Met a girl travelling

[LeojDon]

So i'll this brief and to the point:

I met an Italian girl while travelling Thailand. We're both 22. I met her for one day before I was due to leave for Indonesia, and we connected incredibly and talked on the beach until the earlier hours. We kept in contact (with no expectation) until I decided to go back to Thailand 2 weeks later and see what could be.

 

There were plenty of ups and downs, she was a volunteer at a hostel and there other guys involved, however I persisted steadily and we both really developed feelings for each other when we went travelling together for 3 weeks after her voluntary work was done. It was super intense, we stayed in the same spot for the whole duration and just loved each others company more than the setting itself which is when I knew. We didn't want to force/rush anything, and agreed to wait until we get home and see how we feel.

 

We're both now home and we both miss each other like crazy which I didn't expect. We face call etc and she's going to Uni to do her masters in either my city in England, or in Ireland or in Holland, so all very easy to get to.

 

Now we bring in exclusivity. I told her I don't feel this imaginary leash is needed if we both know how we feel and trust each other 100% and I really don't look at any other women or feel like I'd even want to entertain one romantically, but if she feels/needs this exclusitivty agreement then i'm happy to. She says she needs to know if its exclusive or not as she's been cheated on in the past during a long distance relationship and it needs to be stated because she can have feelings for someone and still feel like she could hook up with someone else. She says she can like me but go out & if someone takes a liking to her who she enjoys she could maybe hook up - she feels it marks a difference knowing if she's exclusive or not.

 

I question ignoring you’re actual feelings but placing more priority and placing the exclusivity status on a higher pedestal. Am I right in my thinking?

Edited May 18, 2019 by LeojDon

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Infatuation feels great, but that doesn't last. TBH if I were you, I would be thinking about how realistic you are being. Long distance is difficult, even w/in the same country, much less in different ones. I don't want to be negative, but from experience a close distance is so much better. This especially true if you barely know each other. I'd keep my options open for both of you because who knows how you will feel when the distance really sinks in.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not sure making this exclusive is a great idea.

 

She is still very young and in that phase in her life where she's exploring and having fun. You two don't live in the same country and don't know each other all that well. There isn't much basis for a relationship, from my point of view.

 

Having an established relationship and then going long-distance is one thing. Starting long-distance is another. I realize you like each other but how viable a prospect is this, really?

[basil67]

I don't think I understand the problem. The way I read it, you don't need to have an exclusive discussion but will if it's important to her. And having the exclusivity discussion is important to her. Is this correct? If so, why not just make the agreement?

[d0nnivain]

No you are not right. An LDR requires a few things to be successful. Two of the most important are trust & communication. A third is a plan to end the distance. You have none of these things. She was previously cheated on in an LDR & has told you that she needs the words. You consider exclusivity to be an artificial "leash". You say you aren't looking at other girls but you want to option to hook up if the mood strikes you. I get it. She's in Italy & you are not, with no immediate plans to be in her presence & you may have an itch you want scratched. Still she wants no part of that.

 

 

So I'd stop trying to make an LDR work. Leave her as the beautiful vacation fling you had & move forward in your life with a more realistic dating plan that does not include trying to make it work with somebody half way around the world.

[Caauug]

 

Now we bring in exclusivity. I told her I don't feel this imaginary leash is needed if we both know how we feel and trust each other 100% and I really don't look at any other women or feel like I'd even want to entertain one romantically, but if she feels/needs this exclusitivty agreement then i'm happy to. She says she needs to know if its exclusive or not as she's been cheated on in the past during a long distance relationship and it needs to be stated because she can have feelings for someone and still feel like she could hook up with someone else. She says she can like me but go out & if someone takes a liking to her who she enjoys she could maybe hook up - she feels it marks a difference knowing if she's exclusive or not.

 

I question ignoring you’re actual feelings but placing more priority and placing the exclusivity status on a higher pedestal. Am I right in my thinking?

 

 

She wants / needs it!!! You have no problem with it.....

 

 

So why question it? Get use it, it is the way people are. If you love someone and they ask for something you are willing to give do not question the reasons.

[Foxhall]

Id try to make this work,

 

 

I know your both only 22 and it seems there will be plenty of options ahead, and there may be, but the connection you describe there may not that easily be replicated either.

 

 

the person you meet when your younger can be the right long term option too, things are carefree and you do not have the baggage that can come with relationships at a later stage

 

 

lol I know you want the bit of sex on the side also and that's your decision,

 

 

I think your priority should be making a go of it with this girl though, you would be foolish to let her slip away,

 

 

If I was your age again, Id have no problem going exclusive with her.

 

maybe encouraging her to your own city too is the best play although that will curtail you in other ways!

Do you want her in your own city or do you prefer the idea of hopping on a quick flight every few weeks??

[LeojDon]

So long story short - we met in Thailand (both 23 y/o) I was backpacking and she worked in a hostel so we knew each other for a month. She's from Italy i'm from England. We got really close and travelled together for 3 weeks. Stayed in contact after returning home and then met in Italy for a week, then Germany and then recently Croatia. They were all magical, after 5 months we've both fallen for each other deeply and are officially together. Now she's moving to my city for 6-12 months as part of her University course.

 

The issue: recently she told me that at the beginning (when I was chasing her) she felt I was really turned on and found her exotic and sexy. She said due to just how I was around her, my eye contact etc. Now she says she feels I find her body "familiar" and that she's felt more adored (sexually wise) by previous guys which kinda hurt me, as I'm really affectionate around her and feel as though I make her feel special. I don't feel like I behave differently to her, only difference being at the start we were in a group scenario then after it was just us two each time. She says it's not a big issue but I can see it becoming one down the line when she feels she needs this. I noticed in our last meet up she was a little less flirty but the chemistry and connection was intense and incredible.

 

 

She then proceeded to say that sometimes she feels I take her for granted and now that I've 'got her' I've relaxed. I feel i'm the exact same to when we first met but she blames it on culture difference? it just hurt me as I'm literally obsessed with her, always notice what she wears, her hair, dresses everything. I just feel like I can't do the right thing and that she may seek it elsewhere from someone else further down the line. It seems these issues always arise through just texting, but then when we meet in person the issues are non-existent and we connect unbelievably.

 

How do I address it?

Edited September 1, 2019 by LeojDon

[Rayce]

She isn't even there and is already complaining? Are you really sure you want her to move in?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think first address your own insecurities. I'm about to meet a guy long distance for the first time after communicating off and on for just over 1.5 years. These situations can really mess with your head and bring all your fears to the forefront of your mind.

 

Next, seek to understand exactly what she's concerned about. When she says her body is too familiar to you, ask her what she thinks you have done or not done to make her feel this way...etc wth each issue. I've complained to my guy for ignoring texts, etc. I feel like there are several things he could improve on, but they don't override how I feel about him overall or what I hope will become of our relationship. That leads to my next point...

 

Don't throw away the relationship over this. You clearly value it as you've said or you wouldn't be posting here. Anybody can give up and walk away. People complain in their relationships all the time, new and old. Most of the time it just boils down to communication issues.

 

I think you should ask her probing questions. Tell her how some of her comments made you feel. Then work together to resolve these as a team. You can do it. Don't let your fears get the best of you, and remember that she has fears too. The more each of you invests emotionally, the more these fears will come up for each of you. For example, her mentioning other guys might have been her awkward attempt to motivate you to give her more attention. Teach her to be more direct with what she's concerned about. You guys can grow as individuals and together by practicing constructive communication.

 

My guy sucks at it, but I'm hoping for a breakthrough with him when we meet in a few days. Don't give up unless you guys lose the love (or dynamic becomes abusive).

Edited September 1, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel

[d0nnivain]

She sounds a bit attention seeking. She wants to be worshiped & has an immature notion of love / relationships based on some fictional ideal of romance that it's all about hearts, flowers & fireworks all the time.

