Is it my insecurities that tells me to keep away from this guy or is it my intuition

[sensitivegirl0]

There is this guy (he is 27, I am 28). We work in different departments so we don't really see each other at work. He is a jokey, confident and good looking guy. One day, he visited our department to help us. The same day, I overheard him saying to another colleague of mine (guy) "she is so beautiful I will make her mine", but in a jokey way (and later on he told me that my colleague laughed at him and said to him to be careful meaning that it might not happen). The same day I heard him saying to the same colleague "wow you have so many pretty girl in this department" (he made sure that I heard it). The first impression I had about this guy was, he is a charmer/womaniser. He kept coming to our department and finally asked me out and gave his number.

 

Because of the first impression, I wasn't sure but long story short we have been seeing each other for 3 months. We haven't had sex because I cannot trust him. I even tried to cut it after 1.5 months because a few things happened.

 

Let me begin.

One day, we were together at lunch break. (We decided to keep it secret at work so we act like we are friends). He told me his break is finishing around 1.30ish and left me. Later around 2pm I bumped into him coming out from toilet and saying to his friend "my break is almost finishing now". Lie number 1. A small lie so I pretended i didn't hear (maybe he just couldn't say he needs to go to toilet )

 

The same day, we met after work. He was wearing a ring saying to me "oh managers gave me this ring because they said lots of girls are looking at me (we work in retail)". I said ok and laughed. When we were walking one guy looked at us and he said: "Oh let me remove my ring because this guy might be thinking where is his wife? why is he cheating on his wife?" I felt so bad. Why cant I be his wife? He is black, I am white. Is that why he is saying that? I just didn't say anything. Later on when I asked him, he said he doesnt know why he said that and he apologised if he upset me.

 

A few days later, I invited him to join me and my friend on a night out. He came, we had a really great time. He has a 4yearold daughter. 2 days after the night out, she was coming to stay with him for 10 days. During this time, he texted me good morning beautiful etc, but in more than one occasion he left my texts unanswered in them middle of conversation, and called me hours later to talk. Ok I understand he was with the daughter its difficult etc and its good that he called me at least but I found it a bit disrespectful that he didn't answer my texts. at least say that you cant text rather than leaving me hanging.

 

Meantime, he told me 3 times to call him after work (i finish around 11pm), he said he will be awake. I was like are you sure? i dont want to wake u up or the little girl. He said no its ok call me (so its him asking). When I called him first time he rejects my call, and no text saying why. next day he is like "oh she almost woke up sorry about that". and the next day same story. he insist i should call him. when I call, no answer. around 1 am he is texting me asking if I am still awake. The next day, he tells me to call him again. this time i text him to say he should call me tomorrow when he is free. he tells me ok he will call me but he doesn't call and we don't talk that day. one day later he calls asking me "wow why didnt you call me, you said you will call me". I was like that's not what i texted you. he opens the text and he is like "oh I read it wrong sorry".

 

I was done there. I felt like he was not being honest and playing games. I was like oh i see. And then I was like I don't like the way we have been communicating for the last 2 weeks. I think things will not work. and I suggested to stay friends. He insisted that we should talk and find a way through.

 

We decided to meet next day (on sunday) to talk. But he canceled last minute saying he is not feeling well. And I remember so well him telling me 3-4 days before that day that he was going to call in sick work on sunday so we could do something. I was like "wow so you really got ill on a sunday. Hope you get well soon".

 

2 days later he waits for me 3 hours at work to finish so we could talk. I explained that I expect better communication, no lies (he denied that he lied to me btw). He said it was bcz of his daughter. He said he has feelings for me, he will improve. He also told me I shouldnt be so uptight and give him space to improve rather than trying to cut it off. I was like I have so much uni work, if we are having problems like this it will effect my uni work. And I said I deserve a man who treats me good. He was like I am not telling you to lower your standards, dont cut it off, we can talk it through.

 

Anyways we had this talk 2 weeks ago. He really did improve but only for a week in terms of communication. But I am not sure about games. We went out for a coffee, I asked him if he is seeing other girls, he said he doesnt have time for that, he is busy with work. And one day before he told me, it requires to much money to do that so he doesnt want to. I really disnt like his answers. I expected him to say, I like you thats why i dont want to see other girls. Basically all he is saying is i dont have time and money to date other girls. If I had I would. But again I didnt tell him anything. And finally, last sunday, he told me he was so stressed at work. I texted him saying he can call me when he is free after work. This was at 9pm. He messaged me at 11pm saying he is eating etc and he will call me once he finished eating but never did. Around 2am again he messages me if I am still up. I replied 10 mins later saying yes but my eyes are closing, no reply again. Next morning he texts me with sad face message me when you wake up. He calls me from private number apologising. His excuse is he kept falling asleep. I was like yeah but you said you will eat and call. If you were so sleepy why didnt you tell me to talk later? I said I thought we talked about this. He was like because I wanted to call you after I eat but I was watching football so I just fell asleep. I just said ok whatever you say. I dont care anymore. and said I have work to do and we hang up. He sounded like he was feeling very guilty btw.

