How to know when a man isn't interested in you

[guest569]

During a first date, after it, and communication that follows. And follow up dates.

 

Women, how good are you at sensing that he is not interested?

 

Men, what are some things you would do or say if you're not interested?

 

All, how do you distinguish between someone who is a shy, introvert versus not interested?

 

If you're not interested, or semi interested, do you persevere for a few dates?

 

What do you do if you feel that they are losing interest?

[coolheadal]

During a first date, after it, and communication that follows. And follow up dates.

 

Women, how good are you at sensing that he is not interested?

 

Men, what are some things you would do or say if you're not interested?

 

All, how do you distinguish between someone who is a shy, introvert versus not interested?

 

If you're not interested, or semi interested, do you persevere for a few dates?

 

What do you do if you feel that they are losing interest?

 

I don't know what you want us men to say but for me the date will go either way but I am not being rude about a date. I will take them out and if I see it going no where fast. I'll just wrap it up and say. Nice meeting you but I think it's time to end this and go our separate ways. I never had to say that to any women as of yet.

 

I try not to date those type of woman who are not interested. But there are times some try to pull a fast one on me like the Halloween 2016. Date #1 at her place bad mistake there, but she had to pick up her 16 year old son from school and cook him dinner.

 

So like I said best way to get out of any date you see not going well just excuse yourself politely and paid for the meal. If she offers to help pay let her go dutch. That's about it for me...

[d0nnivain]

I'm terrible at distinguishing shy/introverted from not interested. After my 1st date with my husband I literally cried on a dear friend's shoulder because I thought my husband didn't like me.

 

Part of it involves sitting on your hands as a woman & giving him both a green light & time to make a move. You can't expect a request for a 2nd date right at the conclusion of the 1st date & you have to initiate a thank you for the date follow up so he knows you are open to the 2nd date. If that fails you can ask for & arrange the 2nd date. If you get a no or worse, no response, give up.

[FMW]

As d0nnivain said, you let him know you enjoyed the date, maybe mention something like "we should do it again", and then you wait for him to reach out. That's how you know if he's interested.

[Woggle]

If a man isn't making much of an effort to stay in contact and he seems interested in other things chances are he is not interested.

[mortensorchid]

How do I know he's not interested? I wish I could unlearn some of the things that I have learned if that makes sense, but here are some surefire clues (and yes, these things really did happen to me):

 

1) Entrance behavior - If there is any hostility or weirdness between me and him when we first meet (as in a "hi how are you" handshake) and sitting down, this is not good.

 

2) Deciding on a meeting place - If he says "you pick the place we meet" that tells me that he's not putting too much interest / effort into this at all. I could tell him I want to meet at McDonalds and he would be okay with that which is ridiculous.

 

3) Contact information - If we met on a dating app like Tinder or Bumble and he didn't give me his cell phone number after I have offered mine, he's not interested. If he does a follow up text the next day or an hour later with "I had a good time" after the date through the app, he's not interested.

 

4) Ordering food / beverages - If he shows up and doesn't order any food / beverages, even a glass of water, that shows me he's not interested in being in the moment.

 

5) Not paying - This is a huge topic of debate HOWEVER I am speaking about an instance where I (the woman) order something (even if it's just a drink) and he doesn't get anything. Or another time I showed up at a Chipotle's and he had already ordered his food and didn't wait for me. That tells me he's rude and self centered and not interested.

 

6) Exit behavior - If he doesn't walk me to my car - if he parts ways immediately, walks me halfway down the street, even if he gets up and walks away from me before we are out the door, he's not interested. If he doesn't even stop to shake my hand, if he acts all strange if I offer to shake his hand when we part (which has happened) I will just walk away from it. He's not interested. If and when he walks me to my car, he can shake my hand or hug me good-bye which is nice enough, that shows me he has courtesy.

 

7) The 48 Hour Rule - If he doesn't call / text within 48 hours of the meet up, 90% of the time you will not hear from him again. He might call / text a few days later, you might have a 2nd get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to it. He'll just be a friend.

