I wish my SO would put more effort into his appearance...am I being too shallow?

[throwaway2222123]

I put effort into my appearance on a daily basis, but my SO does not do the same. I typically try to dress nicely, do my nails, hair, and wear makeup. While he really appreciates that I do this and always compliments my appearance, he puts minimal effort into the way he presents himself. His clothes all look like they're from high school (he's 30), and frequently have stains and/or holes in them. Furthermore, he has gained some weight recently and now has a smallish/med beer belly, and he belts his pants BELOW his belly and it accentuates his gut and looks gross. I can frequently see his belly AND his underwear because his pants are so ill fitting. He is a tall, relatively muscular guy, so his beer belly really stands out on his frame.

 

I tend to be pretty judgmental, but recently a friend of mine commented to me on his new beergut. My friend is not someone to notice things like that, so now I'm aware of the fact that other people see it too. I look at pictures of him from 2 years ago and he was fit and healthy looking, and attractive to me. I've realized I have lost most of my attraction to him lately.

 

I actually get embarrassed at how unhealthy and sloppy he looks when we go out in public...especially when everyone else looks so put-together. I've tried to send subtle hints about working out together, eating better, drinking less beer (he drinks quite a bit of cheap beer, thus the beer belly), but he doesn't seem to get it. He'll praise me for taking care of myself and claims he wants to as well, but he doesn't really make any effort. I'm worried about long-term compatibility here. I want a partner who will stay healthy and fit with me, and someone of whom I can be proud of when we're out in public. As it stands, I'm getting somewhat resentful of my partner for his weight gain and for his complete lack of concern for his appearance. I'll watch him shovel food in his mouth at dinner and feel almost angry at him. I'll judge him for how many beers he has in an evening. Etc. etc. Note: my bf always keeps his hair and beard nicely groomed, he always smells good, his clothes are never dirty, just old. So it's not as though he is unclean... just unkempt.

 

I realize that these are superficial things and I keep wondering if I truly loved my SO if they would still bother me. However I am who I am, and things such as health and overall appearance are important to me. I'm torn between simply ending things with my SO because I don't see us as compatible, or sitting him down and talking to him about these issues. But how does someone sit their SO down and tell them they're no longer attracted to them because they're overweight and dress poorly?

 

Sorry this is so long but this has been keeping me up at night. I care a lot about him and he possesses so many wonderful qualities but unfortunately what I have discussed here is important to me and is starting to erode away my feelings for him.

Edited June 7, 2018 by throwaway2222123

[Romantic_Antics]

You might want to ask if everything is ok with him, personally. When someone stops caring about their physical appearance there's generally an underlying reason for it, even if it's nothing more malignant than becoming complacent with the relationship. Talk to him in a supportive way to try to identify the root cause of his apparent disregard for his health and his appearance. If you show concern for him and for his overall health rather than specifically focusing on his beer belly and his clothes, that might serve as a catalyst to change.

 

With that established, take an active role in helping him look and feel better. Go on hikes, walks, bike rides, and even get a gym membership and tell him how much you want him to come with you. Don't like his clothes? Take him on a fun shopping spree in the mall. All that walking around will be good exercise too. You can also start cooking healthy meals together.

 

Just be a positive source of encouragement; a cheerleader more than a coach. You can even reward him in various ways for his efforts, as he reaches certain weight loss milestones etc. Good luck!

[kendahke]

However I am who I am, I tend to be pretty judgmental.

 

Then you're with the wrong man and you need to leave so he can find a woman who is far less judgmental. "He is who he is," is something that he's got a right to say, too and he should be no more obligated to change than you.

 

Perhaps the reason he's become who he has is because of the judgmental girlfriend he's with and it's worn him down?

[Gaeta]

Forget dropping hints to men, they don't get it, on top of that they much more appreciate and honest and open conversation.

 

 

 

My bf is always well put together but it will happen that we're getting ready to go out and he'll put an old shirt on. I just tell him ' no honey, you're not going out with that on, put on your nice Lacoste polo shirt', it's as easy as that. When couples have been dating 2 + years they should be able to say these things. The last thing a man wants is his gf to be embarrassed of him.

 

 

 

One day we were getting ready to go out, don't remember where, and as I was putting my running shoes on my bf said....Darling no! c'mon, I am not taking you out in those. You know what? he was right and I didn't feel offended at all ! actually I was glad he pointed it to me!!

 

 

 

Tell him his wardrobe out of date and take him shopping. Don't hesitate to tell him he's attractive and he should dress nicely.

 

 

 

As for his stomach point it out to him, tell him you've noticed he's getting a belly and he needs to cut the beer.

[Lorenza]

Why don't you buy some nice shirts for him?

[Gaeta]

Then you're with the wrong man and you need to leave so he can find a woman who is far less judgmental. "He is who he is," is something that he's got a right to say, too and he should be no more obligated to change than you.

 

Perhaps the reason he's become who he has is because of the judgmental girlfriend he's with and it's worn him down?