 

I got do dissapointed again and for a few days I became so distant with him. Although he was acting normal through text. We didnt see each other after this, he didnt even ask me to meet up. He just asked me whats wrong through text and I told him I am stressed with uni work. I didnt want to give him how he dissapointed me talk again because he already knew anyway. He also only called me once after this. During the call, he was like hold on a minute. I said what happened. He said I got one text and one email. I dont like when he does these things. Right after, he asked me if I could consider moving in with him after I finish uni (which is in a couple of months time). I was like if we are still together than yeah. And he was like why shouldnt we? I said we dont know what life will bring us. He also asked me how long I will have to wait for staying over in his house etc (he is basically just asking when I will be ready for sex). he said we have been seeing each other for 3 months isnt it enough time to get to know each other? I said what do you know about me? (because although we talk, I feel that he doesnt ask me questions about myself, try to get to know me in a deeper level, our converstaions are just about daily stuff, work, uni etc). His answer is, you are annoying and up and down and shy (again in a jokey way). I said so why are you with me then? Is there nothing good about me? He said oh because I need to help you cross the road and not get hit by a car (this is a joke between us). I asked him again what do you like about me? he said oh you are hardworking and you know what you want. But that's all he could say about me. Again, I dont think this answer is enough for me to sleep with him yet. I told him I like you because you are funny, friendly, nice, social, and caring. He said wow you made me look so nice. He was surprised. I said yeah because I am only saying what i lile about you and laughed. I said I want to be able to say that I can rely on you and trust you. He said dont you already? I said yeah but not 100%.

 

--

He tells me he will wait for me until i am ready for sex. But we always end up talking about it somehow. He says I should open up and trust him. And he also tries to guilt trip me by sayin in a jokey way "oh will I wait 3 years?" or "oh it will never happen".

We talk every day. He texts everyday and calls almost everyday. Even though he started to be less interested, less texts, in the last few days.

He drops me work holding my hand saying he doesn't care if someone sees.

He asked me if I want kids.

There is so much sexual attraction.

He is so affectionate which I like.

He always tells me to talk to him when something is wrong. But still I can't trust him.

He told me a couple of times that "I told them I will make you mine".

Also i told him more than one time when we were talking in general that I hate games and lies etc I want him to be straightforward and honest no matter what. And after I told him these, he started doing everything I hate.

 

Am I right not to trust him? Or is it my insecurities?

Edited September 23, 2018 by sensitivegirl0

[BaileyB]

I personally think he is married and looking for a little extra sex at work. So no, I would never trust him.

 

Seriously, no manager would ever give an employee a ring and ask them to wear it because the girls in the office are looking at him... that’s quite funny.

Edited September 23, 2018 by BaileyB

[sensitivegirl0]

He works where they sell rings and this was a ring that we were selling (like 1pound), but damaged one. So I know that its not a marriage ring. He was not married, he had a partner and he said they broke up 4 years ago because he cheated. When I asked him why he cheated he said things were not going well at home. I have been to his place. I didn't see anything unusual but again i cant be 100% sure with this guy

[BaileyB]

He had a partner and he said they broke up 4 years ago because he cheated.

 

Strike 2...

 

Look, this guy has an excuse for everything. He is not interested is getting to know you, but he is pressuring you for sex. He’s put a lot of time and energy into getting sex, and now that he hasn’t got it - he’s not texting or talking as much. Do with that what you want... Something is not right here or it would be coming together and you wouldn’t be putting him through the paces. I would tell him to keep walking.

 

What ever you do, do not move in with a guy that you hardly know and don’t trust. For him to even suggest such a thing is ridiculous.

Edited September 23, 2018 by BaileyB

[Kelliousme]

You are not being insecure.. lol I'd hate to date a guy like this. I hate men who don't follow up with what they say and then come up with like a thousand excuses. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Plus he lies. If he lies about his break and small stuffs like that.. imagine the bigger lies. Find another man

[Lotsgoingon]

You miss the point of Bailey's estimate that the guy is married.

 

The point isn't just literally that he is married ... but that ... his behavior totally aligns with the behavior of someone who is married. The second implication of her point is as alarming as the first.

 

You don't want to date anyone whose behavior is consistent with someone who is married. Example: maybe he's not married, but perhaps he has another gf. Or a woman he is regularly sleeping with ... or he's SO DISTANT he might as well be married--as far as you are concerned.

 

And strangely you confirm the rightness of Bailey's point:

 

he had a partner and he said they broke up 4 years ago because he cheated. When I asked him why he cheated he said things were not going well at home. I have been to his place. I didn't see anything unusual but again i cant be 100% sure with this guy

 

Now let's stop right here ... 1. Why are you at all interested in a guy who admits he cheated in a relationship?! ... 2. Why are you at all interested in a guy so shady that you don't even believe his lying-cheating story?!

 

Let's call out another blind spot here. There is NO SUCH THING as a "small lie" ... any more than there's such a thing as a small "gunshot wound."

 

There are white lies for sure ... "You look fine," you might say to a friend insecure about their appearance on the way to an interview. But small lies ... like that lunch break lie of his ... that's HUGE. That should have ended your interest right there.

 

If he can lie to you about a break, then he'll lie to you about anything.

[BaileyB]

Lotsgoingon said it so much better than me - everything about this guys behavior says that he is married and/or in a relationship with another woman.

 

There are women on this site who have been to "his" house only to learn later that he was otherwise engaged...

 

Just, be careful. And, really think about whether you want to be with a man who has cheated in the past and has lied to you. BIG RED FLAGS!

[Lotsgoingon]

To answer your question more directly.

 

Your concern about this guy is not based on your insecurities. What you're defining as "insecurities" are alarms going off.

 

And your concern about this guy isn't really intuition. Intuition occurs where the visible facts and evidence don't present a clear picture ... and yet we still have a strong feeling of what's going on.

 

Intuition would come into play if this guy told you he was faithful and kind to his ex and yet you sensed in your gut that this wasn't right. Or intuition would be if you didn't overhear him coming out the bathroom telling another colleague a different for his break ending than what he told you. That's intuition.

 

You have evidence ... clear evidence ... intuition doesn't even come into the picture here. Intuition is for tricky classes ... not for when there aren't blatant lies.

[smackie9]

My guess here is that you are hoping someone will say you should be OK with him. Well you have all the red flags in place and your gut is screaming at you but your loins are telling you "yes yes lets do this!" From an outsider's perspective, you better just run....fast because we can see through his BS.