 

8) If he does call / text in 48 hours - He must say in that text or call that he would like to see you again, otherwise it will be just some polite "how's your day going" type texts until you stop communicating.

 

Rules to live by.

[Ruby Slippers]

woops, meant to start a new thread...

[Veronica73]

How do I know he's not interested? I wish I could unlearn some of the things that I have learned if that makes sense, but here are some surefire clues (and yes, these things really did happen to me):

 

1) Entrance behavior - If there is any hostility or weirdness between me and him when we first meet (as in a "hi how are you" handshake) and sitting down, this is not good.

 

2) Deciding on a meeting place - If he says "you pick the place we meet" that tells me that he's not putting too much interest / effort into this at all. I could tell him I want to meet at McDonalds and he would be okay with that which is ridiculous.

 

3) Contact information - If we met on a dating app like Tinder or Bumble and he didn't give me his cell phone number after I have offered mine, he's not interested. If he does a follow up text the next day or an hour later with "I had a good time" after the date through the app, he's not interested.

 

4) Ordering food / beverages - If he shows up and doesn't order any food / beverages, even a glass of water, that shows me he's not interested in being in the moment.

 

5) Not paying - This is a huge topic of debate HOWEVER I am speaking about an instance where I (the woman) order something (even if it's just a drink) and he doesn't get anything. Or another time I showed up at a Chipotle's and he had already ordered his food and didn't wait for me. That tells me he's rude and self centered and not interested.

 

6) Exit behavior - If he doesn't walk me to my car - if he parts ways immediately, walks me halfway down the street, even if he gets up and walks away from me before we are out the door, he's not interested. If he doesn't even stop to shake my hand, if he acts all strange if I offer to shake his hand when we part (which has happened) I will just walk away from it. He's not interested. If and when he walks me to my car, he can shake my hand or hug me good-bye which is nice enough, that shows me he has courtesy.

 

7) The 48 Hour Rule - If he doesn't call / text within 48 hours of the meet up, 90% of the time you will not hear from him again. He might call / text a few days later, you might have a 2nd get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to it. He'll just be a friend.

 

8) If he does call / text in 48 hours - He must say in that text or call that he would like to see you again, otherwise it will be just some polite "how's your day going" type texts until you stop communicating.

 

Rules to live by.

 

Wow. You have had some craptastic dates.

 

I agree with the people who say if you make it clear you really enjoyed the date and that you like him, and he doesn’t get back to you and stay in contact with you... he’s not interested. I guess there is a possibility I’m disqualifying shy guys with that... but so be it. I’m pretty shy/submissive myself. I don’t want to wear the pants in the relationship. I feel like guys make it pretty clear if they are interested.

[carhill]

After saying goodbye on an otherwise decent date, he doesn't, even briefly, look back.

[guest569]

Thanks for your responses all. I'll just hang in there and see what happens I guess - backing right off and focusing on other things in my life.

 

I will take them out and if I see it going no where fast. I'll just wrap it up and say. Nice meeting you but I think it's time to end this and go our separate ways. I never had to say that to any women as of yet.

 

This one seems pretty clear to me. Although I am sure some would not take the hint. Some guys are flat out rude if they're not feeling it, and others seem like you're getting along like a house on fire - but then he finds someone else to date or reflects upon it and no 2nd date.

 

I'm terrible at distinguishing shy/introverted from not interested. After my 1st date with my husband I literally cried on a dear friend's shoulder because I thought my husband didn't like me.

 

Part of it involves sitting on your hands as a woman & giving him both a green light & time to make a move.

 

As d0nnivain said, you let him know you enjoyed the date, maybe mention something like "we should do it again", and then you wait for him to reach out. That's how you know if he's interested.

 

Oh my goodness! (About your first date with your now husband)

 

I have had a few dates with someone shy, introverted and slow moving and now feeling like he is losing interest - so we have both the shy/introverted and lack of interest. I think! But yes, I will just wait for his next move (if there is one). Pretty sure I have given green lights.

