Am i being stupid?

[Huhjtg]

So I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months now. It was a rough start because i have been cheated on before so when he asked me out i turned him down several times.

Finally after months of begging me, i give him a chance and so far things have been good.

 

But i still find it hard to trust him. Sometimes he’s on his phone in front of me and i see that he doesn’t talk to other girls.

 

Then sometimes i see him liking girls selfies on Facebook. I know social media isn’t a good indicator of someone’s loyalty. But it does make me self conscious considering i was already apprehensive.

 

The other day when i got to his house he said “i left my charger at my friends house so I’m just going to go ahead and turn it off” and i replied with “how convenient” because it just seemed like a good excuse To shut it off so he wouldn’t get caught.

After that he said “do you have a charger with you?” And i told him i had one outside in my car and he replied “oh well don’t worry about it then”

 

To me it just seemed sketchy. So later that night we got into a bit of an argument and i brought up him liking girls photos and him coincidentally turning his phone off when I’m around and here’s how it went.

 

“I’m not stupid, i can see you liking girls pictures”

“So what does that even mean?!?”

“And you turn your phone off when i come over”

*He takes his phone out and shows me that it’s dead and*

 

“So that’s what this is about? You think I’m out here cheating on you???”

at this point i started to feel kind of dumb. He went on to tell me that he wouldn’t have begged me to stay with him and give him a chance if he was just going to cheat on me. He told me he understands I’ve been hurt and I’m afraid and he’s afraid too because he’s been cheated on but that’s i need to trust him.

 

We talk it out and everything seemed fine but now it’s 10 and i haven’t heard from him since 8. Part of me trusts him and believes he wouldn’t do anything like that to me. But due to my past relationships i can’t help but hear the voices in the back of my head telling me he could be out doing something else.

 

Am i being completely crazy? Should i be suspicious? I don’t want to keep nagging him and asking him what he’s doing but I’m going crazy by overthink this.

[winny]

If you don't change your behavior you will end up ruining this relationship.

[Huhjtg]

If you don't change your behavior you will end up ruining this relationship.

 

I know and i am aware that i overthink things. So i try to convince myself that he’s not doing anything but i can’t stop myself from freaking out and i don’t know how to.

[Cookiesandough]

Depends. Are the likes innocent pics of friends/colleagues or pics of thirst traps?

Edited February 7, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Huhjtg]

Depends. Are the likes innocent pics of friends/colleagues or pics of thirst traps?

 

Just random pictures. Like selfies and one was a pic of a girl and her child

[dumbass2]

How long has it been since your last relationship where you were cheated on?

[Huhjtg]

How long has it been since your last relationship where you were cheated on?

 

Well I’ve only had 2 serious relationships and i was cheated on in both of them. One was when i was in high school and the other was when i was about 18. I’m 20 now

[basil67]

My goodness, you were horribly rude to him. Sarcasm like "how convenient" when he's given a perfectly good reason for doing something is just going to drive him away. I know he wants to work at gaining your trust, but there's only so much attitude he can take.

 

Did you ever apologise for a) being rude and b) accusing him of cheating? And following your apology, what steps will you put in place to prevent this from happening again?

[Maggie4]

Yes you're being stupid. What's the point of confronting him? I don't understand the rationale behind the nagging. Is it just to take it out on him because you feel crappy? You're not being smart. I'm all for keeping your eyes and ears open. But never accuse unless you have solid evidence.

 

Take for example the episode you described. If he's cheating and turned off the phone, etc. and you accuse/confront. What, he's gonna say "oh yeah you're right I'm cheating". That's not gonna happen! cos you've no evidence. You're not even fishing for evidence. And if he's not cheating, your behavior was just mean spirited and disrespectful. How humiliating for him!

 

When you make false accusations, you are telling the guy that you have low expectations, so he need not be his best, and even if he cheats, no big deal since you already expect it. And yeah, he'll think you're being stupid.

[Huhjtg]

My goodness, you were horribly rude to him. Sarcasm like "how convenient" when he's given a perfectly good reason for doing something is just going to drive him away. I know he wants to work at gaining your trust, but there's only so much attitude he can take.

 

Did you ever apologise for a) being rude and b) accusing him of cheating? And following your apology, what steps will you put in place to prevent this from happening again?

 

Yes i did apologize. We’ve talked about everything. He knows i have trouble trusting and his last ex cheated on him and got pregnant by some other guy so he has fears as well. That’s a big reason he’s so understanding. As of right now we are on good terms.

 

I know i overthink things but it feels nearly impossible for me to trust people anymore. Despite the fact that he has given me no reason to not trust him. I’ve talked to family and friends about this and they all tell me I’m being ridiculous so i try to convince myself that that is just the case and I’m overthinking but it still doesn’t stop me.

 

I know worrying and assuming is just going to drive him away and I’m terrified of that. But i don’t know how to make myself stop.

 

I have considered getting counseling or therapy to talk about some of my anxiety. However i wasn’t sure if that would solve anything either. I am still debating.

