Concerned about her behaviours...

[Positivemindset]

Hi there

 

Hope I can get a bit of help on this one. I have some ideas of how best to proceed with it all but guess I am looking for some reaffirmation here too.

 

So I exited a long term 5 year relationship that ended quite abrupty owing to several unchecked issues with my ex. I fell into a new relationship pretty quickly after and was torn with my feelings between my ex and this new woman.

 

The new woman was amazing in so many ways. Very different to my ex. Far more outgoing, adventurous, amorous and so on, but for some reason I could not get my ex out of my mind. I think this plagued the early stages of the relationship, but I kept my feelings in check and could feel my new girlfriend falling very quickly in love with me. Much more than I was at the the time.

 

Sometimes she was a bit clingy or needy at times. I could feel this because I have been on the opposite side of the fence in my previous relationship. Craving attention, but not getting it. Wanting so desperately to please my partner but feeling like I had to walk on eggshells to be accepted. I guess this is how my girlfriend felt early on too.

 

My ex was great in so many ways. But her treatment of me last year was too much to bear and I needed to pull away and figure things out.

 

This past December, as time passed, my feelings grew substantially for the new woman in my life. I was thinking less and less about my ex and focusing my attention on her (I should have started that way, I know...).

 

Enter January and I decided that this new woman in my life deserved more respect and attention from me. I realised I placed too much emphasis on my workload and not enough on us. Not showing her enough appreciation for all the good things she was trying to do for me and appeared to always seek my approval about several things that she should not have to.

 

This was brought to a head recently even more so because of another guy who entered the picture...

 

I work at a major company as a manager and she works indirectly for me. The guy in question works as a Security Guard.

 

Last week I was informed by some close colleagues that she was in the staff canteen having lunch with the guy. I kind of brushed it off and did not think much of it.

 

However, the next day one of my close friends spoke to the guy (just in passing and didn't go seeking him out) and joked around with him that he was seen there with my girlfriend and my friend ridiculously said to the guy "how is your girlfriend?". Low and behold, the guy went straight to my girlfriend with the comments and this hurt her. She took major offence to one of my best friends saying something to him and said my friend should not be meddling in things he does not know.

 

I kind of agreed with this, as it was not his place to mention anything to the guy and could have spoken to her.

 

Because of my friends intervention (however innocent), my girlfriend decided to go off site for lunch with the guy the following day, where people would be less likely to comment. Major red flag for me and one I still can't shake from my head.

 

Another colleague of mine informed me that she had gone off site and we decided to go nearby to the entrance area of the place we presumed she would return.

 

I guess I was curious as to who she had gone off site with more than anything else and what time she would return.

 

Then it happened...

 

I don't think she is aware I saw them walk back in together and then him put her arm around her. More of a arm round you to say 'you'll be alright', but an arm around her shoulder nonetheless.

 

Still, when I saw that, I lost the plot and a substantial amount of trust in her. I avoided going to a meeting in order see her on the recent developments those couple of days. I didn't go into great detail about her going to lunch with the guy (kept him out of the picture), but did say I was a bit hurt by the fact she didn't even ask me. Trying to make her aware of trust issues potentially harming our relationship and the need for us both to more open with our feelings. Making her aware of the pain I went through in my last relationship and even herself going through similar experiences as well with her ex.

 

Fast forward slightly and these past few days I have had the most intimate moments with my girlfriend since we have been dating. The sex has been amazing and we have put so much into connecting physically and emotionally.

 

I am in love with her so much...

 

The problem....

 

I can't get this guy out of my mind. My girlfriend is still meeting and chatting to him and I am worried to speak up about him and his possible intentions to her after her issues with my friend.

 

She sees this guy as just a 'friend' and is generally doing it quite openly with nothing to hide. I have absolutely no problems with her having whatever friends she pleases but my intuition is telling me everything is wrong with this guy and he is waiting for the moment to make a move at her most weakest.

 

Perhaps has her number to arrange meetings on site when schedules suit and so on. Who knows.

 

I am concerned these behaviours can only spell trouble in the long run and colleagues/friends with experience in this arena are making me feel like our relationship is doomed if this continues and I don't speak up about it.

 

Has anyone has a similar experience?

 

Do I confront her with how I feel? I am not sure she will understand where I am coming from but I can feel my heart breaking that I may lose her so soon after now falling in love. Even though on the exterior I pretend I am okay with it all, I am hurting inside.

 

I am damned if I do talk to her about it and damned if I don't.

 

I am planning to meet her later with both of us having a day off. Try to enjoy the day of course, but I do want to get this uncertainty out of my head, too, and the reassurance that she is everything I think and that she says she is.

