What were his intentions?

[burnt]

I met a man on the internet about six months ago.

I posted an ad in the personals section on Craigslist, as I reached a all time low point mentally and it was a way to reach out to someone in the world. I was explicit in my ad saying I just wanted to talk to someone as I had not one other human being in my life and I was losing myself completely with sheer loneliness. I was absolutely clear about wanting just an anonymous platonic friend to just talk to who could relate to what I was going through. (Yes, I exhausted all other ways to find friends and I was lost at that point).

 

Amongst many many people who replied, I only connected with one person and we started talking. He was shockingly intelligent and sounded like a true gentleman. Virtually all our conversations were intelligent discourses, but then moved into personal things more and more.

 

Here and there in very subtle ways I felt he was hitting on me with less than obvious ways, but I kept it platonic throughout. We talked about once/twice a week and ended up sharing most of our lives' daily routines.

 

Two weeks ago, he shared that about the same time he started talking to me he met someone else online and they had been talking almost everyday and that he is liking her.

It came as a shock, sheer shock. It makes no sense. He shared some very sensitive things with me about day to day life and what he did, but never a single hint of that other person.

 

I contacted him last week and cut contact saying I cannot talk to someone who is 'partnered', as that's what he seems to be in at this point.

He, in turn, replied with a goodbye (I also gathered in this last email that they are actually very close to each other at this point). It's a long distance relationship.

 

I am trying to understand why he didn't make a single comment about talking to this other person for six months almost everyday, when he shared just about everything else he was doing.

 

I am not interested in reconnecting with him, but it's eating me up.

I am asking for insights about why he may have hid that from me. (I am not asking for suggestions on how to move on--just some understanding about his behaviors)

[stillafool]

Because when people first start talking to each other they are not committed are they? They are more than likely talking and dating others as well to see which person they feel the most chemistry with and are most compatible with before they decide to be exclusive. At least this guy was honest that he is now coupled with this other girl rather than just stringing you along. Don't ever get caught up in the really personal things people tell you as a sign of closeness as some people are just very open about their private life.

[burnt]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I completely understand that. What is baffling me is that he has hinted more than once and given me the impression that I am the only person he has been talking to. He as explicitly said to me that he is not dating in a passing comment.

 

I am feeling like he has put on an act as if he was talking to or seeing no one until two weeks ago. What was there to gain on his part is what I'm trying to understand.

 

My point is, I was clear about not wanting anything more than platonic friendship, so what was his reason for hiding that other person from me?

 

My question is why put on an impression like he is living a 'alone' life with no one in the picture when he was seeing someone the whole time.

[anika99]

most men are truly not interested in totally platonic relationships with women. Sure lots of men have platonic relationships with females but I honestly believe that most men view their female friends as possibilities for romance or sex.

 

So when this guy first started talking to you he knew that you were only looking for platonic friendship but in his mind there was still the possibility that this friendship could become romantic or sexual. He didn't tell you that he was talking to other women because he didn't want to completely shut the door on this possibility with you. He probably did the same to the other woman. Never told her he was talking to you so that he wouldn't close the door on the possibilities with her either. Basically he was seeing both of you as options and he didn't want to spill the beans until he had a sure thing. The other woman became the sure thing so now he's willing to let you go.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry this happened to you. But remember a few things when it comes to OLD …

 

If the person has not asked to meet you within a few emails / conversations (I would say about 4 or 5) then recognize that this person is not interested in meeting you. They are just interested in having a chat relationship with you only. And that is marginal at best. In some cases people have been chatting with people for weeks, sometimes months at a time. If you ask to meet the person, they will come up with reasons / excuses as to how / why they can't. And that's that.

 

But I understand your loneliness. That's what this forum is for isn't it?

[guest569]

Maybe he didn’t want to discuss it because he knew you were lonely and at a low point and it would seem a bit like gloating to talk about his new relationship. Or he didn’t want to talk about it until it was more official. How are you doing now?

[act00]

This is a pen-pal and email buddy, not real life, and no prospects of anything long-term. Where does this guy live? I mean, is he even remotely close to you in location? There are lonely people all over the world who latch onto these online romances that are not reality. When first dating in real life, if you're multidating, you don't exactly bring that situation up to the forefront. You don't know what's going on or what's going to happen...one of the guys/girls work out...in this case, you're just a penpal, and nothing was going to happen, yet this other person can be around, live and in person.

 

You can't expect a monogamous online romance...you can be friends, yes, but romance, no. You meet in person and build together.

[stillafool]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I completely understand that. What is baffling me is that he has hinted more than once and given me the impression that I am the only person he has been talking to. He as explicitly said to me that he is not dating in a passing comment.

 

I am feeling like he has put on an act as if he was talking to or seeing no one until two weeks ago. What was there to gain on his part is what I'm trying to understand.

