Liking ex’s pictures

[hohoit]

I’ll try to keep as short as possible.

So me and my bf have been together 9 months.

 

He chased me forever, begged me to give him a chance and trust him. I finally did. If I’m being honest and try to look at the bigger picture, he hasn’t given me very many reasons not to trust him.

Only two or three issues in our 9 months together.

So basically the good outweighes the bad.

 

If we’re together, he doesn’t hide his phone. He always includes me in everything he does. Even if it’s him and three of his guy friends going fishing, he’ll still invite me.

 

However i have still had issues trusting him and it’s put a big strain on our relationship. He says he’s tired of being accused all the time when he doesn’t do anything.

He says “i could stare at that wall over there for too long and you’d think i was banging it”

 

I admit, my anxiety has gotten the best of me several times and i understand that he feels that way.

 

Now he has became friends with his ex girlfriend on Facebook again.

This girl still comments on his mother’s pictures and says that she misses her and wants to come see her.

Now him and her are friends on fb and yesterday i saw he liked one of her pictures.

I asked him about it and it was a fight. He said he didn’t mean it in that way at all and that he didn’t want to be with her at all but if he saw her out in public he wouldn’t ignore her.

(His Ex also has like a 5 month old baby with some other guy)

 

I’m trying to tell myself not to freak out but the inner me is overthinking and now I’m at work and haven’t heard from him and I’m already assuming he’s with her or talking to her.

 

Idk how to fix this but it’s really straining my relationship and i don’t want to lose him. I need to save it before it’s too late.

[Versacehottie]

You are going to ruin this.

 

The ability to change this is within YOU. That's the answer honestly. If you want to change it, then change how you react.

[kendahke]

What if he is talking to her? What exactly are you prepared to do about it? Fight?

 

When he says:

“i could stare at that wall over there for too long and you’d think i was banging it”

 

That tells me that you needed a therapist more than you needed a boyfriend.

You're going to ruin this and every other relationship--over nothing but an overactive imagination.

 

Find a therapist and get this worked out before you wake up at 40 and not where you want to be, romance wise.

[stillafool]

If you don't control your anxiety you will never keep a boyfriend and you're close to losing this one. People with anxiety problems need professional help before they start dating. Too many people are using anxiety as the reason for their insecurity these days. It is too hard to be around these people much less try to have a relationship with them.

[Sbla22]

If you don't control your anxiety you will never keep a boyfriend and you're close to losing this one. People with anxiety problems need professional help before they start dating. Too many people are using anxiety as the reason for their insecurity these days. It is too hard to be around these people much less try to have a relationship with them.

 

I disagree with this. Anxiety can often make people have poor judgemet or catastrophise but in the case of OP I would say anyone could be a bit upset if their current partner was talking to and/or liking an ex's picture on social media.

 

It's about how you both deal with it - personally my last gf was too close to her ex and I tried having reasonable chats with her where I expressed it made me uncomfortable. She always got defensive and made it my issue but IMO it's disrespectful to a partner to talk and have any sort of relationship with an ex unless you have a child together. Others may disagree but it's 9/10 times going to end badly.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well, I'm gonna defend you here. I think you have the right to object to him liking his ex. Paying attention to that is smart. Very much a potential red flag.

 

You're not feeling secure in the relationship, it seems ... which is not the same thing as saying you personally are insecure. Often people don't feel secure in a relationship because of lots of things ... only one of which is something they can specifically identify--like this thing with the ex and liking.

 

I'm not even sure "anxiety" is the right word here. You're flat out scared, terrified ... with some hidden anger and sense of powerlessness. Nothing wrong with being scared. The fear mechanism is there for a reason.

 

What you describe as overthinking is most likely feeling torn. One part of you wants to scream and tell him to stay away (even online) from his ex ... Another part of you (given his reaction) is trying to reassure yourself that this is all nothing to worry about.

 

Here's my red flag. I don't like that your bf seemed to blow his top when you mentioned this to him. I am not sure why he couldn't calmly explain to you why he felt the need to like his ex. Seems to me, that if his reasoning is legitimate and if he thinks you're worth, he could have calmly reassured you.

