How Do You Deal With Women Who Flake?

[Straya]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I just need your advice on how to deal with flakes. I've had such a weird experience the last month...like wtf...why do people behave like this? Time is valuable is it not?

 

 

 

(A flake is someone who generally makes plans with you, promises to do things with or for you but can never seem to follow through. When confronted with their behavior they usually get defensive.)

 

 

 

Short story:

 

This girl who I have known for a while and WAS interested in has flaked me a couple of times now this month...in fact 4 times in a row and I finally called her out on it. When I did confront her, she essentially promised she would meet me the following week, but by then I was in no mood and there wasn't much of a point so I said no. I assume this offended her...and I said a few things out of frustration, and she hasn't contacted me back since...and I don't plan on contacting her either. I did nothing wrong...(did I?)

 

 

 

Background story:

I know it's long, but I sort of need to vent as well...so bare with me

 

 

We weren't exactly dating, but our relationship over the past month got noticeably closer, whereby she was divulging a lot of personal information to me and me to her. The whole idea behind me texting was to basically gauge her interest level and to get her to come out with me, without having to ask her out on a date...my intentions were to eventually after a few hangouts ask her face-to-face out on a real date, since I'm not really a fan of asking people out on Whatsapp or text...I find it weird.

 

 

We did meet a couple of times last month and we both enjoyed ourselves...I mean I got the typical positive female responses...laughing at all my lame jokes, light accidental touches, positive body language etc... but all through this month I've been having a hard time with her. I did ask her a couple of times if she wanted to do certain things...she either ignored it or said she was busy with relatives visiting. In my mind, that's basically a woman saying "back off"...and so I did.

 

 

The weird this here is that when I did back off, she initiated it all again...for example, she would randomly text me all this month "what are you doing". Usually this would be at midday, so I'd be "out to lunch" or "at X place"....sometimes if I were in the mood, I'd ask her if you'd like to come join me...and here's the weird thing...no response at all sometimes. And other times she'd say yes and then give some weird excuses like "relatives visiting" or "busy in office". Like WTF...why are you asking me what I'm doing then?

 

 

 

About a couple of weeks ago, I was downtown, and I again I got a "what are you doing" text. That was my day off, and I was at a mall, and she mentioned that she needed to come as well and said we'd meet up...a couple of hours go by, no contact from her. Didn't make too much of it but that was the first time it dawned on me this girl might be up to no good...this had happened now a few times and I wasn't too impressed. Don't say "lets meet up" and then not meet.

 

 

 

I texted her that evening a polite message that "If you don't want to hangout, you can just say no or not make plans. It's easier." She came back with the typical "wth...where is this coming from" nonsense, but I didn't fall for the bait. I again withdrew.

 

 

 

A couple of days later, I get a "what are you doing" message again right at midday...and again I responded with "about to head out to lunch"...she said we should meet after work...I said okay...few hours later I get a message "sorry...busy...have to stay late...let's try another day"...I just said "k" and let it go.

 

 

That evening she said let's meet on Thursday...guess what...Wednesday night at the 11th hour I get a message "sorry i'll be at home...not going to work tomorrow...lets meet on the weekend"....I said "ok" and just let it go again....I mean WTF...at this point I had doubts about the weekend.

 

 

 

Friday night comes, and she claims she had a huge fight with someone and was in a depressive mood...basically shut herself off...Saturday rolls around, nothing from her. By now I was super pissed...not at her, but more so myself...like WTF am I being played around like a fiddle for. I messaged her once Saturday afternoon that I was heading out...if you want to meet up, text me....I wasn't going to waste my time.

 

 

 

Late Saturday night she sends yet another text...apologized and asked me again "what are you doing tomorrow"...I responded that I was going to a certain place and for her to come. Do I really need to tell you what happened?

 

 

By Monday morning I had enough and sent her a really stern text...that her attitude was unacceptable and if you have no intention of meeting then don't set up meets or don't ask me what I'm doing.

 

 

She comes back with a "I'm having a tough time at home" BS excuse (UPDATE: apparently she is)...but that's no excuse to behave like this. Settle your issues, and then ask to meet people...or at least communicate that you're having issues so I'd leave you alone or if you need my advice then I can help you. I can't read peoples minds.

 

 

 

She then tried to set us up again next week, and wanted to meet me but by now I'd had enough and said I wasn't in the mood and said no.

 

 

Coupled with a few harsh texts about "don't treat people like ****" etc. I haven't heard back from her since.

 

 

WTF is she giving me the silent treatment for...I didn't do anything. I just called her out.

[luvflower]

Hello and sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Sounds like she’s feeling guilty for being called out on her BS. IMO situations like these require you to either play along with her by going on with your life until she reaches out to you again. Or... going no contact even when she does decide to reach out again.

 

I’m female too. She’s either intentionally just being mean or doesn’t know how to tell you she’s seeing someone else. Either way she sounds immature.

