about her past relationships or shared some of her dating experiences?

[BC1980]

Here's some generic advice. As women, we are always wondering if a guy is looking for sex or a relationship. Our antennas are always up in the beginning. If a guy wants to have sex on the 4th date, that's a red flag for a lot of women. Especially since you're still at the stage of casual dating. There has been no talk of commitment (which is normal for a 4th date). To her, all of this could indicate that you are only interested in getting laid.

 

Going forward, let her take the lead with how physical you get. Continue to show interest and ask her on dates. Let your actions show that you are interested in more than just sex.

[Iris The Butterfly]

You need to take the bull by the horns. I would not be into a guy who behaved this passively, neither would my girl friends. Good luck

 

I agree 100%. I read OP's very first post in this thread and it immediately read as bland and passive behavior. It's one thing to be respectful and a gentleman, but waiting for her to text or make plans, etc. isn't going to get you the girl. I would be turned off by a guy who was passive about pursuing me. You gotta go for it 100%.

 

Waiting for sex is understandable, 4th date making out, normal in my eyes, if I'm REALLY into a guy sex happens within the first couple weeks and I've had long term relationships come of those. I don't think you should second guess your desire to have sex on the 4th date. My bf is a total gentleman but he made it very clear he wanted me that early on. I knew within two weeks of dating him it was going to happen very soon. If I'm blah about a guy and he's passive, I'm not going to be interested in having sex with him or even talking/texting much.

 

To me, it reads she's not feeling the heat. You have to turn it up yourself if you like her. Go for it!!

[Iris The Butterfly]

Uh ... you're trying to analyze your date moves in way that isn't helpful. It's not a matter of coming on too strong or not. The point is to be connected with the person. You touch and see if they touch you back. You take a step to escalate (if you want) but you don't go further if you're not getting a good response.

 

Feeling that you came too strong simply means you didn't get a reciprocal response ... which means you escalated without feeling a genuine interest on their part. Actually you sorta want reciprocal and a slight escalation on their part. You gentle put your fingers on someone's hand and they take your hand and you take their full hand. You want a mutual cycle almost so that it's really not clear who took the initiative. But to go back one step. Ideally you even take someone's hand based on the conversational energy being electric and the person's excitement being palpable (along with your own excitement).

 

The times I'm with someone and I think, "Oh, I wonder if I should touch her now" are times when there hasn't been good chemistry between me and the other person. So I worry that all your thinking here is simple evidence that you guys did not have a spark.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I think I have to agree with this. There seems to be a lack of spark. And that's ok!! When someone likes you, you really just know and wouldn't be here questioning your thinking or what she's thinking. And I'll tell you what, OP.. I'm a woman and if I like a guy, there is no way I would let a day or two go by to return his texts. I dated a guy that I had no spark with a year or so ago. He was always REALLLLLLYYYYY slow to text me back. Dated less than 2 months and never spoke again. Didn't have sex for over a month and that was because I wasn't that into him. Neither one of us were feeling it. It felt like effort to even make plans with this guy. And I have to tell you that is the one time I've had bad sex.

 

I don't think it's wrong at all to want sex on the first, second, third, fourth, tenth, one hundredth date. IMO this is not about sex or whether she thinks you want sex or a relationship, but it's about the lack of chemistry and pursuit going on. If she's a bad texter, call her. Rather than waiting on her to make plans or reach out, trust me, she will appreciate that you will take the initiative. I would say one date every week is kind of a minimal effort and interest kind of thing. I think back to every longer term relationship or real connections I've had and it's more than once a week and just about daily contact within the first several weeks.

Edited March 27, 2019 by littlebridge