Need a reality check...moving too fast or am I being too picky?

[lolococo]

New poster. Long-time lurker. Quick background and I'll cut to the chase (although this might be long winded).

 

I am a 40-year old single mom, divorced pretty young and can be relationship shy. Last significant relationship was 4-years ago and it took me a while to recover. I've dated a few times in the last few years, but nothing longer than about 3-4 months. Have had trouble with single men understanding my work-childcare situation and it can be a little frustrating.

 

So present situation, I started eHarmony about a month ago and went out on a few dates that were duds. Met a guy who was from my home state that seemed promising. We talked on the phone several times and the conversations were good (albeit more about him than me - his home improvement projects, work, family, activities, etc.). Felt comfortable enough to meet up with him when I went back home for a visit. Thought that maybe this could have legs!

 

1st date I thought that we could mutually meet in the city I was staying in (as I was out of town and staying at a hotel). That's what I assumed - we could meet at a restaurant or something for initial contact (my rule is usually not to get in a car with an OLD). He suggest picking me up from the hotel and taking me an hour away to where he lives for a hike. I wasn't comfortable with that and was in a time crunch as my mother was watching my son for me while I met up with him. I used this as an excuse to persuade him to meet in town but compromised by allowing him to pick me up (which made me a little uncomfortable).

 

He picked me up and I was pleasantly surprised by being attracted to him and we had a very nice dinner and a short stroll afterwards where he held my hand and it felt good. Nice, even pace. So I left feeling really great and interested in seeing him again.

 

The next week we chatted a couple of times and he asked me to meet him for a hike half way between my home and his. It was a little crazy (3-hour drive each way for me, 4 for him), but I really liked him after the first date so I thought what the hell... I'll do it.

 

After driving 3-hours I met him in the parking lot and got out. It was a little different from the first date as he was really dressed down this time. Stained, ratty hat, big goofy dad shorts that were kind of hanging off of him. But, it was a hike so I'm sure that wasn't his best duds. I'll allow it. We start hiking and immediately he grabs my hand and won't let go - it gets a little sweaty and sticky to the point where I kind of release just to wipe down.

 

We talk (once again, mostly about him). His attention seems to wander off whenever I start talking about myself and I have to pause until he stops taking a photo or engaging other hikers to continue my story or train of thought. He starts talking about his ex-wife, how she left him, cheated on him he thinks (doesn't have confirmation), but tells me that he would drive past the house at night and see cars in the driveway and across the street. I said "Why do you think she left you." And he told me "Because I was an as*hole." And that he would always be off doing his own thing and then when she had the baby she complained about leaving her alone with the kids all of the time. That she didn't want to do the same things he did.

 

Then he told me that right after he divorced her he had another 7 year relationship and she cheating on him too with her boss. But I kept thinking 7-years and no marriage. I'm not sure what is going on there (he has 3 kids), and maybe there is a commitment thing. I have to be honest, I want to remarry eventually and I'm not sure I'd sign up for a 7 year tour of duty and bring my son into a home where there's only a boyfriend and no chance of having a step-father... I started to get concerned.

 

Now, I'm not a saint. I have plenty of baggage. I know.

 

Then he stops me after telling me all of this relationship stuff in the middle of a stream to kiss me for the first time and to be honest, it was the perfect spot - nature, beautiful canyon, butterflies flying around us... but I felt nothing. Zip. He got a little too much tongue and it just felt a little off. But sometimes it takes a while to warm up to those things.

 

We continue to hike and get up to a really sketchy ladder that goes up and over these waterfalls. I get nervous around hikes and slippery things so I was a bit hesitant to go up this slippery scale. He eventually gets me to go up it with my heart pounding and everything, but I made it. Continue hiking to another - even more sketchy log-ladder thing (only two footholds on this one and one of them fell off right in front of me like something out of an Indiana Jones movie). I looked at him and said "Hell no... not going up that" you go ahead - he tries to pressure me, but no way, no how this time. He seems a little upset, but goes on ahead. I watch a man try to climb down and fall 4 feet right onto his ass. I was happy with my decision.

 

He came back down and proceeds to tell me that "You should know this about me, I'm not afraid of anything." And I then tell him that "I'm afraid of plenty." Especially heights. He tells me that's okay as long as you do things you are afraid of. And I said trust me - I do things I'm afraid of all the time. Just not into things that could cause me injury (I'm a single parent, I can't afford to be dumb).

