Different work schedules

[Patrice]

Hi,

 

I have been seeing someone for a few months. He is a chef in a restaurant (so is busy working late on Friday and Saturday night). My work schedule is M-F 7:30 to 3pm. I met him at his work for brunch on Saturday morning last week, then did not see him again until Wednesday - he was working most of the day and into the evening. He calls me every night, and we talk until I have to get to sleep. Last night, he asked me to stop over to a pub - we had talked about getting together on Wednesday, when my work day was done. I went, and he was there with another chef from his job, and they sat and talked about work the entire time. He called me babe, grabbed my hand, but it was like I was alone in a crowd. I ended up saying, I was heading home after a few hours, paid my own bill. He at first said "NO", but I said I had to get up early. He did walk me out, hugged and kissed me, and said he needed to meet with the other chef to heal some things at work. I said, "go heal em". He is texting me today, and said he feels we are on the cusp of something .. I asked "what do you mean", he replied "he just wants to be the right man for me". I think he senses I felt out of place last night, and vaguely disappointed, that after not spending any time for days, his free evening was taken up with work related stuff, while I was there ... thoughts? What should I say?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I am friends with a lot of people that work in food service, including a few cooks and chefs. Those people are BUSY. When most people have the day off, chefs have to work extra. It is a lot for some people to handle.

 

I agree.

 

I used to own a small restaurant many years ago and the hours are ridiculously long and forget about weekends or holidays. Money can be quite good but there is definitely a sacrifice to be had for it.

 

Unless you're working the same shifts or in the same industry it can be very challenging to be in a relationship with someone like this. Especially if they're any good at their job.

 

As for advise on what to say, I guess you need to really think about what you want from him and this relationship.

 

How long have you been dating? How often do you see one another and do fun boyfriend/girlfriend things? You should also ask yourself; if this is the best it will ever be, is it good enough? If the answer is "No" then you should probably move on.

 

Beginning of relationships tend to be when people show their best sides and make monumental effort. If it's hard now, it will only get harder the longer you're together and the more comfortable he gets with you.

 

Something to seriously ponder.

[Patrice]

I work in a school, so I get long breaks off. When I work, I work hard too. Just the thought of sitting at home every Friday and Saturday night, is something I'm not sure I want to do. He offered to give me a key to his place, so I could be there when he gets home. I think he is career driven, so am I. That may change in a few years, as I'm thinking of finishing my school career. Boyfriend/Girlfriend things - I have not slept with him, we are into this maybe 2 months. He has cooked me dinner at his place, and he has seen mine. Mostly, when we go out - it's a place where he knows a lot of people, and I think he has invited them there to check me out - which has gone fine. Another thought, he cooked me dinner on a weeknight - I had to leave as I get up at 5:30am - he wanted me to stay. Before I could answer, he called his sister in the middle of the time we had to spend together. I don't know. I have not texted him back, or called him. I know he likes me a lot too. I think what I need to say, is if we have limited time together, I would like to spend that time alone with you to get to know eachother. If it's going to be going to places where he knows everybody, and I don't - I think I'm putting more into this.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think that's fair. If alone time with him is few and far between I don't think its wrong to let him know you would like his undivided attention. I don't think that's a lot to ask. How else can you really get to know someone otherwise.

 

Being career driven and ambitious is great and admirable but it's no excuse for being self absorbed and inconsiderate of others especially someone you're trying to date. If that's the case stay single.

 

Its all about having and maintaining balance.

 

It doesn't sound like you're being greedy or needy about his time. You just want the time you do get to spend together to be quality time. Again, not asking for too much.

 

Let him know how you feel and see what he does. His actions once he knows will tell you everything you need to know.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Michelle ma Belle

[Patrice]

We shall see, and I think I'm being fair.

[smackie9]

He seems to really like you, and you really like him. If you expect anything to work here, YOU need to communicate honestly with him and definitely not through text. Either face time, or talk to him in person. Make it real.

[BaileyB]

Just the thought of sitting at home every Friday and Saturday night, is something I'm not sure I want to do.

 

I don't blame you, I would feel the same way.

 

Working opposing shifts puts a strain on any relationship. It was the same for my good friends (she worked in the restaurant industry), she loved her job but ultimately left to find another with better shifts to save her marriage.

 

It also sounds like he is a little inconsiderate - maybe he has different thoughts on what it means to spend "quality time together..." You need to voice your opinion and tell him that the distractions are... distracting.

[Patrice]

up at 5:30. He got home at 11pm ... works tonight. I am off for the next ten days. I did tell him via text last night - I needed more time alone with him, to get to know him better. Still haven't heard anything today, I'll continue on and if it's gonna work it will, if not it won't.

[BaileyB]

I once went out with someone who was a health care administrator. I can't remember his exact hours, but he has long days... Said he would often work until 10 or 11 pm and then go to the GYM after work. He wouldn't get home until the wee hours of the morning and the next day, he would do the same thing.

 

He asked me if I was a "night owl." He didn't seem to see any problems with this schedule such that he was offering to make any changes... So, he didn't get past the first interview... That kind of schedule doesn't jive with my 8-4, in bed by 10 lifestyle...

[Patrice]

Has changed since I last wrote. He said something strange to me a few weeks ago - asked if I was seeing other people when he wasn't around. I told him no, which is the truth - he's either very insecure or selfish. I have a wedding coming up next month in Seattle, and he voiced that he would like to go, but hasn't made any effort to get a ticket - and I've asked about four times. I'm not sure if it's money issues or just what. Physically, no sex - has said he has a hydrocele on a testicle and he is embarrassed about it. I offered to go with him to get it looked at - that hasn't happened. So I really don't think this is progressing. I don't think he is happy with his job, but isn't really doing anything to change it. I feel like I get grubby exhausted man, and he is Mr. Wonderful at work. We had a fight last night, and haven't spoken today. I think I'm just going to let it be for a few days and figure out if this is something I want.