Anxiety Disorder fiancee

[tchest77]

This is a long one, not sure if I'm being fair or if she is for real.

BACKGROUND:

I am a 41yr old male w/ my 40yr old fiancee in a 3yr relationship, engaged approx 2yrs ago, and live together. I don't accept her negative reactions, I am nice to her, she does have an anxiety disorder, and these cause fights. Over time, she has dramatically improved a lot, she does therapy and we talk, but fights occur maybe once every couple of weeks now. I've posted before, very helpful, and now got to the underlying issue but need advice.

THE UNDERLYING PROBLEM:

She is scared to disappoint people, she becomes passive and submissive to avoid not being liked. Therefore, she doesn't voice her opinion often or when she does she sounds timid, or sometimes comes off as rude. She says it's not that she is standing up for her self, but rather, she is so scared in these moments, with all people, that she is scared that they aren't going to like her or think shes a bad person, so she reacts back negatively out of this fear. On a side note, she is always asking me in a timid way, if it's ok for her to go do something, always apologizing for things that really aren't big deals; as if hoping to avoid me being upset with her in any way. This has been identified as being caused from her strict upbringing, always having to please her parents and be perfect.

3 BASIC EXAMPLES (out of 100's) OF THESE SITUATIONS:

1. At night, she got mad that her employee wasn't showing up to work the next day, so she stormed off into the bedroom to go to sleep. I told her that this shouldn't get under her skin so easily, and she argued why I was wrong. In the end she said she argued w me cause she thought that I thought she was a bad person.

2. I brought to her attention that I think she's scared when I ask her to do something, like not leaving the fridge open for 5 minutes, and she will argues back. She said she argues back because she thinks I don't like her.

3. I noticed a liquid spill on the couch and said what is that. She had a mean tone back because I made her feel bad and she didn't feel like she was a good person.

NOW WHAT?:

I want to work with her and be here for her, but I can't understand her rationale for her disrespect/tone sometimes, and know there may be no rationale due to her anxiety disorder. She says she acts this way out of fear of not being liked, I can put my self in that place but it doesn't entirely make sense; I know I don't have an anxiety disorder, so not sure if I'm being fair. I can't grasp this though, if she wants to be liked then why respond in a way that people will not like? Is she confused or making this up, or using this as a scapegoat? I just have a hard time seeing that if you want to be liked, then why argue and fight most of the time, instead of trying to work it out? Has anyone experienced similar situations? She says shes just scared and wishes she wasn't like that, cries, and thinks she is weird. I do want this to work as I do love her; there has been tremendous growth but I honestly don't know if I can live like this and am trying to figure it out. Any thoughts, comments, advice would be most appreciated. Thanks again!

[d0nnivain]

With her permission ask to talk to her therapist about what you can do to help her & to help you deal with her issues.

[olivetree]

It is positive that she is seeking help and that she shows her vulnerability to you (admitting her dear of not being liked) - at least after her initial reaction.

 

Not sure how they are approaching things in therapy, but it would help if she tries to slow down and express the vulnerability instead of the hostile reaction to you.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn’t live like this...

 

Let’s just say, I’m not so sure that the things you describe are caused by “anxiety.” I’m not saying she doesn’t have anxiety, I’m just wondering if there is more going on here... Perhaps, anxiety is the root of her problems, but she has some very challenging adaptive behaviours that she is using as coping skills.

 

I’m not interested in being in a relationship with another person when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, for fear of upsetting them and then having that person turn around and accuse me of things that I have not said/do not feel. That is not a fun or happy life... I’m sorry.