 

My point is, I was clear about not wanting anything more than platonic friendship, so what was his reason for hiding that other person from me?

 

My question is why put on an impression like he is living a 'alone' life with no one in the picture when he was seeing someone the whole time.

 

But, he may not have been dating her just like he wasn't dating you. He may have just had phone and text conversations that led them to want to start seeing each other. You made it clear to him that you were just looking for a platonic friend to talk to. You got that from him but maybe the other girl wants more and so does he. If you are just looking for a partner to talk on the phone maybe you can find another one but those types of relationships don't last long before one of you moves on to a relationship. If it is just conversation you want perhaps try a female to befriend.

[guest569]

This is a pen-pal and email buddy, not real life, and no prospects of anything long-term. Where does this guy live? I mean, is he even remotely close to you in location? There are lonely people all over the world who latch onto these online romances that are not reality. When first dating in real life, if you're multidating, you don't exactly bring that situation up to the forefront. You don't know what's going on or what's going to happen...one of the guys/girls work out...in this case, you're just a penpal, and nothing was going to happen, yet this other person can be around, live and in person.

 

You can't expect a monogamous online romance...you can be friends, yes, but romance, no. You meet in person and build together.

 

It doesn’t sound like OP was seeking romance though. Which did make me wonder why it was a problem for the guy to be in a relationship. I don’t see why an online friendship cannot last long term. I have an online friendship that started 15 years ago and while we are not in regular contact, we are still friends.

[preraph]

I don't see why you're bothered. You were clear and maintained that it was platonic only, so of course he's going to also date if he's single. How can that possibly bother you if all you wanted is someone to talk to? There's no such thing as "exclusive" friends who don't have any others.

[burnt]

So when this guy first started talking to you he knew that you were only looking for platonic friendship but in his mind there was still the possibility that this friendship could become romantic or sexual. He didn't tell you that he was talking to other women because he didn't want to completely shut the door on this possibility with you.

 

And, that has been my thoughts as well. That's the only explanation I can think about too. Nothing else seems to make sense.

 

Somehow in my irrational thoughts, I keep feeling I wish he had disclosed that to me though, but yes, I do understand, if this is the class, the name of the game is not disclosing until he secured something.

 

Thank you for your reply.

[burnt]

But I understand your loneliness. That's what this forum is for isn't it?

 

Thank you.

Yes, this seems to be only place on earth I can find to crawl back to, as I don't have any other support system in my life.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

At a guess, he was probably compartmentalizing his “friendships” with both of you. He may have seen no need to tell either of you about the other, for fear that one or both of you would become jealous and territorial or perhaps stop talking to him altogether.

 

As it turns out, that is exactly what happened. When you found out he was close with this other woman, you were done. It was easier for him to open up and take that risk of telling you now because things between them are becoming more serious.

 

I guess that is the risk of building friendships or relationships online. It is much easier to be secretive, tell lies, and chat with more than one person simultaneously.

[burnt]

Maybe he didn’t want to discuss it because he knew you were lonely and at a low point and it would seem a bit like gloating to talk about his new relationship. Or he didn’t want to talk about it until it was more official. How are you doing now?

 

Hi Smiley,

That would make a lot of sense, except he never hesitated to gloat about all the time and the interactions he had with his four daughters, and his grand-children, mom, and friends here and there, and his ex-wife who he is very good friends with. He went to family vacation with his daughters and ex-wife recently.

 

So, no, that doesn't seem quite right that he hid it out of considerations.

[burnt]

It doesn’t sound like OP was seeking romance though. Which did make me wonder why it was a problem for the guy to be in a relationship. I don’t see why an online friendship cannot last long term. I have an online friendship that started 15 years ago and while we are not in regular contact, we are still friends.

 

I had an affair with a married man while I was married, which destroyed everything in me. I left everything and moved away to another part of the country.

 

The slightest sight of engaging with someone who is partnered sends shivers of horror down my spine now.

 

That's why I'm not ok being friends with him, once I know he is seeing someone. While the nature of friendship was strictly platonic, we divulged a tremendous amount of personal information with each other, and I am not ok with continuing with that once he is dating.

 

Hope that explains my reluctance.

 

The second aspect is, as much as I have suppressed it, being absolutely lonely with no one else in my life, I knew it was inevitable to develop feelings of some sort for him, and though I never acted on them, nor did I give any hints, it's just stinging right now.

 

I am just hopelessly lonely and feeling utterly lost losing the only friendship I had for the last six months. So, I guess that's why I'm pulling my hair out trying to understand.

 

Thank you for your response, and your concern about how I am. I am having a hellish hard time.

