How do I salvage this?

[Sammygirl]

Hi.

 

I went on this date 2 weeks ago and he was head over heels. Said he'd text me when he got home but texted me 5 minutes later. Texted me good morning every day. Talked all the time. He treated me like we were already in a relationship. Quick but I went with it. He was already planning things we could do and how we were great together and joked around alot. He was supposed to come visit me one day but he cancelled last minute. It wasn't a big deal he was pretty busy that day and needed some rest. The whole next week he was so busy. Which I knew and was fine with.

 

We didn't talk much late in the week but made plans for the Sunday. He bailed on that one too. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time we both were judt too lazy to make the drive. He still was talking to me Sunday night like he wanted to see me again and about us together and can't wait to see me. Do we made plans for Monday night. He bailed on those too. He said he could make it but was pretty exhausted then ghosted the rest of the night. At the time I was like ok. But became more unsettled. I asked him when he'd like to reschedule then asked if Wednesday worked and got no response. Which is no problem.

 

It had only been a couple hours. I saw him back online and updated his plenty of fish account which did bother me but I was still like yeah usually I go on and off it so no worries. But I was tired of being cancelled on and very disappointed at this point so I msged him saying hey.. I'm kinda looking for a relationship and not just a texting one and we can't seem to keep plans so don't worry about rescheduling.

 

I figured if things ended it would be on my own terms because I just figured it wasn't happening anyways. Was this wrong? I'm really bummed out and wish I could talk to him. Or take it back. Or see if maybe it was just bad timing and not that he was avoiding me. Or something. What to do..

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Garcon1986]

A bloke who tells you he's head over heels for you then plans and cancels dates, is not a proper gentleman. He sounds like a bit of a knob who has lost interest somewhere along the way. I would cut your losses and move on just like you did. You can snag a bigger and better fish the next time! No hard feelings.

[PRW]

Have you ever seen a dog, particularly a young one, get off its lease that it spends most of its time on? It goes crazy. Sniffs here, sniffs there, runs here, runs there,...it is all over the place a never stops. It has an attention span of about 2 seconds.

 

That is this guy. He was way over-the-top with the communication and things he said during and just after the first date. Instead of thinking, "Quick but I went with it", you should have been thinking, "Too quick, run from it". When a guy acts like this he is desperate and frantic.

 

Now you didn't mention Online Dating, but if he is involved in that then you take a person like this and put them on an Online Dating Site and you have a sugar addict in a candy store with a pocket full of cash. He will be "binge reading" all the women's profiles and messaging all of them. If he is good looking enough he will get multiple responses from women and will be like that dog that got off the leash running around sniffing at everything everywhere with a 2 second attention span.

 

Target the guys that will only contact you about once a week at first before you are exclusive, before you are actually boyfriend/girlfriend. Wait till a few dates have gone by and they have not thrown up any fed flags. Then you can start to initiate and reach out to them. They should then use your reaching out to them as their que to make the next date. After maybe two months have gone by (7-8 weeks), if you feel you want to be exclusive then be the one that brings up the conversation. Once you are then boyfriend/girlfriend then things can be a little more loose and less held back. But you both still need some discipline and don't go crazy and "burn out".

 

Look for guys who seem more emotionally controlled, emotionally balanced, and emotionally reserved. Look for a guy who shows discipline and consistency in his personal and work life (is he always complaining about work, or things in his personal life). Is he a "drama queen"? If he has discipline he won't break plans, he won't "double book" and then suddenly realize he can't meet unless he cancels something else.

 

It is just common sense stuff.

[d0nnivain]

A new relationship is usually energizing . . . you have the adrenaline to go see the other person even after a long day.

 

This on going pattern of not making the effort tells me he doesn't think you are worth the effort. Next.

[Zahara]

The ones that usually shoot off the blocks with grand declarations often end up crashing and burning.

 

He's probably also dating other women so maybe that is why he kept rescheduling with you.

 

In any case, move on from this one. I don't think he's invested.

[Sammygirl]

I went out with a guy a couple weeks ago and he has been acting super interested ever since. Overly interested. But we have made plans about 3 times and he bailed all 3 times. The first excuse was a good one. I was surprised he even tried to make plans with me that day because he was so busy.

 

The 2nd one wasn't the best excuse but he said we could still hangout as long as I went to his place because he didn't want to drive that day. I didn't go. He had just been away so I understand a little but we had plans the next day and he said he had a rough day but would still come. I said don't worry about it. I don't really want to hangout with a grumpy person right?

 

So I asked when he'd like to reschedule... Then I got impatient and said hey lets plan Wednesday becausr I knew he was free but voiced how upset I was that if we can't keep plans again then I can't try again. I'm getting disappointed. Anyways... I didn't hear baxk right away which is fine but then it left me with My thoughts and I went crazy and msged him saying hey I really liked meeting you and we enjoy alot of the same things but I'm not looking for a texting relationship and we can't seem to keep plans so don't worry about it.

 

Of course he didn't respond. And I thought I'd be cool with it. Hadn't known him long and wasn't really attached. But I've been pretty bummed. Is there a way to salvage this?

 

I'm in his area this weekend. Thought about just letting him know and seeing if he grabs or not..

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zahara]

Salvage? There is nothing to salvage. The guy isn't very interested and showed zero effort. The guy couldn't be bothered so why are you contemplating chasing him?

 

Raise your standards. The moment you start settling, you set yourself on a bad path. You need to know when to move on.

[preraph]

He was looking for a hookup. Any time a guy can't manage to take you out but gives you an invitation to come over instead, he just wants cheap convenient sex. I'm sure he was very enthusiastic indeed at the prospect of getting that. so you did everything right by refusing that invitation, and you let him know you were open to developing a relationship but he doesn't care because that's not what he wants. Don't contact him again unless all you want is sex too.

[Sammygirl]

I know for a fact it wasn't a booty call even though it seems that way. Thanks though

 

Also I do know he was super interested but I was reading things wrong. Did he get less interested over time... Absolutely. So did I it seems. But he always made an effort in talking but I just shut it down in fear of him shutting it down. If he shuts it down then great but I rather have the chance...

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zahara]

Also I do know he was super interested but I was reading things wrong. Did he get less interested over time... Absolutely. So did I it seems. But he always made an effort in talking but I just shut it down in fear of him shutting it down. If he shuts it down then great but I rather have the chance...

 

Look, guys like him are going to act super interested when they're looking for one thing. They're going to be charming, engaging, flirtatious, complimentary -- because they know some women will swoon and decipher it as legitimate interest and hopefully put out.

 

You declined going to his house for sex and he likely didn't feel like putting anymore effort into game. He's probably dating other women as well.

 

You did the right thing by shutting it down. He didn't even respond and went silent on you. That's how much he cares. He's moved on.

 

"Overly interested" does not equal genuine interest. You shouldn't get caught up with the initial high. Take your time getting to know someone. Know what your boundaries are and stick to them. Trust your instincts. Move on when you know someone isn't treating you right.

[Zahara]

I know for a fact it wasn't a booty call even though it seems that way. Thanks though

 

It was a booty call. He wanted you to get to his place on the 2nd date. He was looking for sex.

[Versacehottie]

Also I do know he was super interested but I was reading things wrong. Did he get less interested over time... Absolutely. So did I it seems. But he always made an effort in talking but I just shut it down in fear of him shutting it down. If he shuts it down then great but I rather have the chance...

 

I would not make a move to resurrect this. If he comes back to you, IF, then you can consider. In the future, better to fade off or not respond when someone isn't meeting your standards or common decency type standards or calmly let them know, like you did the first time. No going crazy--because then you will have regrets and will be in worst position to fix it. Going crazy means you are trying to get a reaction (usually a positive one of what you want, like in this case: where you wanted this guy to step it up). But you won't get a positive reaction (9 times out of 10) when you deal with it negatively. Indifference (i.e. fade away until he can do better) or a soft statement saying your point of view, like hey i'm not looking for a texting relationship is always better (more mature, more of a place where a compromise can be made).

 

He might come back out of curiosity or frankly looking for a booty call (at this point not that he started out that way). You have to put it out of your mind how fun and interested he seemed at the beginning because that is not what he is giving you currently. That's how good catches end up in bad relationships. Do not contact him. Take the lesson and you can respond if he contacts you (carefully). Good luck

[Mardelis]

Please- if you're going to date people you don't know, keep your guard up at least until you spend more time together, otherwise you are going to be taken advantage of, or worse.

Edited September 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[ExpatInItaly]

I know for a fact it wasn't a booty call even though it seems that way. Thanks though

 

Also I do know he was super interested but I was reading things wrong. Did he get less interested over time... Absolutely. So did I it seems. But he always made an effort in talking but I just shut it down in fear of him shutting it down. If he shuts it down then great but I rather have the chance...

 

How do you know this? Please don't say it is because he told you that.

[d0nnivain]

Salvage what? Why do you want to continue chasing a man who can't be bothered to actually show up once he makes plans with you. You were already getting fed up with him. He's not going to change & suddenly become Mr. Reliable so what is it that you will salvage?