Piercing fetish as a dating pitfall - How should I deal with it?

[surreal_ist]

Hey guys,

 

Long story short: I'm a guy in my mid-thirties, and during my whole life I've been (not exclusively, but mainly) sexually attracted to girls with visible facial piercings (other than earrings).

I've always been struggling with this "preference" which, I think, has always interfered with my dating life in one way or another. I would even say it may be considered a way of "self-sabotaging".

 

 

I've found several threads covering either piercings/tattoos (in terms of attractiveness) or other fetish-related problems, but I think none of them addresses the specific issues I'm dealing with ... So I thought it may be a good idea to open a new thread. I would really, really appreciate any advice or perspective regarding this situation which has been bothering me for years.

(Also, sorry for my English: It's not my native tongue.)

 

When I dated women without any piercings (or tatts) in the past, I had the experience several times that I could not get aroused enough in order to sustain an erection for a sufficient period of time, even though I really liked these girls and found them physically attractive in more general terms. Of course, I felt embarrassed, but also sad and ashamed for potentially making the girl feel less attractive and hurting her.

 

 

On the other hand, apart from the sexual attraction (and sometimes emotional connection as well) there happened to be little constant chemistry with the (few) pierced girls in my age range I dated. This might in part be due to the fact that I'm more the kind of "nerdy" guy, tending toward the more introvert pole of the spectrum (even though I wouldn't consider myself "socially awkward" or extremely shy anymore). Anyway, while I go out at times and feel comfortable dancing and meeting new people, most of the time I prefer engaging in deep discussions with close friends (over going to festivals and concerts etc, for example).

 

 

I have been in only two real LTRs before (each lasting several years), and in both cases my girlfriends had no piercings when we met, but decided to get their septum (and tongue) pierced several months into the relationship (which, of course, I didn't asked for directly). One of them had tattoos already (which I didn't know when I fell in love with her) and had even toyed with the idea of getting pierced before. However, I always tried to downplay this issue and to avoid putting any pressure on my partners - but I think it's fair to say that I may have been deluding myself in a way and that it was always some sort of burden for the relationship.

 

 

I don't wear piercings myself, because I never liked them on guys and never felt comfortable with the idea. I don't have tattoos, either, even though I sometimes like the idea of getting some. Also, I have never actively joined any subculture in which body jewellery or an "alternative style" (generally speaking) is common.

 

For me, this is a huge dilemma, because I feel like standing in my own way and being superficial and unjustly picky toward others at the same time. On the other hand, I don't want (nor consider it healthy or morally acceptable) to expect anyone to change herself just for the sake of entering a relationship with me. I also don't want to convey the feeling of being desired just because of such a superficial feature to anyone, but to love a woman for who she is as a person.

However, I've lost any hope to be somehow "cured" from this paraphilia (or to work a way around it), and I also fear being rejected because of my lack of "sexual competence" in case I continue dating women without any body jewellery.

 

 

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your patience!

 

Any help or opinion is greatly appreciated!

Edited January 28, 2019 by surreal_ist

[surreal_ist]

No one any idea and/or opinion about how to cope with this situation?

 

Or do you think this thread is not appropriate here and should be moved to another forum ("In search of ...", for example)?

 

 

Thanks!

[edgygirl]

I think it's perfectly normal to have this kind of fetish. There are many people out there who are attracted to alternative lifestyles. You should join a kinky website, tons of people with tattoos, piercings etc.

 

There are a few sites out there, I am not sure if I can post a link here but I'm sure you can find them on google.

[surreal_ist]

Thank you very much for your reply, Edgygirl!

 

 

I think part of the reason why I have been reluctant to join online communities or use dating apps to this end is because that would mean yielding to the fetish completely and possibly becoming even more addicted to it.

 

 

 

Apart from the more general concerns raised above (related to not wanting to view a potential partner in this kind of objectifying way), I still might also have an underlying issue of lack of self-acceptance and feelings of inadequacy concerning this sexual obsession.

[FMW]

Personally I don't see it as that unusual or something that you should be concerned about - it's just a preference you have. We all have them.