 

Anyhoo - this has been way too long already so I'll wrap it up. In the parking lot he pulls off his shoe and shoes me this weird toe he has (baby toe on an adult foot). We have lunch and then he wants to kiss more in his car (after eating Mexican food) and I'm just feeling nothing below the belt other than the desire to get in my car and drive the 3 hours home. I then feel obligated to talk to him for another hour while he finishes his additional hour drive home.

 

He asks me out on another date for this weekend (he's in town for vacation) - with his kids! I initially told him yes... then sent me a Facebook Friend request, then invited me to a week long vacation, then asked me for my email address to send me something he could have just texted. I started to feel supper smothered. Plus his text started to turn from "Good Morning" memes to "Hey sexy kisser", etc. When I didn't respond in kind - he's stared to send me the "Are you okay" text and I told him it was a weird week and busy, etc.

 

I just feel like I'm about to be mauled to death. So I panicked and cancelled on him this weekend (feeling like too soon to meet the kids).

 

I feel so guilty... I led him on because the first date was good!

 

Loveshack people... am I being too picky/love avoidant or is he moving too fast?

[smackie9]

Come on girl!, you are not obligated to see him again, nor are you obligated to tell him why. I understand you want to be kind and respectful BUT you went on a couple of dates so you don't owe this guy a thing.

 

 

 

Call him up and be straight with him or send a text...doesn't matter. Just say it doesn't feel right with you, so you are cancelling on seeing him again. Then wish him all the best. Block and delete his number so there is no further communication. It's OK you can do this.

 

 

If he manages to contact you, don't respond. Engaging in anymore conversation will only exasperate the situation.

 

 

It's ok to admit this guy isn't what you are going for...be picky all you want...this is about you, not him.

Edited June 17, 2018 by smackie9

[preraph]

Naah, the chemistry just isn't there. Do what Smackie said. Just tell him he'll be great for someone but you're not feeling the connection. You can't force it.

 

I don't know if you ever have get-togethers at your house or have a social circle, but if so, you could stay acquaintances with him and just see if he wants to join a group party to meet some of your friends who might like him better, and you could have him bring a friend, who you might like better. In other words, keep him in your network to expand your network. Only if you're both social and you'd need to be clear "Not as a date. Please bring a friend or date."

[lolococo]

Thanks for both of your replies. I'm breathing a big sigh of relief. I wanted to give this a fair play and was hoping it wasn't me just running away from something good.

 

I really want to be open to a relationship and I know people aren't perfect. I am well aware that I am not! I feel like you are both right and it's a compatibility/chemistry issue.

 

I have this gut feeling like eventually I wouldn't be adventurous enough or accommodating enough for him.

[TheFinalWord]

 

I feel so guilty... I led him on because the first date was good!

 

Loveshack people... am I being too picky/love avoidant or is he moving too fast?

 

Well, if he annoys you (kind of how it sounds), you should probably cut it off now.

 

You've experienced what he is like romantically (hiking in crappy clothes, no butterflies when kissing)...if you aren't feeling it at the beginning, than you probably won't. My guess is he planned this out to be all romantic, so you're seeing the peak of his romantic capacity.

 

Should you cut it off? Probably. But it depends what kind of person you are in terms of attraction and chemistry. I rarely like any woman right away (physically attractive, sure, but personality, it takes time for me). I know that about myself, so I give it a few tries. Some people have to feel it right away, and if not, they'll never feel it.

 

Why don't you ask him for a date doing something you want to do? When I am dating, my partner and I don't have to like all of the same things, but it's nice when they at least take an interest in your hobbies...

[TheFinalWord]

Thanks for both of your replies. I'm breathing a big sigh of relief. I wanted to give this a fair play and was hoping it wasn't me just running away from something good.

 

I really want to be open to a relationship and I know people aren't perfect. I am well aware that I am not! I feel like you are both right and it's a compatibility/chemistry issue.

 

I have this gut feeling like eventually I wouldn't be adventurous enough or accommodating enough for him.

 

 

I don't think that's the case. What he showed you was the peak of his adventurous ways. Probably planned it out more than you think, including the kissing location. Why he showed up looking sloppy on the second date, who knows. Most guys are kind of clueless about fashion.

[lolococo]

Thanks, that's some really good insight. I do feel like he thoughtfully planned it out and it was a pretty awesome location and would have been really romantic –– if I had been more into it.

 

That part is probably more me than him for sure.

 

I do feel that hiking is his thing since 2 out of the 2 dates we had involved hiking or suggested hiking (which I do love hiking). I might give it a week to cool off and if I'm feeling like I was being too hasty will revisit meeting up with him (without the kids).

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm a guy and I admit I was terrified as soon as you got into the car with this guy.

