and overthinking about guy

[amkxoxo]

I am driving myself crazy over this guy. Connected with this guy online two weeks ago on Bumble. We realized we went to the same college, but just had never met. We chatted, texting for days and really hit it off talking. He seemed really into getting to know me, which was refreshing. He likes to travel so we talk a lot about that.

 

He then exclaims he is going to come and find me on campus some day so we can meet. He finds me on Monday and takes me to lunch. We have a fantastic time talking. He talks a real lot. He insists on paying, opens every door for me. He was really cute and seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.

 

He drops me back off and I cannot tell how he feels about me and not sure if we will see each other again. He continues to text me, so I assume all is well. He then insists the next day that I come and find him on campus. So I do and he seems so happy to see me and doesn’t want me to ever leave. We have a great time talking and hanging out.

 

He texts me after saying how beautiful I looked and all this really nice stuff. He starts saying how we should go away for a weekend, a short 3 hour road trip to this place we both love, and he lived there for a few years. It sounded amazing and exciting, but I also thought it was weird after meeting twice. He is huge into traveling, saying he takes off with friends all the time, so this didn't seem weird to him to do this.

 

He acted like it was totally normal. I tell him I would like to wait and see a bit longer if we hangout more.

 

He then sends me weird messages joking about my work schedule being tight and us going on this trip “Don’t they know I just want to go on this trip with my friend?”

 

I wasn’t expecting girlfriend of anything fo the sort, but "friend" really stuck out to me. He could sense my hesitation about the trip so he then said s “Be my friend? ”

 

I was like whattt? A friend? This guy was confusing me so much. I don’t go away for a weekend with my guy friends. They don’t buy me lunch. He had been sending me kissy faces and all this other stuff like a guy trying to win over a girl.

 

I then was blunt and asked, “What kind of friend are you looking for?”

 

He then got the hint that I was not clear and thought he wanted a friend with benefits, so he quickly says “A friend to travel with and maybe grow into more in the future depending on how things keep going.”

 

He then follows up saying how he hopes he didn’t give me the wrong impression and he was not just looking for that (a hookup he alludes to) and that he does want something serious and he hopes that he did not give me that impression with anything he said to me.

 

I found this genuine and nice. We kept texting and everything seemed good.

 

He insisted on wanting to cook me dinner, so we make plans for Friday night for him to come over. He brings everything and practically kicks me out of my kitchen not letting me lift a finger. It was very nice.

 

He said he wanted to prove to me that he wasn’t a weird guy and become more comfortable with him as a nice guy so we could go away on the fun trip that he mentioned before.

 

We talked and laughed. I made us fancy drinks and we were really hitting it off. We eat and are hanging out watching some tv. He grabs my feet and massages them. It was very sweet. He politely asks me if he can kiss me. He is very sweet and nice about it. Doesn’t full out make out with me, but lightly pecks me a few times. He continuously is kissing my head and rubbing my hair. He gives me nice compliments how my hair is soft etc…

 

He tells me he likes me and thinks I’m pretty many times. Everything seems to just flow and its really comfortable with him.

 

He had let me know that his roommate and himself were leaving really early in the morning, like 4am, to go to this sporting event the next day so he couldn’t stay too late.

 

He had been talking about this event for days and was so excited.

 

As the night went on though, he started slowly pro-longing his plans. He seemed to be having such a good time with me that he wanted to stay with me. He then said how maybe he can stay a bit later, and have his roommate do the driving.

 

We decide to go outside and take a night walk near a lake. Its pretty late now. He mentioned something about possibly crashing on my couch since we had drank a bit. I never offered him to stay and I never ever implied he stay in my room or bed. Its so nice and peaceful outside so I brush it off. We kiss and hold hands and cuddle up a bit. Its so easy with him. He then asks me again to go away with him next weekend. He says he wants to go and have fun and show me around this city that he lived in for a while. He says I can sleep in the bed and he can take the couch or we can get separate beds, whatever I would want is okay with him.

 

I tell him I will think about it. We chat about some things and are continually hitting it off. We have similar political views and it was refreshing. He said he was so happy and liked me more and more and more. He said he felt like he could breath and be himself. I felt the same. He said I was already so much better than his ex-girlfriend.

