to say the least

[stanchain]

Need advice and I’ll try and keep this short.

Dated three years ago. I emailed her to see how she was doing, she called me and apologized for how everything turned bad and took full responsibility.

 

Couple weeks later we go grab drinks, end up at my place. One things leads to another and then about 5 minutes into it she says we should stop. Ok fine.

 

Couple weeks later we end up at my place again a little too drunk, we argued at the bar... came back and passed out. After which I gave her a letter telling her I miss the sex and would like to see her freaky side come out.

 

Now tomorrow she is supposed to come over to watch movies and have some wine.

 

Now here is the question... do I need to make my intentions clear? Like just ask her if we can finish what we started the other night ( which I’ve mentioned a couple times the last month) or should I just assume she knows and wants to as well?

 

And if she doesn’t want to then WTF is the point of keep spending the night at my place?

[Lotsgoingon]

After which I gave her a letter telling her I miss the sex and would like to see her freaky side come out.

 

Hold on, I'm confused. You're thinking your note was unclear? I told her I miss the sex and would like to see her freaky side come out. In your view, that's unclear?

[stanchain]

No, what isn’t clear is her intentions.

 

We have spent the night together twice, first time we started and stopped. Then I talked to her about finishing what we started that night, she spent the night again but didn’t want to do anything. Now she is spending the night again tomorrow.... AFTER I gave her the letter.

 

I don’t understand why keep spending the night, why waste the time cause she doesn’t want a relationship.

 

So why spend all the time and such just to sit and watch tv with me? So should I ask if we are gonna finish? If so how ?

[damni]

You sound desperate and thats a massive turn off.

 

You are obviously only after sex, considering you have only met up with her twice and are already writing letters demanding sex lol.

 

I have never had sex with desperate guys, I had the whole begging and writing texts etc, it is so cringe and a turn off.

[stanchain]

Ya know that’s my fault for trying to make this short. Far from desperate. You needed more context. The letter was about our relationship and me taking responsibility for it not working out. She had called and apologized for the things she did that caused us to go our own ways.

 

The letter was explaining what I did wrong and taking responsibility, and in said letter that was like 6 pages. There was one paragraph in which I mentioned anything about sex. In fact is was sooo opposite than a desperate sex letter. It was explaining how I have a hard time dealing with emotions and because I cared for her at the time I was the one who began pushing her away.

 

Now my whole thing was we both agreed we don’t want to rekindle all the emotions and relationship stuff. Ok cool... so why in the world keep spending the night with me..... usually in my life when I woman has spent the night it is for specific reasons. But twice now those reasons didn’t pan out.

 

So the question is am I wrong to just ask her if tonight is going to be different or should I just assume it

[smackie9]

Tip: don't invite a woman to sleep in your bed with you if sex is not on the table or you will be her cuddle buddy and that's the kiss of death.

 

 

If you want a relationship or show your intentions for one, you take her out on real dates, not couch time and a movie.

[preraph]

Women mostly can't just have sex without having the emotions right. You and her agreed not to get back into a relationship or have emotions, and then you said, but we should have sex. I think she more meant just be friends and you mostly meant just have sex. She may well end up caving and having sex with you, but this arrangement isn't going to last because women like to have the emotions right to really enjoy sex all that much. They can imagine some of that, but once it's in their face that no, I really don't want a relationship, it's not going to fly. This is a silly expectation you have. It may work out once at a weak moment, but that's not a nice thing to do. You want a relationship with her or you don't.

[alphamale]

I don't understand WTF is going on here

[Lotsgoingon]

A six page letter to someone you want to have sex with ... doesn't make sense.'

 

A six page letter is for serious relationships ... A six age letter is about healing old pains ... reconciling ... taking responsibility ...

 

A six page letter cannot be about all the serious stuff of life ... and then end with a clause of "I'd like to have regular sex with you." Perhaps if you guys were swingers and something went wrong, this would make sense. Otherwise, no way.

 

You either attempt to reconcile or don't. Keep that "clean."

 

These days people would have trouble writing a two-page or three-page letter to people they are madly in love with.

 

On your question:

 

so why in the world keep spending the night with me..... usually in my life when I woman has spent the night it is for specific reasons. But twice now those reasons didn’t pan out.

 

There could be a million reasons she visits you late at night. Perhaps she wants to be open in the moment to have sex with you ... but in the moment she's not feeling it ... Could be she is on the rebound and is throwing herself in certain situations to distract from her pain ... (But then she gets close to having sex and she doesn't feel it.)

 

Might be that she simply wants to kiss, make out and hang out in that fun territory that does not include intercourse.

 

 

The truth is she has shown disinterest in having sex with you. That's the key finding here. In some ways it does not matter why. All that matters is that she has shown disinterest multiple times. That's the only piece of information you need.

 

Finally I'll say this: if you want to have sex with someone and you can't communicate to that person that you want to have sex with someone, then the energy for sex without commitment simply is not present.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, I think I figured out what you're really asking.

 

You seem to be looking for a way to say:

 

Hey, if you come over, I want to have sex. Please don't come over and agree to hang out late at night if you don't wanna have sex with me.

 

Or:

 

"Look, I invited you over thinking that we would have sex. Is there a problem. Everything seemed good. I thought my expectations were clear. Does something not feel comfortable to you ... that is getting in the way of you feeling ok with that?"

 

Obviously #2 is more sensitive ...

 

Is this more along the lines of what you're asking about?

 

Just know, even if the person agrees to have sex ahead of time, they still have the right to change their mind ... at any point ... without any reason ... So do you!

[PRW]

I don't understand WTF is going on here

When you figure it out, translate it for me.

 

It just sounded to me like he wants a human sex toy and she isn't sure she wants to be one. The rest is just "song & dance".

[stanchain]

You are actuallly spot on. I’m fine with NO sex as we started that night and stopped. My issue is that when intentions are made clear, and you agree and then act as if you had no idea that was on my mind it’s annoying. Oh sorry almost forgot.

 

She came to the room we had wine watched movie and she made it clear sex wasn’t part of the menu. So we cuddled and fell asleep.

 

I decided to just put it out there the following morning... I just asked are we gonna finiish what we started that night we were drinking. And she made it clear that she isn’t interested in that. We agreed to be friends and such just not to cross that line.

 

But of course she hit me up couple days back asking if I wanted her to come down and spend the night, said we could relax have a couple drinks and watch some movies....

 

Blah, I passed cause I don’t have the energy or time to constantly be teased.

[smackie9]

You are actuallly spot on. I’m fine with NO sex as we started that night and stopped. My issue is that when intentions are made clear, and you agree and then act as if you had no idea that was on my mind it’s annoying. Oh sorry almost forgot.

 

She came to the room we had wine watched movie and she made it clear sex wasn’t part of the menu. So we cuddled and fell asleep.

 

I decided to just put it out there the following morning... I just asked are we gonna finiish what we started that night we were drinking. And she made it clear that she isn’t interested in that. We agreed to be friends and such just not to cross that line.

 

But of course she hit me up couple days back asking if I wanted her to come down and spend the night, said we could relax have a couple drinks and watch some movies....

 

Blah, I passed cause I don’t have the energy or time to constantly be teased.

This woman needs to grow the f up. Sleep overs are for kids.

[stanchain]

So you understand my conundrum.

 

I mean we dated for like 6-7 months a couple years back so it isn’t like we have never crossed all the lines.

 

It’s flipping silly that you wanna hang out drink, have fun, AND spend the night with me when you already know what I asked you about. Smdh.

 

Look we all know I’m being played. For what I have zero clue cause we live in different cities and I don’t really spend money on her usually. Makes no damn sense