My LTR boyfriend is away for a study abroad semester and I’m having some doubts.

[Sunbathe]

We've been together for nearly 2 years now. I am 25,and BF IS 21. In September he left for a study abroad semester so we're temporarily long distance until December. Honestly before he even left it was a rough summer with him. He hasn't had a job in a little over a year, and has been really struggling financially and he didn't even know if he was going to be able to get a loan to fund his semester until the day before he left. He was stressed and depressed all summer long, and would frequently flake on plans we had made. I sacrificed a lot of my needs and happiness to help him and comfort him. And now he's away for his semester, not communicating very well with me, and I'm feeling super resentful that again my needs are on the back burner.

 

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I think something inside just snapped tonight. He went away this past weekend on a field trip of sorts, and was not really in contact with me much. We usually text goodnight every night, but he didn't let me know when he got in and was going to sleep. Didn't ask me anything about what I've been up to. Didn't even text to let me know what he was doing or that he'd be a little out of touch for the next few days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting him to be in constant contact. I understand he was busy on his trip, but he wasn't too busy to be active on instagram scrolling through memes often (i can see when he is active online). You guys can tell me if i'm off here but I feel like I'm not asking for much for him to text what he's up to or to let me know he's going to be really busy doing this or that and won't be able to talk much.

 

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Today he arrived home from his trip, and I asked him to videochat. While chatting I brought up my concerns from the weekend, not in an accusatory or angry way, and he was totally dismissive of my feelings. When I was explaining to him why I felt upset, he told me I sound so robotic. Then made a comment about he hates how labels exist and that they create expectations that shouldn't be there. Now, I took this to mean that he was talking about boyfriend/girlfriend labels, but according to him he meant it in that labels create expectations of "he's supposed to do this because he's my boyfriend" or "shes my girlfriend so she should do this". I honestly felt really unsettled by him saying these things so I pressed him to talk about it further and he said it’s complicated and he has to look into it more. He said he is learning about different cultures and how their approaches are more go with the flow. When asked he reassured me he still is content with the boyfriend and girlfriend title in our relationship but honestly his tone and everything about it did not reassure me at all. I was obviously upset and started crying and he made me feel so small, instead of comforting he was commenting on how cute I am and how beautiful I am when I cry.

 

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After all of this he then made a comment about how women need to be emotionally stressed out at least once a week to keep things fresh… they need a little “drama”. This is a disgusting thing to say and honestly has really put me off. We've had our fair share of issues/situations in the past and honestly several potential red flags that I have ignored until now, but this particular comment really drove home to me just how immature he is. I love the guy with all my heart, but I feel like this relationship is becoming unhealthy for me to stay in. There's lots of qualities that I really love about him, and he can be very sweet to me often. But I don't know if it's enough anymore. I keep hoping for changes in his weak areas, and he does give me glimmers of hope, but maybe it's just not enough.

 

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I already have a flight booked to go visit him next month that I cannot cancel without losing a ton of money. Should I wait to address these major concerns with him in person? What can I say to lay it all out on the table and hopefully get through to him? Will he ever grow up?

[d0nnivain]

I'd monitor the whole situation until you go visit next month. You be as normal as possible but see how often he initiates & what you talk about. In a new situation it stands to reason that his level of communication will decrease while he explores the new area. See how things play out when you are together. Maybe this has run it's course. You will know better when you see him in his new locale.

[2much4]

Is he staying at a holiday type place?

 

If so you can still have fun without him.

You should dump him. If he cries, tell him its cute to see a boy cry.

 

You can dump him on skype.

[smackie9]

Ya a glimmer of hope if he is in control of what is said, talked about and do. This is not how a healthy happy relationship is. He's being apprehensive, and you are being paranoid about his feelings for you. He's not going to budge, you are not happy with his attitude. Back off and see where this goes, then make your decision....make it a wise one.

[ThorntonMelon]

I already have a flight booked to go visit him next month that I cannot cancel without losing a ton of money. Should I wait to address these major concerns with him in person?

 

You go on the trip to have a good time. Long distance is pretty dysfunctional and you can't resolve real issues while you're living apart in a real way. You go to enjoy it and see from there.

 

What can I say to lay it all out on the table and hopefully get through to him?

 

Nothing. You told him you weren't happy. He dismissed your feelings. It's not a negotiation. Your choices are to stay in it or remove yourself from it. You have laid it out. There's no speech.

 

Will he ever grow up?

 

Sure. But does your relationship motivate him to treat you the way you need to be treated? Unlikely.

 

Bottom line here - he is making you needy. Or you are just generally needy. but if you're stalking his movements on social media and getting upset if you don't get a goodnight text while he's living elsewhere - then you're being triggered in the relationship for whatever reason and my advice to you would be to find a healthier relationship.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you're ready to break up with him.

 

The conversations you report ... the things he says ... make no sense and a rude as well.

 

I'm kinda unusual in my thinking ... but I do not think you go visit someone simply because you have paid for a ticket. You can compound your problems. There's the ticket expense for sure ... But ... going over there with his current attitude might only be an additional emotional expense and loss.

 

Any chance you can exchange that ticket for a visit somewhere else you'd like to go ... even if you have to add a little money?

 

Something about his words about dating and labels ... makes me think he had a fling over there, and he's trying to cover for it by criticizing the terms of your relationship with him.