 

We head back and it is now 2am. He declares that he isn’t going to the game the next day. That it was going to rain anyway and how I was way more important to spend time with than some game he can see again sometime. I was shocked. He really wanted to go and now changed his plans to spend time with me. No one ever does that for me. I usually am the one re-arranging my plans and desires for men.

 

He says he is going to crash on my couch if it is okay with me. I didn’t really invite him to stay. He sort of invited himself, but he insisted on staying on the couch. He didn’t ask for my bed or anything. I said okay.

 

So we kiss goodnight. He tells me to get all ready for bed, go in my room, get all settled in bed, and yell to him so he knows, so he can come and give me a kiss goodnight. It was by far the most adorable thing ever.

 

We sleep separately. I wake before him and go about my morning. He wakes and we chat a bit. We cuddle and kiss and fall asleep together cuddled for a short bit. He says how he doesn’t feel well at all. Head is pounding. We didn’t drink a lot either at all.

 

I give him some tylenol and he keeps apologizing for being a bum at my house. He says how I should go about my day and he needs to sleep a bit more to try and feel better if I don’t mind. So I shower and eat and go about my morning even more. He wakes again a while later. We cuddle up and watch tv all day long until 4pm, when I told him I had plans ay 5 with some friends. We don’t talk as much while we watch tv. We cuddle on and off. He would rub my feet or knee, and then would be less interested and we would just sort of sit watching something. He thanks me and thanks me for taking care of him, since he felt so ill.

 

We hug and he tells me to let him know how my night with friends goes. When he left I really couldn’t read him very well at all. Did something happen? Was he into me still?

 

I am starting to like the guy. We mesh so well so far and we really hit it off. The going on trips is odd. But now that we have talked and I have gotten to know him, I am seeing he just really loves travel, wants someone to travel with and enjoy life with and that he sees us doing a weekend a few hours away as something really fun to do. Some people enjoy movies, he enjoys exploring and travel as something really fun to him. I am considering going away with him. I know the area we are going to, so I am not going somewhere new where he has the upper hand. I feel like it sounds so fun and spontaneous and exciting and I figure why not? My family doesn’t live too far from there so I could always call them to help me if need be.

 

I text him that night telling him how my time with my friends went. He seems still into me texting. We were even flirting a bit talking about cuddling and such. When he was at my house he took my phone and had me follow him on Instagram. He never followed me back though which I thought was weird. He went and found me on snapchat and has been sending me things daily and I him. Sunday he is snapping me and we chat a bit not there. Things seem good, but neutral. Like no effort or passion. I keep overanalyzing whether its me or him. I keep thinking that maybe I am not interesting, but then I think that he also has to put in effort to bring up interesting things too. I was more surprised that he told me he was doing absolutely nothing Sunday and I told him I wasn’t either, and he didn’t want to see me again. My friends said to give it a break and to let him have a day to himself. I shrugged it off.

 

I was trying extra hard. At 5pm, I never heard back from him again. This morning, Monday, he immediately send me a nice well wishes for my day at work. I start trying to flirt with him cutely and he responds sounding interested. We talked about hanging out again and maybe I could cook next time. He said he’d like that. I then said how I wouldn’t mind extra foot rubs for my cooking efforts and he said “no no, I love rubbing your feet, your head, your shoulders, and all thats in between”

 

Found this answer to be positive. But we have no plans. I keep over thinking things, and I don’t know why we have no further plans. He knows I am off all day tomorrow and he is too. No plans. Its now Monday night and he isn't talking to me and I just feel like something isn't right, whether he isn't interested, or is super busy. I just have this bad feeling. He seemed very attentive last week. We were texting from morning until night and he seemed to be trying really hard, and wanting to talk to me. Now he snapchats me throughout the day, and I him, and sometimes he answers and sometimes I do. We chat a little, but he keeps dropping off. We also have no plans. Which makes me think something is wrong.

 

I would have thought we would have to talk about going away for the weekend if we were going to go, and that requires plans. He likes spontaneous trips, but you have to at least set a time to meet, and make a base plan.

