Dilemma

[h647]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 1 year now and on the whole things have been great. We have had one argument and one disagreement during that time and nothing else.

However, over the last week or so we have had a couple of disagreements which have ended badly with one or both of us being upset.

Her mum had a fall and has been in hospital the last week and she had a friend’s funeral so has been stressed. I have helped and supported her as much as I can during this time. We don’t live together so after spending 4 straight days together I said I need to pop home on Sunday to sort some bits, this caused an issue which I didn’t understand.

The next day I had agreed to pick her up from the wake which ended up being very late. I dropped her friend off and we went back to hers. We disagreed over taking a wrong turn and then she flipped on me and no matter what I said or did was wrong. This was the last thing we needed as she was stressed and I had big work meetings early the next day.

The problem is she is stubborn and won’t admit any fault. I am disappointed with how she acted and feel I have supported her but can’t accept how she spoke to me or made me feel. Not sure what to do now really.

[d0nnivain]

Between her mom & this other person's death she is on uncertain ground. She's sacred of her own mortality & every little thing sets her off. If you can let her outbursts & unreasonableness roll over you like water off a duck's back. Kind of ignore what she is saying & don't fight with her. Give this about a week then start enforcing politeness & civility again. If she can't maintain that she may be too broken to be around. Sorry but death changes people & not always for the better.

[Kelliousme]

Has she always been this way?

 

It's nice of you to be supportive and that's how a good boyfriend should be, however, you must draw a line somewhere. Just because she's stressed, sad, unhappy, frustrated about what has happened does not justify her actions towards you. Once or twice, it's okay. But if it continues, then it's unfair to you.

 

Also not a good thing that she's stubborn and won't admit she's wrong. That's even worse. Clearly she doesn't appreciate your support, anything trivial will tick her off and she explodes, AND she feels she has the right to do so because of her "circumstances". BUT regardless of what she's going through right now, taking it out on others is NOT right. If she fails to see this any time soon, you should consider breaking up with her. :/

 

The post above me is right as well, sometimes the death of someone closely related will change a person drastically. So be prepared.

[Wallysbears]

If this is unusual behavior, it may just be the result of all the things that she has going on right now.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ideally, you'd want to date someone who can be in grief and can be frightened and stretched ... and still not lash out at you.

 

Only you can judge whether she has earned credit enough to get past this.

 

She's apparently not her best self right now ... so it might make sense for you to take the first step ... When you next see her, give her a really good hug ... hold her hand ... tell her how you feel about her (the good) ... And say it's been hard to be in conflict with her during this time.

 

She'll hopefully get the message that you are acknowledging the conflict between you two ... and you want things to be better ... If she's really cool, she'll acknowledge she lashed out at you.

 

Sometimes the person in your position has to take the initiative, even though you're the one feeling attacked and rejected right now. Let's say you take this kind of initiative (no blaming her) ... and she still doesn't let up ... still lashes out, let her go.

 

We're mortals. We all are going to go through grief, illness of parents, deaths of friends and job stress at the same time! All of us. So you don't want to treat her grief as some special thing that deserves a pass.

 

Good luck. I think your feelings are legit. But now is not the time for a direct confrontation. She can't handle that. Do the hug and hand holding and reassure her ... she if she softens. If she doesn't, start packing your bags.

[elaine567]

I guess lack of sleep, stress, grief and facing her own and her mother's mortality.

Losing a friend can be very hard.

We can get used to and expect the deaths of older people, but when the death is of someone of our own age or in our own social group it can hit home in a big way.

[lurker74]

Give her a pass. She was stressed. And at some point, you have to learn the lesson that most men in long term relationships learn: sometimes you apologize even though you did nothing wrong.

[Gaeta]

You're getting to know who she is and how she handles stress in her life. None of these events should turn her against you. We all go through stress and sometimes act a bit snippy with our love ones but the ability to recognize our wrong doing and apologizing for it is what solidifies a relationship. Not wanting to recognize ever her wrong doing will sour your relationship and keep it from making it long term.

[smackie9]

IMO you should tell her that you both just need some time apart to focus on your own stuff for a few days.

[Curiousroxy86]

Not admitting wrong and being confrontational are definitely red flags but right now she is dealing with grief so if I were you I would just evaluate.

 

I would not ignore the two things. I would see if this is a pattern or a one off. One off I can let it go. A consistent pattern I would let her go

 

I think I would give her a timeline to grieve where I forgive negative moods.. Like for me I think I would give a boyfriend a month and would be there but give space all at the same time meaning if he needed me I'm there but I'm not pushing for close contact. After a month if he is still pissy I would probably say "babe I love you and I understand you had to deal with death in the family but snapping at me is not okay". If he doesn't respond favorably or continues to do it then I would break up.