I feel like I’m out of practice...

[MajesticUnicorn]

Hey y’all!

 

I am going on a date tomorrow with a guy I met through OLD. Our first date was okay, he seemed pretty sweet...there was just some awkward silences at times but I felt like it was just part of the first date nerves. I wasn’t sure whether I’d agree to see him again. Anyway, I decided to give it another shot because we have a lot in common and seem to share similar values.

 

This weekend we went back roading/hiking together and I had a great time. There were silences but it felt more comfortable, you know I enjoy being able to hike and enjoy the beauty around me without filling every empty moment with talking. Conversation was good, we talked about hanging out again in the future and making plans so I thought that was a good sign. After spending the day together we went for dinner and a walk around the lake which was not initially planned.

 

Tomorrow we see each other again. Going to grill out and boat and enjoy a bottle of wine. I’m excited to see him and I think he feels the same way.

 

I just feel like I am very out of practice when it comes to dating and what to talk about. Every guy I’ve talked to recently has just been interested in hooking up (unbeknownst to be till it was too late). So I guess the conversation was never really that important. But now that I am in this situation where I think the intentions are good and we have mutual feelings, I find myself overthinking and wondering how I’m supposed to act/talk. Like I said conversation is good once it starts flowing, but I think we are both a bit shy/reserved by nature. In between dates the communication has been great too, we have a good texting relationship.

 

Also, we kissed for the first time on the second date. It was sweet, but short. I’m thinking this also has to do with both of us being reserved, but I want to continue to move our physical connection forward, without moving too fast.

 

Any general advice on how to get back into dating, topics of convo, how to get my confidence back?

[mortensorchid]

It sounds like things went alright for the second get together. Is your confidence based on past experiences that you are or are not doing things the right way or not? It sounds like you are.

[MajesticUnicorn]

It sounds like things went alright for the second get together. Is your confidence based on past experiences that you are or are not doing things the right way or not? It sounds like you are.

 

I think based off previous experiences. Sort of as I alluded to, recently it seems like most of the guys I’ve “dated” or “talked to,” are just interested in hooking up. While deep down I know it’s their own issue and just a matter of being in different places in life, it’s hard not to think it’s something I’ve said or done that makes me undateable.

 

Idk it’s a bit of a contradiction because I am confident in who I am as a person, it’s just when it comes to dating I feel insecure and worried about being vulnerable/investing too much I guess?

[Sunlight72]

Hey MajesticUnicorn, glad you've had a nice time with this new guy

 

My suggestion to keep it smooth is actually to put effort into spending a little more time with your existing other friendships. Talk about other things (not this guy), and keep a little bit busy with the rest of your life.

 

It sounds like you have a bit of the tendency I do - you are starting to work over the potential date and potential relationship in your mind.

 

You did well when you just showed up without any real expectations of yourself. I think to keep it going well you should try to maintain your life, and mentally keep this dating as just a side shuffle.

 

My 2 cents

[Gaeta]

It sounds really good so far !! I am happy for you :-)

 

 

Don't dig into your mind for conversations just keep it light and fun. You have plenty of time to have deep conversations. At the beginning it's about flirting and laughing. Tell him funny stories from your childhood, the concerts you've enjoyed, the place you've visited and are dreaming of visiting! Just enjoy the moment!

[smackie9]

You two are strangers still getting to know one another...nothing wrong with taking the time to do that.

[mortensorchid]

So? Did anything else happen?

[MajesticUnicorn]

Hey MajesticUnicorn, glad you've had a nice time with this new guy

 

My suggestion to keep it smooth is actually to put effort into spending a little more time with your existing other friendships. Talk about other things (not this guy), and keep a little bit busy with the rest of your life.

 

It sounds like you have a bit of the tendency I do - you are starting to work over the potential date and potential relationship in your mind.

 

You did well when you just showed up without any real expectations of yourself. I think to keep it going well you should try to maintain your life, and mentally keep this dating as just a side shuffle.