[burnt]

At a guess' date=' he was probably compartmentalizing his “friendships” with both of you. He may have seen no need to tell either of you about the other, for fear that one or both of you would become jealous and territorial or perhaps stop talking to him altogether.[/quote']

 

In his last email, he said that she is fully aware of me and that they are "completely transparent with one another" and that she is fine with him talking to me.

What really stung was when he said that we could actually cc her the emails that we write to each other.

 

Reading that, perhaps it's just me, the audacity and the insult of that suggestion felt intolerable.

 

It is much easier to be secretive, tell lies, and chat with more than one person simultaneously.

 

He seemed extremely decent in all this correspondence and that's why the thought of him being secretive is hitting me so hard.

[burnt]

I don't see why you're bothered. You were clear and maintained that it was platonic only, so of course he's going to also date if he's single. How can that possibly bother you if all you wanted is someone to talk to? There's no such thing as "exclusive" friends who don't have any others.

 

Good question; I have been doing the best to reflect on that myself.

I guess a part of me is utterly jealous, because a part of me wanted something more but I held back. Yes, I know I have no reason to fuss over who he dates, but as I said, what's bugging me the most is that fact that he never told me about her, when he shared many other very private matters with me.

[Art_Critic]

Well... it doesn't seem like all he was trying to do was lay pipe.

I'd bet he needed the extra connection as he has never met the other person and he isn't getting what he needed from it.

 

I'm not sure if it can be called trying to cheat as he never made a move but just flirted.

 

I could be wrong but it seems like it was innocent and he never meany to to go further and since you did you felt hurt by it..

Obviously it seems like you were friendzoned since his SO knew about you two talking...

 

You made the right move, it wasn't going to go where you wanted it to.

[stillafool]

I agree with Art Critic about the friend zoning. If he had already disclosed to her he was talking to you he had friend zoned you and perhaps was still going to keep you as a friend since that's all you wanted. He wanted to send emails of your conversations to her so everything would be up front on his end.

 

I think if you are lonely and aren't looking for a relationship try getting out and meeting people. If you want chatting buddies meet some women and make friends with them. I don't think it makes sense to expect a man to be your chat mate because they normally don't want that position unless they are gay. This guy hasn't really done anything wrong.

[FMW]

Good question; I have been doing the best to reflect on that myself.

I guess a part of me is utterly jealous, because a part of me wanted something more but I held back. Yes, I know I have no reason to fuss over who he dates, but as I said, what's bugging me the most is that fact that he never told me about her, when he shared many other very private matters with me.

 

It seems that yes, you really did want something more. I think it's important to be honest with ourselves, even when what we're feeling/wanting isn't what we'd like. I think that means that you need to work on getting over your fear of connecting with someone on a romantic level, don't just avoid it. Figure out how to work through it so that at some point you will be available for a healthy relationship. It will take time, but being honest with yourself will help speed the process.

 

I don't know why he didn't let you know about her when apparently he did let her know about you, but I think it's probably best that we always assume that we're not the only one when it hasn't been specifically talked about. I think that's especially true for online connections - going online is a purposeful action to meet other people and most aren't going to limit their contact to one person at a time.

 

I understand you're traumatized from the nature of your last relationship, but many people date more than one person at a time, prior to making any kind of commitment to any one person. So even with people you meet face to face, never assume you are the only one, even if they don't talk about anyone else.

 

I hope you make new friends soon, I'm sorry you feel so lonely.

[preraph]

Good question; I have been doing the best to reflect on that myself.

I guess a part of me is utterly jealous, because a part of me wanted something more but I held back. Yes, I know I have no reason to fuss over who he dates, but as I said, what's bugging me the most is that fact that he never told me about her, when he shared many other very private matters without me.

 

He did share it as soon as he felt it was going somewhere.

If you're hoping for more and don't know him telling someone you're just lonely and want a friend. Or if your feelings begin to change then let them know . But what you can't do is wait until they're happy with someone else and then try to break it up.

[burnt]

He did share it as soon as he felt it was going somewhere.

If you're hoping for more and don't know him telling someone you're just lonely and want a friend. Or if your feelings begin to change then let them know . But what you can't do is wait until they're happy with someone else and then try to break it up.

 

Thank you, preraph for an honest blunt answer. I needed to hear that.

 

At the same time, I couldn't tell him because (1) I hadn't fully realized that I wanted something more until he told me about this other person, and (2) from everything I hear I doubt I should be in a relationship now (or ever). I have managed to mess up far too many and should only be alone until I fix myself up first. And yet, I'm so down and lonely.

 

It feels like a catch 22; I can't be happy alone, so I go try to find connection; I haven't found way build friendships with females and amongst the so many I have talked to he was the only one I could connect with. So, I was afraid that if I try to get involved romantically, I'd get hurt and that's why I held back.