 

Here's another red flag. (I know--I'm tough) Saying you will speak to an ex on the street (as bf said) is NOT the same as actively finding their page on social media and liking it. Hugely different. So he pulled a fast one on you ... That analogy makes no f-ing sense. None.

 

I once saw my fire-breathing ex on a train, and I spoke to her. Of course. But I ain't liking her on social media.

 

You don't need to solve this with perfect equanimity in the next 15 minutes. If you don't feel comfortable confronting him again, then consider going silent ... Don't contact him ... You may find he's slow to contact you and reassure you ... in which case you know this guy is not that into you and is NOT right for you ... and that your fears are on the money! (We feel reassured with the right partner.)

 

Or ... he will realize that you are really disturbed by his liking the ex ... and he'll make a heroic effort to contact you and get you to respond and to reassure you.

 

You seem too upset to be able to fake being comfortable around bf ... so that's why I think ... why not pull away some? ... If he can't reassure, he ain't the man for you.

 

I get why this one is hard ... because you have strong feelings and your feelings have been rejected by your bf ... but you're not convinced of the logic of not worrying. Totally sane place to be in life. You might wanna tell him that's where you are ... and then pull away some.

[CollegeKid101]

Two things:

 

1. You have ZERO reasons to be concerned. It's a like on FACEBOOK! It means nothing and you are being childish. Anxiety is a real thing, but this is a little ridiculous.

 

2. She has a BABY with ANOTHER guy! Relax!

 

He seems like a good guy so just enjoy his company and the relationship.

 

EDIT: @Lotsgoingon, if he actually actively went about searching through her Facebook, I agree. But there's a 95% chance it showed up on his wall and he liked it along with the other 15 people's posts that were present at the same time.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you not trust him, OP? Where is this anxiety coming from?

[Logo]

You've said it yourself, that the good outweighs the bad, so I'm wondering like others have asked, where are your concerns and anxieties coming from?

 

Now, don't be alarmed or 'freak out' by what I'm about to write.

 

Again, I'm only hypothesizing here, but it's worth thinking about it:

 

It's possible that by prodding him all the time, trying to get him to reassure you that everything is ok, you're actually pushing him away from you and that is why he's thinking about his ex. It's just a theory. So don't jump to conclusions.

 

Again, don't freak out when you read this. That's not my intention. All I'm saying is, if you keep doing what you're doing, there's a chance you could ruin the relationship.

 

So, what's done is done. At the same time, he's done nothing wrong. He liked a picture. Big deal.

 

 

 

What you can do now is work on changing your reactions and thought processes.

 

Here's the way I see it. Things are going well, so just accept that things will continue to be that way and that the relationship is not at risk.

 

But, realize that just like a scab, if you keep picking it, you're going to cause more damage.

 

If you adjust your thinking and behavior, the worst that could happen is that you'll have a nice long-term relationship.

 

If you keep questioning his faithfulness, you're going to ruin the relationship in a matter of days or weeks.

 

So whenever you start having doubts, take a breath, count to 10 and say to yourself, "Everything is ok."

 

Forget about the ex. Forget about him liking a picture. Move on as if nothing happened.

 

I think that's the be the best thing you can do for your relationship at this point.

Edited July 8, 2018 by Logo

[heavenonearth]

It’s just a Facebook like. It means nothing.

[hohoit]

Why do you not trust him, OP? Where is this anxiety coming from?

 

I’m not exactly sure where it stems from. A big part i think is because i am bigger than him. He’s very skinny so I’m about twice his size and that has always been a huge issue for me. He’s never mentioned it but i just feel like there’s no reason why he wouldn’t want to find someone more attractive. I just constantly feel like that’s what’s going to happen. I’ve also been cheated on in the past and that hurt but i didn’t care about that person even half as much as i do my current bf. So that just makes it even more scary.

[Gaeta]

 

I’m not exactly sure where it stems from. A big part i think is because i am bigger than him. He’s very skinny so I’m about twice his size and that has always been a huge issue for me. He’s never mentioned it but i just feel like there’s no reason why he wouldn’t want to find someone more attractive. I just constantly feel like that’s what’s going to happen. I’ve also been cheated on in the past and that hurt but i didn’t care about that person even half as much as i do my current bf. So that just makes it even more scary.