 

If she values the relationship more than the guy, she would make he excuses to meet and chat to him less one would assume?

 

Thanks

[d0nnivain]

You are playing with fire here. Based on your status as a manager & their status as indirect subordinates, you can't say anything. Anything you say or do will be perceived by HR as violating various company sexual harassment policies. My advice would be to break up. If you don't want to break up, you best get another job.

 

Your GF is also very inconsiderate in that she seems to be rubbing your face in this other guy. Even if it is only innocent, it looks bad, especially at work.

[ShadeOfGreen]

This whole thing is unfortunate for a number of reasons.

 

As the previous poster mentioned, it is best to consider any action by you as a manager carries the possibility of being interpreted negatively towards subordinates. Please consider that.

 

You are already taking steps that are hurting your professional life. Missing meetings to catch a partner coming into the building with someone else isn't positive. It maybe noticed by others, because it sounds like the office is already talking about you, her, and her friendship with the security guard. Gossip can be very toxic.

 

It's hard to tell where this thing with the guard is going. He could be an orbiter waiting for opportunity with your partner. He could just be a friend with no ill will towards you or the relationship. I understand your apprehension about seeing his arm around her, but many people do this without flirtatious intent. I'm taking your words to mean you haven't mentioned to her what you saw between them. Is that true? If you mentioned and she keeps doing it regardless of what you say, then there's a mismatch between you on something that can just build resentment. Maybe a discussion about relationship boundaries is needed here. Keep in mind she may not agree with you on what you want.

 

Your friend shouldn't have mentioned to her about their lunches like some kid teasing someone in a high school cafeteria. What is concerning is that she knows there is office gossip about them now, and she maybe taking steps to hide their interaction. This friendship with him is at least important enough for that, so you could be right there's something there. Still hard to tell.

 

This is why I chose long ago never to get involved with anyone I work with. Stuff like this can happen, and look unprofessional. Also, if it doesn't work out, then I generally don't want to be around them. When you work with them, you have to be around them all the time. It really sucks.

[spiderowl]

I think you have to be careful as you are a manager, but if she is your girlfriend, then you should be able to ask her what her relationship is with him. If her answers do not reassure you, then you have to consider whether to stay with her or not.

 

Do not listen to your colleagues. This is between you and her. There is no point stalking her to see what is going on - that means you don't trust her. If you don't trust her, then break up. If you do not have a history of trust issues, then something has triggered this anxiety.

 

Of course, if you and she do have an amazing sexual connection, then it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that every guy out there would want that too. Maybe you need to work out exactly what your anxieties are - whether you really think she is overly involved with another guy or that you are picking up that he is attracted to her. He may well be, but that doesn't mean she is attracted to him as anybody but a friend.

 

I have male friends. It doesn't mean I'd date them or choose them over a boyfriend (if I had one!). It is hard to trust I know, especially if you have a girlfriend who is likeable, attractive and popular.

[Lotsgoingon]

Is your gf reassuring you in a way that is convincing?

 

I'm betting the real issue is that you're worried that your lack of full interest in this woman until recently ... has you worried that you've neglected her and that she has REASON to go off with another guy.

 

Most likely you are terrified that you're going to "pay" for having those lingering feelings with your previous gf. You're thinking, OMG, what if she's getting full interest from this guy when I was standoffish? I think that's a primitive male response ... but not a sign that she's doing anything wrong.

[SevenCity]

Is your gf reassuring you in a way that is convincing?

 

I'm betting the real issue is that you're worried that your lack of full interest in this woman until recently ... has you worried that you've neglected her and that she has REASON to go off with another guy.

 

Most likely you are terrified that you're going to "pay" for having those lingering feelings with your previous gf. You're thinking, OMG, what if she's getting full interest from this guy when I was standoffish? I think that's a primitive male response ... but not a sign that she's doing anything wrong.

 

To add to this, don’t fall into the trap of “I gotta do something!” This would be a great way to push her into the arms of the other guy.

 

Instead, observe her behavior. Don’t look for what she does, look at what she does differently.

 

I would not be happy about my gf going out with another guy from work. But, you can’t frame this in insecurities as it will turn her right off. Instead, come from a place of confidence. She is having sex with YOU. Let other guys try because they can and they will. What will stop her is her interest in YOU. Not any rules you throw on the relationship.

 

My advice would be to ignore the whole thing, but keep your eyes open. If at any point she crosses a line end it right there. Let her bring up this guy, see if she does and what she says.

 

We men go all gaga when we catch the feels for a chick. This behavior can manifest as jealousy and insecurity which are huge turn offs to a woman.

 

The point is, if she’s gonna cheat, she is gonna cheat. And there is zero you can do to prevent it.