Our communication styles upsetting me - ?

[heregoesnothing]

I've been dating this man for about 5 months now. In person, he is attentive and affectionate. He's very articulated, smart, and has many things going for him. It has taken him a while to open up due to his turbulent past, which is why I try not to pry but just let him know he can talk to me anytime.

 

However, there seems to be a recocurring theme in our relationship where he cancels and asks to reschedule dates. This has happened 3 times in the span on 5 months. We're a bit older and I realize that life happens, things unexpectedly pop up that are out of our control, obligations, etc. My issue is the way he communicates this. I realize our relationship is still relatively new, and I would not expect his world to revolve around me or vice versa. But I can't help how it makes me feel. I feel a bit upset when this otherwise vibrant and social person shuts down when asked about the cancellations.

 

For example, in the beginning of the week we saw each other 3 days in a row. I figured that was a nice change of pace from the norm. Generally, we see each other once a week due to schedules and distance. He has expressed in the past he does need his own space at times. We all do. I get it. Yesterday, he asked to see me again this weekend, so we agreed on a time and place and I was excited to see him. This morning I get this text. This is how it went down:

 

Him: Would we be able to reschedule our date tonight?

 

Me: Something come up?

 

Him: Too much things to do today.

 

Me: What's your day going to look like?

 

Him: I can't hang out. Busy.

 

Me: [utterly confused why it's so hard to answer such a simple question] OK, I see.

 

End conversation.

 

I don't think I was nagging at this point. Maybe he interpreted it differently, but I was just trying to get an idea why he'd make plans with me the night before only to cancel the following day. Keep in mind his texting style has always been used more for logistics than actual conversation. The bluntness is something I've had to get used to. In person he is much more expressive.

 

What's upsetting me more than anything, is the lack of transparency on his end. I feel pushed away. Sometimes I feel like I am the first thing that gets knocked out of his schedule when something else in his life pops up. Most other times he's very outspoken and articulate, but in this particular case he just shuts down. I like him a lot, and at best, can only assume he's doing it out of ignorance. I'll give him space and he'll come around like nothing happened and explain later.

 

I realize men and women communicate differently and would like to come to a resolution together. I'm wondering if he even realizes how he is coming across. How can I address this next time it happens without being accusatory?

Edited March 3, 2018 by heregoesnothing

[stillafool]

He doesn't want to explain what he is doing that has him so busy. I would stop asking if I were you and just say okay and make other plans or just stop seeing him.

[hippychick3]

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to want to know what he is doing on a Saturday night that it caused him to cancel on you. That lack of transparency after 5 months together would not work for me.

[TheFinalWord]

I can see why that would bother you. However, I think you should have asked him directly, why he is unable to make it. You kind of beat around the bush, but in a way you are doing the same thing that he does (not being direct), which you stated bothers you.

[rightondude]

if he's articulate in everything else, but not his explanation of why he has to reschedule, that's a big red flag. You shouldn't have said "I see" ... cause you don't see! I understand not wanting to put someone on the spot and piss them off, but I doubt you're wanting to be a doormat and accept this kind of explanation, for anything, long term.

[mortensorchid]

Okay, MORE RULES TO LIVE BY as posted by me:

 

1) If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. You may never know what it is or is not, but if you continue to ignore it it will come back and bite you.

 

2) If he doesn't tell you an answer to a direct question (ex. Where were you last night?) or an indirect one (ex. You're busy doing what?), he's up to somethin somethin or getting ready to dump you.

 

Move on. Someone who doesn't communicate is not worth your time or energy.

[Lorenza]

I don't even cancel on my students or colleagues without offering an explanation even if it's completely irrelevant to them (like my cat getting sick and me needing to take him to the vet asap - they surely don't care about my cat, but at least they know the reason and don't just assume I'm lazy or have more fun things to do).

It's completely unacceptable to cancel on your romantic partner the way your boyfriend cancels and I'm completely on your side in this case. You should tell him that it's polite to offer an explanation and you'd appreciate that he does from now on.

[BaileyB]

Have you had the whole "we are exclusive, and officially in a relationship" talk yet?

 

IMO, it would be considerate for him to provide an explanation but not necessarily required if you are not officially in a relationship. If you are most definitely committed to each other, then I think you have every right to ask why he is cancelling. It may just be to catch up with work, but why would he not be willing to share this with you...

 

After 5 months together, I would think that you should have had this talk and he should be more transparent. I would tell him that this bothers you and see how he responds...