 

It's a little frustrating, because if I sense this lack of interest maybe it's not for me, because I'm probably a bit too needy for this sort of crap. 'Will he, won't he'. My first boyfriend was a little like this in the beginning, and he turned out lukewarm about me and broke it off 9 months into the relationship. But I guess there are other instances where someone is iffy at the beginning and then falls head over heels - I think I am an example of that. It took a little coaxing for me to even go on a date again due to life being rubbish, so I feel a little bummed that I don't think it's going to pan out.

 

If a man isn't making much of an effort to stay in contact and he seems interested in other things chances are he is not interested.

 

What do you mean by 'interested in other things'? I get that, if his contact is minimal and he doesn't really put much effort into asking questions or scheduling another date, right? What about when he is still chatty, flirty and then backing off for no apparent reason? What about when he still schedules dates, but just doesn't seem that enthused? Why would he bother? He does not seem like a high energy, expressive type of guy which also makes him a bit hard to read.

 

2) Deciding on a meeting place - If he says "you pick the place we meet" that tells me that he's not putting too much interest / effort into this at all. I could tell him I want to meet at McDonalds and he would be okay with that which is ridiculous.

 

3) Contact information - If we met on a dating app like Tinder or Bumble and he didn't give me his cell phone number after I have offered mine, he's not interested. If he does a follow up text the next day or an hour later with "I had a good time" after the date through the app, he's not interested.

 

6) Exit behavior - If he doesn't walk me to my car - if he parts ways immediately, walks me halfway down the street, even if he gets up and walks away from me before we are out the door, he's not interested. If he doesn't even stop to shake my hand, if he acts all strange if I offer to shake his hand when we part (which has happened) I will just walk away from it. He's not interested. If and when he walks me to my car, he can shake my hand or hug me good-bye which is nice enough, that shows me he has courtesy.

 

Rules to live by.

 

Thanks mortens, the above are all 'bingo'! Which has given me a bit of.. disappointment. I recall my first boyfriend went to a lot of effort to plan dates to try to impress me and it was soooo beautiful. Our second date was a concert on a hilltop at night, us snuggled on a picnic blanket, and an impressive array of my favourite foods that he prepared for me - shows that he listened to my interests and put a lot of thought into it.. I will never forget it. So when a guy is 'what do you want to do. you pick.' hmm. But then maybe this is modern man.

 

About taking time to give contact info - I am not sure, he takes things slowly and didn't want to pressure me, so there is that.

 

Not walking me to my car, making me go off alone in the dark and cold.. when he could have accompanied me and gave me a goodbye kiss (needless to say, no kissing or hand holding after a few dates - should I add that to the list?). Hmph. I am a modern feminist woman, I will make my own way just fine, but come on..

[guest569]

After saying goodbye on an otherwise decent date, he doesn't, even briefly, look back.

 

But what if I don't look back to see if he is looking back? Does that mean I'm not interested either?

[coolheadal]

Dates you take them or you leave them.

[kendahke]

Nowdays, I'm pretty adept at gauging interest levels in men. Wasn't always the case.

 

I have 5 things I look out for when I first meet someone and if they do 3 of the 5 things I look for, then I know they aren't interested and to re-bait my hook and put it back in the water.

 

Those 5 things are: lack of eye contact, the state of their clothes*, were they on time, did they ask me any questions about myself, body language.

 

*I'm 59... I don't show up in stained sweats, uncombed hair/unwashed face, reeking of body odor and I expect a man in his 60's not to do that. And yes, I've had this happen to me in the past, hence my position now.

 

All, how do you distinguish between someone who is a shy, introvert versus not interested?

 

Body language and vibe--it's something I can't put my finger on--it's more of a feeling/sense I get from their energy.

 

If you're not interested, or semi interested, do you persevere for a few dates?

 

No. What's the point?

 

What do you do if you feel that they are losing interest?

 

If they're someone I really like and want to get to know, be disappointed for a few hours, I suppose, but then I get on with things. You can't make someone feel something they don't--great Bonnie Raitt song--and it's a waste of my time to try when there is someone else out there who doesn't have to be "brought 'round".

Edited October 3, 2018 by kendahke

[LauraXX]

Women, how good are you at sensing that he is not interested?

