I think my girlfriend might be stealing from me?

[veggie]

Hey all!

 

In my last post here (November) I explained the difficulties I was facing with my girlfriend due to our different expectations regarding a trip that I/we were planning for this year. The thread ended with the information that my girlfriend relapsed after four years of being clean off heroin ...

 

As expected, things haven't been easy since, she relapsed again in January, but she assures me she has been clean for the last two months. She's been having a hard time but I really thought she was fighting to stay clean ... We also ended up agreeing to travel together for three months this year, the drama (although still existent) has become less frequent and I thought we might make it through these difficult times together ...

 

So here comes the thing: We are both very distracted people and lose a few belongings every once in a while. So when I first noticed that two 20€ bills disappeared from an envelope that I was keeping in my room with some money, my first thought was that I had miscalculated or spent them without realising... However, a few weeks later a 10 euro bill disappeared from my coat and two weeks later another 20 euros ... That's a whole lot of money to disappear just due to my usual disorientation (even for me). I started to suspect that my girlfriend might have something to do with, because she was the only person around just before the money disappeared. The next day I casually mentioned that I lost 20 euros, to which she replied that she recently lost 5 euros too (trying to make losing money seem normal?) and I sort of shrugged it off. However, I couldn't get rid of this nagging feeling, so today when she came over, I left some coins on the table in my room and counted them. When she was leaving I noticed that there was 1€ missing (it was the only 1€ coin in between some smaller coins). I asked her whether she had taken it from the table (big mistake, I think), to which she reacted very upset. She started looking for it on the floor and on my bed and of course it ended up appearing under the sheets, just where she was looking... The table is one meter away, it couldn't possibly have fallen under my sheets! When I found it, she stormed away, upset with me that I could ever imagine her stealing one euro from me. She says she's angry and sad and doesn't know how to move on from this. I haven't confronted her about all the money that kept disappearing yet. Part of me is worried that I'm the crazy one, as I really am very chaotic. We've been together for more than a year, I just can't believe that she would steal from me ... but then again, if she's lying to me about being clean, anything is possible. And I can't believe that I just lost money on four occasions in the last two months. I'm meeting her tomorrow and my question is, should I bring this up and how?

Edited March 9, 2018 by veggie

[RecentChange]

my girlfriend relapsed after four years of being clean off heroin ...

 

she relapsed again in January,

 

So when I first noticed that two 20€ bills disappeared

 

another 20 euros

 

I left some coins on the table in my room and counted them.

 

The table is one meter away, it couldn't possibly have fallen under my sheets!

 

Part of me is worried that I'm the crazy one

 

The only thing crazy here, is believing an heroin addict isn't stealing from you, and that coins can magically walk, and put themselves under sheets.

 

She is lying to you, probably constantly, and its making you question your own sanity.

 

Her over the top reactions? That is her guilt showing.

[Zahara]

Addicts lie, they lie a lot. I'm not saying she is but the potential is high. My father was an alcoholic. Money always went missing. God forbid you pointed the finger at him. The defensive walls would come up. He needed any little bit he could find to get his fix.

 

What is she doing to work on managing her addiction? She's relapsed twice in 5 months -- if I am reading your post correctly.

 

I think bringing this up is the least of your problems. You'll keep having to deal with all sorts of issues and the pain of her addiction indefinitely.

[Highndry]

I remember an old neighbor, who had to adopt his nephew because his sister was a junkie, telling me that you can't trust them - EVER. He said she would steal from anybody, anywhere, anytime. There was nothing sacred that she would not steal.

 

I would end this relationship if I were in your position. Of course, I don't have it in me to even start a relationship with an ex-junkie.

[Noproblem]

This is a lost cause!

 

She is going to relapse and relapse until she ruins your life and her life.

 

 

Let her go.

 

 

You can be just her friend to support her if you want, but not her lover!

[veggie]

Thanks for your replies!

 

I would end this relationship if I were in your position. Of course, I don't have it in me to even start a relationship with an ex-junkie.