 

 

So what you're bigger? He's with you so he likes you. Go on Youtube and search *men who prefer bigger women* they are everywhere!! You need to build some self confidence.

 

 

 

There is nothing wrong in *liking* a picture an ex put up. There is also nothing wrong with having an ex on his family social media. I have all of my brother's exs, even those he broke up from 25 years ago. They're all married with families and we're all happy for them. It means no disrespect toward my sister in laws. Different people, different time, different life. If your boyfriend wanted to cheat on you he wouldn't need FB.

[thefooloftheyear]

I am the least insecure person you might ever meet....But I am also a very considerate person...

 

It's inconsiderate on his part....Period...Expecting a current partner to just sit back and accept or be happy that you have any type of relationship(be it FB or not) with an ex is not really reasonable....While some would have no issue with it, many will..

 

I have a friend that recently left his wife for another woman..>He posts pics on FB of the two of them together..It'd not my place to get involved, but why do that? I mean, is it really necessary? And that's the same thing I would tell the OP"s guy as well..>Is it really necessary???

 

I have no idea why people do this...The only one's who should are those that have kids together...

 

TFY

[hohoit]

 

 

 

Here's my red flag. I don't like that your bf seemed to blow his top when you mentioned this to him. I am not sure why he couldn't calmly explain to you why he felt the need to like his ex. Seems to me, that if his reasoning is legitimate and if he thinks you're worth, he could have calmly reassured you. .

 

I wouldn’t necessarily say that he blew up.

He was more aggravated because we haven’t been doing very good for the past two weeks and so I have been freaking out And i guess “accusing” him more. So when i brought up another “accusation” he was a bit upset.

 

He just said “i didn’t mean it in that way at all. I just scroll through fb and it shows up on my feed. It’s not like I’m going to get back with her. I don’t want to be with her at all. It won’t happen again. She liked my picture, i liked hers back in return. If i wanted to be with her i wouldn’t be with you. I’m not that kind of person”

[hohoit]

 

If you keep questioning his faithfulness, you're going to ruin the relationship in a matter of days or weeks.

 

So whenever you start having doubts, take a breath, count to 10 and say to yourself, "Everything is ok."

 

Forget about the ex. Forget about him liking a picture. Move on as if nothing happened.

 

I think that's the be the best thing you can do for your relationship at this point.

 

 

I know all of this is true and my friends and own mother have told me I’m overreacting but my mind keeps searching for an answer as to why he liked the picture.

I keep thinking “well does he miss her? Would he rather be with her? Does he still love her?”

 

All this needing to know an answer is causing me to go crazy

[hohoit]

So what you're bigger? He's with you so he likes you. Go on Youtube and search *men who prefer bigger women* they are everywhere!! You need to build some self confidence. .

 

It’s just been a real struggle. I mean he calls me beautiful and sexy and talks about how he loves my body and stuff all the time but it’s still been a struggle for me. It took me the LONGEST time to meet his friends and family because i was afraid they’d think “what’s he doing with a fat girl” or something like that.

 

He started to think i didn’t like them but really i was just insecure.

It’s been a big cause to a lot of problems.

[stillafool]

And what would you do if the answer were "yes" to any of those questions?

[Gaeta]

It’s just been a real struggle. I mean he calls me beautiful and sexy and talks about how he loves my body and stuff all the time but it’s still been a struggle for me. It took me the LONGEST time to meet his friends and family because i was afraid they’d think “what’s he doing with a fat girl” or something like that.

 

He started to think i didn’t like them but really i was just insecure.

It’s been a big cause to a lot of problems.

 

 

And that's why there is a saying: We cannot love someone else until we love ourselves.

 

If you don't solve your issues with your self-image you will carry this through your life and you will never be fully happy. On top of that you will give to your children this lack of self love and they'll be cursed with it.

 

 

 

So instead of making everyone miserable why don't you do something to stop the cycle of self-destruction?