 

I am a little concerned that you backed down on that basic safety protocol of first meeting someone at a public place ... and that you let him take your hand roughly on that odd hike ... No hikes in areas you are not familiar with until you totally feel safe with someone ... That he took your hand hard ... and kept wanting to kiss you ... totally bad signs.

 

Any man who is even half-way sharp these days will know that a woman will want to meet at a neutral public place without first getting into the car with him. That's like pre-dating 101 ... And btw: same principle applies to the man. It's not safe for us to get into a car with someone we don't know yet.

 

In the future, I say cancel dates on anyone who insists on picking you up on first face-to-face meeting. Because that insistence itself shows a basic lack of social skill and awareness.

 

Your fears--and whether you want to face them--are none of his business at this point in the relationship. That's an odd and unusual topic to be on at this point ... There are a thousand other things to learn from you and about you ... Sure, you can ask someone about their fears ... (But really that should come after asking about their interests, their hobbies, their jobs, their goals, their friends, what movies they like and on and on ..) ...

 

But to try to get someone to commit to facing their fears. Whoa, you don't owe him that ... he's all in your face ... trying to control you and you've barely met him. This sounds all manipulative and unbalanced to me ... down to his ugly clothes on the hiking trail.

 

Definitely ditch this guy ... No such thing as leading someone on ... We have the right to change our minds about a date, about, about a kiss, about sex ... whether it's days ahead of time ... or five minutes ahead of time ... or in the middle of things.

[lolococo]

Thank you, thank you! That just confirmed everything I was feeling in my gut.

 

I feel so validated now. I really appreciate the response (may have to pin it to my wall and read it over again the next time I feel this way).

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is moving way too quickly. You barely know him and he wants to have a date with his children. And invited you on a week-long holiday. Where is his sense of judgement and impulse control? As a parent, he needs to exercise more discretion as well. This would be a major red flag to me, indicating he gets carried away and doesn't let his rational mind guide him.

 

In my experience, people who are this hot this early on are generally overcompensating for something and tend to go ice cold just as quickly. Or if they don't go ice cold, they have other, deeper issues that they're trying to soothe by jumping into relationships.

[lolococo]

It didn't sit really right, I mean we all want to be swept off our feet, but this felt like a flash flood. Thank you for your insight.

[SiaLv82]

He was feeling it and you weren't. When you accepted the next date he took it as confirmation that the feeling was somewhat reciprocated. The right thing to do since you both put some time into this is to text him back the next time he reaches out to you that you appreciated meeting him however after the last get together you realized there isn't the spark you had hoped for. That is being honest without being hurtful. It's of poor character to not respond at this point. We are adults afterall. Just a thought - If you felt the spark then you probably would have been over the moon about that level of attention from soneone you liked. It's just hits the creep factor bc interest was mute. Do the right thing.

[Casio167]

All of this screams red flag. He told you he was an ******* and wasn’t around to help his former wife with the baby. Then couldn’t be arsed listening to you when you were speaking. Then told you about how his other partner cheated on him...sorry he said all this on a second date? Where are his boundaries?!

Asking you to do things you’re not comfortable with, then asking you on a week long holiday and suggesting you meet his children for a third date.

 

Honestly I’ve just re-read your post and he could well be a narcissist type. He constantly encrouches on your boundaries, the holding your hand on the hike, the having you get into his car, even though the first time you said you wouldn’t. It’s like he saw an opportunity to see how much you’d put up with, and see if you’re that type that can be manipulated and he went all in. Also even the shabby hiking clothes seems to be tied into this.

 

I would respond to him and explain you’re not interested instead of ghosting him, ghosting is the absolute pits. But other than that....

Run away!!!!...and then block his number.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Casio167

[Zapbasket]

All of this screams red flag. He told you he was an ******* and wasn’t around to help his former wife with the baby. Then couldn’t be arsed listening to you when you were speaking. Then told you about how his other partner cheated on him...sorry he said all this on a second date? Where are his boundaries?!

Asking you to do things you’re not comfortable with, then asking you on a week long holiday and suggesting you meet his children for a third date.

 

Honestly I’ve just re-read your post and he could well be a narcissist type. He constantly encrouches on your boundaries, the holding your hand on the hike, the having you get into his car, even though the first time you said you wouldn’t. It’s like he saw an opportunity to see how much you’d put up with, and see if you’re that type that can be manipulated and he went all in. Also even the shabby hiking clothes seems to be tied into this.

 

I would respond to him and explain you’re not interested instead of ghosting him, ghosting is the absolute pits. But other than that....

Run away!!!!...and then block his number.

 

This times ten. Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.