Everything perfect for several months, and sudden change.

[ferfeb]

Going to try to make this as detailed as possible. So, I’m sort of recently separated, was in a relationship for 9 years, two girls. I moved to an apt I rent for mi mother. I suddenly met this girl as a Tinder date, and from the first swipe we started chatting relentlessly and have absolutely everything in common. She is also separated, has a boy, and had a terribly abusive relationship for 12 years (got pregnant at 18). Controlling behavior, gasligthing, raping, cutting her hair, not allowing her to do anything, control of all her accounts, you name it. She got away, and is also currently living with her mom. The guy has a restraining order, and he still calls, tries to IM trough her son, etc, but she completely ignores and abhors him.

 

This girl is depressive and insecure, and I’ve done my best to be everything she wants and needs. She had many walls but has been lowering her shields ever day more and faster. We have chatted, talked and shared things non stop since the first day, sex is amazing, we share the same likes, love the same things. Weve gone out a lot, and every time her son went to visit her dad she staid over. She told me constantly that she loved me and missed whenever we were not together, and did literally magic with the timetable to find places in her schedule to be with me. Whenever she had a very depressive day, I’d go to where she was and shed hug me for hours. She is always looking for sex, cuddling, talks, hugs, which I really love too. Told me that she wants to be with me always, that she absolutely is sure she wants to be with me forever, etc. She wants to go abroad for her doctorate in a year and she told me she wants me to go with her, which I said yes to. She would share things with me her ex would not ever allow her to even speak. Everything more than perfect. This girl is not just pretty and smart, but has an a very strong stance on being correct, communicative and doing the right thing

Thing is, she won the chance to expose in a conference in Europe, and besides the 4 days it would take, her dad paid her a three week vacation around europe. I was very happy for her and told her to take this chance to travel, be by herself for the first time ever, have fun, enjoy, etc. She travelled, and we would still be speaking non stop, she told me that she loved her and missed me everyday, she even joked me about the guys that hit on her and she will tell to she has a boyfriend. So, Sunday she would rerepeatedly tell me she loved me very very much, talk about how horny she was for me, etc. She kinda went dark for a day, and I worried, and told her that. She told me she hat data issues and would chat back at the hotel. She went dark for another day. And maybe I got kinda Worried and sent her an email her a true story about why I worried, a guy I knew whose girlfriend when on vacation, went dark for a few days and eventually found out that had died on a traffic accident. So, after showing maybe a bit too much worry and affection, she became distant and cold. She stopped saying I love you and I miss you back. She told me she was stressed and to please chill down. Today she was a bit more communicative, and shed share with me where she was, send pics of her room, joke a bit… but a bit cold nonetheless. After we talked on the phone, she told me she was a bit broke, and he cannot buy more data on her phone, so shed be a bit offline. She also told me she has been thinking a lot about her, wants she wants from her life, she needs introspection and time to think, and that we would talk when she gets back. Still won’t respond to I love you and I miss you from me.

 

This is killing me. She arrives in 10 days and I cannot even think with worry. I love her, very, very much, I want to think its just depression at being alone for so many days, or maybe a bit upset for me being a bit overworried and clingy. I send her a playlist ( like we agreed ) daily, but today Ill tell her that I understand she needs time to think, so I won’t communicate through the day because I respect her time and need to think, but that I love her and miss her deeply and I’ll be here if she needs to talk. Will still send the playlists ( she asked for something happy ) She still wants me to pick her up at the airport though. What changed? What made her go from super lovey to distant in two days? Why won’t she respond that anymore? Is it me just being silly? I’m open to advice and will answer any questions.

[Thingsfallapart]

She has met someone and is having a holiday romance?

[Chloefrost]

The first thing I thought was, okay, maybe she met someone, had a one night stand, and the distant replies are her guilt talking.

 

But then again, to give her the benefit of the doubt, well maybe she has had time and space from you, who has been there to constantly distract her from her past and her troubles (I'm assuming here). On a solo trip, one often tends to think a bit more about their lives, cos there are more quiet moments and more space to start doing some soul-searching, eat-pray-love stuff. I've often been able to reframe many things in my life after weeks apart from everyone I know, on solo trips. Perhaps she's just thinking about her past, her life currently, and need some time to figure things out?

