What did I do wrong?

[DK092]

Hey guys,

 

so for the last 5 weeks i dated this woman (28) a little older than me (26).

 

We met on a onlinedating platform and it started off great. We had long and deep conversations from the start and overall she is a great woman with a few quirks (I'm not perfect either).

 

I will keep this as short as I can but first some info about one of her red flags. One of her red flags was that she was talking about her ex quiet a lot (more on this later). She told me she has attachment issues and that she is friends with her ex. At one point she told me that he and her had a fight and called herself an idiot for staying in contact with him. So i told her she should let go of people who are not good for her and she agreed to that but said its too hard for her now but also told me that she does not want him back. So i trusted her and believed that.

 

Anyway, first date was good with a lot of talking on her part and I could tell with 100% certainty she was into me. We ended the date with a hug and it went really well overall.

 

When i asked her out again she became kind of cold and distant (i waited 3 days before asking her out again). She even gave me subtle signs that she doesnt feel much for me yet by bringing up that she misses her male "friend" and is really disappointed he couldnt make it to their meet up. This made me get some distance from her.

 

The next days and weeks we texted a lot. She apologized often for not texting me for a few days and gave me a lot of compliments. We were able to talk about pretty much anything.

Anyway, after a while things started to get cold. We had an argument over text which was about her dating other guys and me preferring to date only one woman at once. She told me she is okay if i meet other women but doesnt want to force me so i went on and told her i will do that just so that things are equal (I didn't actually meet other women because i prefer dating one at a time).

 

From then on I became less nice, less available and more serious because i kept in mind that she is probably still attached to her ex and emotionally unavailable. As the days went by we just stopped having open and long, deep conversations. Then after it got better i asked her out again with a set time and place and she agreed.

 

We met last saturday and she was there on time.

We were in a bar, had long conversations with deep eye contact and a few drinks. We laughed a lot and at one point she told me she likes to observe couples but I didnt proceeded with that talk. Now comes the worst part of all. When we were drunk she started talking about her ex again and even called him her boyfriend a few times. I acted as if i just didnt hear that and became distant because of it for the rest of the evening. As we paid and left the bar i asked if she wants to come over to my place but because i told her i am renovating that place atm and its a mess she didnt want to until its all done. Before we said goodbye i kissed her. I enjoyed it but it was a bit too short (around 3 seconds) and she reciprocated the kiss.

 

The next day i texted her how she is doing and after a while i bought up the kiss because from the way she texted i could tell she wanted to talk about it. I told her that i enjoyed it. She responded with saying that she expected me to bring that kiss up sooner in our conversation and that she doesnt know what to think of that kiss yet. I then told her that i show my feelings through my actions and she apologized with saying that she unfortunately doesnt know what she is feeling yet. Because i knew this meant i needed to give her distance and she likely isnt into me at all i didnt text her for three days.

 

After those three days i initiated contact and asked her out again. This time however she said "we'll see.". I responded with saying that i wont put up with this and want a clear yes or no. I will quote her response to that "then it is a no for now because i dont know". Then i told her that it's over for me and wished her good luck followed with her apologizing again and saying it was fun with me.

 

It has been 6 days since and im wondering where I did a mistake.

[GTR King]

She is not over her EX boyfriend yet. So You need to move on from her.....

 

Don’t think you did anything wrong

[olivetree]

She isn't over her ex, so no point going down that road.

So in that sense there wasn't likely anything you could have done.

 

However, this should have been over a long time ago, so in that way your actions could have been better.

They were very unclear and contradictory at times.

 

For instance, you kept getting turned off, pulling away, then circling back and asking her out again.

This sends the message to her that nothing is wrong with her behaviour and you will continue to pursue her.

 

If a woman ever says "we'll see" to seeing you again, rather than saying you "won't put up with that" (which usually translates to the opposite - you will put up with a lot) and demand an answer, just gracefully take it as a no and move on.

[Rocker71]

First it seems like her ex isn't her ex. They're still together and she might be shopping around for another guy while not broke up yet with him. You said she did not refer to him as her ex when drunk.

 

Also, by the wayyou described your time together, it seemed like you are acting as her therapist rather than her date. Maybe she sees you as someone to unload on instead of a guys who wants to date her.

 

Anyway, she sounds like a huge red flag. I wouldn't go out with her again. You're already starting out on a negative tone.

Find a girl without this baggage and act like you want to date her instead of talk about all kinds of things.

[Kelliousme]

You seriously think you did something wrong? This woman doesn't sound interested in you. If she still talks about her ex, she's not over him. She may say she doesn't want to be with him ever again but that doesn't translate to she's over him. There's a reason why she's always talking about him and mentions him at least once in every date. She probably still misses him and can't really focus on any other men, which includes you. I don't think you should be putting in so much effort for a woman who hasn't gotten over her ex yet.

[spiderowl]

You didn't make a mistake; she's just still stuck on her ex. She's not emotionally available. Unfortunately, people can still be charming, fun and appealing but emotionally attached to someone else. I know you like her but it would be best for you to move on. This woman will just give you a whole lot of pain.

[lurker74]

The only thing you did wrong was waiting that long to kick her out of your life.