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Men have too much expectation...


Hopeful30

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I find that when I go on dates or meet new men, I'm laid back and easy going. I laugh, I joke. For some reason they all assume this means I'm into them and want to take things further, when the truth is this is my personality.

 

It's hard to maintain friendships with dudes this way too, because they think I'm sending "mixed signals" when im just treating them with the same openness and kindness that I treat all my friends.

 

This makes it hard to meet men, because everyone thinks I'm flirting with everyone. Since when don't people just hang out for no reason anymore! :(

 

I'm another full year being single. All my friends continue to prioritize marriages and children, while I have trouble finding someone just to hang out with.

 

I'm online dating but absolutely nothing had come of that. Plenty of great guys but all very unattractive, and sex to me is important so there needs to be some attraction there.

 

What's a girl like me to Do? Help!

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You sort of contradict yourself here, Hopeful. Or at least what you wrote is hard to follow.

 

In the first few paragraphs you talk about guys in your "friends-zone" wanting to date you (because they seem to think they have a shot). You even title your thread 'Men have too much expectations'.

 

Then later on--your 3rd paragraph in--you seem to be wondering why can't you find anyone to date :confused:

 

Anyway RE your 3rd paragraph I'm not seeing how hanging out w one of your guy friends whom you aren't interested in romantically, will help you meet Mr Right. You already seemed to imply you want your friends to realize you're just friends, and guys are even less likely to approach you if you have another dude around--even if he is just a friend.

 

Meanwhile I'd imagine a flirty personality would only help you meet men, no?

Edited by Imajerk17
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It's perfectly normal for a person to believe that if our date laughs and jokes and has a flirty personality that they are into us. And yes, even if they are "just friends", it's perfectly normal for them to get confused and think you're actually interested. My take away from this is that men find you engaging, attractive and interesting.

 

Meanwhile, you say that everyone online is unattractive.

 

So in a nutshell, you have lots of men who find you attractive, but you're not attracted to the men. Sounds to me like the problem lies with you. I think you might need to broaden your mind a little and look past the skin deep.

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I find that when I go on dates or meet new men, I'm laid back and easy going. I laugh, I joke. For some reason they all assume this means I'm into them and want to take things further, when the truth is this is my personality.

 

 

So you are going on dates and act nice but expect guys not to think you like them?

I really can't understand your goal here.

Also it all has to do with the title of this topic?

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newyorker11356

Yeah, I don't get this topic at all.

 

You're doing online dating. If you go out with somebody you met on there, it's expected that it's a "date."

 

If you simply want to just hang out, then you should probably note that you're looking for new friends, not date.

 

You also say that they're all unattractive. I'm assuming you've seen pictures of these guys online before you go out with them, yes?

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Why don’t you ask out men that you find attractive instead of accepting dates from those who aren’t attractive?

 

And do you think your friends husbands and boyfriends are attractive? Because if they’re not, then you have nothing to be jealous about.

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If everyone thinks you're doing one thing, and you think you're doing something completely different, then you're outvoted and probably doing what they say.

 

Maybe start to consider the fact that on some level you like to get guys interested and then shut them down. Maybe you're just not interested in real intimacy but like the attention. Whatever is going on if you have no real self awareness it's going to be very difficult being with someone.

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newyorker11356
If everyone thinks you're doing one thing, and you think you're doing something completely different, then you're outvoted and probably doing what they say.

 

Maybe start to consider the fact that on some level you like to get guys interested and then shut them down. Maybe you're just not interested in real intimacy but like the attention. Whatever is going on if you have no real self awareness it's going to be very difficult being with someone.

 

Heck, I feel like I went on one date with a woman like this in the past. She showed all signs she was into me, then she completely disappeared and ghosted right after.

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I think you are right. People have so many "rules" about interactions between men and women these days, its stupid. The answer is to let your personality shine and don't let society get you down. Find other's who are in the same mood as you are. Flirt with everyone if you feel like it! Break the damn rules and let people watch you do it ,so they can learn something.

