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Haven't been here in a while... guess I should update!


CurvyGurl

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Greetings all... haven't been here in a bit. So much goes on here, I find it hard to keep up. But this is the place I come to when I have relationship items to discuss. This sounds weird but people on my other board know me too well. I feel like they just tell me what I wnat to hear. Sometimes the word from a stranger means more than the word from a friend.

 

Anyway, there are some recent developments in my love life that have brought me back to The Shack. For the past 2 weeks I have been seeing someone. He is wonderful and amazing and kind and generous and thoughtful. He has the sweetest disposition of anyone I've ever met. Quiet, private, keeps to himself but is very verbal about his feelings for me. Has been from the start. There is no doubt that he cares for me. And I for him.

 

We met online at a dating site. I was just coming out of a 4 month Sabbatical from dating... the men here leave MUCH to be desired and I was frustrated. Many of you know that I am a virgin and contrary to my previous flipflopping on the issue, I made the decision during my Sabbatical that I would remain a virgin until I was in love and at least engaged, though the more I consider it the more I want to wait until I am married. Men here think that virginity is noble and endearing but want no part in it... they don't want to date a woman who won't sleep with them. So I sort of gave up, when F found me.

 

From the start there was something unassuming and quiet about him. He wasn't boastful about anything he had, he didn't sing the praises of his mighty p*nis like many men have. He didn't try to woo me at first. We just talked. For hours. I think I knew by the 2nd day that we talked that I would like him. He says he knew the first day, because he never expected me to email him back! :laugh:

 

So. It has been two of the best weeks of my life. I finally made it past date two with a man, lol. That is my proudest accomplishment! I care for him IMMENSELY. We have so much in common are so much alike yet different. We have the same views on the important subjects like politics, children, marriage, love, and whether the toilet paper should roll from the front or the back (front). I have never before felt what I am feeling. I am falling for him. He is falling for me. In our beginning conversations, we discussed our individual paths. What do we want out of life... are we on the same path? Do we want the same things? Do we have the same attitudes?

 

I am aware that we've moved fast but I don't feel we're screaming toward marriage or anything. We've skipped a lot of the 'play hard to get' playing that younger people do. I'm in my 30's as is he. He's dated before, he knows who he likes and what he wants, as do I. I don't need 2 months of dinking around to figure out if I like him.

 

I guess I am trying to slow down... I don't want to smother him with my feelings. I am concious of us having 'me' time, time away from each other to live our own lives. I also don't want to go too fast. I want to enjoy every second of getting to know him, growing to love him. When I look at him I see my future. It's kind of scary but a good scary.

 

I am a perpetual planner, an unplanned future is daunting to me... but I hear so much advice to just live in the moment, enjoy the NOW. I can't help but think about the tomorrow and the next month and the 6 months from now... will this wondering go away?

 

It's been 2 weeks and it feels like I've known him forever. I am very comfortable with him. We talk for hours on end when we're together or on the phone. What's freaky is that he'lll call me because he knows what I am thinking. I've never had any of this before, and I want it to last and last and last.

 

This is uncharted territory for me. He is my first Significant Other. So Shackers... advice? I know I know, take it slow. How? Why?

 

Important questions I should be asking myself? Scripts that should be running through my head? Good things to remember?

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What you're feeling sounds wonderful. You are just beginning. In the life cycle of a r/s, 2 weeks is basically ZERO time. Keep dating and getting to know him, but do not even DREAM of getting married until you have known him at least a year, know his parents and siblings, know his freinds, know where he works or goes to school, know who he hangs out with, know how he spends his time on an ongoing basis, what his substance use patterns are, etc.

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Hi CG! Nice to see ya!

 

It's great to hear that you've found someone you like, CG. What's happening here is that you are falling into the trap that almost every human falls into at the beginning of a relationship - until they've been in a few relationships and learned better. Or else read thousands of stories of others' relationships.

 

We've skipped a lot of the 'play hard to get' playing that younger people do. I'm in my 30's as is he. He's dated before, he knows who he likes and what he wants, as do I. I don't need 2 months of dinking around to figure out if I like him.

 

First mistake: 'I'm old enough/smart enough/mature enough to not fall into any traps'. Nope. Sorry. People MUCH older and MUCH smarter than you or I have fallen for this one. FACT: when you become enchanted with someone, there are chemicals in your body which start circulating. Some of these actually impair your reasoning. This is probably why it is that people who are old and smart still make this mistake.

 

It's been 2 weeks and it feels like I've known him forever. I am very comfortable with him. We talk for hours on end when we're together or on the phone. What's freaky is that he'lll call me because he knows what I am thinking. I've never had any of this before, and I want it to last and last and last.

 

Again, this is very common. Happens all the time to new relationships.

 

Here's why you MUST take it slow: no human, no matter how brilliant she may be, can possibly know another human well enough in a few weeks or even a few months to make a lifetime decision about that person. Look at it rationally: it has taken YEARS for that person to get to this point in his life; years of developing habits, having experiences, coming up with ideas, etc. etc. You cannot know all these things about someone in a short period of time.

 

At the beginning of any relationship, both people behave their best. Why? Because nobody's proud of his or her flaws and so they, deliberately or subconsciously, hide them. It is also natural for people beginning a couple-type relationship to see the other person in the best light. You seek out commonalities and eagerly embrace every one you find. You try to please each other to enhance the other person's impression of you - again, often subconsciously. We humans want to win approval and are driven to behave that way - all the more so in these situations.

 

What you don't and won't see in the first few days, weeks, or even months, are the person's troublesome issues.

The 'love' hormones plus the desire to please helps them suppress behaviours which you might dislike intensely but which you know nothing about. And you won't see those for maybe six months.

 

You need to understand that we are still animals and our primary urges are survival and procreation - that is why your body produces the hormones that make you want to attach to someone and to mate with that person. And they are so intense at the beginning probably so that you'll mate before you realize that you don't have a bargain after all LOL.

 

The bottom line is that no matter how well you THINK you know someone, it is literally impossible to know enough about that person to make any sane decisions about your life together prior to six months and I'd suggest a year.

 

Now a zillion people will flock on here to say that they knew each other three weeks, married, and lived happily ever after and that's great because they were lucky.

 

HOWEVER, there are as many, if not ten times more, people who will tell you about thinking they were perfect partners with someone after a short period of time and maybe even married only to find out that this 'perfect' person has a drug problem, drinks, is in huge amounts of debt, or worse, is violent. I think the mistake people make is that they think that people with these problems are 'bad people' and so would never seem charming, attractive, or 'perfect' - but that's not at all the case. People with huge problems can also have wonderful, endearing traits. In fact, that's why women often stay with abusers - because other than being abusive, the men can be great people because people are never all bad or all good.

 

So no matter how fabulous this man may seem after two weeks or two months, he may yet have some very undesirable characteristics that you will NOT see, no matter how brilliant or mature you may be, until enough time has passed for him to reveal them. Usually it will happen after the six-month mark but I'd wait at least a year.

 

One example (and I realize one example doesn't prove the case, but it'd take days to cite all the examples I know of to you): A couple I know - both WAY older than you two - dated for 18 months. This included spending chunks of time together. It was not until they moved in together AFTER 18 MONTHS DATING that she realized that he had a drinking problem.

 

So what you must tell yourself when everything in you is tempted to run away to Tangier with him tomorrow is that you need time to ensure that he has no very troublesome traits carefully hidden.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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ok.

 

We hit 4 weeks on Sunday and this is officially the longest I've ever dated someone. :love: It just keeps getting better. I'm pleased to report that per the advice of a good many people we've slowed to a more manageable pace. The first two weeks were amazing and I don't regret them but I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't getting any work done! I had to get myself back to a feeling of some normalcy and so did he, just so we could function. Though, we still email each other throughout the day and still talk to each other if we're not together. He makes me laugh all day long and we have some interesting evening question and answer sessions that have really helped us in getting to know one another.

 

We've had a few talks and we're both sure that we know what WE want. We're going to spend some time getting to know each other and make sure that we want to achieve what we want with each other, if that makes any sense. ( ie. I know I want to get married and have a family, but do I want that with HIM?And vice versa) I am trying HARD not to plan the future and I've eliminated 'futurespeak' from my vocabulary. Wouldn't you know it the other night he was over and had this 'Deep THoughts' look on his face, and I asked him what was up and he said, 'just thinking. About you. And the future.'