[joseb]

My goodness, you were horribly rude to him. Sarcasm like "how convenient" when he's given a perfectly good reason for doing something is just going to drive him away. I know he wants to work at gaining your trust, but there's only so much attitude he can take.

 

Did you ever apologise for a) being rude and b) accusing him of cheating? And following your apology, what steps will you put in place to prevent this from happening again?

 

Agree 100%.

I'm amazed he didn't walk out on the spot. I would have.

[justwhoiam]

Am i being completely crazy?

Just a tiny bit. But as you're a young girl, that's your excuse

 

Should i be suspicious?

I don't know if you "should". You have a right to feel the way you feel, just try to keep it in check.

 

Would he be OK with showing you his phone? If that's a no-no, it's either out of principle, or because there's something in there you'd better not see. At that point, you're free to decide for yourself.

[d0nnivain]

The past is running your present. Until you learn how to trust & stop seeing everything as suspicious you will make yourself crazy & ruin a good relationship

 

Your BF's phone died. That happens. It's not an excuse to prevent you from seeing him on the phone. The fact that your mind immediately went to a bad place is the problem.

 

I'm not saying to blindly trust but you can't keep assuming everything is bad. The problem lies with you not him

[act00]

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to constantly have to defend yourself against whatever is going on in your partner's head? Dare I say, you're not only going to drive him away, but you could very well drive him into the arms of another woman - a woman who is fun and relaxed and doesn't toss out accusations left and right, and when problems arise, they are real. Having to deal with this level of drama in a four-month relationship is not worth it. Do you realize what a breath of fresh air it is when you're not around to accuse him? When you can hang with friends and don't have to babysit, console, or justify?

 

Not every guy is a jerk. Unless this guy has given you an indication he's dipping his toes in multiple ponds, you need to back off your paranoia. He is not your exes. There are no guarantees that any guy you meet won't dump you for any number of reasons, and may also cheat. Take each person as if they are brand new. Recognize signs and flags, yes, but don't turn them into monsters because you had a monster under your bed once when you were 3.

[lurker74]

No idea if he's cheating or prepping to cheat. It doesn't matter. If you don't trust him, you don't have to justify why. Anytime I stop trusting someone, I end the relationship because trust is a required ingredient in love.

 

Now, if all you want to do is bang the guy, so be it. You don't need nearly as much trust there. But if you want an actual relationship, the lack of trust (either because you're paranoid or he's untrustworthy, or both) will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS kill a relationship.

 

By the way, no one ever promised that you wouldn't be hurt when you fall in love. That's the risk we all take. If you want to keep yourself from being hurt, the only way you can guarantee it is to not fall in love in the first place and that sounds much worse then getting hurt.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yes i did apologize. We’ve talked about everything. He knows i have trouble trusting and his last ex cheated on him and got pregnant by some other guy so he has fears as well. That’s a big reason he’s so understanding. As of right now we are on good terms.

 

I know i overthink things but it feels nearly impossible for me to trust people anymore. Despite the fact that he has given me no reason to not trust him. I’ve talked to family and friends about this and they all tell me I’m being ridiculous so i try to convince myself that that is just the case and I’m overthinking but it still doesn’t stop me.

 

I know worrying and assuming is just going to drive him away and I’m terrified of that. But i don’t know how to make myself stop.

 

I have considered getting counseling or therapy to talk about some of my anxiety. However i wasn’t sure if that would solve anything either. I am still debating.

 

It's definitely a good start. It certainly can't make things worse. You clearly have some serious baggage you keep taking with you into each relationship. Until you unpack that bag and deal with the issues that haunt you, you will never have a healthy relationship.

[Jj66]

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to constantly have to defend yourself against whatever is going on in your partner's head? Dare I say, you're not only going to drive him away, but you could very well drive him into the arms of another woman - a woman who is fun and relaxed and doesn't toss out accusations left and right, and when problems arise, they are real. Having to deal with this level of drama in a four-month relationship is not worth it. Do you realize what a breath of fresh air it is when you're not around to accuse him? When you can hang with friends and don't have to babysit, console, or justify.

 

^^^^^^^ This ^^^^^^^

 

You are making your boyfriend more susceptible to a woman who comes along and treats him well. He may not cheat, but he absolutely will break up with you to be able to be with someone who makes him feel free and energetic instead of oppressed and exhausted.

 

He has his own insecurities. That's probably the only reason he has put up with this drama for so long. Most self-respecting men wouldn't.

 

I don't know if it's salvageable at this point but if it is, you have to salvage it by changing the way you think and especially the way you treat him.

[basil67]

Counselling is a great idea. For two reasons:

 

1. The therapist will give you the tools to deal with your anxieties and not let them rule you or ruin the relationship. Make sure you find a therapist who gives you those tools!!

 

2. It shows your boyfriend that you're determined to change your behaviour. Bad behaviour can be easier to deal with if you know the person is actively working towards preventing it from happening again.