Only 5 months in, is it worth is?

[smeckers]

Hi all, this is my first time ever posting on a forum so I’m a little bit nervous, but I hope it will help my situation.

 

I am Irish and I have been dating an American guy who moved to Ireland for about 5 months now. At the start it was simply amazing. He was messaging me and calling me all the time, we went on so many dates, he just seemed perfect to me and I was honestly so happy. Then, because of his job, he had a period of 6 weeks when he was travelling non-stop, with 3 of those weeks in the States so there was the time-difference issue. He managed to fly back for one evening during the 6 weeks to Ireland so I got to see him then and it was lovely and everything was normal. We messaged and called a lot while he was away. And exchanged "miss yous" and the normal coupley things.

 

Last Saturday was the day he was finally coming back and we had arranged to go out for dinner that evening after he had a chance to sleep a bit during the day. However, evening time came around and he rang and said that he was still really tired and asked if we could postpone. If I’m being honest, my feelings were kind of hurt. I was so excited to see him and I naively thought he would be excited to. So when he kind of blew me off I got upset and hung up the phone.

 

He didn’t try and contact me again that evening, or the next morning. So I sent him a message explaining why my feelings had been hurt and that it seemed maybe he wasn’t interested in me anymore. He did not respond until the evening (which was very unlike him if previous behaviour was anything to go on) and said that he was homesick and didn’t feel up to doing anything over the weekend but he was sorry he hurt my feelings as it was not his intention. He said he was interested in me because he thought I was cute, sexy and super smart and he still wanted to see me.

 

However, today (2 days later) I sent him a message that these last few days had not been great for “us” and asked him where he wanted us to go from here. It is like 8 hours later and he still has not responded and I’m starting to freak out a little bit. Should I move on? We really haven’t been dating that long and we never actually DTR (although we agreed we were exclusive). I don’t want to look pathetic and wait around for a guy who is not really that interested in a future with me. Please advise on what you think I should do!

[FilterCoffee]

Hey smeckers,

 

Welcome to our little corner of the web. I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt by his behaviour but if I have to be perfectly honest, I think you overreacted. It was silly of him to plan going out on the day he landed and you guys should’ve planned something more low-key, like you going to his place and making dinner together. I can understand why he wanted to stay indoors this weekend just to get over the jet lag. I’m sure he still finds you cute, sexy and super smart but I’m sure you’ve let him down a bit by not being more considerate of his travelling. Should you move on? Maybe, but not because of this. Having been in a similar position to him, i know he would feel a lot better if you spoke to him normally in your usual loving way. If you can acknowledge that you were a little inconsiderate, nothing like it.

[preraph]

It's completely normal to be so tired you can't stay awake after flying that far. Jet lag. Really, you shouldn't have challenged him about it. I mean, jet lag is real. The fact that you did didn't set well with him and is probably making him back off. What you did find out is he's not ready for commmitment, I think. Too soon for him, and now he knows you are possibly a bit more invested than him and he also knows you can be a bit unreasonable and aren't very understanding.

 

So he's backed off some. Give him space and see if he recontacts you or not.

[smackie9]

We are not mind readers, his behavior could mean anything. You are just going to have to wait til he contacts you. If he doesn't, there is your answer.

 

 

This type of LDR can be tricky. It takes a lot of trust and communication.

[smeckers]

It's completely normal to be so tired you can't stay awake after flying that far. Jet lag. Really, you shouldn't have challenged him about it. I mean, jet lag is real. The fact that you did didn't set well with him and is probably making him back off. What you did find out is he's not ready for commmitment, I think. Too soon for him, and now he knows you are possibly a bit more invested than him and he also knows you can be a bit unreasonable and aren't very understanding.

 

So he's backed off some. Give him space and see if he recontacts you or not.

 

I don't think it is entirely fair to say that I am not very understanding in this instance. I waited for him for 6 weeks while he was travelling. Not once did I make a bit deal about the fact that he was gone, or the days that he didn't respond for over 24 hours. I just stayed upbeat. I do understand how jet lag works (I am an extensive traveller myself) and that is why I had no problem waiting until the evening to see him, giving him over 10 hours sleep during the day.

[coolheadal]

Hi all, this is my first time ever posting on a forum so I’m a little bit nervous, but I hope it will help my situation.

 

I am Irish and I have been dating an American guy who moved to Ireland for about 5 months now. At the start it was simply amazing. He was messaging me and calling me all the time, we went on so many dates, he just seemed perfect to me and I was honestly so happy. Then, because of his job, he had a period of 6 weeks when he was travelling non-stop, with 3 of those weeks in the States so there was the time-difference issue. He managed to fly back for one evening during the 6 weeks to Ireland so I got to see him then and it was lovely and everything was normal. We messaged and called a lot while he was away. And exchanged "miss yous" and the normal coupley things.