 

It comes down to something we all have to deal with - finding people we can really connect with and be attracted to takes some time. Your preference simply gives you a smaller pool to choose from, making it a little harder to find "the one".

[edgygirl]

Well if you join these sites you will probably find out about other things that are interesting to you and that you didn’t even know about.

 

They are not necessarily for finding dates (you can but they’re usually not dating sites). It’s just like loveshack - you can discuss common interests like fetishes with other people and it will make you feel less of a “weirdo” I like one called fetlife, look it up.

[preraph]

Well, I'm glad you realize this fetish isn't to your benefit. I mean, a woman with major facial piercings is going to be very limited in employment. Also, are you attracted to 50-year-old women with facial piercings? It looks much worse with age.

 

I think you know this is self-defeating and you should go to a psychologist for it, no meds or anything, just therapy, and find out where all this started and how to stop it. And meanwhile, you need to STOP watching porn that involves this because that may be more the problem, the porn watching, than the actual lack of piercings. Because porn makes some people get stuck in a rut where they can only get off on a couple of limited scenarious which then do not happen in real life like that because porn isn't real sex.

[edgygirl]

preraph I usually agree with you but will disagree in this one - fetishes are not “traceable”. Psychologists don’t know where fetishes come from.

 

It’s like telling someone not to be gay. Like telling them - find out why you’re gay, and “cure” it. Please inform yourself about it.

 

Also - fetishes are not a disease. They’re FINE if they’re not hurting anyone unwillingly.

[surreal_ist]

Well, I'm glad you realize this fetish isn't to your benefit. I mean, a woman with major facial piercings is going to be very limited in employment. Also, are you attracted to 50-year-old women with facial piercings? It looks much worse with age.

 

I think you know this is self-defeating and you should go to a psychologist for it, no meds or anything, just therapy, and find out where all this started and how to stop it. And meanwhile, you need to STOP watching porn that involves this because that may be more the problem, the porn watching, than the actual lack of piercings. Because porn makes some people get stuck in a rut where they can only get off on a couple of limited scenarious which then do not happen in real life like that because porn isn't real sex.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your opinion! I really appreciate this!

 

 

I also agree with you that there are probably few occupations/professional settings in which you can pull that off (especially when being in a position of responsibility) without being a bit frowned upon. Exceptions may be some creative fields as well as certain social jobs.

If one should submit to or rather actively counter such kind of discrimination is another matter of debate.

(Moreover, I should also mention that I live in Europe where employers' standards in most countries seem to shift into a somewhat more liberal direction as far as expectations of conformity in terms of outward appearance are concerned, perhaps even more so than in the United States).

 

 

I should also add 1. that I actually watch porn very rarely (rather most often get "inspired" by much less intense materials like pictures).

2. I consulted a psychiatrist (with expertise in sexual medicine) several years ago who told me that there is little that I could expect from treatment in this regard and that I should rather try to "integrate" this fetish somehow. Another clinical psychologist I asked for help expressed a similar opinion, even though he termed the fetish a kind of "addiction" which tends to get worse if one completely yields to it. (He didn't explain this more specifically, but this statement caused a lot of unease in me by hindsight.)

Edited January 29, 2019 by surreal_ist

[surreal_ist]

Well if you join these sites you will probably find out about other things that are interesting to you and that you didn’t even know about.

 

They are not necessarily for finding dates (you can but they’re usually not dating sites). It’s just like loveshack - you can discuss common interests like fetishes with other people and it will make you feel less of a “weirdo” I like one called fetlife, look it up.

 

 

Thanks for pointing to this site! I found it (via google) just after I read your previous post!

However, I'm still not absolutely sure whether (or to what extent) I would feel comfortable sharing this extremely personal stuff openly within this community

[edgygirl]

You shared it here, it’s the same there. It’s anonymous ?

 

The only difference is you’ll probably get many more people who “get it” over there and perhaps you can process your feelings better.

 

I’m at peace with my own fetishes, I like what I like, I don’t see any problem with that. Does it make the pool of people I really like a little smaller? Yes, but that’s fine. We all have our preferences ? Good luck!