[Redhead14]

1) Why won’t she respond that anymore?

 

she told me she was a bit broke, and he cannot buy more data on her phone, so shed be a bit offline.

 

2) She told me she was stressed and to please chill down. - So do that. The more you pull on her, the more she will pull away. Traveling can be stressful and tiring even if you're having fun.

 

3) Stop being in her head. You don't know exactly what's going on so go by what you do know for now - See #1 and #2. She may simply be conserving data and stressed to boot.

 

Let her reach out to you again to confirm airport arrangements and then go from there. It will be what it will be. Deal with things as they happen. You're spending a lot of time worrying now and may find that there was nothing really to worry about. When she visits you can have a deeper conversation if it appears that that is necessary.

 

This is killing me. She arrives in 10 days and I cannot even think with worry. -- And, I'll say this, I can almost guarantee that if you continue to do all these mental and emotional gymnastics until she gets back, she's going to come home to a man who is probably even more stressed out than she is and will likely create more problems if there are any to start with.

 

Stop being in her head and give your's a break.

Edited September 6, 2018 by Redhead14

[ferfeb]

So, quick update, yesterday after sending the playlist I sent the following message:

 

"You told me yourself you need time to yourself, to think, to know what you want and instrospection. And because I respect you, and your needs, and love you deeply, I will give you that and try to communicate little these days. I will be here, however, if you need to talk, or want to chat me up about your day. As I told you, Im here for you, whenever you need. Ill keep on sending the playlist, unless you need a real rest from that too.

 

Miss you a lot. And have fun!"

 

Well.. she took less than half a day to send some pics of her travel, and after I took a while to respond, she asked if I was busy and sent a sad face... I guess that is a good sign. We talked a lot after that...So I guess yes, there are things to talk, but apparently everything is ok. Once she comes back Ill try to talk about what happened with her in Europe, but in a pillow talk, chilled, mellow way.

[smackie9]

To love someone is to not be in it for your own selfish reasons....make that sacrifice.

[Mrin]

Okay a few thoughts in random order:

 

1. What Redhead said: Chill the F out. It sounds like you may have chilled but you need to stay chill.

 

2. Women don't change their communication/intimacy with their partner unless something unexpected and big happens. They can weather the emotional storm of normal ups and downs far better than us men. Just look at you for instance: a decrease in communication from her sent you into a tailspin and you started acting all needy. Women are far more adroit and navigating these emotional waters. So something BIG happened to her. Doesn't mean she slept with someone (though - see below) but it does probably mean that there was some large emotional upheaval in her life and she's working through it. There are lots of explanations for this so don't let your mind get too out of control. Just be steady Eddie for her.

 

3. You both are rebounding. Seriously, you know that, right? You're both separated and it sounds like she came from a horrible marriage. This means she has a lot of processing left to do. You do too. And you're trying to do that together in a committed rebound relationship. You need to be prepared for all sorts of highs and lows as you both work through your stuff. Goes the with the territory, man...

 

4. Okay, I'm going to be frank here. Typically, when a person leaves a marriage - especially an unhappy marriage - he/she goes through a wild stage. The best way I can describe it is imagine being locked in a room for 9 years and being fed oatmeal every day. All of a sudden you're let out of the room and walk into a Whole Foods buffet. What are you going to do? Select an entree and just eat a reasonable portion or are you going to cry "FREEDOM!" and run up and down the aisles dipping your fork or spoon into all the new and previously forbidden dishes until you have a stomach ache? You're lying if you say the former. We all go through this in some fashion. It is normal and natural.

 

Because you guys went straight into a rebound relationship neither of you have had a chance to work through this wild stage. And because of that you need to be prepared and understanding of it. She might have let herself be swept off of her feet and seduced by a sexy Italian guy. Or a pretty French lady. Or she might have just had a platonic night flirting with other men playing "dress up" as she tried them on in her head. Honestly, it is better she does this thousands of miles away on a three week vacation than 6 months from now with one of her co-workers.

 

My point is you need to be prepared for it. To understand it. You don't have to forgive it or tolerate it, but you shouldn't begrudge her for those feelings. Neither of you are "relationship ready" in the conventional sense. And you shouldn't hold you (or her) up to the expectations of a marriage or even someone who is relationship ready.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

Edited September 6, 2018 by Mrin