 

Dammit. Doesn't he know I'm trying to be rational????? :laugh:

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There are quite a few books out there with titles like '1000 questions you should ask someone before you marry'. I suggest you get a couple and use them to guide your discussions. You'd be surprised how you think you know 'everything' about someone only to find there are a few things you never even considered asking which turn out to be big issues in the end.

 

And, again, it's not just what someone says about himself but whether he lives up to it. So maybe he says he's 'honest' but then eventually you find out he regularly cheats on his taxes and fibs to you about where he's been... It's one thing to discuss and quite another to walk that talk!

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I found a list of 100 questions and we've blown through all of those already. Some of them are so morbid!

 

I plan to order 1000 questions for couples. It comes highly recommended.

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  • 5 weeks later...
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Just updating.

 

 

Still going strong. I really like him, he really likes me, we get along great, have lots of fun. Things have slowed and calmed to a manageable speed and rhythm and we're just enjoying the time we spend together.

 

Moimeme, wanted to let you know that I bought a copy of 1000 Questions for Couples and it is GREAT! So many good questions! We pick one or two a day, I email one in the morning and it sparks great conversation that is meaningful and not drivel.

 

His birthday is Friday... he doesn't want a big to-do but we're going out to dinner and I got him a sterling silver ID Bracelet that will match his silver watch. He brought me a cute little necklace ( a trinket, really) on our first date that I wear all the time... I think of him whenever I see it. Now he'll have something that reminds him of me!

 

 

He's not excited, but I am!

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Angelina1433

You are too sweet! I'm so happy for you. Keep us informed. I'm so jealous of you :) ! And how cutesy-patootsie that you wear his little trinket all the time.

 

I know how it feels when you are in the whirlwind of a new relationship - and it feels fabulous!!

 

Just take it slow, and you'll do just fine. Sounds like you two are really on the same page. But DEFINATELY keep the "future speak" out of your convos for a while. You'll know when it's the right time to slip that in.

 

Good luck, sweetie!!

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That's so great CG :)

 

It is sometimes hard to stop and breathe sometimes when you're in a new relationship and you're really into someone isn't it!?! LOL I've been with my Boyfriend for 8 months and I still sometimes have to remind myself not to stress so much over where we will be and just enjoy being there now.

 

Sounds like you're doing this right, and it also sounds like you've got a great Guy in your life... Yay for you!

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Merin, it's good to see you're still with your guy! I can't even imagine 8 months with The Man (my online name for him)... we're going on 2 months and I can't believe it's been that long already.

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When I look at him I see my future. It's kind of scary but a good scary.

 

woo-HOO, CG!!! This is wonderful news to hear, especially since I've wondered how you've been lately!

 

it pretty much was the same when I met my husband (I see the future and it's good), it felt like a sure thing from the beginning, but we still had to go through the real-time "getting to know you" dance. But that chance we took 15 years ago has been worth every minute of it -- good, bad, the whole shebang.

 

I also find it encouraging that you guys are communicating so well (the book on 1000 Questions is a brilliant way to get to know someone a little better), especially when you share that he is an active participant. You're doing the right stuff from the start, which makes me think y'all are going to have a very, very solid basis in this relationship.

 

hope his birthday celebration is fun!

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Just wanted to give my best wishes to you both.

 

Hope things continue to go well for ya.

 

Curt

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Originally posted by CurvyGurl

Merin, it's good to see you're still with your guy! I can't even imagine 8 months with The Man (my online name for him)... we're going on 2 months and I can't believe it's been that long already.

 

LOL Thanks Girl :) For real it amazes me sometimes too! :laugh:

Time will go by faster and faster for the 2 of you.. just so happy you've found someone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated ;)

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yahoooo!! How very exciting, you totally deserve it!

 

Good for you stickign to your guns and upholding your principles.

 

Frankly, I will say this: Sounds like you actually are a step or two above the average person, in a sense because you've given so much thought to exactly what you want out of your future and because you're not afraid of communicating this to someone.

 

Fear of communication often keeps a lot of people in a silly tangle for quite a while at the beginning of a relationship (ha ha, like me!).

 

Just my two cents.

 

And I guess the future talk can happen, but maybe before you talk about marriage it can be about things like, waht are your holiday plans, what are you doing for Christmas? That way you can keep yourself on a forward path while still not getting TOOOO far ahead.

 

But from the way it sounds to me.....you don't really need anyone's advice at all.

 

You seem pretty darn together to me!

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