ktmiller222 Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I've been seeing a guy for the last four months. He does have some depression so sometimes he is a little down but I totally support him. Things have been great but these last two weeks, he has been off. He took me to a resort overnight and we basically spent the whole time in the room while he was on his phone and we watched a movie. He spent a lot of the time in the bathroom so I wasn't sure if he was sick or not. He said he was okay. We had sex once there. A few days later, I asked him to hang out. He agreed and we spent the whole day today together. It was near his place but he did not invite me in for the night (he usually does). He asked me if everything was okay because he said I seemed a little off. He has texted me every single day since about how my day was going and what has been going on with him. The last two nights I said him a random text about something and he did not respond (although he texted me at the beginning of the days). He still calls me babe but he has not asked me out (it's been 8 days since I saw him). We usually see each other 1-2 days a week. I'm not trying to sound clingy but it's just been totally different. My gut tells me he might be focused on someone else which is fine because we are not exclusive but it just hurts. His bday is next week and I spent 300 on his gift but now I feel like an idiot for doing that if he is slowly ghosting me. It's been 24 hrs since I heard from him. I don't want to text again and seem crazy. Should I wait it out? Should I wait to see if he texts me and say something about if he isn't interested that he shouldn't text me? Sorry. I haven't been dating a whole lot these last few years so I don't know what to do. The last guy I dated ended around this time (4 month mark) because I found out he was leading me on. I just really like this current guy and I am afraid I am being lead on again. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 I don't know what to do Go get your $300 back and get him a card. That's too much investment in someone who isn't focused on you. Unfortunately, you're right at the point in new relationships where the "on their best behavior" representatives are dismissed and the "real you/real him" come to the fore. It's when weak foundation relationships start to fail. This is the real him. Can you keep going on indefinitely with exactly what you have right now? That's the question you need to answer for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Why in the world would you spend $300 on someone you've dated only 4 months and on top of that you're not exclusive with?? Return the gift ! Get him a card and a cake, top! Spending all his time on the phone and in the bathroom sounds more like a man playing more than 1 woman at the time than depression. After 4 months dating you should be exclusive and spend more time together than just 1-2 times a week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Has there been any talk about taking the next step as a couple? After 4 months, I would think it's time to have chatted about where you'd both like this to go. He could indeed be pulling away, but whether that's because of another woman or because of his depressive issues is hard to say. It certainly doesn't sound too good right now. I would return at least some of those gifts, as I think you have spent far too much. A small gift and a card would be fine at just 4 moths, but something tells me even that might be overdoing it at this point. If you don't see any changes by next week, you need to talk to him and tell him you've noticed he seems preoccupied. Let him fill in the blanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 20, 2018 Share Posted July 20, 2018 Well he is acting weird. And you want to retrain yourself: ... when someone acts weird on you, don't try to buy them out with a gift ... no you want to do the opposite: pull back. Return the gift. It will only be wasted. I've dated people for much longer than you have dated this guy ... with much deeper commitment and not spent $300 on a gift for them (nor them for me). Why would you even THINK about giving a gift like that? So time to throw out a piece of relationship trash: giving gifts does not get people to like us more. One more time, giving someone a gift does not get them to like us more. Ironically what giving such a big (really ridiculous) gift does ... is get YOU to care more about him. Which is destructive because he's being all flakey and distant and incommunicative. Drop this guy ... Pull back. Return the gift. Take him to a diner if you want to stay in contact. Let the diner be the gift. But really, leave him alone. In fact, to be brutally honest with you: I think he's on the verge of dumping you. He just hasn't gotten the full courage yet to do so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 First of all, return the gift and get your money back. Second, he's acting strange. ASK HIM WHY. If he won't tell you or gives some idiotic or vague reason, then that's that. What I think he's doing is telling you indirectly that he's not interested and he's too much of a wimp to tell you that he doesn't want to see you again so he is trying to get YOU to dump him so he won't look like the bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 I wouldn’t say he’s necessarily seeing someone else but I do think that something has changed and he’s looking to end things with you. $300 gift is way too much. Return it and buy yourself a membership to a really good dating site. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Given the fact that I have dealt with clinical depression and anxiety my whole life, I am going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Every behavior that you described is something that I have displayed with a SO in the past when I've been going through a depressive bout. I was in a serious LDR for awhile and my SO at the time came out to spend a three day weekend with me. Unfortunately, I had just come out of a ridiculously stressful few months of work and coaching and it had triggered a round of depression for me. I was exhausted that entire weekend and it took a lot of energy to get out of the house and do things. I had very little interest in sex as well. This all made me a bit irritable and edgy and I isolated myself with long showers to keep calm. She recognized that something was wrong after a day and a night and I told her what was going on. She said it'd be fine if we spent the rest of the weekend watching movies and napping and I was ecstatic. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Time to return that gift for a refund and then move on from this guy. Spending a lot of time in the bathroom while you were away with him indicates that he was secretly texting someone else or using drugs. You can confront him if you want but I wouldn't expect a very honest or meaningful response. He'll likely just say he's been depressed or been busy. And even if those answers are truthful you are getting a glimpse into what your life will be like should you stay involve with him. Someone who just goes AWOL on you whenever he's depressed. Is that what you want to sign up for? Don't buy expensive gifts until the relationship is at least a year old and well established. At only 4 months a card and dinner should suffice. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 21, 2018 Share Posted July 21, 2018 Well he is acting weird. And you want to retrain yourself: ... when someone acts weird on you, don't try to buy them out with a gift ... no you want to do the opposite: pull back. Return the gift. It will only be wasted. I've dated people for much longer than you have dated this guy ... with much deeper commitment and not spent $300 on a gift for them (nor them for me). Why would you even THINK about giving a gift like that? So time to throw out a piece of relationship trash: giving gifts does not get people to like us more. One more time, giving someone a gift does not get them to like us more. Ironically what giving such a big (really ridiculous) gift does ... is get YOU to care more about him. Which is destructive because he's being all flakey and distant and incommunicative. Drop this guy ... Pull back. Return the gift. Take him to a diner if you want to stay in contact. Let the diner be the gift. But really, leave him alone. In fact, to be brutally honest with you: I think he's on the verge of dumping you. He just hasn't gotten the full courage yet to do so. Agreed. Giving someone a expensive gift too soon can also cause feelings of resentment in the person receiving the gift. It might cause them to feel obligated or manipulated. They might feel trapped because how do you break up with someone who has just given you an expensive gift? Its a no win situation for the receiver because if they refuse to accept the gift the giver still gets their feelings hurt and the receiver still feels like the meanie. Expensive gifts too early does not foster good feelings. Take the gift back and get a refund 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 Depression / mental illness does exist. I have dealt with these things all my life and like everyone else, I go through good and bad times with it. If this guy is depressed, then he has to get professional help for it. If he refuses and would rather sit around and be a sad sack and have everyone listen to him cry about it (not that you said he is), then you let him do just that. And cut him loose and let him wallow in his depression before it gets you down as well. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 22, 2018 Share Posted July 22, 2018 Yup he is chasing someone else...you are just filling in the void for him. He knows it's easy to keep you on the hook simply by texting you consistently and calling you babe. He got you played. I don't know about his depression...could be an excuse to hide from you emotionally, or he's down in the dumps because of this girl he's chasing isn't working out. We all know too much time in the bathroom means texting someone in secret. You are being sucked it, time to get out. When it doesn't feel right, that's because it not. Follow your gut, not your heart on this on. Link to post Share on other sites
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