[hohoit]

And what would you do if the answer were "yes" to any of those questions?

 

If that was the case then i would definitely leave him.

[coolheadal]

 

I’m not exactly sure where it stems from. A big part i think is because i am bigger than him. He’s very skinny so I’m about twice his size and that has always been a huge issue for me. He’s never mentioned it but i just feel like there’s no reason why he wouldn’t want to find someone more attractive. I just constantly feel like that’s what’s going to happen. I’ve also been cheated on in the past and that hurt but i didn’t care about that person even half as much as i do my current bf. So that just makes it even more scary.

 

My dear you have lost him already he's reached out to his ex, she's been chatting with him and making plans to come back into his life. Once men do that, they need other comfort. Your right to be concern because it's your life and happiness at stake. He wants her back, if he didn't en would never added her back as a friend. Starting to like her pictures an etc. Do you live with him or does he live with you? Is it your place or his place? He needs unfriend her and block her. If he doesn't do that for you? Then you know you have lost him!

[coolheadal]

It’s just been a real struggle. I mean he calls me beautiful and sexy and talks about how he loves my body and stuff all the time but it’s still been a struggle for me. It took me the LONGEST time to meet his friends and family because i was afraid they’d think “what’s he doing with a fat girl” or something like that.

 

He started to think i didn’t like them but really i was just insecure.

It’s been a big cause to a lot of problems.

 

They are his family no concern to you. You are not living with them and they are not in your life and business. I had the same issue as you. Remember it's you and him. He needs to block the ex-gf from his life block cell number, all FB anything he can do to reach out to her. Like I said he has to do this for you! You have trust issues so what if you do! We all do no one can tell me here they don't.

[hohoit]

My dear you have lost him already he's reached out to his ex, she's been chatting with him and making plans to come back into his life. Once men do that, they need other comfort. Your right to be concern because it's your life and happiness at stake. He wants her back, if he didn't en would never added her back as a friend. Starting to like her pictures an etc. Do you live with him or does he live with you? Is it your place or his place? He needs unfriend her and block her. If he doesn't do that for you? Then you know you have lost him!

 

I have checked his calls, texts, Snapchat’s and i have not seen her name in any of them. She sent him a request and liked his picture and he said he liked hers in return. She has a newborn baby with another guy so I’m not sure if him getting back with her is the real concern.

But it still upsets me.

[coolheadal]

I have checked his calls, texts, Snapchat’s and i have not seen her name in any of them. She sent him a request and liked his picture and he said he liked hers in return. She has a newborn baby with another guy so I’m not sure if him getting back with her is the real concern.

But it still upsets me.

 

Wait a minute here she has newborn baby with another guy she's seeing? That might change things. Did he ever have kids with her? What are you goals kids with him in the future? For sure it would upset me if my GF was doing the same thing we have the right to be concern and upset. I rather be that then to be on some sort of pills to tame us down. You are in your right to be concern. I know my GF told me if she came home and I was in bed with another woman she would pour hot water over us. She has nothing to be concern about because I do not cheat. I tell her she better than cheat either. She seems loyal enough for me I don't have any kind of thoughts.

[Gaeta]

This guy did nothing wrong. He has an ex on his list of FB friends and once in a while he likes some pictures she puts up. I don't see the big deal. No one is having secret conversations here.

 

 

 

OP, when you started dating how long they had been broken up?

[lurker74]

Here's the conundrum that you face: It is entirely reasonable for you to tell him to unfriend his ex.

 

I disagree that it's just a like on Facebook. She wants to see his mom again. That would annoy most of us if we were you. But the pickle that you are in is that you used up all your capital over reacting to other things in the past and now asking him to do this - something that is very reasonable - is just ONE. MORE. THING.

 

Ya done screwed up, sadly.

 

My suggestion is to tell him that you over reacted, let him know that him being friends with an ex on Facebook makes you uncomfortable but that you'll accept it if that is what he insists on, and then ACCEPT IT.

 

Make accepting something you don't like for the sake of the man you (presumably) love and who otherwise treats you with respect and admiration should be the price you pay for all the damage you caused with the over reactions in the past. That's my $.02 at least.