Ended it with a guy who I dated for 2 months. words of encouragement?

October 20, 2018

I told him that we should just be friends. He said is that what you want ? I told him I know what i want and at this point i should be sensing more of an effort..

he said it sounds like you think im not interested.

i'm just moving at a slower pace.

i told him its moving at a pace that isn't really going anywhere.

he said he likes hanging out with me, thinks we click well, and that he enjoys my company but if thats how you feel that is how you feel.

i told him if he doesnt want to put more effort into it, then best of luck.

he told me he wants to get to know me more, and see me, but he doesn't want want me to be upset with him.

i told him i'd like to spend more time together, and if that can't change then we should just be friends.

waiting on his answer.. but i'm annoyed he didnt try harder to change my mind, which proved my feelings..

i hope i made the right decision and didnt make myself look crazy for telling him how i feel, especially since its so early on.

i guess i'm looking for support and words of encouragement here.

October 20, 2018

Him not trying to change your mind shows that he respects your ability to make decisions for yourself. It also shows he has enough dignity to not persuade you to stay after you've decided to end it.

If you really wanted to fix things, you would have talked about your concerns and tried to find a solution. You would have talked about him wanting to take it slow and teased out what it really means to you. You would have been proactive about talking on the phone when it became obvious that his texting style wasn't satisfactory. You would have talked about seeing each other more often before you got to breaking point. But instead of discussing the issues, you chose to tell him you want to break up. Your choices speak volumes to him.

Does he know that you're waiting on an answer? The whole thing sounded like it ended pretty cut and dry to me. Oh, and don't expect him to be a friend. Exes mostly don't do friendship.

All that said, it absolutely your prerogative to end the relationship if you think he's not looking for the same thing as you. You're now free to find someone who better meets your needs.

Edited October 20, 2018 by basil67

October 20, 2018

Him not trying to change your mind shows that he respects your ability to make decisions for yourself. It also shows he has enough dignity to not persuade you to stay after you've decided to end it.

If you really wanted to fix things, you would have talked about your concerns and tried to find a solution. You would have talked about him wanting to take it slow and teased out what it really means to you. You would have been proactive about talking on the phone when it became obvious that his texting style wasn't satisfactory. You would have talked about seeing each other more often before you got to breaking point. But instead of discussing the issues, you chose to tell him you want to break up. Your choices speak volumes to him.

Does he know that you're waiting on an answer? The whole thing sounded like it ended pretty cut and dry to me. Oh, and don't expect him to be a friend. Exes mostly don't do friendship.

All that said, it absolutely your prerogative to end the relationship if you think he's not looking for the same thing as you. You're now free to find someone who better meets your needs.

I did speak to him about this last week. And I didnt see much of an effort or change on his part. I posted about it on this thread and got countless "hes just not into you" replies and I was feeling pretty down about how he feels about me, judging based off what other people said. I told him I wanted to talk last week, he was on vacation and it took him 3 days to get back to me, when he told me he'd call me in an hour (which he didn't) He didn't even send me a message that it would take him that long to get back to me, and when he came back to apologize we talked it out in person. Maybe I jumped the gun too soon, but he messages me and didn't try to arrange plans this weekend. I put the ball in his court and told him I really wanted to go to this halloween festivity, and he didn't even give that idea the time of day. I think that was my final straw, because he's back at his family home 5 minutes away from where I live and he didnt try to make plans with me this weekend. He lives mostly at another place an hour away and I drive to see him (to nyc). So I felt like he only sees me when its convenient. I guess this was immature on my part, and I need to develop better communication skills. I'm not playing victum, but a lot of this is built up. I want to be able to build a connection with this guy because I like him a lot, but I'm not used to dating a guy who is so "slow" paced.

To me slow paced = not that into me.

October 20, 2018

Him not trying to change your mind shows that he respects your ability to make decisions for yourself. It also shows he has enough dignity to not persuade you to stay after you've decided to end it.

If you really wanted to fix things, you would have talked about your concerns and tried to find a solution. You would have talked about him wanting to take it slow and teased out what it really means to you. You would have been proactive about talking on the phone when it became obvious that his texting style wasn't satisfactory. You would have talked about seeing each other more often before you got to breaking point. But instead of discussing the issues, you chose to tell him you want to break up. Your choices speak volumes to him.

Does he know that you're waiting on an answer? The whole thing sounded like it ended pretty cut and dry to me. Oh, and don't expect him to be a friend. Exes mostly don't do friendship.