 

If you insist on trying to make this work, step up your romance efforts: write her a poem (on paper not text); send her an actual card or letter professing your love & desire for her; plan a candle light dinner next time you see her; in short sweep her off her feet. This is a woman who wants her guy to put in all that effort. If you don't bring your A game every day & kiss her feet she will whine.

 

Best wishes. You are going to burn out from exhaustion with this one. She likes the whirlwind of falling in love but wants nothing to do with the doldrums of being in love.

[LeojDon]

She sounds a bit attention seeking. She wants to be worshiped & has an immature notion of love / relationships based on some fictional ideal of romance that it's all about hearts, flowers & fireworks all the time.

 

If you insist on trying to make this work, step up your romance efforts: write her a poem (on paper not text); send her an actual card or letter professing your love & desire for her; plan a candle light dinner next time you see her; in short sweep her off her feet. This is a woman who wants her guy to put in all that effort. If you don't bring your A game every day & kiss her feet she will whine.

 

Best wishes. You are going to burn out from exhaustion with this one. She likes the whirlwind of falling in love but wants nothing to do with the doldrums of being in love.

She was talking purely the sexual side as in being infatuated and turned on by her & her body which is crazy to me as we always profess how amazing our sexual chemistry is. In Thailand is arranged a candle lit dinner on the beach, send flowers to her home in italy, send beautiful messages, can’t keep my eyes off her when we’re together. What more can I do? I feel like I’ll never be enough in that specific department

[d0nnivain]

Then you have your answer. You are not compatible. She has unrealistic expectations which nobody can meet

 

When you 1st asked about this girl in May we all told you not to date her exclusively. You didn't listen & forged ahead. Now here you are wondering why it's not working. Hmmmmm. Go figure.

Edited September 1, 2019 by d0nnivain

[elaine567]

I know it is a generalisation, but the Italians can be pretty intense, the English less so.

You think the connection you have with her is amazing, I guess she is not so enthusiastic, you are projecting how you feel onto her.

[schlumpy]

it just hurt me as I'm literally obsessed with her, always notice what she wears, her hair, dresses everything.

 

That is why you are going to crash and burn and burn badly.

 

She loves being in love. The one being taken for granted is you. You are more like her thrall then a boyfriend. If you don't back off and make her appreciate you then expect a fist full of misery to hit you.

 

It's going to be a long recovery.

 

NEVER love something or someone so much that you can't walk away.

[smackie9]

Hey if you want to give it a try go for it, and work through it as things come up. LDR or not, there are never any guarantees and there are always risks. It is what it is.

[mortensorchid]

I have been in 2 LDRs in my adult life, the first I did the wrong way and the second I did the right way.Things to consider for an LDR are as follows:

 

If you are not seeing each other at least once a month you will do a lot of fantasizing (you think this person is perfect, where they live is perfect,etc.). Then when you are together you will be in this huge rush to jump into the sack - which ends up feeding the fantasy even further ultimately. Eventually you are going to have to make some decisions - as in one has to move to be with the other,living in the same city in order to have a relationship without the geography. And when you do, things can and will change.

 

In your case, consider that you are both 22. You are still in the age of self discovery, finding out who you are, etc. You are both probably more concerned with partying and staying out until the wee hours and going into work hungover the next day. You think you are an adult but your mentality is still very much that of a teenager.

[LeojDon]

Id try to make this work,

 

 

I know your both only 22 and it seems there will be plenty of options ahead, and there may be, but the connection you describe there may not that easily be replicated either.

 

 

the person you meet when your younger can be the right long term option too, things are carefree and you do not have the baggage that can come with relationships at a later stage

 

 

lol I know you want the bit of sex on the side also and that's your decision,

 

 

I think your priority should be making a go of it with this girl though, you would be foolish to let her slip away,

 

 

If I was your age again, Id have no problem going exclusive with her.

 

maybe encouraging her to your own city too is the best play although that will curtail you in other ways!

Do you want her in your own city or do you prefer the idea of hopping on a quick flight every few weeks??