 

From a guys perspective, hanging out with women is great. I enjoy the range of social interactions from silly fun to serious mind-heart conversations about life. Other times the clothes just come off and there is not much talking..

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It sounds like you go on dates with men when you really want a friendship with said men because your not attracted to them.

 

If you are meeting these men on a dating site then they are expecting a possible romantic relationship and you really just want to hang out and do things.

 

You should not accept dates with men if you don't see them in a romantic role. To do so is disingenuous. Don't be upset with the men when they are looking for love.

 

Flirting and being fun and spontaneous is fine if that is your personality but to not be truthful about your intentions and lead them on is hurtful.

 

Date men you have a possible romantic interest in and then the confusion will disappear.

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I find that when I go on dates or meet new men, I'm laid back and easy going. I laugh, I joke. For some reason they all assume this means I'm into them and want to take things further, when the truth is this is my personality.

 

Um...that's kind of the whole POINT of dating. You enjoy, laugh, have fun, get to know them, and YES, there is the expectation that you're into them...otherwise, why would you go on a date AT ALL? Of course the idea is to take things further...every time...whether it's just sex or future relationship, there is some expectation. If you don't want the hookup, obviously you'll put a stop to advances. If you didn't hit it off and aren't interested in dating this guy further, you have to break it off.

 

This isn't a mystery. When you go out on a date, there is an expectation of relationship or "taking it further." I don't understand why this confuses you.

 

It's hard to maintain friendships with dudes this way too, because they think I'm sending "mixed signals" when im just treating them with the same openness and kindness that I treat all my friends.

 

You can't control their interpretation if you're treating them equally. Maybe you need to be more careful about your demeanor and interaction...see below...

 

This makes it hard to meet men, because everyone thinks I'm flirting with everyone. Since when don't people just hang out for no reason anymore! :(

 

If "everyone" thinks you're flirting, you probably need to look at yourself and your behavior when it comes to opposite gender interactions. You may need to tone down your enthusiasm or certain behaviors with men. Do you have certain behaviors with men that you don't exhibit with women? Like, you're more inclined to touch an arm while speaking to a man, but never extend the same touch with women friends...subtle behaviors. It's not uncommon to have attraction to opposite gender friends and acquaintances, not that you're interested in a relationship or wishing to act on it, but if there is a level of attraction, are you exhibiting flirtatious behavior?

 

On that, let's just say you're a very touchy person, and you very often touch an arm when speaking to people, male or female, so it's not unusual for you to do this, but it has an opposite "meaning" when it comes to opposite gender, as in the man interprets it a different way, that you're romantically interested. It could also be that outside observers see this behavior as flirting, even though you touch women's arms too, when you do it to a man, you're flirting. Maybe change or tone down your behavior when it comes to platonic men.

 

If you're seen as flirting with these men by "everybody," you do need to investigate why this is so and adjust accordingly.

 

I have been accused of flirting when I was doing no such thing. Sometimes you just need to be a bit more reserved and tone it down in certain instances.

 

I'm another full year being single. All my friends continue to prioritize marriages and children, while I have trouble finding someone just to hang out with.

 

If you're looking for opposite gender buddies, maybe a hobby group or on the dating profile, state you're seeking friendship only...meetup groups? Do you not seek female companionship? I mean, you're complaining about not meeting a guy, but yet you're upset these guys you meet want a relationship and expect it, which is what dating is for, so I don't know what it is you're really after - friends, boyfriend, potential husband, male buddies?

 

I'm online dating but absolutely nothing had come of that. Plenty of great guys but all very unattractive, and sex to me is important so there needs to be some attraction there.

 

What's a girl like me to Do? Help!

 

Keep trying until you find one. Stop and take a break when you need to.

 

Decide what you want because I'm confused. Do you want male buddies or do you want a BF and marriage? Do you want to hang on to all your old dates and BFs and be pals with them while you move on to the next potential mate?

