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Paranoia ruining relationship and sanity


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Old 13th July 2018, 5:01 PM   #1
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Paranoia ruining relationship and sanity

Iíve been with my current bf for almost 10 months.

Through the course of our relationship, he hasnít given me very solid evidence or reason to believe that heís cheating.
Aside from the occasional like on another girls picture and random snapchats from other girls that he usually wonít even respond to.

We see each other every single day. So i donít see how he would have time to cheat.

He doesnít hide his phone when weíre together. Yesterday he actually went to work for an hour and left his phone with me. So i know heís not trying to hide his phone from me.

However i STILL canít get over this fear of him cheating on me. When weíre apart i am constantly wondering where he is and who heís talking to. Sometimes i worry so much that my brain convinces me heís doing something and i freak out on him.

I know itís not healthy and i know it stems from my insecurities and past relationship fails
But i need to fix this paranoia ASAP

It caused multiple fights and itís causing me to go insane.

Any tips or advice on overcoming this fear?
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Old 13th July 2018, 5:28 PM   #2
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Honestly, it sounds like you're struggling with an anxiety disorder and might need to seek professional help. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder so I know where you're coming from; before I got some help, I could turn just about any situation into the End Of Times within my head.
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Old 13th July 2018, 5:31 PM   #3
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Answer these:

Suppose he is cheating?

What is your biggest fear in this?
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Old 13th July 2018, 5:38 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
Answer these:

Suppose he is cheating?

What is your biggest fear in this?
My take on it exactly.
So he cheats...who dies? You'll kick him to the curb, you'll cry, you'll get over it and life will go on.
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Old 13th July 2018, 5:44 PM   #5
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Oh my gosh you are one of those GFs. I had a coworker that had a GF tell him he wasn't allowed to go to the mall because "girls" were going to be there....and he was an adult.


OK so you are in need of a reality check. No matter what you do, you cannot stop or prevent it from happening. Also you can't have a normal healthy relationship if you cannot trust your BF. You need to let it GO. If he cheats, oh well, you find a new bf.



If you don't cut it out, you will push him away if you keep making him feel bad for doing nothing wrong.



What to do? get a life outside the relationship. have some of your own time to be with friends, and do things you like to do. You don't need him to be attached to your hip to make you have a happy healthy life. Stop seeing him every bloody day, he needs a break. relationships that last for the long haul are the ones you don't spend every moment together. Come on now, you have been seeing each other for 10 months....enough already. Go out, do your own thing....he will grow more fonder of you when you spend time apart.
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Old 13th July 2018, 6:12 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hohoit View Post
Iíve been with my current bf for almost 10 months.

Through the course of our relationship, he hasnít given me very solid evidence or reason to believe that heís cheating.
Aside from the occasional like on another girls picture and random snapchats from other girls that he usually wonít even respond to.

We see each other every single day. So i donít see how he would have time to cheat.

He doesnít hide his phone when weíre together. Yesterday he actually went to work for an hour and left his phone with me. So i know heís not trying to hide his phone from me.

However i STILL canít get over this fear of him cheating on me. When weíre apart i am constantly wondering where he is and who heís talking to. Sometimes i worry so much that my brain convinces me heís doing something and i freak out on him.

I know itís not healthy and i know it stems from my insecurities and past relationship fails
But i need to fix this paranoia ASAP

It caused multiple fights and itís causing me to go insane.

Any tips or advice on overcoming this fear?
Therapy/councilling....

I don't mean to sound harsh, but my last girlfriend was acting like this....I worked with her, I stayed with her 5-6 nights out of the week, the nights I didn't I would suprise her by tapping on her window at like 6am in the morning .....it ruined me, physically and mentally......the constant comments and her thoughts about me cheating because her ex did. Egg shells are everywhere....

The relationship is due for disaster one way or another

Seek help please, to build that confidence in yourself and to allow things to happen naturally and not try to control everything. Or end the relationship

Good luck
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Old 13th July 2018, 6:32 PM   #7
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Quick question:

Were you like this with other guys? Does this guy withhold affection in some way?

If you see him EVERY day ... and you still have these fears, then either:

1. He treats you like dirt or acts like he doesn't care when he's around you.

or

2. You want to get to therapy to practice settling your mind working on managing fear and anxiety.

Of course 1 & 2 could be true.
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Old 13th July 2018, 7:34 PM   #8
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Here's a reason for security: he hasn't dumped you over this yet. He must really like your other qualities enough to help him bear the insecurity.

But yes, if it's this bad, I suggest you get professional help pronto. And make sure your boyfriend knows you're getting help. If he's nearly at the end of his tether, it would make him more likely to wait for you to get it together.
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:14 PM   #9
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How about this. Every single time those thoughts creep into your head that he's cheating, replace those thoughts with the fact that he got hung up at work because someone called in sick. He stopped to help someone change a tire. He's at home playing video games. He's stalking your FB and Instagram, finding old pictures and memories. He's doing his laundry. He helped an old lady cross the street. He wrestled some dragons to save a puppy...anything...anything will do.