 

All my friend think I am crazy and think that it sounds like he likes me and things are fine. But I keep feeling like something is not right. Why don’t we have plans ? Why don’t we text like we used to all the time, and he snaps me occasionally now and chats with me on there randomly. He said he likes when I snap him so he can see me and what I’m doing. I get it. I think I am over thinking things and slowly starting to chase him and overthink myself to where I am not my fun teasing self, but a more laid back version of myself. I hate myself this way. I want to be fun loving and cute, but I keep over thinking this and don’t know how to stop.

 

Hoping for some insight!

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Um first off wow, I'm jealous! This is cute that he does these things for you.

I think perhaps you are getting infatuated to the point where you want to be around him a lot. Which is understandable because you like him.

 

You guys don't have plans yet because you haven't made them. I know you want him to but if you want to see him be bold and say "Hey want to come over on Tuesday at 6pm and cook? Would love to see you!"

 

I think you have a good thing going. He is interested. Just don't overthink too much! You got this! Be assertive and invite him over

[MountainGirl111]

I think he's smitten by you and you are smitten by him and you're very excited which is why you are overthinking...it's the excitement. Now then...these early stages of romance can be wonderful, but at the same time nerve wracking...just tell yourself to calm down...it's going to be okay...take a deep breath and keep your head on straight; at least try...to keep your head on straight.

[amkxoxo]

thank you for the response. I am overthinking big time.

 

I am smitten and he seemed to be too. My friends think I am crazy and that he clearly liked me a lot.

 

My thing is, why less communicating and why isn't he making follow up plans with me to see me again?

 

Is he figuring that we will just see each other all next weekend if we go away and waiting it out until then?

[MountainGirl111]

Maybe he's overthinking this as much as you are...and is not quite sure how to proceed. Maybe he's a little nervous. Maybe you left his head spinning, my dear!

 

So, you're both off tomorrow....so that would be a good time to get in touch! I would just invite him over for dinner. He cooked for you, now you can cook for him?

[MountainGirl111]

I know, I know! You can call him up and tell him you'd like to massage his feet. He did such a wonderful job massaging yours so it's only fair that you massage his..........what do ya think? Think he'll go for it. I don't know too many people who turn down foot massages. Put on your sexiest come hither voice and tell him you've got some wonderful foot rub cream that will put him in a TRANCE!!

[Lotsgoingon]

First of all ... you're doing nothing ... and you're not "over-analyzing."

 

You have to analyze in a relationship. You have to figure out so many different things as you meet someone new ... You have to figure out what he's like, whether to trust him, how far to trust him, if he's safe ... and if you like him and how much you like him ... and you have to do that based on people's behavior and their words ... There's no avoid a lot of analyzing.

 

The problem here as i see it is that there is one character in this drama who is taking action and making things happen. Him! Where are you? You are also a key character here ... but you're just going along.

 

Look, this guy CLEARLY does not know what he's going ... and I don't mean that in a harsh way ... I mean that he's young and still maturing ... and still developing his social skills beyond the GRAND GESTURE (like the trip idea and cooking for you.) So if you don't step in and add some brainpower and maturity, and direct things and make clear your expectations, you guys are going nowhere--and nowhere fast.

 

Speak! Open your mouth. Tell him what you want. For example: he takes your phone and has YOU follow him. Kinda weird ... cute but a bit weird to take your phone (I know you're young) ... But then he doesn't follow you ... Well, time to open your mouth and say, "Dude, you have me following you. Why aren't you following me?" Nothing needy by doing that. And it's an obvious question.

 

And Lord knows, this brother needs that question! Because he sure doesn't know what he's doing as far as establishing a relationship and building trust. Again, I don't mean that harshly ... I mean he's cute but he's all over the place.

 

Step in and start co-directing the relationship. He disappears. Next time you see him, bring up his disappearing and going silent. It's OK not to be on social media all the time ... but ... when he goes silent, he ought to reassure you that he's going silent for a reason. Make clear in a confident way, that if he wants a relationship with you, you want some consistency. This will probably come as a revelation to this guy.