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You can't find a man because you are wasting your time with these guys that don't do anything for you. If you need to "hang out" with someone, make some new female friends that are single or one of your married friends that needs a night out. You are just making excuses. Time to cut the cord on male friends, it's not working for you sorry.

 

You go out on dates with men you find attractive, not because they simply have asked you out. And make the date a coffee date so you can cut it short and get the f out of there if they are not doing it for you. Don't be sitting around having some laughs, entertaining yourself when you have no interest in them. That's not what they are there for.

 

Basically you need change the way you interact with guys you clearly don't have an interest in. They are not looking for a friend or a buddy, they are looking for a woman to have sex with. This is their end goal. So keep that in your head when you meet these guys.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Add me to the list of people not getting what it is that you actually want. Do you want to date or not?

 

I do understand that it can be frustrating going on a date with someone you don't end up being interested in, and them not understanding why since you were "so nice."

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You can't find a man because you are wasting your time with these guys that don't do anything for you. If you need to "hang out" with someone, make some new female friends that are single or one of your married friends that needs a night out. You are just making excuses. Time to cut the cord on male friends, it's not working for you sorry.

 

You go out on dates with men you find attractive, not because they simply have asked you out. And make the date a coffee date so you can cut it short and get the f out of there if they are not doing it for you. Don't be sitting around having some laughs, entertaining yourself when you have no interest in them. That's not what they are there for.

 

Basically you need change the way you interact with guys you clearly don't have an interest in. They are not looking for a friend or a buddy, they are looking for a woman to have sex with. This is their end goal. So keep that in your head when you meet these guys.

 

Ditto again!!! Smackie, you keep beating me to the punch lately!?!

Edited by PRW
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Having a bunch of male friends, orbiters and hangers on will definitely obstruct other guys. Less confident ones will be discouraged by the possible boyfriend and more confident ones just won't want the drama.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Having a bunch of male friends, orbiters and hangers on will definitely. Less confident ones will be discouraged by the possible boyfriend and more confident ones just won't want the drama.

 

Exactly.

 

I was with a woman at an event that I had went out with on a 1st date with earlier (this event was not a date). After the event we were going out to our cars that were parked next to each other. My plan was to set the 2nd date when we got back to the cars in private because I don't think that is anyone else's business, plus I didn't want to put her on the spot in front of people, and I wanted to allow her the easy freedom to say no if that was her response. But this orbiter lingered around us the whole time of the even and even followed us to the cars even though he was parked at the opposite end. The guy flapped his mouth the entire time (mostly toward her) and never took a breath. I would not to set the date in front of him because it is none of his business. But he never shut up and left, and she never cut him off, so I just told her I'd talk to her later and left.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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mortensorchid

In my experience, with the OLD and the pre-OLD world, I meet guys who want a woman who is lesser than they are. Lesser personality, charisma, career success, less attractive in the looks/body department, etc. Why? They want to feel superior to them and to be taken care of in some ways which I will not do. Often times it's a rebound, and that girl who I am replaced with ends up being quite trashy, recognizes the situation before her, and she takes full advantage of the situation.

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salparadise
I find that when I go on dates or meet new men... they all assume this means I'm into them and want to take things further... all very unattractive

 

When was the last time you met a guy that you did consider attractive?

 

After sorting through the contradictions, it seems that you go on dates yet don't find anyone attractive. You laugh, joke, and flirt with these guys you find unattractive, but expect them to understand that you aren't interested. You are frustrated that they're so clueless and still try move things forward.

 

The missing piece here is about the few you do find attractive. Tell us about them and why you aren't dating them instead.

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Everything has been said.

 

 

* You're on a dating site to find a boyfriend not to make male-friends.

 

* When you come out of a 1st meeting and the man isn't dating-worthy to you then text him It was nice meeting I don't feel enough chemistry to continue but good luck to you in your search.

 

* What you are doing right now is considered misleading. You don't tell them you're not interested in dating them and continue interacting with them. These men don't have time to waste, no more than you do. Have some respect for that as well.

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