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What can I do to get him to chase me?


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Old 14th March 2019, 9:15 PM   #1
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What can I do to get him to chase me?

Hi,

My ex and I were together for two years before we broke up last October. However at the start of this year we started getting along really well and we’ve both been there for each other when **** hit the fan so needless to say we are on the road to reconciliation. Back in February he got a new job and was stressed from that, trying to reconcile us, and dealt with family problems on top of that. He freaked out and said he didn’t see a future with me so we had no contact for two weeks. He then texted me and asked to talk to me and apologized for everything and said that he wants me in his life but is dealing with stress and asked that I be patient with him. I said yes and we were back to “normal”. Last week a part of me was upset over something I found out and I ended up distancing myself from him. By distancing myself I mean I was very short with the texts and showed no emotions (no emojis, no “haha”, no “lol”, etc), and I also said no when he tried to make plans with me. He started reaching out more and putting in more effort into getting us together.

Last night we went to dinner and he profusely apologized and said that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way by him. He mentioned to me that me distancing myself from him made him realize that there’s a chance that I won’t be there if he keeps up this behavior. We discussed our issues and laid everything on the table. One of his issues with me is that he wants me to challenge him which apparently is something I never did. With me distancing myself last week he was forced to put in more effort and chase, and apparently he liked that.

My question is - how can I make him chase me? I mean he’s someone I have history with so I don’t need to worry about getting him to like me. Should I keep up with the neutral texting? What else would you recommend?
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Old 14th March 2019, 10:26 PM   #2
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You are asking how to manipulate somebody. Do you realize that?
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:26 PM   #3
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OMG, that's a lot of apologizing going back and forth. All those apologies suggest you guys may WANT to be a good partnership ... but that in reality, you're simply not good complementary partners.

There seems to be a big gap between who you guys are as individuals right now ... and who the relationship needs you to be for a thriving partnership. The apologies are attempts to close that gap ... apologies don't do much. You want to get along in the first place.

I think you know that if there was an answer to how to get someone to chase you ... human beings would have figured it out by now. And if humans had figured out how to get someone to chase, then humans in relationship with these folks would have figured out how to not be tricked into chasing.

Are you sure you guys are a good fit for each other? ...

Last edited by Lotsgoingon; 14th March 2019 at 11:29 PM..
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:39 AM   #4
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Listen

Your best chance of getting this guy and any guy to respect you/continue to invest in you/value you/treat you well (I really hate the word "Chase" sounds juvenile and like game playing but I get what you mean) well there are a few things (NOT A GUARENTEE but I do think these are a woman's best chance)

1) know that you can't make a guy do anything or be anything. He has to choose to be a good partner and do right by you. This is important because a lot of girls try to twist themselves in a pretzel to be the perfect girlfriend and he still can do you wrong. Recognizing the type of man he is being is verrrrry important. So please don't do that. Instead....

2) be your best self in the relationship but know that your enough. For anybody to want to be with you make no mistake you should be a good partner that a guy wants to be with. But again don't think you can make a guy love and respect you. It's ultimately his choice and you can influence of course but at the end of the day a man is going to do what he wants to do so be a good girlfriend (whatever that means to you) and believe that the right guy would recognize that and be confident that you are enough.

3) don't be afraid to lose him. I am not saying stop caring about him or the relationship and be horrible to him or lazy lol. I am saying be a good girlfiend but if he effs up in a major way you can't be afraid of letting his butt go. And mean it! If your afraid to lose him your not going to speak up against what he does that's not okay. If he does something that's truly a deal breaker your going to stay or keep taking him back which leads to disrespect and being treated like a door mat. So you have to stop caring about losing him. Your not going to like this but three or more chances means he don't respect you and you keep taking him back doesn't help that. to stop that he don't get more chances. If he mess up again you have to leave for good. Though I think you should go ahead and let this current boy go well at the least this needs to be y'all last rodeo. And going forward it's okay to give a guy a second chance After breaking up but you don't give him three or more chances. If he effing up that much it means he don't respect you and/or y'all are incompatible. it's not about "how to get him to treat me right" instead it's "is he treating me right?" And "is he the type of man I want to stay with?". Very different questions.

4) have boundaries and standards. Know what you won't tolerate from any man and stick to them and mean it. Apply them to every guy. And this includes applying it to this guy. Again you can't do this if your on some "I don't want to lose him" or "I love him so much how can I make him love me" type sh*t.

5) this should be a mindset shift/lifestyle. Don't do this to try to make a guy do your bidding and be manipulative then go back to being weak and needy af. This should be a new way of being and doing so that you can weed out all the guys who are bad for you and let the good guy that will love respect and value you stick

Warning. Doing this you may realize this guy is not the one because he may hit a boundary/deal breaker (your post about him and y'all relationship reeks toxic). That's actually a good thing but I sense your like/love bias will make it very hard to comprehend wtf I'm talking about and may have to hit rock bottom to realize unfortunately. I do hope you realize without having to though....

Last edited by Curiousroxy86; 15th March 2019 at 3:42 AM..
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:37 AM   #5
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Why did you two initially break up?

In my experience, when you have this type of back-and-forth and strategzing and thinking up ways to get someone to pay attention to you..the relationship is already done and won't be coming back together.

When two people genuinely want to be together, it usually doesn't require this much work. You sound much more invested in reconciliation than him, girl. It's not a good sign.
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:52 AM   #6
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This isn't going to work.
He preferred it when you distanced yourself and you were cold to him... how does that work exactly long term?

It was done in October, you should have left it at that.
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:00 AM   #7
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The thing that strikes me as most odd is that you turn away from each other rather than be there for each other when things get rocky.

That’s a really bad sign.

But if you want him to chase you keep being cold towards him if that’s what turns him on.
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:05 AM   #8
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He says he wants you to challenge him. What does this look like? And why can’t he challenge himself?
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:15 AM   #9
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You are too available. It is like you don't have a life of your own & when you do it's only the negative side & then in times of trouble you turn away from each other.

You claim that you are there for each other when the s*** hit the fan but then you say when he was stressed with his new job & family problems he freaked out & walked away from you. When you were upset you distanced yourself from him. That is not being there for each other. Being there for each other & the foundation for a good relationship is when you turn toward each other in times of crisis. You two turn away. Your relationship is a source of friction not comfort.

However, part of the way you keep yourself attractive to somebody is to not be needy. You have to the be the type of person who can solve her own problems & have a life & interests independently of an SO. Then when you have somebody to lean on, that is a much appreciated luxury nit a necessity.

This idea that you have to play cat & mouse, play at being unavailable to keep him interested is not a solid foundation; it's manipulative game playing. At this point I think there may be too much water under the bridge. Both of you need wholesale revisions in how you relate to each other
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:28 AM   #10
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The more you keep accepting his apologies, the more you enable his behavior. Just my two cents but this is why you keep gong through these breakups/arguments. He knows you will cave in and come back to him every time so he never has to worry.



Anyways, as they say you desire more what you can't have. Cut him off and see what happens. Some people call it manipulation, I call it a dynamic. If it works for you two then go for it.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:47 AM   #11
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It seems he's got to treat you in a certain way in order for you to treat with him in a certain way.

Are you able to sustain this for the rest of your time together with him?
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:51 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lola1000 View Post
It appears he must treat you with a specific goal in mind with the end goal for you to treat with him with a particular goal in mind.
Yeah, that's what I said...
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Old 15th March 2019, 4:14 PM   #13
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OP, looking back at your posting history about your ex and your relationship - I have to say that I think you are going to get discarded once he meets a woman he is crazy about.

My strong suspicion is that you are now simply a place-holder to keep him company until he is ready to date someone else. I don't think he has a serious intention of reconciling with you.
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