 

Confession: I was like this guy years ago... and if a woman I was dating didn't step in show some leadership, I would have been lost and we as a couple would have been lost.

 

So instead of accusing yourself of "over-analyzing" (I think your friends are wrong and this guy would drive them half-way up the wall as well) ... when you feel yourself "analyzing" a lot, that's a cue, a signal to yourself, to take action.

 

Right now, your mind is too much on whether he is rejecting you or not. OK, understandable ... but pay attention to him! .. .Notice. Observe! This guy would be wild and all over the place with anyone! That's how he is right now.

 

This guy has no idea what he's doing when it comes to starting a relationship. You are far more clued in. So start acting like a real partner here--and stop just following his chaotic lead.

 

Because sister, if you follow this guy without asking questions, there is no telling where you guys will end up ...

[grays]

Ask him to come over tomorrow.

[amkxoxo]

I'm too afraid. Every other person I know is telling me to cool it and just give him space and let it breathe a bit. That I don't want to come across as needy or too invested since its so early on.

 

I'm just really confused as to why we don't have any plans, and he isn't communicating as much. Like I know that is just alone today at home. As am I.

 

But he isn't texting or anything. I know he most likely will in a bit. He always does by like 12 noon or so and its really early now. But still. Seems distant to me.

 

My friends keep saying not to chase and let the guy lead. That if he liked me he would put in the effort, make the calls or texts and make it happen.

 

He was making it happen last week, but not now.

[coolheadal]

I'm too afraid. Every other person I know is telling me to cool it and just give him space and let it breathe a bit. That I don't want to come across as needy or too invested since its so early on.

 

I'm just really confused as to why we don't have any plans, and he isn't communicating as much. Like I know that is just alone today at home. As am I.

 

But he isn't texting or anything. I know he most likely will in a bit. He always does by like 12 noon or so and its really early now. But still. Seems distant to me.

 

My friends keep saying not to chase and let the guy lead. That if he liked me he would put in the effort, make the calls or texts and make it happen.

 

He was making it happen last week, but not now.

 

He's just looking for you as a friend to hangout and bring with him when he travels a sort of companion. You want a boy friend not a friend only. Remember what do you get out of all of this? Nothing but free travel to places. Is he paying you to go out with him? How are you suppose to take care of your needs. He's paying for you so be careful with this guy you really don't know him and you shouldn't be traveling with someone you don't know anything about. You should have him check out first before you start flying the skies.

 

If I was you pass and move on. Even if he thinks you would do what he said you know better. Right now your only some sort of buddy for him to bring along on his trips. Nothing else is going to happen with him. Maybe down the road. Can you live on a maybe?

[amkxoxo]

I don't know what he is looking for. But a guy just looking for a friend wouldn't think would cook dinner, kiss me, cuddle up, tell me he likes me, and how pretty I am etc...

[Gaeta]

I have a lot of mixed feelings about your story. He met you twice on campus within 48 hours and he wants to take you away on a trip? Then you spend like 12-14 hours together and he invites himself to your couch + wants to stay at your place once you're gone to work? Isn't he just a stranger still? I find him speeding up this whole dating process a little too much. He knows 1-2-3 dates quickly in the same week pretty much guarantee sex on the 4th meet. I would be very suspicious of this guy and I would NOT go away with him. You only had ONE proper date. If you burn the candle by both ends this won't last.

 

In the past your anxiety was caused by your main mistake, you were sitting on your hands and let the man do all the initiating and inviting. You need to grow out of that. You are an adult woman now, you are more than capable to pick the phone and make your own invitation.

 

Keep your feet on the ground and 1 eye on him.

 

 

 

 

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Edited August 14, 2018 by Gaeta

[kendahke]

I don't know what he is looking for. But a guy just looking for a friend wouldn't think would cook dinner, kiss me, cuddle up, tell me he likes me, and how pretty I am etc...

 

Considering how you reacted when he called you "friend", he was probably avoiding using any deeper term of endearment out of fear for how you in fact did act when he said "friend". I mean, what other word could he have used that wouldn't have gotten your hackles up? Person? Woman? Those seem way more indifferent and impersonal than "friend".

 

Stop over thinking and just relax into it.