 

My 2 cents

 

It sounds really good so far !! I am happy for you :-)

 

 

Don't dig into your mind for conversations just keep it light and fun. You have plenty of time to have deep conversations. At the beginning it's about flirting and laughing. Tell him funny stories from your childhood, the concerts you've enjoyed, the place you've visited and are dreaming of visiting! Just enjoy the moment!

 

You two are strangers still getting to know one another...nothing wrong with taking the time to do that.

 

So? Did anything else happen?

 

Hey all! Thanks for all of the feedback and advice, it was really helpful for me. We went out on Wednesday - grilled and drank wine and boated around on the lake. I think it is progressively getting better each time we hang out as I’m becoming more comfortable around him. I did end up staying over as he offered at the beginning so I wouldn’t have to worry about driving home after drinking (we don’t have taxis or Uber or anything here). I was a little worried about that but it felt right and we didn’t get too physical, just made out a bit. I let him know that I wanted to take things slow physically... which is a big step for me I think because in the past as I mentioned I end up getting into these “relationships” with guys with bad intentions/issues with commitment.

 

The next morning he stopped and bought me a Gatorade to deal with the wine headache lol which I thought was sweet. We texted Thursday a bit, nothing on Friday, but today he reached out to see if I wanted to get together again tomorrow as he has had family in town yesterday and today.

 

I think that’s a good sign. He is going to come down here (we live about 30ish minutes apart). He suggested we do brunch or lunch and I said maybe if the weather allows we could go on a short hike as well. Not really sure what other activities we could do, I feel like he’s done a really great job planning dates so far so I would like to do the same.

 

Overall, I think things are headed in the right direction. I don’t want to get too attached too soon, but it does seem like the feelings are mutual as he keeps initiating seeing each other. I just don’t know when or how to start approaching the deeper topics of conversation, or how long I’m supposed to wait until progressing things physically with him. I know there’s no set rule, I just feel like I’m clueless about this because it’s been so long since I’ve found a genuine connection.

[Lotsgoingon]

Since you sound a bit tentative and unsure, I'll offer some support and an observation.

 

I'm hearing you talk a lot about "comfort" with this guy. I'm not hearing that you are really wowed by him or really attracted to him.

 

In my experience, if I am not wowed by someone--by their smarts, their voice, their looks, their energy ... a combo of these ... and this occurs pretty early on ... then the relationship usually isn't going anyplace.

 

Ambivalence is really a no ... Ambivalence on your part ... or ambivalence on his ... Now if you're in this for affection and sex (without a serious relationship), the equation may be different.

 

So just know: you are not required to like this guy just because he's polite, and mannerable and friendly and good-looking or whatever and a good available guy as you are reentering dating.

 

Start sharing your ideas, your opinions, favorite music, movies, and all of that to establish your individuality and some boundaries. Know that you can change your mind at any point ... do NOT take care of him at this point. Take care of you. Pay attention to any odd feelings or actions that seem strange (even if you don't "get" why this thing bothered you), pay attention and note that ...

 

And generally you only have to go date by date. After each meeting, decide whether you want to see him again ... or if you want more or less time or the same amount of time for the meeting. Keep going date by date--reflecting after each meeting on how you're feeling.

 

No need to jump ahead to imagine the things 100 dates down the road. Keep your eye on the next date. And ask questions that clarify any confusion you had or curiosity he aroused from the previous dates.

 

And remember the real goal isn't to impress this guy ... the goal is NOT to make this work ... The goal is to see if this guy is a great fit for you.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Since you sound a bit tentative and unsure, I'll offer some support and an observation.

 

I'm hearing you talk a lot about "comfort" with this guy. I'm not hearing that you are really wowed by him or really attracted to him.

 

In my experience, if I am not wowed by someone--by their smarts, their voice, their looks, their energy ... a combo of these ... and this occurs pretty early on ... then the relationship usually isn't going anyplace.

 

Ambivalence is really a no ... Ambivalence on your part ... or ambivalence on his ... Now if you're in this for affection and sex (without a serious relationship), the equation may be different.

 

So just know: you are not required to like this guy just because he's polite, and mannerable and friendly and good-looking or whatever and a good available guy as you are reentering dating.