I’ve been on dates where I was actually surprised that the guy wanted to see me again because I didn’t feel any connection at all and had the feeling that he found me rather boring. So it’s safe to say that I’m not very good at sensing the interest level.

 

 

All, how do you distinguish between someone who is a shy, introvert versus not interested?

Can’t say. I’m very attracted to extroverts and haven’t been on a lot of dates with introverts. I remember one guy who seemed a bit shy and disinterested during the date and I was convinced that he didn’t like me. However, when we said goodbye he asked if I wanted to see him again (and turned out to be very clingy in the weeks after). So as I said above – I’m really not good at distinguishing that.

 

 

If you're not interested, or semi interested, do you persevere for a few dates?

Definitely not when I don't feel any chemistry at all. It’s different with a “semi interest”. Sometimes I’m physically attracted to somebody but they seem a bit shallow on the first date. That makes me wonder if they’d have more meaningful things to say on the next date, so yes - I might agree to see them again.

 

Or it’s the opposite. Sometimes you go out with somebody, have a wonderful time and great conversations, but the spark / erotic tension is missing. Experience has shown me that that can change when you get to know somebody better. It helps when you’re at least remotely attracted to the person, but why would you date them in the first place if that wasn’t the case ?

 

 

If, after the 2nd or 3rd date, there still hasn’t been a single “butterflies” moment, I’d probably lose interest and wouldn’t persevere.

 

 

What do you do if you feel that they are losing interest?

Not much in the early dating stage. I might try to contact him less & act a bit more distant and see if that makes him chase me again (spoiler alert: it usually doesn't). But if that doesn't work, that's fine and I wouldn't take it personally and just try to date other people.

 

 

 

It's a whole different story when I've been hanging out with the guy for a while. I get attached far too easily and dating somebody for a few months makes me feel like we're a married couple. So if at that stage I sense that the guy is pulling away, that makes me really insecure. However, there's not much you can do. You can't force a man to be interested in you. So I'd probably just do my thing, live my life, give him space, contact him less, try to act like I'm cool with it during the day (and lie awake, overthink, over-analyze and worry during the night ).

[thefooloftheyear]

I know it's a cliche, but men are pretty visual....I think another poster mentioned it as a "vibe" ....I'd agree...I know if a woman looks like a knockout, most guys show interest...

 

But then not all guys are the same.....Some are interested but are horrible at showing it(me)..Some guys are moody(me)...They can be occupied with other things like work stresses, etc(me)....

 

While other guys are more low key and easy going...I'd say it's far easier to gauge interest from these guys, than guys like me....You never really know if it's lack of interest or just what's occupying that guys mind at that time...

 

Don't know if that helps, but I tried..

 

TFY

[alphamale]

mortensorchid, you really need to write a book about dating

[Woggle]

What I mean by interested in other things is when he would rather hang with his friends or go out or do anything other than seeing the woman he is dating. If she just seems like some side thing then he has low interest.

[Malin889]

I'm terrible at distinguishing shy/introverted from not interested. After my 1st date with my husband I literally cried on a dear friend's shoulder because I thought my husband didn't like me.

 

Part of it involves sitting on your hands as a woman & giving him both a green light & time to make a move. You can't expect a request for a 2nd date right at the conclusion of the 1st date & you have to initiate a thank you for the date follow up so he knows you are open to the 2nd date. If that fails you can ask for & arrange the 2nd date. If you get a no or worse, no response, give up.

 

That's good advice!

[snowboy91]

Guy talking here, but I like to keep things simple.

 

If I'm not interested in you - I won't initiate messages. If you pester me I'll most likely give brief responses that don't really lead anywhere. If I'm asked directly if I'm still interested I will say no.

 

If I'm interested in you, you're going to know about it. You'll hear from me the next day, I'll be asking you about your day, and I'll be sorting out the next date ASAP because I want to see you!

 

But all this is because I've learned to speak up for what I want. If a guy is a more shytype then it gets a lot more difficult. In that case I'd suggest dates yourself and see how he responds.

