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I want to be friends with my hookup..


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Old 9th February 2018, 9:57 AM   #1
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I want to be friends with my hookup..

I have gone out a few times with this guy and we have a ton of fun..but I know it will never develop into anything because I would never trust him as a boyfriend and he was clear that he doesn't want to have a gf because of his career.

I simply want to spend time with him because its the kind of relationship I crave; laughing all the time, having fun, being affectionate, having sex. I love it. I can tell he gets uneasy thinking I want it to become something more, even though I have never said I wanted to. I just feel like guys who are single and want to stay single are always uneasy about the potential of their freedom getting compromised. He has been a bit disrespectful with planning to chill, not following through on plans ideas of things we should do together as well.

We have equally agreed how well we get along and how much we enjoy spending time together. It's just easy and throughout my life I have found it's rare to find people you truly get along with.

This morning after spending the night at his after a "netflix and chill" kinda thing I told him again how much I enjoy spending time with him. I then said that I want to spend more time with him and think we could become good friends. He agreed, but could have just been nice. Was that weird for me to do? I just want to be clear that I don't see this going anywhere in terms of a relationship, but still want to spend time with him because honestly…we only live once. I honestly believe that if we weren't hooking up we would've been friends…we are just very attracted to each other.

Hoping he doesn't make it weird now haha. I want to know if it was a good idea to lay it out and say that I see us being good friends and nothing more.
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Old 9th February 2018, 10:27 AM   #2
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Soo... why exactly didn’t you want him as a boyfriend again? Are you honest with yourself here? How will you feel when he starts to fall for another girl?
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Old 9th February 2018, 10:30 AM   #3
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I have a thread about a similar situation except from the guys perspective, because I’m a guy who is generally only interested in sex and not relationships. I really don’t have an answer for you other than the observation that this is the way the world is now. It used to be that you had to be married to get sex, but now with hookup apps etc, you don’t even have to be in a relationship to get sex. And so “lover boys” like me and this guy you describe who only want no strings attached sex and can get it are much more common.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:47 AM   #4
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Nothing weird about it. There are plenty of guys that enjoy having female friends.
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Old 9th February 2018, 12:30 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leehamilton View Post
He has been a bit disrespectful with planning to chill, not following through on plans ideas of things we should do together as well.

I think if you're trying to get him to prioritize you and respect you more this way you are going to be disappointed. Pretty sure he said yes because if he said no the sex might have been cut off. Plus saying no isn't nice. I'm sorry to say, but I don't believe that many men really do want to be friends with women. Only a few and they usually are easy to pick out because they are...friendly.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 9th February 2018 at 12:35 PM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 1:25 PM   #6
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I think the best that you can expect of this is friendly social acquaintances and meeting up when he's interested. If you can accept that your interaction will typically be on his terms and that he can and probably will drop off your radar at some point, go ahead.

It's difficult to imagine a solid friendship developing out of this..sometimes it can happen if there was long term acquaintanceship before you were sexually involved, but he probably has similar hook ups with women in different cities and makes it clear via his behavior that he doesn't consider the interactions significant. Hence his disrespect in regards to plans - he prioritizes his time over yours. If you like some aspects of him despite his selfishness than there's nothing wrong with staying in touch but don't be the 'cool' girl and pretend to be happy with a situation if you clearly want more.
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:27 PM   #7
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A guy who you spend a lot of time with and have sex with is your bf. Friends w benefits are usually acquaintances who you have sex with. If your Fwb is your good friend then you guys have probably been good friends for a while before you started having sex.

You have to be honest with yourself. You like this guy and actually want more from him than something casual. You want something more meaningful and fun. I don't think he'll be able to give you that. Just speaking from experience.
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:40 PM   #8
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You're sending mixed messages.

This:
Quote:
I simply want to spend time with him because its the kind of relationship I crave; laughing all the time, having fun, being affectionate, having sex.I then said that I want to spend more time with him and think we could become good friends. I still want to spend time with him
does not compute with:
Quote:
he was clear that he doesn't want to have a gf
I don't see this going anywhere in terms of a relationship
There is nothing to be concerned about here with his behavior--he's being consistent. You aren't.

What you're asking for is girlfriend perks--to be made a priority in his schedule and he's already told you he doesn't want to have a girlfriend--that's who you make time in your schedule for.

He sees you as a willing convenience or a FWB and is acting accordingly--you're shifting the parameters and you're going to find your feelings getting hurt if you don't apply the brakes and remember what he told you: "he was clear that he doesn't want to have a girlfriend".

While you both may have strong sexual attraction for one another, if his mind is bent towards not elevating your status with him, then what you have is what you're going to have and you'll have to be satisfied with that from him because he's already told you where his boundary is. If you push for more, you may find him not calling you like he used to because he now has to manage your expectations.
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Last edited by kendahke; 9th February 2018 at 3:02 PM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 3:49 PM   #9
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So, explain to me why you trust this guy enough to have sex with him, hang out with him, have fun with him, and be his best friend ... but not enough to make him your boyfriend? That all seems like a good bit of what a boyfriend is. Other than, say, living together and having a family and children, what is missing from this relationship that you would get out of a boyfriend?
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