 

Only just read this so my apologies! just to let you know, we are officially together and am deeply in love. We meet in multiple countries over Europe this summer and now she'll be in my city for university for between 6-12 months and then who knows, we're both open to moving anywhere.

 

I totally agree that I don't want to let it slip, the connection we have and feeling is something i've never felt before. Excited for the future with her

[justwhoiam]

Now we bring in exclusivity. I told her I don't feel this imaginary leash is needed

This is a cultural matter. I'm Italian, and I don't understand it. It's like two people who go live together but they don't marry, because they don't need a piece of paper. Hmm... what does that piece of paper mean? There, you have your answer. I feel with an Italian, you need to be very clear about your intentions. This is what it is.

She practically let you know: if you are being casual, I'm being casual; and don't expect much from me. Why? Because with non commitment, there's some resentment (even unconsciously). Not to generalize too much but for an Italian it's like: you like me, you go out of your way to show me. If you want something more light and casual... then be prepared to be met with some indifference.

 

I question ignoring your actual feelings but placing more priority and placing the exclusivity status on a higher pedestal. Am I right in my thinking?

Yes. Get used to it. Principles can come first for an Italian.

 

So long story short - we met in Thailand (both 23 y/o)

Funny. You both had your birthdays in the past 3 months?

 

recently she told me that at the beginning (when I was chasing her) she felt I was really turned on and found her exotic and sexy. She said due to just how I was around her, my eye contact etc. Now she says she feels I find her body "familiar" and that she's felt more adored (sexually wise) by previous guys

Now this means: you're not loving me the right way.

 

I'm really affectionate

I don't think she was referring to that, and I guess you know it. Affectionate is one thing, passionate is another. It looks like she was talking about the way you are with her in person, not while away. My guess is she likes to feel you want her, which can be expressed as she mentioned through eye contact, or other body language...

 

 

She then proceeded to say that sometimes she feels I take her for granted and now that I've 'got her' I've relaxed.

Most men do that... maybe not this early on in a relationship. As you didn't exactly understand how you've started resting on your laurels, ask her to give you examples of things that made her draw that conclusion. You then be ready to give a list of things you did to show you were not resting on your laurels. Do this while you're spending time with each other in person. She might either say it was just some impression she had, or that it was some silly thing she said not to be given too much importance, or she might end up explaining to you what things are like from her perspective. Just keep the discussion very relaxed and playful.

 

I feel i'm the exact same to when we first met but she blames it on culture difference?

That's very possible.

 

Is she from the north, centre or from the south of Italy? Where is her family? She'll probably need to spend Christmas time with her family. Make sure you talk about her family. That might be very different than what you're used to in England.

[Maggiemay1]

I feel like I’ll never be enough in that specific department

 

And you are correct in thinking that.

It was a holiday romance only , based on free spirits .

 

Back to reality now! She is a lovely memory. Leave it at that.

[fromheart]

I've traveled for many years, met many women.

 

Regardless of the distance, you just asked to be exclusive, she said no. She's just a FWB at this point, her behavior and intent doesn't qualify as anything more.

 

If you really want to be exclusive, tell her to reach out to you if she feels the same way and go complete NC. But why swim upriver when you can have it far easier with someone else?

 

I'd recommend dating other women and just keep the Italian one in your address book. She might be in town and you can hook up for fun, great.

 

Traveling relationships usually go to dust I'm afraid, she was already hooking up with other guys, while you were getting on a plane to go and see her. That's not a great sign. Let women come to you, don't chase them down. Don't be so quick to make an emotional investment.

[LeojDon]

This is a cultural matter. I'm Italian, and I don't understand it. It's like two people who go live together but they don't marry, because they don't need a piece of paper. Hmm... what does that piece of paper mean?

 

Thanks for your replies. Yes she's from Rome. We're both very family orientated, it's one of the many reasons why we like each other so culturally wise it's not a huge difference. It's just things like when she said the eye contact is different etc but now she's in my city and I kinda forgot about this point she made. I may bring it up now while we're here in person just to understand if she still feels the same way or not, and why.

Edited September 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator