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Girlfriends aggression, excessive phone use, best friend...

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Old 13th March 2019, 5:46 PM   #16
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Dude bail on this wreck before you end up locked in a second abusive marriage! J.H.C.
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Old 14th March 2019, 12:11 PM   #17
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Question is, why are you tolerating her aggression? Get out of this abusive situation.
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Old 14th March 2019, 1:36 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by hypeamg View Post
Any thoughts on the above would be much appreciated.


And don't look back.
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Old 15th March 2019, 5:28 AM   #19
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Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply and give advice, I really appreciate it. I also think you are absolutely right, having had an abusive family I had to go not contact with 1.5 years ago and an abusive ex-wife I guess on a subconscious level until I work on myself fully I relate to this treatment as normal when it is clearly not.

I feel as though this woman wears a lot of different makes and both my gut and intuition know deep down that this is not good for me. The compassionate part of me feels bad because I know this is more than likely her upbringing and programming because her mother is very abusive, but regardless I can’t change or fix that.

Last time we split it was quite damaging, she came over to the house uninvited and refused to leave. She was incredibly angry even though she gaslights me and tells me it’s not anger it’s her being upset. I noticed last night she took none of my feelings into account when I said to her I was unable to get close again because of how she reacted before a couple of days after I had done something really thoughtful for her. She’s sketchy with her phone without a doubt and I’m beginning to wonder if she does it on purpose to try and grind me down and make me insecure.

However that being said, I’ve decided to work on myself and slowly bring myself out of the relationship without the immediate cut off which was pretty hard to deal with last time, I think if I gradually pull away and then end things (as I don’t want to hurt her regardless of her issues) then this may be a good way for me to exit without damage and be in a place where I am strong enough to do it. Ultimately I know I have to start putting boundaries in place, detach from this emotionally, and just respond and not react when she becomes argumentative or aggressive.

I know this seems like the wrong way to do things but ultimately it’s what I did with my own family and it made the entire situation a lot calmer to deal with as my abusive family were giving me huge anxiety at the time so had I of not backed off carefully without them knowing it probably would of been really damaging for me, but I’m in a place with them where I am no contact and all that anxiety has gone even if my father does keep hoovering and trying to control me. I haven’t spoken to them for over a year and that worked so I’m hoping this is something I can adopt for this situation I am currently in.

She isn’t that way 100% of the time and she has done some amazing things for me (can be very fun, sweet and caring) regardless of the way she behaves which she has adopted from childhood. So for me I think rather than brutally cutting it off immediately (and this isn’t an excuse I’m aware of all of this stuff) with who I am as a person having a lot of compassion, I can begin pulling back, working on myself and then leaving. Hopefully this may be the best thing I can do for both myself and her. The last thing I want to do is leave her in bits but at the same time, and that’s not me saying I am staying at all because I’m not, just taking a calm rational and self protective way out of this situation with enough self strength to finally leave without a ton of damage.

Last edited by Moderator; 15th March 2019 at 7:36 PM.. Reason: paragraphs
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:57 AM   #20
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Of course she isnt that way 100% of the time, these people never are. If they were, it would be far easier to dump them.

Just make sure your not tolerating her bad behaviour, because your addicted to her good behaviour. That would be the behaviour of a drug addict, we've all been there.

Are you really breaking it off gently to not hurt her feelings? Or because you want to feel her good side again? People tolerate abuse to get to a persons good side, and that is not self love.

Many of us have had abuse in our backgrounds. Until we're on the way to self heal, we tend to attract the same type of dysfunctional person in our lives again and again, until we recognise that and say no.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:23 AM   #21
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"Gradually pulling away" is less likely to work, it gives her time to yank you back with drama. And it will likely give her the false impression things will work out.

Strongly recommend a firm ending of this.

No matter what you do, I strongly recommend you get a VAR and start carrying it on you in case this escalates into false assault accusations or the like.

Sounds extreme? Wake up, stories where that is an element commonly have these rage episodes as an element.
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:03 AM   #22
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Yeah , pretty well agree with most l think she has something , BP or mild bpd or something and the every 5 or 6wks thing is a need.
The friend , who gives a fk if she doesn't add you not like your even close anyway.
But yeah , l don't think you can fix her or even if you find ways to get improvements l think she'll just pay you back double next time , like l say it seems to be a need , to pop , part of their illness.And they can get very creative too and just ware you down.
l think you've gotta insist with your self after everything else you've been through , that it just isn't necessary. lt's not your curse , you can change it all by telling yourself that no , it doesn't have to be like this in your life.
You can choose , you have the choice, to insist on a happy balanced person , or put up with this.

Last edited by chillii; 16th March 2019 at 1:06 AM..
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Old 16th March 2019, 2:17 AM   #23
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There isn't going to a painless way out of this relationship. Even if you are able to slowly detach (doubtful) your gf will notice and then she will really step up the drama and you will just sink deeper into this mess. I know you aren't going to leave her right now because the relationship hasn't become painful enough yet. However the day will come when the pain of staying will outweigh the pain of leaving. When that day comes you will realize that you just have to end it on the spot and walk away. It won't be amicable, it won't be nice. It will be ugly and painful and full of drama but by that time the relationship will have you in so much misery you won't care, you will just want to escape at all costs. Right now you are just delaying the inevitable
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Old 18th March 2019, 12:53 AM   #24
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I basically once did the gradual thing with an ex of mine and it worked. Sometimes it’s the best way because you recognize that it’s an unhealthy relationship that won’t last but there’s a part of you that’s addicted. Eventually, things will reach a point where you can’t tolerate them any longer and it ends.

OP, you need to do things in your own way, in your own time but don’t make the mistake of feeling sorry for her or making excuses for her behavior. She feeds on anger and control and she does it because she enjoys it. You can call it upbringing, genetics, or whatever. It’s what she does because she made that choice.
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