 

He's up to something and it ain't good for you.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Sadly this sounds like a one sided relationship. IMO Once someone dismisses your feelings, the relationship is over. I've been there several times and once my feelings were dismissed, the guy kept w/drawing. Making a woman stressed is not needed. He doesn't sound like he respects you at all. If this continues, take a trip down there, not to see him, but as a vacation.

[kendahke]

(i can see when he is active online).

 

How do you do this? I mean, I'm on IG all the time scrolling and I've never seen that feature. Is there something I'm missing?

 

While chatting I brought up my concerns from the weekend, not in an accusatory or angry way, and he was totally dismissive of my feelings.

When I was explaining to him why I felt upset, he told me I sound so robotic.

Then made a comment about he hates how labels exist and that they create expectations that shouldn't be there.

Now, I took this to mean that he was talking about boyfriend/girlfriend labels, but according to him he meant it in that labels create expectations of "he's supposed to do this because he's my boyfriend" or "shes my girlfriend so she should do this".

 

The guilty make the most noise.

 

He cheated and he's deflecting his guilt onto you and attacking you. Why? Why use the "sledgehammer to kill a gnat?"

 

He came into this defensively after having been away from his girlfriend that he allegedly cares about. That's not exactly the mood or conversation one generally has in this situation when everything is on the up and up.

[Sunbathe]

Sadly this sounds like a one sided relationship. IMO Once someone dismisses your feelings' date=' the relationship is over. I've been there several times and once my feelings were dismissed, the guy kept w/drawing. Making a woman stressed is not needed. He doesn't sound like he respects you at all. If this continues, take a trip down there, not to see him, but as a vacation.[/quote']

 

Yeah, it has been a somewhat common theme in our relationship that he dismisses my feelings, or at least it takes so much effort to get him to understand my perspective and where i'm coming from. I often feel like i'm the one who does all the emotional labor in the relationship, and even when he's the one at fault I feel like i'm always the one to initiate and smooth things over. And combined with the fact I haven't seen him in 6 weeks now, it's making me feel pretty detached from him now.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice and perspectives. I think I've decided to just take a step back a little bit. I'm not going to be initiating any videocalls for a while, and i'm dialing it down on the affection and enthusiasm. I'm not ignoring him... I'll respond when he reaches out to me, but I'm not going to go out of my way here. Basically, I'm just going to match the effort he is making. And I'll go visit at the end of November like planned, see how things are in person, and go from there.

[Sunbathe]

How do you do this? I mean, I'm on IG all the time scrolling and I've never seen that feature. Is there something I'm missing?

 

 

 

The guilty make the most noise.

 

He cheated and he's deflecting his guilt onto you and attacking you. Why? Why use the "sledgehammer to kill a gnat?"

 

He came into this defensively after having been away from his girlfriend that he allegedly cares about. That's not exactly the mood or conversation one generally has in this situation when everything is on the up and up.

 

On instagram, if you have a dm thread going with another person and they're actively online, a little green dot pops up near their picture.

 

I really don't think he has cheated. Maybe he's having doubts about our relationship, but I trust that he would break up with me before pursuing anyone else if that were the case.

 

But I do agree that it is a problem that he was immediately dismissive and defensive. I don't doubt that he cares about me, but I do think he is selfish and cares about himself more than anything. I know if the roles were reversed in this situation and I was the one away in another country, I would be doing everything in my power to keep the romantic connection alive. This is why him saying these things to me is so hurtful.

[Sunbathe]

Update:

 

So given what transpired last night, I think I have decided I want to end things.

 

We were texting back and forth a little, he asked if I missed sex with him which I agreed that I did, and I asked him if he missed spending time with me which he agreed and made a joke about the gender differences. Flash forward a little and we’re talking about love languages, he asked (jokingly?) where his sex and gifts are and I responded that we have NSFW times almost every time we video chat. He brought up that I still haven’t purchased a particulae toy he’s been wanting me to get for video calls, and I explained that I’ve had a lot of my plate and several extra expenses lately so I didn’t have money to just spend and also that sex isn’t the #1 thing on my brain at the moment (still, I indulge him almost every time we video chat). I then brought up that we could have NSFW times more often if we Skyped more often, as we only talk once a week. I reminded him that before he left we talked about Skyping every 2-3 days, and that I would probably be in the mood more often if it felt like we were talking and connecting more often. His response? “Well we would Skype more often if you bought /toy/“ So implying he only would talk to me if it meant physical release for him. I pointed out how messed up that is, and he acknowledged it: “I know, I’m f’ed up. But I’m not going to apologize for it, that’s just the way I am”.

 

Went to bed after this, and we haven’t been in contact with each other today. I’m done chasing after him to smooth out arguments caused by him being a jerk. I’m done apologizing when I have nothing to apologize for, just to appease him. I’m done. But now what? Do I just consider the trip I had planned as a financial loss? Do I end things now over a videocall, or do I go on the trip and end things there? I’ve never broken up with somebody before.

[kendahke]

Did you get insurance on the trip or can you convert the ticket to someplace else more inviting?

 

I'd cancel the trip and block him and let him figure it out. Go someplace warm, sunny with fabulous drinks.

 

Doing sex acts over skype that he can record? Is that a wise use of your time? Nothing ever dies on the internet.

[bathtub-row]

You won't like this but I think he's too young to be in a committed relationship while he's trying to pursue his education. He needs his freedom to explore his life and this relationship is holding him back. I know that makes you sad and it will probably make him sad if you tell him that but, the truth is, giving him his freedom is the best thing you could ever do for him.