 

Well, she just broke up with me over text, because I thought she might have stolen the 1 euro... After reading her text, I couldn't hold it in any longer and talked about all the other money that went missing. I told her I'm not accusing her of anything and that I probably just lost the money, but that I couldn't help but wondering and that I was worried about her lying to me about being clean. She replied saying she would never lie to me nor steal from me and that she never wants to talk to me again. I thought four years of sobriety were a long time, but probably I was just naive. And now I just feel so disappointed and used. I go from feeling that the last 16 months were nothing but a lie to questioning my own sanity, as RecentChange put it (was there really 1 euro on the table? Didn't I just lose the money on the three other occasions?) and it's all very confusing. I'm in shock. There was a lot of drama in our relationship, but at the same time she's the sweetest person I know, she really made me feel special and loved.

 

What is she doing to work on managing her addiction? She's relapsed twice in 5 months -- if I am reading your post correctly.

 

 

Yes, two times in the last 4 months, that I know about. She's refusing any sort of professional help, because last time (four years ago) she made it out on her own. And to be honest, the professional help for addicts in my country is far from being good, so I kind of get where she's coming from. She is excercising a lot, meeting friends, going to work, keeping her mind busy. She seemed to have it under control.

Edited March 9, 2018 by veggie

[smackie9]

Junkies are junkies forever. They can't rehab by themselves, they will forever have that craving, their brain is no longer and can never be "normal", they will forever lie, cheat and steal. The only reason she is still around you, is because you can be a source of money for her habit. Sorry but you can't do anything for her. Cut her loose...her problem isn't yours to deal with.

 

Professionals can only do so much, especially if the addict isn't in a locked down controlled environment

Edited March 9, 2018 by smackie9

[joseb]

My guess is she has stolen a lot more than you realise.

Dont question your sanity, she took it.

She did you a massive favour by breaking up, take your chance and run.

[Zahara]

Yes, two times in the last 4 months, that I know about. She's refusing any sort of professional help, because last time (four years ago) she made it out on her own. And to be honest, the professional help for addicts in my country is far from being good, so I kind of get where she's coming from. She is excercising a lot, meeting friends, going to work, keeping her mind busy. She seemed to have it under control.

 

Yep, another issue with addicts. They always have it under control. The resistance to get help is natural in their make up because it enables them to hold onto their addiction.

 

I'm sorry to say this but you should move on from her. Stealing money is just one of many symptoms which you'll have to endure if you stay. It's not going away.

[Gaeta]

Yes, two times in the last 4 months, that I know about. She's refusing any sort of professional help, because last time (four years ago) she made it out on her own. And to be honest, the professional help for addicts in my country is far from being good, so I kind of get where she's coming from. She is exercising a lot, meeting friends, going to work, keeping her mind busy. She seemed to have it under control.

 

She doesn't have it under control - she relapsed twice in 4 months. This is bigger than herself and bigger than you. Being clean 4 years is 'her' story.

[preraph]

You need to get out of the life of hard-core addicts. Of course she's stealing from you! No talking is going to change that. She's just saying what everyone wants to hear. Kicking heroin is superhard and you have to be very motivated and get locked up in rehab for some months to do it and have any chance of not relapsing and you have to have thorough psychotherapy to address any issues that are making you chose to mask your pain.

[S2B]

You have no way of knowing if she's clean.

 

She did you a favor by breaking up! Change the locks.

[bathtub-row]

I like to keep things simple. Hard drugs = dealbreaker. End of discussion. There is always the chance that they’ll relapse and I don’t want to be around when it happens. Hate to say it, but you should’ve dumped her back in Nov. And, yes, she is most likely stealing from you to support the drug habit that she’s lying to you about.

[kendahke]

Quite frankly, if someone steals from me and then puts on a performance and tries to insult my intelligence, that'd be the last time they ever saw me.

 

Good. She broke up with you. You're far better off. Never deal with junkies--they will always lie, cheat and steal for their habit, which is #1 on their priority list.

 

Oh, and the guilty always make the most noise.

Edited March 10, 2018 by kendahke

[Poutrew]

Change the locks on your doors. Now that she 'broke up' with you, she will not hold back in totally ripping you off. You will come home one day to find even the dust bunnies gone...