All that said, it absolutely your prerogative to end the relationship if you think he's not looking for the same thing as you. You're now free to find someone who better meets your needs.

I wrote back to him quote on quote "I'm not upset with you but I just don’t want to be lead on and would like to spend more time together

If that can’t change we should just be friends" So I am giving him a chance to be like "That can change..etc etc"

I feel like I always see in articles for a women to set her standard on what she will and will not accept . I don't want to be one of those girls who's a push over. I'm also pretty young so I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate better. I can be pretty irrational sometimes and jump the gun, which is a flaw of mine.

October 20, 2018

Reading your previous posts, you definitely did the right thing! This man was very meh about you and his reaction to you ending it just proves it.

Next time, cut these guys off sooner if they are not behaving up to your standards. I saved a lot of time by doing this when I was dating. Men know pretty quickly if your the one, their unlikely to change their behaviour regardless of how much time you give them.

I was dating for three years before I met my boyfriend, there were many meh men. In the end I became good at cutting these guys loose and the ones who just wanted sex.

When you meet the guy who is into you, you will know. There be no game playing, he be in contact with you everyday and won't leave you hanging, you be arranging dates and there be talk of being exclusive, taking down dating profile etc.

I knew my boyfriend was the one when I had my batty moment with him, he did not run away but listened to my concerns and acted on it. Men before would have ran.

Keep at it, and some advice always trust your gut feeling!! I have found it is rarely wrong.

October 20, 2018

I think you did the right thing, OP.

Based on your other thread, his interest level did not match yours. I don't think there's anything for him to answer anymore.

October 20, 2018

Guys I'm honestly so confused.. I dont know if I did the right thing or not. Mixed feelings in my threads by every one and I just don't know.

One person says his responses to you prove to you that he didn't really care.

The other says he was just respecting your feelings.

I dont freaking know

October 20, 2018

With my ex, who is also a great friend of mine to this day.. he texted me every day, he made plans with me 3-5 times a week, and he would call.

It's been since Feburary that I started to go back into the dating scene, and I haven't been in it since i was 19. So I'm clueless. Although I do read a lot of articles, watch lots of youtube videos (matthew hussey, etc)

But then I see other people who say even if they really like a girl, they would still keep communication to a minimum and meet once a week.

Once a week isn't enough for me to build a connection

October 20, 2018

With my ex, who is also a great friend of mine to this day.. he texted me every day, he made plans with me 3-5 times a week, and he would call.

It's been since Feburary that I started to go back into the dating scene, and I haven't been in it since i was 19. So I'm clueless. Although I do read a lot of articles, watch lots of youtube videos (matthew hussey, etc)

But then I see other people who say even if they really like a girl, they would still keep communication to a minimum and meet once a week.

Once a week isn't enough for me to build a connection

You've got a few threads here could you please link to the thread about guy you're talking about?

I would steer clear of YouTube and dating "experts". They're money making BS. The best you can do is know who you are and what you want and expect from a relationship and know your strengths and areas you want to improve about yourself and who you are as a partner. The best way we learn this stuff is through real life experiences. Which can be very painful sometimes. But it's all part of life and happens to most.

Your confusion is clear by your initial post which is very confusing and all over the place. You either fix things or break it off. You seem veey conflicted and attempting to threaten to leave when it's not what you want. You're hoping to scare him into contacting you more often.

October 20, 2018

<snip>

i told him i'd like to spend more time together, and if that can't change then we should just be friends.

waiting on his answer.. but i'm annoyed he didnt try harder to change my mind, which proved my feelings..

i hope i made the right decision and didnt make myself look crazy for telling him how i feel, especially since its so early on.

i guess i'm looking for support and words of encouragement here.

Did you two ever have a quality conversation about what each of your dating goals were? It seems to me like he just wanted a casual dating scenario with you and you were looking to be dated more seriously. He wasn't dating you that way and short of a conversation, you're senses were likely correct.

You can't manipulate a man into giving you more than he wants to give.

Two months isn't really that much time invested but in this case it was enough time to evaluate whether it was going to be viable/quality. Let it go. There's nothing wrong with you or him. You two just didn't seem to be on the same page. He didn't do anything wrong really, it just wasn't right for you.

Edited October 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

October 20, 2018

@dancingintherain12: It's BOTH - he is respecting your feelings AND he's just not that into you. This is similar to what happened with my ex "boyfriend". During our break up phone call, i begged him to tell me how he really felt about me. After some begging, he finally admitted he didn't like me that much. I had known it for a while but couldn't admit it to myself.

