rcrljmg07 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 We were talking about politics and she just shuts down since she knows we don’t agree, this really bothers me. Not that I care if she was different views but the fact that she just absolutely goes cold and decides we aren’t talking about it even though she sees it important to me, like a wall she puts up. I just want to communicate with her even if we don’t get along It hasn’t happened with other things but I feel unheard and she gets very nasty about it. I feel we should be able to communicate at least civilly And I’m afraid this could mean something towards other things in the future Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 It could be that whatever it is you believe doesn't fit with her world view and yes, this can bleed over into other areas, so be sure before you let your heart off its leash that you know you can be down with this in other areas because being with her means that. You're informed on this going in---you can't say "I didn't know..." 6 months from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 I would at this point try to sort out what other things she absolutely refuses to talk about. I personally tried to bring up a prenup to my ex and she viewed it as the most insulting thing I ever said. Try to confront her directly about why there are certain things she refuses to talk about. If there are more things she refuses to budge on that compromise your core values then leave this relationship before you get too committed. I agree that two adults should be mature enough to agree to disagree and be civil about it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Conventional wisdom says never talk about politics & religion or anything controversial for that matter. As a result most people can't have a civil discourse about subjects where there is disagreement. People no longer know how to disagree without become antagonistic. Now we have this polarized world. If you enjoy discussing politics & current events realize you probably can't talk about them with her. If that is a deal breaker for you, act accordingly. Otherwise, stop pushing topics she can't handle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 9, 2018 Share Posted September 9, 2018 Actually, she's smart. Politics are too polarized to talk about with your friends right now without making people mad. I have had to just cut out that part of one of my old friendships and was relieved it worked (we deleted each other off Twitter) and now we're back to talking about shoes and Robert Plant. Yay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 My guess is that she can tolerate your views if they remain unsaid. But talking about them makes her mad and she's choosing to not enter a discussion which will have no good outcome. Why do you need to talk about your views with her when you know she disagrees with them? Perhaps it's better to find a social media echo chamber to meet your needs to discuss the topics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 You enjoy a heated debate. But to her it is fighting. She does not want this conflict, while you seem to believe it is necessary. Do you expect you can change her views? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 (edited) You enjoy a heated debate. But to her it is fighting. She does not want this conflict, while you seem to believe it is necessary. Do you expect you can change her views? This is on the money. I dislike heated debates and my ex loved it. He stated it was a core reason we couldn't communicate. If u push it she will resent u for it eventually and if she keeps dodging u will get frustrated intellectually. It was a down fall in my relationship. If u can get this need for debate satisfied elsewhere (friends or online) then u too are golden, but if this is something you need in a partner (like my ex said he needed) it won't end well. Ps. I'm not saying she isnt capable of debate but just that it's not something she is interested in or like me, makes her uncomfortable. Edited September 10, 2018 by HiCrunchy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 We were talking about politics and she just shuts down since she knows we don’t agree, this really bothers me. Not that I care if she was different views but the fact that she just absolutely goes cold and decides we aren’t talking about it even though she sees it important to me, like a wall she puts up. I just want to communicate with her even if we don’t get along It hasn’t happened with other things but I feel unheard and she gets very nasty about it. I feel we should be able to communicate at least civilly And I’m afraid this could mean something towards other things in the future You want to debate and be the leader of the conversation! You will never get that with any woman. Just not going to happen. Talk that with your friends instead. Leave her out of it. What do you want a woman for love or a woman you want to run a debate with and you want to be heard! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 The thing that would concern me is not that she will not engage in political discussion with you... Rather, she refuses to engage in any discussion in which you disagree, but chooses not to hear your opinion, validate your feelings, doesn't know how to fight fairly, and can't come to some kind of mutually agreed upon compromise. It's her way, or she shuts down... That is not very conducive to a healthy, happy long term relationship or marriage. You should be able to at least agree, to disagree... Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted September 10, 2018 Share Posted September 10, 2018 The thing that would concern me is not that she will not engage in political discussion with you... Rather, she refuses to engage in any discussion in which you disagree, .... The OP said it hasn't happened with other things. So there's hope yet! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Actually, she's smart. Politics are too polarized to talk about with your friends right now without making people mad. I have had to just cut out that part of one of my old friendships and was relieved it worked (we deleted each other off Twitter) and now we're back to talking about shoes and Robert Plant. Yay. This^. I would also guess that maybe she had a very bad experience with someone who chewed her out over something she did/said. We live in such a crazy world right now, people are so ignorant it's always me me me and never considering other things. I don't think it matters which end of the spectrum you are or are not on, people will HATE you for what you say in this area. I would suggest not talking about those things with her (or anyone else), if you want to be in a good place relationshipwise whether it's on social media or talking face to face. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 The OP said it hasn't happened with other things. So there's hope yet! Lol. I missed one word and look what happens... thank you for the ever so kind correction. OP, if this happens ONLY with politics, I wouldn’t worry. Sure, you may like a healthy discussion of the issues, but she obviously does not. Two things never to discuss when dating - religion and politics. My boyfriend and I have been dating two and a half years now. We don’t discuss politics. When he starts to share his opinions... I nod and smile. We agree to disagree... and I love him anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 If your lady doesn't wanna discuss politics that's not terrible. If you truly need to get your fix, get your politics fix with the blokes over some beverages. If she constantly refuses to discuss controversial topics that's a red flag. If this is the only thing you feel is lacking in your relationship that's pretty bloody good! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 I feel you have to decide how important is it to you that you discuss politics with her....she isnt willing to compromise....are you willing? sacrifice your feelings on this matter? its a shame you cant talk politics with your partner.....but....every woman probably has something they don't want to go into depths with for certain reasons.....i know i do ...i would hope any partner i had would respect my boundaries.....as i would respect theirs....healthy relationships have boundaries and can communicate those boundaries and wholly respect them...understanding no go zones occur........maybe this is hers to you.... and boundaries in my mind ought to be respected and understood....if you truly love the person....you want to respect every aspect of who they are and how they feel and think and for sure respect, what they decide not to talk about as much as what they do wish to talk about.....but that's my opinion.....and i respect those who disagree with my views.... including you....:0)....cheers and best of luck to you.....deb..... Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Is it disagreements over politics or disagreements in general? If she shuts down when you two disagree on other issues it could be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 We were talking about politics and she just shuts down since she knows we don’t agree, this really bothers me. What is the point to keep on debating if you don't have the same opinion? I think you keep at it in the hope you'll have her change her mind. She is smart to shut down instead of letting it turn into a fight. Not that I care if she was different views but the fact that she just absolutely goes cold and decides we aren’t talking about it even though she sees it important to me, like a wall she puts up. YES you do care that she has different views because you keep on wanting to debate over your views. If you didn't care you wouldn't insist she hears you out. It's not because it's important to you that you have to shove it down her throat. Join a political group and debate with them. My BF is pro death penalty, I am not, I will NOT listen to him all night long because it's important to him. What about what's important to your GF?? It's important to her to have an evening filled with peace and not debate your political views. You want to step all over what's important to HER (keep the peace) with what's important to you? I just want to communicate with her even if we don’t get along Ask yourself why? She knows your view, she doesn't agree with them, she wants to talk about something else. WHY do you need to keep on communicating the same thing over and over if it's not because you hope to change her mind? I feel we should be able to communicate at least civilly It doesn't work that way. We all have a breaking point and she pointed hers, respect it. Link to post Share on other sites
BMI03 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 We were talking about politics and she just shuts down since she knows we don’t agree, this really bothers me. Not that I care if she was different views but the fact that she just absolutely goes cold and decides we aren’t talking about it even though she sees it important to me, like a wall she puts up. I just want to communicate with her even if we don’t get along It hasn’t happened with other things but I feel unheard and she gets very nasty about it. I feel we should be able to communicate at least civilly And I’m afraid this could mean something towards other things in the future Others have stated it, but I will expand a bit in what I think you need to consider here. How do you 'discuss' politics? The reason people will commonly tell you that it's a topic to avoid, is because, like religion, when people talk about their views, they do not leave a lot of room for other interpretations. They are hard in their view of what is right and good. 'This' is correct, a 'That' is wrong because of X. And often it is expressed in such a way as to imply 'if you think otherwise, then you are dumb, immoral, unpatriotic, etc. etc...fill in with your insult of choice'. Many people avoid such conversations because they don't want to be put on the spot to defend their views, don't want to feel dumb or insulted, and don't want to build resentment for the other person debating the topic. So what can you do? Ask her if you can listen to her talk about what's important to her in politics. Let her talk; only her. Don't challenge her opinions. Don't debate and try to show her why her opinions are incorrect. Just let her talk, even if you disagree. Then let her finish and tell her you enjoyed hearing her perspective on things. You may have to do this several times, completely one-sided, to allow her to start feeling like a political conversation with you is a safe place. Once you feel that she is starting to come out of her shell a bit, ask her if she would allow you to express some of your thoughts and concerns in politics. Then share. Don't talk in absolutes. Don't close off points in a manner where you leave little room for disagreement. It's not a debate with the goal to win...so just share your thinking process that led you to the beliefs you have. If she has questions or counter points (she's allowed when your turn), accept them, and explore them, again, not in absolutes. Sounds like you need to ease into this. It's easy for this topic to be difficult for many, so I wouldn't take it as an early indicator that you are going to have difficulty talking about other less polarizing items in the future. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts