My bf is ignoring me

[Terry8889]

So I have posted about my long distance relationship with my older bf here before. He's 51 and Im 29. A year together. We met online, then met in person 3 months later. Spent an entire Summer together. He want me to move to his state with him badly, but I didn't want to make such commitment yet, not bc I didn't love him but bc moving to another state with someone you just met it's a big deal. He was head over heels for me and wanted us to be together. I was thinking more rationally and wanted to wait, I told him if he felt so ready then why doesnt he move here to my state with me.

 

I had an unexpected housing situation a few months ago and I asked him if I could move with him until we figure things out. I thought he'd be glad to take me in since he has been trying to convince me to move for so long but instead he was negative, he was offended at the fact I wanted to move in with him bc I had to not bc I wanted to. I understood that partly, but I didn't get why my bf "the person who loves" was denying me a place to stay when I needed help. if he wasnt sure about getting established together, I could stay with him for a month until I figured things out with the housing situation, but he didnt even want that. I felt rejected in a time of need by my own bf.

 

Everything went downhill from that point, I had to travel out of the country for that month and stay with family bc I had no place to stay here in the US. I got back a month later and he was getting increasingly distant and I started working two jobs and barely had the time to communicate but I tried my best to let him know I loved him and was thinking about him throughout the day, instead he seem to slowly decrease the effort on his side. I got to a point where I told him maybe we needed a break bc it seemed like that was what he wanted. At first he wasnt into the idea and suggested we limit communication to only a call once a day. We used to facetime all the time, text all the time and even go to bed with facetime on (it was his idea).

 

Anyway, 2 weeks past and I could sense he was acting different, I felt like he didnt want to talk or that I was bugging him even though we were barely talking anymore. It seemed like he didnt want to put in the effort anymore so it got to the point I just couldnt take it anymore and demanded to know what the hell is going on, does he want me in his life or not? why has he changed? etc. I confronted him and he got defensive telling me I was the one seeing the negative side of things, that he told me long distance was going to be difficult and i chose not to move with him in the beginning, etc. He told me things are not working out the way they are, asked me if I was happy and I told him no. He said that we should take a break to clear up our minds, have space, work on our personal problems and then we could start fresh once I graduated and his semester was over(he's a college teacher).

 

I told him I'd have to remove him from fb bc I would kill me to see him online and not being able to talk, he said to do whatever I think it's best for me. He said that I could message him if I wanted to, and I told him no bc then that wouldnt be taking a break. He said he'd message me if he finds a job in his field and if he applies for it here in my state. We ended up our conversation in good terms, we said were going to miss each other, that we loved each other, talked about hoping to see each other again and eventually have a family together. I told him that I wanted to move with him if he lets me after the break. We agreed we would get back in contact and said bye.

 

 

The semester officially ended this past weekend and I graduated yesterday, he made me promise I'd send him a pic of my graduation. So last night I contacted him bc I wanted to send the pic and get back in contact bc that's we had agreed to do. But to my surprise he never answered my texts, I messaged him twice and nothing. I was waiting today and nothing. I saw him online on whatsapp earlier today so im assuming he is just ignoring me. and Idk why, idk if he's upset i deleted him off social media even though he said it was fine. idk if he just doesnt want anything to do with me, or maybe he's just taking his time. I feel in a limbo and my whole being and soul hurts. Bc i feel like he lead me on making me believe we would get back together and we will start fresh, instead he is just ignoring my existence. Why is he doing that, why not just man up and tell me he wants to end things? I don't understand. Now Idk what to do, if I call and he doesnt answer that's gonna make me feel worse. I dont want to message again bc I dont want to look crazy or desperate.

 

Any advice or opinions?

Edited May 15, 2018 by Terry8889

[Romantic_Antics]

I stopped reading after "long distance relationship". Sorry, but the one and only LDR I have ever been in and ever will be in was a complete and utter waste of time. False promises, lies, deception, manipulation, narcissistic abuse...just, no.

 

Hopefully someone else can provide a more insightful reply, but I wanted to at least give you my unwavering stance on the merit of LDRs. Good luck.

[clia]

It sounds like he may have met someone else while you were out of the country.

 

And even if he didn't, it seems this long distance relationship has run its course and he has lost interest. Long distance relationships are hard. He wanted things to move forward and to close the distance. You resisted until you were put into a situation where you had no choice, so I understand why he might've felt put off by that.

 

My advice is to move on.

[d0nnivain]

I suspect he began to wonder if you were a gold digger. You didn't want to move to his state. Then when you had no other choices you wanted to live with him. You were looking to him to put a roof over your head. That probably soured him on things.

 

Happy graduation. Take your degree. Stand on your own two feet. Date somebody locally closer to your age & get on with your life. His paranoia cost him you.

[smackie9]

I say, with time to think about things, he has made the decision to call it quits. Why doesn't he say so? He's being a coward. He knows he made a promise, now he doesn't want to keep it. The message is loud and clear....it's over. IMO you deserve better. His words never matched his actions, and actions speak louder than words. If he truly loved you he would have been more than supportive and had gone to the ends of the earth to do whatever you needed because that's what partners do.....you work together as a team. It looks like you are not living up to his standards....well he can stuff it. Don't keep texting him, just accept how things are and move on.

[Romantic_Antics]

I say, with time to think about things, he has made the decision to call it quits. Why doesn't he say so? He's being a coward. He knows he made a promise, now he doesn't want to keep it. The message is loud and clear....it's over. IMO you deserve better. His words never matched his actions, and actions speak louder than words. If he truly loved you he would have been more than supportive and had gone to the ends of the earth to do whatever you needed because that's what partners do.....you work together as a team. It looks like you are not living up to his standards....well he can stuff it. Don't keep texting him, just accept how things are and move on.