 

Start sharing your ideas, your opinions, favorite music, movies, and all of that to establish your individuality and some boundaries. Know that you can change your mind at any point ... do NOT take care of him at this point. Take care of you. Pay attention to any odd feelings or actions that seem strange (even if you don't "get" why this thing bothered you), pay attention and note that ...

 

And generally you only have to go date by date. After each meeting, decide whether you want to see him again ... or if you want more or less time or the same amount of time for the meeting. Keep going date by date--reflecting after each meeting on how you're feeling.

 

No need to jump ahead to imagine the things 100 dates down the road. Keep your eye on the next date. And ask questions that clarify any confusion you had or curiosity he aroused from the previous dates.

 

And remember the real goal isn't to impress this guy ... the goal is NOT to make this work ... The goal is to see if this guy is a great fit for you.

 

Thank you for this feedback. It’s actually really helpful and I will definitely keep this in mind as I continue to see this guy and get back into the dating world.

 

I think my hesitance is that in the past, I have gone in fast and furious. I also have found the guys I have this electric spark with are emotionally unavailable, afraid of commitment, and just looking for a hook up. So I suppose I am just trying to approach things differently, and make sure there is a genuine connection before rushing into anything or getting intimate.

 

I suppose by comfortable, I meant more along the lines that we are both breaking out of our shells and warming up to each other more. It seemed a bit slow at first because we are both shy and reserved people. As far as this guy goes, there is definitely a spark, it’s just maybe a bit more tamed. I do feel like it continues to grow each time we see each other.

 

We went for lunch and a hike yesterday, and it was really fun. Got caught in a rain storm which felt sort of like out of a movie. He stayed for a bit afterwards to dry off and that led to hanging out and ordering pizza. He ended up telling me he really liked me, and I felt the same way.

 

We do have quite a bit in common. Similar taste in music and shows and movies, similar hobbies and general love for the outdoors. We both seem to have our own lives but thus far it seems we could compliment each other well. He is ambitious in his career like I am, values family, and is truly a gentleman which has been hard for me to find.

 

I’m going to keep seeing him and see where it goes, if it does develop into anything more and if I can see a future with him. Right now, it does seem promising and feels right. But I’m definitely going to remain cautious and make sure I’m pursuing him because he’s a good fit and not because I’m just looking to fill my loneliness.

[Gaeta]

Since you sound a bit tentative and unsure, I'll offer some support and an observation.

 

I'm hearing you talk a lot about "comfort" with this guy. I'm not hearing that you are really wowed by him or really attracted to him.

 

In my experience, if I am not wowed by someone--by their smarts, their voice, their looks, their energy ... a combo of these ... and this occurs pretty early on ... then the relationship usually isn't going anyplace.

 

Ambivalence is really a no ... Ambivalence on your part ... or ambivalence on his ... Now if you're in this for affection and sex (without a serious relationship), the equation may be different.

 

 

Men and women process things very differently on that level. Yes men need an instant physical attraction or spark to pursue but not women. We need to feel respect toward him and we need to like him all around to pursue. I am reading through the lines OP seems very excited about this man and that attraction and spark will come with a few more dates.

 

 

I asked my BF what impression I gave him when we met and he replied he felt instant attraction and if he hadn't he wouldn't have seen me again even if I was a very nice lady. It's funny because I did not feel instant attraction toward him but I felt I was dealing with a gentleman and I was curious if attraction would build with a few more dates and it did. It's common for women.

[smackie9]

I must be a guy then lol

[MajesticUnicorn]

Men and women process things very differently on that level. Yes men need an instant physical attraction or spark to pursue but not women. We need to feel respect toward him and we need to like him all around to pursue. I am reading through the lines OP seems very excited about this man and that attraction and spark will come with a few more dates.

 

 

I asked my BF what impression I gave him when we met and he replied he felt instant attraction and if he hadn't he wouldn't have seen me again even if I was a very nice lady. It's funny because I did not feel instant attraction toward him but I felt I was dealing with a gentleman and I was curious if attraction would build with a few more dates and it did. It's common for women.

