GF rooming with another guy

[7675]

My GF and I are both students at varsity.

At the start of the year, she was looking for a place for the year. She eventually told me she'll be getting a place with one of her female friends.

 

When they started moving in, I found out that she'll actually be staying with her friend and her boyfriend. I cautioned her about it, but it was already settled.

 

fast forward to about mid feb... her friend and her boyfriend have issues and break up. The place is actually leased under the boyfriend so he's not leaving. My girlfriend also can't leave.

 

Initially there was meant to be an agreement that all 3 of them will still stay there. But now my GFs friend has decided to move out as soon as she finds a place.

 

So essentially, my GF will be sharing a place with another guy for the rest of the year. I'm not sure how to react. There isn't much she can do about it, but i'm still not pleased that she'll be staying with another guy

[Marc878]

Not much you can do about it. I wouldn't like it either.

 

Not a good situation to be in that's for sure

[salparadise]

There's not much you can do about it either. If you make an issue of it you'll come off as clingy and insecure, and possibly contribute to the very thing you most fear.

 

Do you have a read on the guy and whether he and your girlfriend get along? Does your girlfriend hold good, firm boundaries, have strong ethics and trustworthiness? If so, I'd just tell her once without much expression that you aren't comfortable with the situation and prefer that she keep her distance... and then quit talking about it.

 

You can't control this but you can learn from it. Don't try to control what you can't, and you can observe how your girlfriend behaves. If she holds her boundaries, you gain confidence. If it all goes south, you dodged a bullet.

[7675]

I trust her. Guy I don't know at all really. But overall I'm chilled, I know she wouldn't outwardly do anything . And I certainly won't be in her face about it.

 

It's just that, things can always get tricky when guys and girls are forced to be close. If anything, she seems a bit naive to this fact.

[snowboy91]

I trust her. Guy I don't know at all really. But overall I'm chilled, I know she wouldn't outwardly do anything . And I certainly won't be in her face about it.

 

It's just that, things can always get tricky when guys and girls are forced to be close. If anything, she seems a bit naive to this fact.

 

I wouldn't say always. Sometimes, yes but not always. I agree mostly with salparadise, I think you should try and see whether you can gauge how your GF and this guy interact with each other. Better still, get to know this guy a little. If you can become satisfied that the dynamic between the two of them will only ever be that expected of housemates (and nothing more), then that might put your mind at ease.

[basil67]

I've had male flatmates who I wouldn't have touched with a 40ft pole. Getting up to mischief is not a given.

[Marc878]

Time will tell. She's only a gf. If it doesn't work out you move on.

 

From what I've seen and experienced most guys are sexually driven and if two are close for a period of time it can happen. I've seen it a lot. It doesn't mean it will but it definitely ups the chances.

 

To not be concerned would be naive.

 

I bet if you got a female roommate she probably wouldn't like it much either.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Marc878

[act00]

I've dated men with female roommates, and there was nothing there between them...nothing. I understand your reservations on this, but you have no reason to believe that these two will be a thing. I mean, this is her friend's boyfriend (ex), so it's really hands off. I do agree that you should pay attention to how they interact with each other, and if it's flirty, you have reason to worry and reason to break things off with her as well. This certainly does have the potential to erupt into an affair, and there's nothing you can do about it. Keep in mind, this is her friend's exboyfriend. I can't imagine getting involved with my friend's exboyfriend. Sure, the potential is there, but do you really think she would? Do you have reason to think she might cheat on you?

 

I would find the situation very uncomfortable. I move in with my friend and her boyfriend, they break up, and my friend moves out. Here I am living with my friend's ex...that would stink. But if you're stuck in a lease, you have to ride it out or find someone who can sublet and take over. She's planning to move once the lease is up. Maybe the boyfriend wants her to move out as well, and he's feeling equally stuck. The friendship with the female friend might be a bit difficult as well due to the living arrangements. Has your girlfriend talked about that with you? Or is their friendship over now because she's still living with the ex?

 

Get to know this guy. Do you go to her place to hang out? Try not to make a stink out of it. If you badger her over it, guess who she'll be complaining to? It can cause some stress on your relationship. She's not going to want to have to constantly defend herself and prove her trustworthiness to you, and she could very well end the relationship over it. I think you've made your feelings known about the situation, and hopefully if you can spend a little more time at her place and get to know the guy and their dynamics, you'll feel more comfortable with the situation.

[salparadise]

Yea, since it's not under your control you can only find a better way to think and feel about it. I was trying to think about the conditions under which I'd be okay with it. Here's an extemporaneous list...

 

Something is more likely to happen between them if:

1. he's simply one of those guys that make women wet at first sight
   
2. the two of them happen to have (or develop) chemistry
   
3. she has a basic insecurity that results in sexualized interactions––need to be desired sexually as validation
   
4. he is naturally good at breaking through women's defenses, a smooth talker
   
5. they drink together, confide in each other, or sit together on the couch and watch netflix (soft boundaries)
   

 

Something is less likely to happen if (the inverse of above):

1. she is secure, dedicated to your relationship, and has a strong superego
   
2. there is no attraction or chemistry, and he does not naturally make women swoon
   
3. they don't socialize or create situations that allow feelings to develop
   
4. she is the virtuous type, strictly monogamous, considers sex to be special, has post-conventional moral development
   

 

Most guys will go for it if offered, some guys will push - even against resistance, and some guys are just so irresistible that women go weak in the knees (lucky bastards). So it's mostly going to be up to her. You said you trust her, so you might want to reinforce that thought to keep from worrying too much.

 

Here's another way of looking at it... don't think possessively, accept that most things in life are not permanent, and if your relationship should end due to such circumstances, then it would have ended anyway. Conversely, if this is a non-issue and your relationship continues to grow, then you'll understand that insecurity was not justified (your imagination), and the trust will be affirmed. Think of it as a growth opportunity regardless.

Edited March 4, 2018 by salparadise

[d0nnivain]

At this point, her living arrangements are settled. If you really hate it that much, break up with her. However, your better play would be to see how things unfold. Spend time with her. Don't act like a jealous, insecure cling-on but do make sure the guy housemate is aware of you & do occupy your GF's time in a positive way. Keep your eyes open. If you see things you don't like, investigate but otherwise play it cool. Trust your GF unless you are given express reasons not to.

[Sbla22]

This would be game over for me now. Not her fault necessarily but your gf staying with a guy hurt and needing a rebound? Close proximity all the time? Late night feelings shared? Forget it.