lbh33 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. Very early on I made it clear that after my last emotionally abusive relationship, I had some boundaries for confrontations, and those include raising voices and swearing at each other during arguments. I told him that for me, those are deal breakers. Tonight, we were discussing a problem he has and when I accidentally interrupted him, he raised his voice at me to get me to be quiet. I immediately told him that it was not okay and that I was not going to deal with this. He has been apologetic since but I am confused as to what to do. I already feel in love with him but I promised myself I would be strict with my boundaries after my last relationship. I am concerned because I genuinely thought he would not have a problem respecting my boundaries. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 That has to be your judgement call. It might help to consider whether the tone of his voice was just trying to get his point across loudly, like some people do when they are debating a point or passionate about something? Or did it come across as hostile and intimidating? I think figuring that out might help you decide whether it is an instant deal breaker for you. If you think you can work through it together, you might need to reassess your expectations because if he is the type to raise his voice (even non-aggressively), it will be a difficult pattern to break, so it might require some compromise and patience. Think it over carefully. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 If your boundary is level of voice and tone of voice and you feel he crossed it.. then end relationship. What more is there to say about it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Scarlett nailed it. Context and intention is everything here. Was he angry, frustrated or enthusiastic? And what were the actual words he said? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lbh33 Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 I felt as though his voice was raised in frustration. He yelled my name to get me to be quiet as I was talking because I (think I may have) accidentally interrupted him. Also, I did not think he would do this. he has seemed compassionate and understanding besides this. Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I think very few people get through life or through a ltr without ever raising their voice. I'm not sure its an entirely realistic boundary. You might have to always be breaking up after the first or second disagreement. 20 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lbh33 Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 I do want to clarify that when I say "raise voice" I mean yelling. And I only think it's not unreasonable because I make it very clear that it is a trigger for me after being in a very verbally abusive relationship, plus I don't see why someone couldn't control this... but maybe I'm wrong Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 (edited) I think very few people get through life or through a ltr without ever raising their voice. I'm not sure its an entirely realistic boundary. You might have to always be breaking up after the first or second disagreement. This. The reality is that people WILL inevitably hurt each other in intimate relationships. When people are mature, they understand that conflict is an opportunity for growth and they will do what it takes to work through it and have the relationship come out stronger on the other side. When people are not mature, they will resort to intentionally hurting each other in non-loving ways. There is no excuse for physical violence or emotional abuse, and in those very unhealthy relationships, it is best to find the support to walk away. Based on what information you provided here, I do not get the impression you are in an abusive relationship or that he is "wrong." I do get the impression that you have a trauma history and that you had a flashback emotional response to the argument when it occurred. That doesn't make you "wrong" either if that's the case. When you "interrupted him," could there have been some part of you (not consciously or intentionally, of course) that wanted to 'test' him and see if he would get angry with you like your ex did by you interrupting and annoying him? This way you could see in action if he was different from your ex or just like him? Think about it. If you want to ultimately have a loving and communicative relationship, you will need to own your 'stuff' just as much as he does (it sounds like he was owning his 'stuff' by talking through it with you afterward). I have personally been on both sides. I have had to deal with some very abusive partners in my time and had a hard time seeing it for what it was. On the other side of things, I have been guilty of projecting my past pain onto relatively good people who were just doing their best to be with me and I royally screwed up my chances of having a relationship with them. I cannot count how many opportunities I've probably screwed up for what would have been a loving relationship because I was quick to toss them into the same pile of those past people who seriously did hurt me. I can't say for sure what happened with the two of you. I'm just telling you what I know based on what you've shared and what I've experienced. I would personally see through the argument, and when future arguments arise, check in with yourself and be willing to consider how much of your 'stuff' is being projected into the situation. I hope there is something helpful in here for you. Good luck. Edited January 5, 2018 by TunaInTheBrine 7 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I have to be honest and say that in the context you've given, the raised voice doesn't make sense. Most of the time, voices get raised when one person feels that they are not being heard. Let's go back to scratch: The two of you were discussing a problem he was having. What exactly was the problem and what were you saying at the time when he raised his voice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Doesn't matter what any of us think about raised voices and when they're ok or not and what any type of voice in a conversation indicates as to whether a person is frustrated, angry, irritated, exuberant, whatever. It's what you're comfortable with that matters. And seems you're not comfortable with how he spoke to you and you're doing your best to rationalize it. You're going to have to decide whether you can appreciate his form of communication with you or not. That's one of the things dating is for. In your place I wouldn't try to control how he can talk with you. I can just about promise you he's going to speak to you this way again because that's the way he communicates. He may try to comply with your request for awhile but eventually he's most likely going to chalk your preference up to you being controlling (whether or not you see it as an issue of control) and begin to resent you for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 lbh33, this is a difficult one to answer because, as others have said, we don't know the context, words used or tone of voice. If he said "Please let me finish !" Don't interrupt me, please! or "Let me make my point !" in a raised voice that, to me, is OK. On the other hand if he actually shouted, told you to "Shut the f*** up !" or any other name-calling, then that is not acceptable to me. On two occasions on OLD dates I have walked out of restaurants when the guy I was with started shouting at me because he didn't agree with my point of view on a topic. Both times the guys rang me when after I got home to apologise. I told them I didn't take abuse and hung up on them. Only you can decide if you want to continue with this relationship..... Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 What Basil said but also and I know that you have this boundary but bear in mind too that actual abusive behaviour of any kind will involve more than one action or trait. It's never just one thing such as a raised voice. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I respect your boundaries, but I think this decision will make your life between hard to impossible. For this guy, do him a favor and break up with him, because you you're the problem, not him. If you're in love with him, why would you make him meserable by staying? My guess is that you set the wrong boundaries. The problem with you recent relationship was not the voluome of the voices, but much deeper, that had only been expressed by the voice tone. You are hurt and probably under some trauma, so you seek assurances, some external signs, easily detected, that will assure your future. I can assure you that it won't assure you anything. People can be abusive while being very quiet. And people can be great and loving and really good for you, while sometimes raising their voice. It's not really a factor. |There is not shortcut way to pre-detect who is abusive and who isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Gemma uk bear in mind too that actual abusive behaviour of any kind will involve more than one action or trait. It's never just one thing such as a raised voice. Hmmmm, I'm not sure if I totally agree with that https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/15-common-forms-verbal-abuse-in-relationships Link to post Share on other sites
girlinNYC Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 In all honesty this come across as you projecting your unresolved issues from your previous relationship onto your current one. I’m glad you’re no longer in your old relationship, although you seem to be living in the past by enforcing rules onto your new guy based on the old days. Not every day will be sunshine and rainbows, couples argue, work through it and make up. If he didn’t raise his voice in an abusive manner, more so an ‘I’m trying to get my point across’ way then I think it’s an unrealistic boundary to set and your relationship will suffer for it. Make peace with your prior relationship as it’s affecting your present one. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 What if his boundary (perhaps unconscious) is being interrupted when it's his turn to speak? You (accidentally) were rude, and he (accidentally) raised his voice. Perhaps you should both apologize to each other, discuss your boundaries together, and try again and see how it goes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 (edited) I think very few people get through life or through a ltr without ever raising their voice. I'm not sure its an entirely realistic boundary. You might have to always be breaking up after the first or second disagreement. This. Although, I will say that my boyfriend has never raised his voice to me and I have never raised my voice to him. But, if someone who is used to doing this, it may take him a few mistakes before he is able to change his ways... I think I would give him another chance. But, you have to be comfortable with your decision. Good luck. Edited January 5, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Iseult Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Hey op, why set boundaries if people are allowed to cross them? If you allow that, you create a semantic paradox where boundaries aren’t boundaries but are boundaries. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Yelling at two months is already a red flag to me, but yelling your name to make you be quiet? That seems like massive overkill and condescending as hell to boot. That's what you do to your children, not your partner. You have every right to be upset about this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Iseult Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 That's what you do to your children, not your partner. That's correct. Your partner deserves more respect than your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 That's correct. Your partner deserves more respect than your children. I'm assuming this is sarcasm, but I don't treat any adult in my life like a child. Yelling somebody's name to get their attention and make them be quiet is not something you do to adults. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Break it up. * Considering yourself *in love* after so little time indicates when you met him you were emotionally vulnerable, probably recently single? * Women coming out of abusive relationships will often jump into another abusive relationship if they have not taken the time to work on themselves. * The way this man spoke to you after 2 months indicates he controlling and you're about to enter, again, another relationship that will turn out controlling, manipulative and abusive. * My parents have never raised their voice at each other after 53 years marriage. My BF and I have never raised our voice at each other in 2 years. * Couples will raise their voice at each other while in crisis, example if I discover my bf is cheating yes I will probably yell, if he'd discover something horrific about me yes he would probably raise his voice but in your case he raised his voice simply because you cut him off? *red flat* * You specifically told him raising his voice was a deal breaker, if you don't break up over it then what message are you sending? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Yelling at two months is already a red flag to me, but yelling your name to make you be quiet? That seems like massive overkill and condescending as hell to boot. That's what you do to your children, not your partner. You have every right to be upset about this. Children deserve respect as much as adults do. I am in no way saying OP was disrespected by her bf's raised voice. I wasn't there. I didn't hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I do want to clarify that when I say "raise voice" I mean yelling. And I only think it's not unreasonable because I make it very clear that it is a trigger for me after being in a very verbally abusive relationship, You might not be ready to be in a new relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 What if his boundary (perhaps unconscious) is being interrupted when it's his turn to speak? You (accidentally) were rude, and he (accidentally) raised his voice. Perhaps you should both apologize to each other, discuss your boundaries together, and try again and see how it goes. This here, I think, is important. I think both of you contributed to this, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
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