 

 

It's more about becoming aware of what we project. A bf or gf can help you evolve and improve. We're not talking about changing the core of who he is.

 

 

 

One of my brothers was a bit of a slob in his late 20s. Long hair, old t-shirts, un-shaved, biker type. He met his first wife and she transformed him. She kept the essence of him, he kept his long hair but trimmed the neck and sideburns, he kept liking t-shirts but they were quality ones, and she made him discover quality jeans. They divorced a few years later and my brother never went back to his slob appearance. She taught him how to be well put together and it lasted him all of his life.

[kendahke]

It's more about becoming aware of what we project. A bf or gf can help you evolve and improve. We're not talking about changing the core of who he is.

 

 

 

One of my brothers was a bit of a slob in his late 20s. Long hair, old t-shirts, un-shaved, biker type. He met his first wife and she transformed him. She kept the essence of him, he kept his long hair but trimmed the neck and sideburns, he kept liking t-shirts but they were quality ones, and she made him discover quality jeans. They divorced a few years later and my brother never went back to his slob appearance. She taught him how to be well put together and it lasted him all of his life.

 

If he, like OP, decided that "I am who I am" and likes how he is, then what is OP's only course of action here?

[Gaeta]

If he, like OP, decided that "I am who I am" and likes how he is, then what is OP's only course of action here?

 

 

But they're not there yet. She has not expressed to him how she feels about him letting go of his appearance. All she did was drop hints here and there and that does not convey to her bf how much this is important to her. When she has an honest and open conversation with him on how important this is for her then she'll be set. If he is not willing to better his appearance then she'll decide to accept it or leave it.

[Gaeta]

OP, you kind of shoot yourself in the foot when he started to let go of his appearance and you continued getting out of the house with him looking like a slob. It taught him that even though you don't like it you were ready to put up with it.

 

 

 

Might be cultural but I don't have any women friends or women family members who'd let their bf or husband get away with it, right away he'd be told to put a different shirt on. I grew up with my mom sending my dad back to his closet and I did the same when I got married at 20. My ex-h laid his clothes on the bed when he headed to the shower and I'd switch it if it didn't match.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Taking the image thing out of the equation, how would you characterize your relationship? Imagine you were blind.

 

When I read such content, I'm reminded of a line our psychologist shared with us in MC while we were working through far more serious marital issues than appearance....

Is it more important to you to be right or to be in a relationship?

 

It wasn't the answer, either or, that was important, rather the why, which addressed compatibility in how relationship issues are resolved.

 

How was his appearance and method of dress when you met and began dating? Rewind back to when he first asked you on a date, presuming that's how it went. Same? Different? Etc?

[No_Go]

I'm getting somewhat resentful of my partner

 

Whatever the reason is, IMO when one of the people in the couple get this feeling, things are past the point of no return...

 

Remember the honeymoon days when you first start dating him... Would you feel the same resentment then if he puts an old shirt or if his underwear shows occasionally?

 

Not saying not to talk to him, nothing wrong with helping him to look better. But to feel resentful when you watch him eat ... I'd say consider letting him go for the sake of the happiness of both of you.

[throwaway2222123]

If he, like OP, decided that "I am who I am" and likes how he is, then what is OP's only course of action here?

 

Then we would break up. He has every right to say that in return. I just know that these are things that are important to me and unfortunately, despite my best efforts, that won't change.

[throwaway2222123]

Thanks for all of the replies. To clarify, we've only been together around 6 months. He's never dressed well, but at the onset of the relationship I really didn't notice it. It's only over the last month or so that it's really started to bother me. I guess because his winter clothes weren't all that bad or ill fitting. His summer clothes are awful.

 

I think in the long run, I should probably end things with him. He is wonderful to me and everything I really want in a man emotionally, but I don't think I have the same feelings for him that he does for me. I blow hot and cold with him and that's so unfair to him. I'd rather break his heart now than 2 years down the road.

 

Thank you.

[Timshel]

Then we would break up. He has every right to say that in return. I just know that these are things that are important to me and unfortunately, despite my best efforts, that won't change.

 

 

Then tell him this. You are certain of yourself with us, who are not in a relationship with you....no need to hem and haw with him, who is.

 

 

Just read your decision, good choice. Best of luck.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for all of the replies. To clarify, we've only been together around 6 months. He's never dressed well, but at the onset of the relationship I really didn't notice it. It's only over the last month or so that it's really started to bother me. I guess because his winter clothes weren't all that bad or ill fitting. His summer clothes are awful.

 

I think in the long run, I should probably end things with him. He is wonderful to me and everything I really want in a man emotionally, but I don't think I have the same feelings for him that he does for me. I blow hot and cold with him and that's so unfair to him. I'd rather break his heart now than 2 years down the road.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Well that's a bit of a different story than the original one.

[throwaway2222123]

Well that's a bit of a different story than the original one.

 

Yes I realized I didn't include many details on the relationship itself, my bad.

