Kentucky Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) I went on a date, it lasted three hours, we hit it off, hugged passionately, and she told me to text her when I got home. We don't live in the same area so I came to her, about a 100 mile drive, and I changed time zones. When I got home, I texted her immediately, and told her I had a great time and that we should do it again soon and she said sure. She's an introvert, so I try to only text her every few days unless she initiates. Two days later she texted me asking me how my week was going. (I was going to text the same thing later that evening). We did a little small talk and I asked her out again two messages later and got things rolling. We made arrangements, I offered to come back to her town again, she said she wanted to take me to a restaurant I might enjoy, and we're going to a movie since our first date was more for an extrovert. I'm picking her up at her place. She said she appreciated the chivalrous gesture of me driving to her area again even though she offered to come to me this time. I'll let her come to me if there's a third date. My question is would it be wrong if I asked her to help pay for some of the date? Or, should I not let her pay for anything. I kind of got the hint that she was taking me to this restaurant. Knowing her sweet and caring personality, I think she wants to help pay, she kind of hinted at getting her purse out on our first date, however, I made sure to get my wallet out immediately, and she didn't stop me. I think we're both at a lost on how we should approach it. It's pretty obvious we both like each other. Lastly, we met on a religious website, so keep that in mind when answering. I'm inclined to pay again, but I'm not going to stop her if she feels like it's her turn. Edited February 1, 2018 by Kentucky Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 My question is would it be wrong if I asked her to help pay for some of the date? Or, should I not let her pay for anything. There is no "right" or "wrong" answer. Everyone has different opinions on these things. My suggestion is, if you're an American male, always be prepared to pay for everything, and if by chance she wants to pay for something, great. I kind of got the hint that she was taking me to this restaurant. You could just be going there because she knows it and thinks you might like it, not because she's paying. You could be right, but you don't know. Knowing her sweet and caring personality, I think she wants to help pay, she kind of hinted at getting her purse out on our first date, however, I made sure to get my wallet out immediately, and she didn't stop me. Inconclusive. If she had a sweet, caring, personality, why didn't she offer to pay the first time? I wouldn't jump to conclusions here. Bring your wallet. I think we're both at a lost on how we should approach it. You really shouldn't be. Just pay for everything if you want to be safe. Men got the short end of the stick on this one. Just gotta deal with it, in my opinion. It's a battle we're never gonna win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Play it by ear. If I was paying, I would say right off the top to put your wallet away, my treat. See what she says. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 Do not ASK her to pay. She should, and probably will, offer. If she doesn't, you can decide after you go home whether or not you want to try a third date. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 If she offers to pay for dinner, thank her and say you'll get the movie (and do it). If she doesn't at least offer to pay either the dinner or the movie, then you probably will be paying the vast majority of your dates out going forward, unless she tells you explicitly it'll be her treat next time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Why is it that Men today are just waiting to not have to pay for a date IMO, Men should pay for the First Date the Second and any after that until enough time has passed that the Woman feels comfortable enough to pay.. and even then the Man should still pay.. We as Men have to show a Woman that we can take the lead.. lead her and take care of her.. of course that is a little aged thinking but it is still mostly valid today.. I can't EVER remember not paying for every date I have been on in my almost 55 years of being on this earth... Oh.. and don't forget to open her car door and the doors to the buildings you enter and exit with her... My gosh... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 A gentleman offers to pay, a modern lady attempts to chip in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Why is it that Men today are just waiting to not have to pay for a date I think bc a lot are multi dating on the internet and it can get very expensive. I feel like since you keep driving out to her she should at least chip in something....I would start to question her manners if I were a guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Why is it that Men today are just waiting to not have to pay for a date IMO, Men should pay for the First Date the Second and any after that until enough time has passed that the Woman feels comfortable enough to pay.. and even then the Man should still pay.. We as Men have to show a Woman that we can take the lead.. lead her and take care of her.. of course that is a little aged thinking but it is still mostly valid today.. I can't EVER remember not paying for every date I have been on in my almost 55 years of being on this earth... Oh.. and don't forget to open her car door and the doors to the buildings you enter and exit with her... My gosh... Give me a break. I'm sorry, but if a working woman I'm dating never offered to pay once for anything, I'd wonder if she's using me or really that into me. It has nothing to do with the guy not wanting to pay for a date. The girl I'm dating and talking to now, I paid for the first date (bar with some appetizer food) and second date (movie and dinner). When we had the third date, she told me that it'd be her treat since I have paid for everything up to that point. Even my mom was impressed when I told her this. Basically said that she isn't a woman that expects the guy to always pay for her and that she can occasionally pay as well. Edited February 2, 2018 by newyorker11356 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Give me a break. No thanks.. you seem to get those while dating It's always been my experience that most Women do ask to chip in or go dutch but I have never not paid for a date.. ever.. you don't have to accept their offer and can still pay anyhow.. It's one of the things we as men have that helps us put our best foot forward.. why not do it, isn't dating about trying to put our best foot forward ? Sorry you don't feel that being chivalrous is worth it, it's such a cool thing to do.. I know even after being married almost 11 years my wife still appreciates the chivalrous manner in how I approach life and relationships... I can't open the car door as much as I used to but that is because my Son needs help too and it doesn't work out at times. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Honestly, doesn't matter really. Just see how it goes. It is just a freaking second date and as a friend of mine told me once, if you hit it off it is irrelevant who pays. If I were her though, I'd have probably paid for both if the guy had to drive 200 miles both ways. She may want to do that, don't stop her if so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 No thanks.. you seem to get those while dating It's always been my experience that most Women do ask to chip in or go dutch but I have never not paid for a date.. ever.. you don't have to accept their offer and can still pay anyhow.. It's one of the things we as men have that helps us put our best foot forward.. why not do it, isn't dating about trying to put our best foot forward ? Sorry you don't feel that being chivalrous is worth it, it's such a cool thing to do.. I know even after being married almost 11 years my wife still appreciates the chivalrous manner in how I approach life and relationships... I can't open the car door as much as I used to but that is because my Son needs help too and it doesn't work out at times. Nah, has nothing to do with breaks. Most normal working women that enjoy the person they're dating will offer to pay (and even insist on occasion). Chivalrous? Lol, the woman I'm currently dating isn't complaining about me not being chivalrous, I can tell you that much 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 No thanks.. you seem to get those while dating It's always been my experience that most Women do ask to chip in or go dutch but I have never not paid for a date.. ever.. you don't have to accept their offer and can still pay anyhow.. It's one of the things we as men have that helps us put our best foot forward.. why not do it, isn't dating about trying to put our best foot forward ? Sorry you don't feel that being chivalrous is worth it, it's such a cool thing to do.. I know even after being married almost 11 years my wife still appreciates the chivalrous manner in how I approach life and relationships... I can't open the car door as much as I used to but that is because my Son needs help too and it doesn't work out at times. You're a rare breed. Your wife is a lucky lady. . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kentucky Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Why is it that Men today are just waiting to not have to pay for a date IMO, Men should pay for the First Date the Second and any after that until enough time has passed that the Woman feels comfortable enough to pay.. and even then the Man should still pay.. We as Men have to show a Woman that we can take the lead.. lead her and take care of her.. of course that is a little aged thinking but it is still mostly valid today.. I can't EVER remember not paying for every date I have been on in my almost 55 years of being on this earth... Oh.. and don't forget to open her car door and the doors to the buildings you enter and exit with her... My gosh... Art Critic, I normally wouldn't bring it up. I'd always pay for the second date and if she was coming to me, I'd pay, there'd be no other option. However, since there's some distance involved, and I am coming out to her again, I wanted some opinions because she did hint at possibly helping out on our first date. I don't want to scare a girl away because I don't let her pay at all. I do firmly believe at some point it needs to be a two-way street. As for opening car doors and door to building, that's common sense to me. I'd hope every guy does that. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Art Critic, I normally wouldn't bring it up. I'd always pay for the second date and if she was coming to me, I'd pay, there'd be no other option. However, since there's some distance involved, and I am coming out to her again, I wanted some opinions because she did hint at possibly helping out on our first date. I don't want to scare a girl away because I don't let her pay at all. I do firmly believe at some point it needs to be a two-way street. As for opening car doors and door to building, that's common sense to me. I'd hope every guy does that. Good for you for putting some thought into it.. IMO if she gets scared away let it be an incompatibility rather than coming off as cheap... While you are going her way and she is trying to offer then if she offers you could break it up, like say.. I'll get dinner.. you get the movie if that would be okay with you.. That kind of thing, let her pay some but not all... The last thing you as a guy want to do is tarnish your effort by coming off as cheap. BTW.. I have never scared a woman away but paying for dates and on occasion not accepted their offer to pay... I think if you do it with some class and no chest beating then it comes off as genuine. You sound like a genuine guy, I'm sure you will come up with something that works for you. Good Luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kentucky Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 Good for you for putting some thought into it.. IMO if she gets scared away let it be an incompatibility rather than coming off as cheap... While you are going her way and she is trying to offer then if she offers you could break it up, like say.. I'll get dinner.. you get the movie if that would be okay with you.. That kind of thing, let her pay some but not all... The last thing you as a guy want to do is tarnish your effort by coming off as cheap. BTW.. I have never scared a woman away but paying for dates and on occasion not accepted their offer to pay... I think if you do it with some class and no chest beating then it comes off as genuine. You sound like a genuine guy, I'm sure you will come up with something that works for you. Good Luck Thanks! That's the last thing I want to do is be cheap. I'll assume I'm going to pay and if she offers or insists to pay for part of the date, I'll let her. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) Art Critic, I normally wouldn't bring it up. I'd always pay for the second date and if she was coming to me, I'd pay, there'd be no other option. However, since there's some distance involved, and I am coming out to her again, I feel like the more you start parsing the whole relationship apart and valuing the travel, food, etc, the worse you're going to look. If you willingly choose to date a girl who lives 100 miles away, you should accept the circumstances and not try to price all the miscellaneous costs into. It has major downside (you'll look cheap, petty, unsuccessful, and like you can't get a girlfriend who lives closer to you; you have to drive 100 miles and still have to nickel and dime some other girl), and very little upside (she might pay for some food sometimes). As I said I don't think you can fail if you just assume you're paying for everything from now on. If she wants to pay for stuff (and is sincere about it), you can let her. But bringing it up and suggesting she pay (or even accepting a disingenuous offer of hers) will make you look bad, however right or wrong you are about it. I wanted some opinions because she did hint at possibly helping out on our first date. I don't want to scare a girl away because I don't let her pay at all. Uhh, I think you can be safe to assume that she's not going to get "scared away" when you buy her food. It's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Just expect to pay. If she insists on paying, let her. She's not going to run to the hills if you pull your wallet out. I do firmly believe at some point it needs to be a two-way street. I wouldn't hold your breath. But good luck. Edited February 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed code 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kentucky Posted February 2, 2018 Author Share Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) I feel like the more you start parsing the whole relationship apart and valuing the travel, food, etc, the worse you're going to look. If you willingly choose to date a girl who lives 100 miles away, you should accept the circumstances and not try to price all the miscellaneous costs into. It has major downside (you'll look cheap, petty, unsuccessful, and like you can't get a girlfriend who lives closer to you; you have to drive 100 miles and still have to nickel and dime some other girl), and very little upside (she might pay for some food sometimes). As I said I don't think you can fail if you just assume you're paying for everything from now on. If she wants to pay for stuff (and is sincere about it), you can let her. But bringing it up and suggesting she pay (or even accepting a disingenuous offer of hers) will make you look bad, however right or wrong you are about it. I wanted some opinions because she did hint at possibly helping out on our first date. I don't want to scare a girl away because I don't let her pay at all. Uhh, I think you can be safe to assume that she's not going to get "scared away" when you buy her food. It's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Just expect to pay. If she insists on paying, let her. She's not going to run to the hills if you pull your wallet out. I wouldn't hold your breath. But good luck. That's why I came for advice and I appreciate it. I am not going to bring it up. I'm a bit quirky and more conservative when it comes to dating, hence the reason why I'm on a religious dating site. Edited February 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed code Link to post Share on other sites
GreenTea937 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Second date: Just pay. You are the man. Man should pay on the second date. Link to post Share on other sites
newyorker11356 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Second date: Just pay. You are the man. Man should pay on the second date. Lol, says who? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 That's why I came for advice and I appreciate it. I am not going to bring it up. I'm a bit quirky and more conservative when it comes to dating, hence the reason why I'm on a religious dating site. And the reason your match is 100 miles away! Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Its just the second date. Please offer to pay. If she insists too much only then you can allow her to pay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 (edited) I remember being really pleased when my now husband was gracious enough to accept me paying. As a woman with an income, I've always been really uncomfortable with the idea that I can earn but he must pay. Given that you've driven so far to meet her, she may want to pay as a way of thanking you for the effort. If her offer is half-hearted, perhaps you could counter offer to pay. But if she insists, accept graciously. Edited February 2, 2018 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sara1989 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 As you are coming her way again, I am sure she will offer to at least pay her half. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 2, 2018 Share Posted February 2, 2018 Just see how it goes when the time comes. I would make a point of paying if I picked a particular restaurant and I invited someone. It sounds like she intends to pay. I also want to pay if I plan on getting the most expensive item on the menu. Oh and I always insist on going dutch if I am only interested in the guy as a friend. By that I mean not just offering to help pay, I mean really insisting and not allowing the male friend to pay. That way he doesn't get the wrong idea that it's date. Link to post Share on other sites
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