 

I must be a guy then lol

 

Yeah I can definitely see both sides of it. Of course the physical attraction and spark is important to me. But I feel like after dating so many of the hot, player, types I’ve realized maybe I need to start expanding my horizons a bit.. focus on finding a good & respectful guy who I have things (other than sex) in common with. That being said it does seem like a lot of times when I do find a good guy the sexual chemistry isn’t there. I just gotta find one that has the best of both worlds but that does seem like an impossible task at times!

 

Going to keep seeing him and taking it date by date. We do have a lot of fun together and I’m attracted to him, so my hope is that will only continue to grow.

[Lotsgoingon]

MajesticUnicorn:

 

Sounds like things are going great!

 

Love the romantic rain storm.

 

Good luck.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Went out with him again last night and got to meet some of his friends. I had a great time with him again, finally got to some deeper topics of religion/politics/etc and I was pleased to learn we are aligned in that regard too. Finally ended up being intimate with him as well, and we’re still talking today so I suppose that’s a good sign that he wasn’t just using me. Not that I expected he was, it’s just the fear I have based on previous relationships.

 

I think we may hang out again tomorrow. I’m really excited about where things are going and I enjoy our time together more and more each time I see him. Of course now I’m just worried I’m going to mess it up. I don’t know how or when to have the exclusivity talk, or if I should even bring it up. He tells me he likes me a lot, and last night kept referring to us as dating. I know it still may be too soon and I should probably wait for him to take the lead on this. I just don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket to find out he’s still seeing other people. But at the same point, I like him enough to not want to see other people myself.

 

Eek. I know I’m just being over analytical and making problems for myself. It’s hard for me to just let go and let it happen naturally...

[Gaeta]

Went out with him again last night and got to meet some of his friends. I had a great time with him again, finally got to some deeper topics of religion/politics/etc and I was pleased to learn we are aligned in that regard too. Finally ended up being intimate with him as well, and we’re still talking today so I suppose that’s a good sign that he wasn’t just using me. Not that I expected he was, it’s just the fear I have based on previous relationships.

 

I think we may hang out again tomorrow. I’m really excited about where things are going and I enjoy our time together more and more each time I see him. Of course now I’m just worried I’m going to mess it up. I don’t know how or when to have the exclusivity talk, or if I should even bring it up. He tells me he likes me a lot, and last night kept referring to us as dating. I know it still may be too soon and I should probably wait for him to take the lead on this. I just don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket to find out he’s still seeing other people. But at the same point, I like him enough to not want to see other people myself.

 

Eek. I know I’m just being over analytical and making problems for myself. It’s hard for me to just let go and let it happen naturally...

 

 

What a nice update !!! I am so happy to hear this is heading in the right direction :-)

 

 

It's been what? 4 dates now? and a 5th on the weekend.

 

 

 

You're at a crossroad here because you were intimate so you feel a little more vulnerable. You could tell him something like you are really enjoying your time with him and don't feel like dating anyone else but him....and listen to what he responses to that. I am sure he will tell you the same. I have a good feeling about this guy.

[MajesticUnicorn]

What a nice update !!! I am so happy to hear this is heading in the right direction :-)

 

 

It's been what? 4 dates now? and a 5th on the weekend.

 

 

 

You're at a crossroad here because you were intimate so you feel a little more vulnerable. You could tell him something like you are really enjoying your time with him and don't feel like dating anyone else but him....and listen to what he responses to that. I am sure he will tell you the same. I have a good feeling about this guy.

 

Thanks Gaeta I really appreciate it! I have a good feeling about him too, which is exciting. He seems like one of the first very genuine guys I’ve dated in a while that I have a good connection with. I think that’s part of what scares me about it. It’s been nearly 3 years since my last serious relationship. I’ve had flings and those “talking” situations that go on for months, but never bf/gf.

 

Tomorrow will be our sixth date. We are going to go boating with his friends, so unless we end up alone together later on I’ll probably have to hold on having that conversation til our next date. I think that’s a good idea though, just to bring it up somewhat casually.

 

Will update on how tomorrow goes! Hoping it continues to go well.

[Lotsgoingon]

Take a deep breath and mention exclusivity.