[Gaeta]

Thanks for all of the replies. To clarify, we've only been together around 6 months. He's never dressed well, but at the onset of the relationship I really didn't notice it. It's only over the last month or so that it's really started to bother me. I guess because his winter clothes weren't all that bad or ill fitting. His summer clothes are awful.

 

I think in the long run, I should probably end things with him. He is wonderful to me and everything I really want in a man emotionally, but I don't think I have the same feelings for him that he does for me. I blow hot and cold with him and that's so unfair to him. I'd rather break his heart now than 2 years down the road.

 

Thank you.

 

 

To recap.

 

 

 

Men don't understand hints very much so whether it's been 2 years or 6 months dating being clear in your dislike will always serve you best in your relationships.

 

 

 

In this case here it sounds like you were looking for a reason to drop him, the sloppy dressing excuse was handy. Yes, after 6 months dating if you don't feel you're invested as much as he is it's time to let him go.

 

 

 

If you liked him I think you would have been willing to work around the problem.

[clia]

Note: my bf always keeps his hair and beard nicely groomed, he always smells good, his clothes are never dirty, just old. So it's not as though he is unclean... just unkempt.

 

and

 

To clarify, we've only been together around 6 months. He's never dressed well, but at the onset of the relationship I really didn't notice it. It's only over the last month or so that it's really started to bother me. I guess because his winter clothes weren't all that bad or ill fitting. His summer clothes are awful.

 

It sounds like maybe he just needs some fashion help if he's wearing older, ill fitting clothes. This is not uncommon for men. Offer to go shopping with him so he can buy some new items that fit better. Is his gut really that big, or does it just look big because he's wearing unflattering clothes?

 

I think in the long run, I should probably end things with him. He is wonderful to me and everything I really want in a man emotionally, but I don't think I have the same feelings for him that he does for me. I blow hot and cold with him and that's so unfair to him. I'd rather break his heart now than 2 years down the road.

 

So I guess the clothing isn't really the issue?

[Mentor99]

Yup, probably for the best to break up with him. Just not compatible.

 

I will also say it's important to remember that our partner's aren't designed for us. They are their own people with their own thoughts, ideas, priorities etc. When we feel resentment towards them it's because we think they should be doing things differently than they are. And more accurately, we think they should be doing things the way we want them to do things. Which basically means we think we're more important then they are. And that's going to doom every relationship.

[frigginlost]

Originally Posted by throwaway2222123

I put effort into my appearance on a daily basis, but my SO does not do the same. I typically try to dress nicely, do my nails, hair, and wear makeup. While he really appreciates that I do this and always compliments my appearance, he puts minimal effort into the way he presents himself. His clothes all look like they're from high school (he's 30), and frequently have stains and/or holes in them. Furthermore, he has gained some weight recently and now has a smallish/med beer belly,

 

{SNIP}

 

I know you have made your decision regarding him, but to be honest, I read more in your words of reasons you don't want to be with him.

 

That tells me (especially at the 6 month mark) that your looking for superficial reasons to end it.

 

Have you been hurt in the past badly, or how have your previous relationships been?

 

I don't put a lot of weight in superficial reasoning's being the cause of not continuing a relationship. Usually there is more to it. At 6 months, you're starting to come out of the honeymoon period and starting the relationship building work. Folks who have been hurt, or are carrying luggage from a previous relationship usually bolt around this time...

Edited June 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

Been with my husband for 28 years....he dresses in car tshirts and worn out runners, and levis 501 old skool jeans. His friends used to call him laundry hamper because his clothes were so wrinkled it looked like he fished them out of the hamper.

 

 

 

Open your wallet and buy him clothes. I bought him (one sale) Calvin Klein dress shirts, and some nice slip-on leather shoes that were not too dressy, and got him a chunky watch. I gave up on the jeans, he won't budge, but he really liked what I bought him, his sister raved about it, and other people were shocked. When you get outside opinions, it's influences them to dress nicer. He actually starting buying expensive watches, and bough more trendy shoes. He's no GQ, but he can look decent when we go out.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

My ex bought me some of the most amazing clothes I've ever worn. Damn, that woman had fashion sense.

 

Buy him some clothes and have him try them on and try it out. Take him out to try on some clothes and see if he's open to changing his wardrobe.

[kendahke]

Then we would break up. He has every right to say that in return. I just know that these are things that are important to me and unfortunately, despite my best efforts, that won't change.

 

Then you know what you need to do, right?

[d0nnivain]

You can't change a man you can absolutely change his clothes! Heavens my husband had 2 pairs of cheap shoes, a pair of hiking boots, 1 nice suit (that he was wearing when I met him), some jeans & khakis & a bunch of hideous polyester shirts. Alas I created a monster. Now he wears Merino wool, cashmere, silk, broadcloth & has almost as many shoes as I do. lol

 

throwaway2222123 If you are blowing hot & cold after a mere 6 months, just end it. If you think there is long haul potential, buy him better clothes & do laundry together. Not sexy but sometimes a date of necessity.

[basil67]

You're high maintenance and he's low maintenance. It can work if relax your expectations and fixes his clothing style.