Just replace your stinking thinking. Re-wire your thinking pattern. No brooding allowed. Every single time you start getting paranoid and picturing him cheating, conjure up a reasonable story in your head on what he's up to and what his character is that has nothing to do with other women or cheating.

You're going to kill this (and every) relationship faster than flies on sh** if you keep tossing accusations at him and he has to defend himself at every turn. It's exhausting being in a relationship where you have to constantly build the other person up and defend yourself at every step. You know this, and you feel his resentment and the fact he's growing weary.

Replace bad thoughts with good thoughts. Seek therapy.
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:17 PM   #10
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Where is this fear coming from, OP? Have you previously been cheated on by a boyfriend?

It's good that your recognize it's your problem, not his. However, if you keep lashing out at him, your relationship will not survive. You first need to get to the root of what is causing you such anxiety. Without identifying where these thought patterns originate, you will repeat the same destructive behaviour.
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:30 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
Oh my gosh you are one of those GFs. I had a coworker that had a GF tell him he wasn't allowed to go to the mall because "girls" were going to be there....and he was an adult.


OK so you are in need of a reality check. No matter what you do, you cannot stop or prevent it from happening. Also you can't have a normal healthy relationship if you cannot trust your BF. You need to let it GO. If he cheats, oh well, you find a new bf.



If you don't cut it out, you will push him away if you keep making him feel bad for doing nothing wrong.



What to do? get a life outside the relationship. have some of your own time to be with friends, and do things you like to do. You don't need him to be attached to your hip to make you have a happy healthy life. Stop seeing him every bloody day, he needs a break. relationships that last for the long haul are the ones you don't spend every moment together. Come on now, you have been seeing each other for 10 months....enough already. Go out, do your own thing....he will grow more fonder of you when you spend time apart.
He will leave you if you continue doing this. I dated a guy who acted like you and that drove me up the wall. This guy needed to be attached at my hip and I felt suffocated. I ended up dumping him because he tried to make me feel guilty for nothing. I suffer from anxiety, but this guy was way too much for me.

My current bf and I don't see each other everyday and that's fine. I see my friends while he is working and we other things together. I know your bf wants alone time, heck I wanted alone time from this other guy, I would earful for asking though.
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Old 13th July 2018, 11:40 PM   #12
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You should post this with your other thread honestly because it's really a continuation of that same subject (to give others some context). That said, I will say what I said similarly on your other thread: you need help to build your self-esteem and confidence. You are not having rational thoughts and are having anxious ones. You can't control the external things, you need to learn how to cope and have better internal thoughts. If you don't, you will ruin this relationship and the others to follow. It a bottomless pit to reassure and be the partner of someone who conducts their life from the pov that you are. You owe it to your partner, and most importantly, yourself to take care of this.

maybe you are just at some starting point where you are trying to wrap your head around it and think you will get the answer from posting here or people who tell you are doing the right thing on the specifics when you are having a weak moment and don't tell the full story. but ultimately if you want to change this you need to take definitive action to create change. What you are asking of yourself requires big change and work. Not going to get it from a thread or a post--well unless you take the advice give to get some help. (you did get good advice here in general and to do that)> hope you will
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Old 14th July 2018, 11:45 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Versacehottie View Post
You should post this with your other thread honestly because it's really a continuation of that same subject (to give others some context). That said, I will say what I said similarly on your other thread: you need help to build your self-esteem and confidence ...

... ultimately if you want to change this you need to take definitive action to create change. What you are asking of yourself requires big change and work. Not going to get it from a thread or a post--well unless you take the advice give to get some help. (you did get good advice here in general and to do that)> hope you will
Versacehottie's response is on the money. I looked at the other thread as well, about your bf liking his ex.

Why aren't you in therapy yesterday? ... Clearly this relationship is tormenting you. That means there's a lot to explore and work through. Find a great therapist and you will feel so liberated to build up your confidence ... and your confidence in your own judgment.

And therapy isn't just "remedial" for immature, problem, "crazy" people. You can use therapy to take your social skills and confidence to an entirely new level. I know lots of high-functioning people, people with confidence, with money, with lots of friends and success, who go to therapy to untangle knots really fast ... and to keep moving swiftly towards their life goals and their life happiness.

We all get tripped up and stuck at some point. But if you can't escape being stuck, that's the time to go for help. You can't see it right now, but there are valid and powerful reasons why this guy is triggering you. Unfortunately, when this happens, it's just nearly impossible to figure that out on our own.

There is nothing "wrong"with you if that's your worry. On the other side of all this fear is some deep enlightenment and wisdom--if you will pursue it.
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