 

Last Saturday was the day he was finally coming back and we had arranged to go out for dinner that evening after he had a chance to sleep a bit during the day. However, evening time came around and he rang and said that he was still really tired and asked if we could postpone. If I’m being honest, my feelings were kind of hurt. I was so excited to see him and I naively thought he would be excited to. So when he kind of blew me off I got upset and hung up the phone.

 

He didn’t try and contact me again that evening, or the next morning. So I sent him a message explaining why my feelings had been hurt and that it seemed maybe he wasn’t interested in me anymore. He did not respond until the evening (which was very unlike him if previous behaviour was anything to go on) and said that he was homesick and didn’t feel up to doing anything over the weekend but he was sorry he hurt my feelings as it was not his intention. He said he was interested in me because he thought I was cute, sexy and super smart and he still wanted to see me.

 

However, today (2 days later) I sent him a message that these last few days had not been great for “us” and asked him where he wanted us to go from here. It is like 8 hours later and he still has not responded and I’m starting to freak out a little bit. Should I move on? We really haven’t been dating that long and we never actually DTR (although we agreed we were exclusive). I don’t want to look pathetic and wait around for a guy who is not really that interested in a future with me. Please advise on what you think I should do!

 

Sounds like he met someone else on his trip, for his strange behavior with you now. Why would he postpone seeing you right away. If it was me I would be excited like you are to see the woman he loves. But he said could be postpone, then hasn't really contacted you ever since? Hmm??? Something has changed with him? If I was you do not push things do not contact him do not do anything just go on with your daily routine for now. Try not to think about this as your are already. Do not show weakness on your part by calling or texting him. Not a good sign or thing to do. I know your hurting but nothing you can really do or say in a situation like this. But something has changed and at lease you know that much..

[preraph]

I don't think it is entirely fair to say that I am not very understanding in this instance. I waited for him for 6 weeks while he was travelling. Not once did I make a bit deal about the fact that he was gone, or the days that he didn't respond for over 24 hours. I just stayed upbeat. I do understand how jet lag works (I am an extensive traveller myself) and that is why I had no problem waiting until the evening to see him, giving him over 10 hours sleep during the day.

 

He doesn't owe you to always see or contact you as soon as he can. He has free will. He sounds like a busy guy. Most guys will run from this type of demanding behavior.

[JDJ]

You created a continuous cycle of drama before even seeing each other in person. Now, something might have happened to cause his aloofness, and he might not be that into you any more. But you contributed to that by giving him reasons to stay away. And if you want to blow him off without actually seeing him in person to find out what was going on, that also says that you are not really that into him. So, yes, move on.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry to hear of your story ... Unfortunately, it's pretty clear that he has lost interest in your relationship ...

 

You say "If I'm honest, my feelings were a bit hurt." Come on, we all have this experience at some point. The feeling is devastating, crushing, disorienting. You've been feeling great ... think everything is going great ... feel like you're getting signals from the other person that they feel great ... and then they pull away.

 

Devastating. Crushing ... Baffling ... makes us question reality ... because we didn't see this coming.

 

In my experience, there is really nothing you can do ... Sometimes we just get dumped ... I was talking not too long ago with a friend ... and she and I were telling stories about times when we felt like the relationship was amazing ... and then the other person (seemingly without warning) just pulled away ... or disappeared. Totally maddening.

 

Only thing to do is call up some friends ... get some love and hugs ... tell your story ... no need to feel shame ... It hurts ... definitely hurts. If he were more mature, he would have called you and directly told you what's going on ... But for whatever reason, he's afraid to do so ... Sometimes people don't know that just telling the truth hurts ... but hurts less than randomly disappearing and pulling away ... with no reason ... leaving you grasping for a reason.

 

So he's doing you a disservice by not owning up to his changed feelings ... or whether he met someone else, etc ...

 

My heart goes out to you. I think love pain is the worst when we don't have any sign of the ending coming up.

[gaius]

I've been with my fiance for 3 years now, come June 2nd, and when I'm out of town I'll still drive home 5 hours after a full day of work so I can spend my one day off in 2 weeks with her. And I don't even end up getting off till 7-8 sometimes.

 

No real excuse for what he's doing other than lack of interest.

[PegNosePete]

No real excuse for what he's doing other than lack of interest.

Right, if he was still jetlagged or whatever then HE should have said he's not feeling up to going out to dinner but he'd love to see you at his place or something even if it's just to fall asleep watching TV. That is what a normal person who has missed their partner, but is too tired to stick to the plans, would do.

[smeckers]

I appreciate all of the input that this thread has had, but I realised that this type of outlet is not for me. In fact, I would say it is quite destructive to a person's mental health. I have spoken to the guy in question and everyone was very wrong as to why he canceled our dinner plans. But seeing all of the various responses (all negative might I add) really played with my emotions. So I won't be using forums again as I don't seem them as constructive. But thank you for attempting to help.