 

Say you enjoyed being intimate (assuming that's true) but that you like him and at some point you want to be exclusive.

 

There is no right time other than when YOU feel you want exclusivity to feel safe and fully relaxed and committed in the relationship.

 

Lots of people ask for exclusivity after first sex with someone they really like.

[ThreeRainbows]

Hm. I guess people have different standards, I feel like exclusivity should come before sex. Just me.

 

 

Hopefully all goes well, definitely time to mention it, if you can do so gracefully. Don't wait too long.

 

 

Even better if you can sort of guide him to it. I like to let the guy take the lead on those things. Although I could do it, I feel like it's a present to let him own his fears of rejection (if he has any) about asking you. Guys like being able to face their fears and come out on top.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Take a deep breath and mention exclusivity.

 

Say you enjoyed being intimate (assuming that's true) but that you like him and at some point you want to be exclusive.

 

There is no right time other than when YOU feel you want exclusivity to feel safe and fully relaxed and committed in the relationship.

 

Lots of people ask for exclusivity after first sex with someone they really like.

 

Hm. I guess people have different standards, I feel like exclusivity should come before sex. Just me.

 

 

Hopefully all goes well, definitely time to mention it, if you can do so gracefully. Don't wait too long.

 

 

Even better if you can sort of guide him to it. I like to let the guy take the lead on those things. Although I could do it, I feel like it's a present to let him own his fears of rejection (if he has any) about asking you. Guys like being able to face their fears and come out on top.

 

This weekend was fun, spent the day with his friends on Saturday and ended up spending the day and night together Sunday as well. I know I should be careful about too much time together too soon though? That was my only concern with this despite the fact I enjoyed my weekend with him. The other kinda weird, but not necessarily bad thing, I ended up meeting his dad on Sunday and we all had lunch. I think it was more of a coincidental thing, we went off roading again so stopped by the garage and his dad was there grilling. Anyway, he told me later that his dad thought I was cute and nice... so good sign I suppose?

 

I invited him last night to meet my friend and her bf that were in town, they both liked him as well.

 

Thank you both for the feedback... I think I’m going to just leave the ball in his court unless things continue to progress without discussion of the future. I feel like we are in a good place though and that he feels similarly. We talk every day. And he bought us tickets to a concert at the end of August and said something along the lines of guess that means you have to keep hanging out with me for at least another month. And mentions things about fall and winter too.. but I don’t wanna make assumptions so I know we need to talk about it at some point. Whenever he is on our phone when we’re together I’ve tried to nonchalantly peek over to see if he has any dating apps still but that hasn’t been successful lol.

[Gaeta]

This weekend was fun, spent the day with his friends on Saturday and ended up spending the day and night together Sunday as well. I know I should be careful about too much time together too soon though? That was my only concern with this despite the fact I enjoyed my weekend with him. The other kinda weird, but not necessarily bad thing, I ended up meeting his dad on Sunday and we all had lunch. I think it was more of a coincidental thing, we went off roading again so stopped by the garage and his dad was there grilling. Anyway, he told me later that his dad thought I was cute and nice... so good sign I suppose?

 

I invited him last night to meet my friend and her bf that were in town, they both liked him as well.

 

Thank you both for the feedback... I think I’m going to just leave the ball in his court unless things continue to progress without discussion of the future. I feel like we are in a good place though and that he feels similarly. We talk every day. And he bought us tickets to a concert at the end of August and said something along the lines of guess that means you have to keep hanging out with me for at least another month. And mentions things about fall and winter too.. but I don’t wanna make assumptions so I know we need to talk about it at some point. Whenever he is on our phone when we’re together I’ve tried to nonchalantly peek over to see if he has any dating apps still but that hasn’t been successful lol.

 

 

Everything sounds good. Just let it flow naturally. Sometimes you may spend a lot of time together and then you have a phase where you're both busy and you see each other less, it all evens out at the end. Sounds like you both have lives outside each other, that's great.

 

 

 

About the exclusivity I wouldn't let it go too long for your own peace of mind. It can't be fun to spend time with a man, with his family, with your friends, and then your mind wonders if he's still online. That must put a cloud over your parade no?