[Straya]

Hello and sorry to hear about your situation.

 

Thanks for reading all that. Yeah, it's a crappy feeling no doubt...not so much that she didn't come, but make plans or suggest plans and then not follow through. That's so rude!

 

 

 

Sounds like she’s feeling guilty for being called out on her BS.

 

Indeed, and this is why she wanted to meet up again next week I assume...but I felt as if she was feeling pity for me...I don't need her pity and said no.

 

 

 

 

IMO situations like these require you to either play along with her by going on with your life until she reaches out to you again. Or... going no contact even when she does decide to reach out again.

Definitely I will not be contacting her first...if she cares, she'll contact me...4 days in and nothing from her. Heartless, but whatever.

 

 

I’m female too. She’s either intentionally just being mean or doesn’t know how to tell you she’s seeing someone else. Either way she sounds immature.

Thanks for you insight...no doubt about it she probably does have a few other guys strung around her finger.

 

It appears this day in age, flaking is pretty common. It's really gutless.

[smackie9]

I don't see her being anything.

 

 

 

Don't get mad at her, get mad at yourself for not ditching her the first time she started ignoring your messages or flaking on you. You see the behavior, you don't like it yet you kept trying to set something up with her. Stop doing that.

 

 

 

This is what I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. The lack of real interest was pretty obvious and that was your cue to block/delete and move on. I understand your frustration, but most people in general don't like to reject people, they choose to flake/ignore hoping you get the hint.

 

 

Being passive aggressive, calling her out doesn't make her realize her mistake. She is just going think you are a d-bag loser. So to win in this situation is to cut them off at the first sign of flakiness. They don't deserve any more of your time.

[kendahke]

How Do You Deal With Women (people) Who Flake?

 

I don't.

 

You get one time to act a fool.

[Juha]

That's easy.....You ignore them after they disrespect you...

 

Next!!!

[kendahke]

She gets away with it because she's been allowed to get away with it. Her looks, her sex, whatever gets her out of any fall out that may occur.

 

she would randomly text me all this month "what are you doing". Usually this would be at midday, so I'd be "out to lunch" or "at X place"....sometimes if I were in the mood, I'd ask her if you'd like to come join me...and here's the weird thing...no response at all sometimes.

 

Oh, she's an eff girl. She does eff girl stuff. That's what they do.

 

People who text "WYD?" are time wasters. Asking that question is them figuring out who amongst their contacts is doing the most exciting thing at that moment---not necessarily that she/he wants to spend time with you.

 

I texted her that evening a polite message that "If you don't want to hangout, you can just say no or not make plans. It's easier." She came back with the typical "wth...where is this coming from" nonsense, but I didn't fall for the bait. I again withdrew. A couple of days later, I get a "what are you doing" message again right at midday...

 

I'd have copied that conversation--or screen shot it--and sent it to her in that moment and tell her "I really hate these "WYD?" texts where you vanish after I answer. Stop sending them"--and let her get as mad as she wants.

 

 

she said we should meet after work...

 

Stop answering her texts. She's got you trained, s0n.

[Straya]

I don't see her being anything.

 

 

 

Don't get mad at her, get mad at yourself for not ditching her the first time she started ignoring your messages or flaking on you. You see the behavior, you don't like it yet you kept trying to set something up with her. Stop doing that.

 

 

 

This is what I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. The lack of real interest was pretty obvious and that was your cue to block/delete and move on. I understand your frustration, but most people in general don't like to reject people, they choose to flake/ignore hoping you get the hint.

 

 

Being passive aggressive, calling her out doesn't make her realize her mistake. She is just going think you are a d-bag loser. So to win in this situation is to cut them off at the first sign of flakiness. They don't deserve any more of your time.

 

 

I am mad at myself if not anything else...I learned it the hard way. Definitely she's been cutoff now.

[Straya]

That's easy.....You ignore them after they disrespect you...

 

Next!!!

 

 

Yup...that's for sure.

 

 

 

She gets away with it because she's been allowed to get away with it. Her looks, her sex, whatever gets her out of any fall out that may occur.

 

 

 

Oh, she's an eff girl. She does eff girl stuff. That's what they do.

 

People who text "WYD?" are time wasters. Asking that question is them figuring out who amongst their contacts is doing the most exciting thing at that moment---not necessarily that she/he wants to spend time with you.

 

 

 

I'd have copied that conversation--or screen shot it--and sent it to her in that moment and tell her "I really hate these "WYD?" texts where you vanish after I answer. Stop sending them"--and let her get as mad as she wants.

 

 

 

 

Stop answering her texts. She's got you trained, s0n.

 

 

I've slowly comes to this realization myself as well...I was just being played a fool. I stopped alright...but I feel so dumb all these weeks....but I gotta learn the hard way I guess.

[kendahke]

but I gotta learn the hard way I guess.

 

But at least you're learning. Puts you far ahead of the others who are impaled on this.

 

Look up Derrick Jaxn on youtube--he did a video on eff girls.

[MaleIntuition]

Doesn’t sound like this particular girl had any romantic interest in you to begin with. She definitely didn’t respect you and a relationship wouldn’t have worked. I would advice you against the “friend-first” approach. A lot of men try that in their younger days and quickly figures out that it’s seldome a good dating strategy. Make your interest clear from the getgo, girls generally prefers that over the pseudo-let’s-hang-out-kind-of-maybe-date.

 

I personally think that some flakes can be okey-ish, even if the excuse is lame (not in the mood/headache/whatever). Maybe I’m slightly naive, but for some (especially introverts), social settings, like dates, can be exhausting. Assuming that they know themselves good enough, they might also know that they will make a better impression if they postpone a couple of days. If they offer to reschedule, just accept that and don’t make a big deal about it. If they don’t offer to reschedule, they probably aren’t interested anymore.

[Lotsgoingon]

You don't confront a flake about flakiness. You just stop playing with the flake.

 

Maybe once you let someone cancel on you .... maybe twice ... depends on the situation ... Depends on their explanation and how much they reassure you they really want to get together.

 

Example: a good friend of mine just recently had one of her closest friends die ... and then has had multiple emergencies with her ailing parents. She's had to postpone meeting up. I get it.

 

But if she postponed on me without explanation (even though she's "only" a friend), I would be less forgiving.

 

First test of dating someone: are they reliable? Can you at least meet with them? They flunk that test, you let them go.

 

You don't waste time being mad at them. You could just as easily be grateful that she revealed her flakiness early on--much kinder than to reveal it multiple months into a relationship.

 

Quit being so passive and make the clear judgment when someone acts strange. Let them loose.

[Straya]

Doesn’t sound like this particular girl had any romantic interest in you to begin with. She definitely didn’t respect you and a relationship wouldn’t have worked. I would advice you against the “friend-first” approach. A lot of men try that in their younger days and quickly figures out that it’s seldome a good dating strategy. Make your interest clear from the getgo, girls generally prefers that over the pseudo-let’s-hang-out-kind-of-maybe-date.

 

I personally think that some flakes can be okey-ish, even if the excuse is lame (not in the mood/headache/whatever). Maybe I’m slightly naive, but for some (especially introverts), social settings, like dates, can be exhausting. Assuming that they know themselves good enough, they might also know that they will make a better impression if they postpone a couple of days. If they offer to reschedule, just accept that and don’t make a big deal about it. If they don’t offer to reschedule, they probably aren’t interested anymore.

 

 

Trust me I know...friend first approach is about as lethal as mixing business with family members. It's always going to lead to trouble.

 

 

 

In this case it was a bit hard...we actually were friends for about 9 years...not close friends, but we hung out within the same group and then in the past two months we reconnected after a year or two.

 

 

 

I suspect she was just using me as an emotional punching bag while she went through her nonsense.

[OnlyHonesty]

As Ive said before, most problems in dating come from people not setting boundaries, or not enforcing the ones that they set. A girl flaked on you several times so your problem was not setting boundaries.

Look, no matter how hot a girl is, or how good the sex is, if she flakes, disrespects you, talks down, or any other infraction you walk. At the very least you'd set a boundary and if it happens again, enforce it.

Your only problem was being afraid to walk. Stop putting up with so much crap...

[Gretchen12]

I don't think there was much attraction, or she's distracted, or she was turned off the first time you seemed upset that she flaked.

 

Flakieness, I get that from friends of both genders and coworkers too. If we fix a specific time and I get stood up, it's a huge deal. At other times, there are some people when they say "let's get together Sunday and do this and that", they are just doing small talk.

 

For them it is a normal way to talk and they don't understand why you are upset. I know people like that. It's not even flakieness as we know it, because at the time they said it, they never meant it to be taken literally.

 

It's like you say to me "See you later!" then I get mad at you at the end of the day and confront you why you flaked out after telling me you'd see me later. Once you figure out that's how they talk, you don't take what they say seriously.

 

But you were interested in dating her so you had more expectations. If this was a guy friend or a relative, you wouldn't be as upset.

[JS84]

I've cut women off for being far less flaky than that. I basically just stop talking to them, stop reaching out, and move on. If I'm upset I keep it to myself because as someone else said earlier, your rant to her most likely didn't make her see the error of her ways and probably made you come off as a bit of a whiner/douche. At least to her. But it sounds like you learned your lesson.

 

After she blew you off the 2nd or 3rd time you should have read the writing on the wall. I would have been done after the 2nd blow off but that's just me. And really gender doesn't have too much to do with that.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I had no patience for flakes! I stopped giving second chances to guys who flaked the 1st time because usually they flaked a second time. If they flaked, their number was erased and any other texts were ignored.