During our last phone call, he still said he didn't mind if we continued dating. After the call, i texted him saying i wanted to break up but would only continue dating if he stepped up and put in more effort. No reply, lol. It hurt pretty bad and i cried for days but to be honest, I've felt worse.

My advice, please move on quickly and cry your tears if you have any. The quicker you move on from this, the closer you'll be to finding a truly great guy that really likes you. PS. there are lots of guys out there who will be lukewarm about you. Learn your lessons from this one and apply to the next/rest.

October 20, 2018

Also, I agree with Smiley1. I wouldn't rely on these "experts" to be honest. Matthew Hussey is good looking but i don't trust him, lol. He is just running a business. Don't really trust people who ask you to pay for advice.

October 20, 2018

I told him that we should just be friends. He said is that what you want ? I told him I know what i want and at this point i should be sensing more of an effort..
he said it sounds like you think im not interested.
i'm just moving at a slower pace.

<snip>

Dating, love, and sex is about how the order person makes you feel. If the guy was not making you feel like you were worth it, that a valid reason to check out.

Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

October 20, 2018

First impressions count! At this early stage of the game, you shouldn't be "addressing issues". If there's issues, then it's not right. You weren't being treated the way you wanted to be treated.....That means you two are not on the same page with your expectations, which is incompatibility/ or simple not that into you or this. You did the right thing by kicking him to the curb. As for offering the friends card...not worth your time. Your ex is a different story, you had a relationship that developed into something special....this guy here is someone you dated for a couple of months...just cut the cord and move on.

October 20, 2018

This is annoying to read.

You are looking at the whole thing completely wrong. Deciding to date someone shouldn’t be based on how you think they feel about you but how you feel about them.

You are probably right though, he is not crazy about you, he sounds like a fairly solid guy with boundaries. From his perspective; you stired up some drama (?), told him some confusing stuffs and tried to provoke some kind of reaction. Had he “complied” he would have lost some of his dignity and respect with it. Sounds like he handled it fairly well to be honest.

October 20, 2018

You've known each other/been together for 8 weeks. I think you rushed things, given that you barely know each other. You wanted to quickly speed things along. Kudos to him for expressing wanting to actually get to know you, and wanting to spend time together. Spending time (TIME...months and beyond) getting to know each other is what allows a two people to build something. I don't see his actions and words as being that of someone who is disinterested. He was willing to date you and wanted to spend time together. He probably didn't want you to make things complicated especially so early on in knowing each other. It's supposed to be fun, meeting someone new, spending time together, dating, enjoying getting to know each other. It isn't fun when so soon into things, demands are suddenly being asserted. It's fine if he wasn't meeting your needs to back out, but this didn't sound like that kind of scenario.

If you enjoyed his company also, then I don't understand why you rushed ahead of where you were, two people who have just met. Also, stop looking outside of yourself for the answers and asking random strangers on the internet for advice and don't break up with your boyfriend because other people think you should. You potentially ruined a good thing that way. Try to arrive at the decision on your own in the future, slow your expectations, and understand that you may be making assumptions about someone that are incorrect and than reacting (or overreacting, given that nothing bad happened in dating him, and it sounds like you like him) to your own thoughts. There is nothing wrong with wanting more and being excited about someone, but why should someone commit to more time with you quickly instead of taking the time to really get to know you?

The only person who knows if he was interested, or disinterested, is him - we don't. You may very well be misinterpreting things but if you allow yourself to get to know someone over time, you'll have the answers you are looking for.

October 20, 2018

I'm sorry if I didn't offer outright support and encouragement but I do intend to be helpful, because I do understand you wanted more. I am trying to be supportive in you getting what you want in a relationship by encouraging you to slow down, allow things to progress and understand that it takes two people with different needs to find a compromise and balance each other's needs between them. In the context of that, love and passion can blossom.

October 20, 2018

I told him that we should just be friends.

Wrong.

i told him its moving at a pace that isn't really going anywhere.

Why do you feel that it wasn't going anywhere? Was this weekly communication? How often did you spend time together? Did you feel that you were getting closer during these 2 months, or further apart?

i told him if he doesnt want to put more effort into it, then best of luck.

he told me he wants to get to know me more, and see me, but he doesn't want want me to be upset with him.

i told him i'd like to spend more time together, and if that can't change then we should just be friends.