 

+1

 

You said what I couldn't.

[Terry8889]

Well I posted this last night, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt maybe he was busy and couldn't answer. I decided to add him back on FB and to my surprise he declined the request. Part of me knew what was going to happen but I went ahead and did it, silly me. Then in a last effort to try and get a response so I knew for sure what the hell was going on. For my own sanity, to close this chapter I decided to write him an email. It wasn't anything about being angry, but feeling confused and I thanked him bc he did support me whenever he could when I had other problems. The email in general was very friendly, I told him I still care about him, and loved him. But I had to say goodbye. 4 hours later he messages me on FB messenger saying just Hi, and asking how I was. He never addressed the email or "us". It was a very casual conversation. I didn't ask anything about us either bc I didn't want to start any tension. During the conversation I asked him if he would still like us to be friends on social media, and all he said was "Let's talk a bit over the Summer, I just want us both to have some space." I told him I understood, but I was actually feeling very confused. As I said I didn't want to start an argument. We continued the friendly talk and we agreed to feel free to message whenever we want. This whole situation left me even more confused. I know I should just move on but it is easier said that done. I am not going to just wait around for him to figure things out in his mind. But I cant help feeling confused.

[vintagemango]

I had a similar experience where I and my then partner broke up for issues he had going on in his life. He assured me this was just a temporary issue and that we could try again once he got his stuff together. Never heard from him again and a couple of my friends have run into his profile on two dating apps since. To me he just wanted to exit the relationship with as little fuss as possible while also not wanting to look like the bad guy and avoid telling me flat out he didn't want to continue with me anymore. In my experience, men are not good with confrontation. If he hasn't responded, move on.

[anduina]

It sounds like he's hiding something on Facebook. If you know anyone who's friends with him on Fb, ask them if he's posted pics of a girlfriend or women he's dating.

 

But my honest opinion is that you should let him go and fade away. You've got a lot of dating time left in your life and he's near the end.

[Sco]

I was a bit confused too at first, but after reading your second post where he responded back after you emailed him, it is very clear that he has moved on but can't bring himself to say it to your face.

 

It could be because he's a coward, or feel bad for you since you're still reaching out and haven't given up, or is presently seeing someone else and just trying it out to see. Either way he's done and it's not fair to put you thru this. Being stuck in limbo is the worst place to be.

 

I fault you not for not wanting to cross state and move in with a guy you barely know. This is an ominous move as you would be giving up everything. If anything I would have personally been more attracted to such girl, because to me it shows you have commons sense. I understand his point of view, but if he really loves you, IMO that's forgivable and could have met you half way - compromise - that's what people do in a relationship. Like all the others say above, this one is a wrap. There's someone else out there for you.

[Terry8889]

So since my previous update when he said he wanted us to have space and we would talk a bit over over the summer. He messaged me again last night stating that he doesn't hate me bc I said on the letter that I thought he did, bc he was ignoring me. He said that he was traveling when I messaged and that also it seemed like we want different things. I asked if there is someone new in his life and he said "No, I'm just trying to figure things out right now ". Then we changed the subject and that was it. Then early today I couldn't get out of my head the fact like I am being lead on in a way. I gathered the courage and messaged him to ask him if he thought we still have the chance to be together if not I didn't want to get hurt. That I wanted things to be clear so I don't keep my hopes up. He then said again that it seems like we want different things and my life is here where I am and he doesn't want me to sacrifice all what I've work for. He said his life is headed somewhere else and our plans don't like up. I told him we knew this from the very beginning. he said yes he knows but moving out of my state is not what I want bc everything I value is here. I told him that if that was his desicuon, there's nothing I can do. He said hes sorry and i asked if we could be friends. He said of course and that is why he suggested checking on one another over the summer. I asked him why puts focus only over the Summer and he said that is just a place to start, I said okay. And that was the end of the conversation. I honestly don't plan to just sit around and be sad I'll go out with friends and meet people but I do wonder what went wrong, my only guess rn is he got put off bc I didn't want to move with him. He is the type of person who takes things very personal and looks too much into things, very emotional, and doesn't forget easy. Anyway any last thoughts for me?

[d0nnivain]

Sorry for the pessimism but the combo of "space" & "friends" tell me he's not as invested as you are.

 

So live your life. Don't be the one chasing him. See what he does next. Absent the grand gesture, write him off.

[RecentChange]

It's over, the fantasy wore off.

 

It started fast and he was so in? Red flag, he was love bombing you, usually fizzels out as quickly as the fire ignited.

 

Long distance relationships are often made of fantasy. Without much in person time together, we build the other up into someone they aren't, the relationship into something it isn't.

 

Be glad it ended now, rather than after a foolish choice to move in together way too early.

[Purrrfect]

I thought no you need to delete him from your phone and scan and move on. Your relationship is over.

 

Trust me, communicating with him and following his FB will only make them big worse. You will stalk it and obsess over his every move.

 

You need to completely break free.

 

In time you will feel better. Breakups are hard.

 

Stop contacting him, ignore him, and take care of yourself.

[Devencianna]

I’m sorry this has happened to you! You’re still young (:

[smackie9]

You don't need it written out for you. Like I said before his actions were always hot/cold/questionable. You never had any solid foundation for a relationship with him. You caught strong feelings for him, he probably just wanted something light and easy, he's backing off. It's pretty clear to me that it's over. This "lets talk over the summer" is his way of letting you down easy, and hopes you will finally get the hint to move on.