[guest569]

Thanks for your input all. I know every situation is unique, but I think I knew he was pulling away, but didn't want it to be the case. Was trying to convince myself that it is just his shyness, introversion, taking things slowly, no pressure, all of which are true. But he seems to have backed right off, and I have deleted his number. I suspect that he is dating someone else and was keeping me on the back burner. Will see if he ever reaches out again. If he does, I will probably just ignore him or tell him I'm not interested anymore. I don't think that is too rash or expecting too much. I want a guy who wants me and shows it, who isn't afraid to want me and go after me and impress me and have fun.

 

I feel so disappointed. It was fun for a little while there..

[Zippy2000]

How do you know a man isn't interested?

 

 

We don't flirt or make fun of you

we don't give out compliments

We don't respond to your texts or phone calls

If we do respond our answers are short and brief.

We don't make any future dates with you

We don't offer to pay for the bill

We don't follow up on our promises we made

Our promises don't get followed up by our actions

 

 

If were not thinking about you then we wont text or call. Our ACTIONS on what we do show we aren't interested,

 

 

I don't think he`ll reach out again. A lot of men who aren't interested in you first initially don't always change their mind. Next date though!

[MaleIntuition]

Thanks for your input all. I know every situation is unique, but I think I knew he was pulling away, but didn't want it to be the case. Was trying to convince myself that it is just his shyness, introversion, taking things slowly, no pressure, all of which are true. But he seems to have backed right off, and I have deleted his number. I suspect that he is dating someone else and was keeping me on the back burner. Will see if he ever reaches out again. If he does, I will probably just ignore him or tell him I'm not interested anymore. I don't think that is too rash or expecting too much. I want a guy who wants me and shows it, who isn't afraid to want me and go after me and impress me and have fun.

 

I feel so disappointed. It was fun for a little while there..

 

You are probably right, but a couple of things to consider:

 

Shy and introverted are two completely different things. Without going into the details, shyness has to do with social anxiety and fear of rejection/abandonment which I believe most people experience to different degrees. While introversion is tied to preferred cognitive function, making external stimuli more tiresome.

 

If someone have a fairly severe fear of rejection, asking a lady on a date is a pretty big deal, and the annoying part is; the more they like them, the worth the anxiety would become.

 

A lot of women are giving advice to each other which are basically summed up by: “do nothing, if he likes you he will do something”. “If he is just ****chatting he isn’t interested” etc. These kinds of advice only works on people whom are not shy.

 

I guess my point is that a shy guy would require much more encouragement before they take the step to ask on another date.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted but at least you now have a bright line. This should enable you to move on to the next person.

 

Happy hunting.

[guest569]

You are probably right, but a couple of things to consider:

 

Shy and introverted are two completely different things. Without going into the details, shyness has to do with social anxiety and fear of rejection/abandonment which I believe most people experience to different degrees. While introversion is tied to preferred cognitive function, making external stimuli more tiresome.

 

If someone have a fairly severe fear of rejection, asking a lady on a date is a pretty big deal, and the annoying part is; the more they like them, the worth the anxiety would become.

 

A lot of women are giving advice to each other which are basically summed up by: “do nothing, if he likes you he will do something”. “If he is just ****chatting he isn’t interested” etc. These kinds of advice only works on people whom are not shy.

 

I guess my point is that a shy guy would require much more encouragement before they take the step to ask on another date.

 

Yes absolutely. This guy is both shy and introverted and I felt that both of these factors were initially playing into it. Not being overly expressive and taking a while to ask me out again.

 

Thing is, I'm shy and introverted too. So when his level of communication diminished I felt really lousy and responded by mirroring his lack of contact. I am quite sure I gave enough of a green light but he has slammed on the brakes and hit reverse I feel.

[MaleIntuition]

Yes absolutely. This guy is both shy and introverted and I felt that both of these factors were initially playing into it. Not being overly expressive and taking a while to ask me out again.

 

Thing is, I'm shy and introverted too. So when his level of communication diminished I felt really lousy and responded by mirroring his lack of contact. I am quite sure I gave enough of a green light but he has slammed on the brakes and hit reverse I feel.

 

Hmm, could have been a negative spiral where you both simply mirrored each other hoping the other would step it up. Can I ask what green lights you gave him?