Again, why with the friendship? You have slept together, you're into him and you're hurt that it isn't progressing. So why would you settle for friendship?

i hope i made the right decision and didnt make myself look crazy for telling him how i feel, especially since its so early on.

God no. It's not crazy at all to express how you feel after dating for 2 months. I think the only thing you could have done better was to be more clear and decisive about what you wanted and how you felt. Was this a breakup? Or a threat 'we will just be friends unless you step it up ASAP' or 'we will break up if you don't do x, y, z' that is never a good way to go about it.

If you're going to end it with someone, figure it out and be certain that it is what you want. And then break it off, clean and simple. Don't bother trying to resolve the issues if you are walking out the door anyway. That is why he is shrugging and saying 'I like you, but if that's how you feel, that's how you feel'. Because in his mind, you're gone already.

If you legit want to stick around and improve things, then express what you want in clear terms. Be patient and let things grow naturally. If he doesn't deliver, and it's not making you happy, then break up.

You were dating several guys and claimed that you did not want a relationship yet because you needed to sort things out in your life, that you were not yet ready for a relationship.

Another thing, maybe you should give the guy a fake name, or just stick to having 1 thread about the exact same subject rather than expecting everyone to go digging for the context.

October 20, 2018

@greymatter - did you read her other threads? I'm not sure that you fully understand this situation.

Op, go ahead and date him. Take that time and truly experience dating a lukewarm man. I think maybe if you take our advice and break up with him now, you'll always wonder whether you made the right decision or not.

Go ahead and date him. Make your own choices and own those choices. Whether things end up well or not, take this as an experience and make sure to learn from it, whatever the outcome.

October 20, 2018

@Smiley1 - The Op has already spoken to him about her concerns. According to her, nothing changed.

She wants to see him more than once a week and she wants him to stop ignoring her and leaving her hanging when they text. There might be more issues but these are the ones i am aware of.

I believe these are signs of low interest. You can't talk someone into liking you more. But if she wants to keep discussing things and hoping for a change then she should go ahead. Maybe he'll start to put in more effort one day, who knows. Who the heck knows with men. Op, feel free to stick around and find out what happens. This is YOUR choice to make.

October 20, 2018

Thank you guys. I kinda feel stupid for jumping the gun so early and sort of giving him an ultimatum. I hope he doesnt think im crazy for expressing how I feel, yet again, because we're not exclusive and I dont have a right to demand things.

He wrote back "I understand/ So you're saying the decision on if we move forward and me just going like hard on this needs to happen now?"

I asked him what he means by "going hard on this"

I'm not asking for a relationship right now. I just want to genuinely spend more time with him. Like I said earlier, it is not increasing pace and it is not decreasing either. It is just going the same steady rate the past 8 weeks. I feel like it should increase a little more, I should be getting asked more to make plans with him, but those are only my expectations.

I didn't want to walk out the door, I shouldnt have pulled the friends card or said any of that. I should have just expressed my concerns. Because he told me in the past that his exes gave him an ultimatum and he didn't like it.

I genuinley like him and want to fix things, but I'm scared I ruined my chances. I haven't heard from him since he said that.

Would I look crazy if I apologize and said I didnt mean to jump the gun and I was just a little frustrated and I should have expressed my concerns better before saying all this?

I know the only person who knows if he is interested, is him.

I can't blame him for wanting to take things slow, but why would a man want to take things slow with a girl he likes?

I'm waiting on his answer.

And im sorry if I am all over the place and my threads are all over the place.

Thank you guys, by the way.

October 20, 2018

I’ll give him a fake name. John. Lol

October 20, 2018

@greymatter - did you read her other threads? I'm not sure that you fully understand this situation.

Op, go ahead and date him. Take that time and truly experience dating a lukewarm man. I think maybe if you take our advice and break up with him now, you'll always wonder whether you made the right decision or not.

Go ahead and date him. Make your own choices and own those choices. Whether things end up well or not, take this as an experience and make sure to learn from it, whatever the outcome.

I guess I'm not piling on her sufficiently like so many are, eh? I don't think it will help her to do that.

October 20, 2018

I think that you should be discussing this sort of thing with him in person, if anything.

October 21, 2018

I think that you should be discussing this sort of thing with him in person, if anything.

I dont know how he would want to meet me in person after all I just said I don't even know how to go about that, without looking desperate.

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Ended it with a guy who I dated for 2 months. words of encouragement?

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