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2nd time being flakey


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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:10 PM   #1
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2nd time being flakey

I met this guy online at the end of November. We chatted on the site for three weeks before going on our first date. He works full time and is also in the process of getting his doctorate, so at beginning of December he was studying and had finals. I didn't mind, he was nice to talk to but we hadn't even met so it wasn't a big deal that he kept pushing back our meeting. To be fair he was free one Friday night, but he asked me on Thursday and I had already made plans for the next day.


So we have our first date in mid December. Everything goes well but after SO MANY online situations leading to nothing I know that a good first date doesn't mean anything. Our first date was a Wednesday, and on Thursday he is texting me what a great time he had the night before. He says he knows its last min, but would I like to come with him to his company Christmas party the next night. He had planned to go alone, but he had fun the night before. I agree. The day of the party he mentions that his family owns the engineering firm he works for, so he wanted to give me a heads up I would be meeting his parents. I felt like it was a bit soon but I had already agreed to go to the party.


The party ends up actually being really fun and nice. He introduced me to everyone we came into contact with and even complimented me, that he knows that he was throwing a lot at me for a second date (parents, coworkers, etc) but that he was impressed I was handling it so well and making conversations with people.


A few days after the party I asked him when did he leave for Christmas with his family (they were going to his families ranch about 5 hours away for the holiday). He said Saturday, so we made a date for Friday night. Throughout the week, he texts me all the time, compliments me, we get along. On Thursday he texts me that he was sorry, something came up (didn't say what) and that he was actually leaving to the ranch that night, so our date would have to be postponed. Its one of those things that you make a mental note of, but hey, its the holidays and its only been two dates.


Again he is very communicative during the Christmas break. He actually wanted to go out the night he got back which was the following Wednesday, but I pushed it to Friday because I just had a lot going on.


Prior to our Friday night dinner and a movie he asks my plans for NYE to which I have a tentative party I'm going to but still not sure. He invites me to spend the evening with him and his friends. They are renting a condo downtown to watch the fireworks. He also says I can stay at the condo that night so I don't have to drive home.


Friday night our date goes well, again we get along, definite chemistry, he is very attractive, smart, seems kind. during this time he suggests going hiking after the new year (we both love hiking.) I say that sounds great.


NYE comes and I agree to go downtown with him and his friends. His friends make fun of him because I didn't get there till 1030pm and supposedly he was freaking out that I wasn't going to show up (I had said I would be there at 9pm but got behind on stuff) he got kinda embarrassed that they were telling me this. We end up having sex and sleeping together that night. He is very sweet and kind. The next day he is super affectionate and not at weird as those situations sometimes go. He also texted me yesterday during the day how he had such a wonderful time the night before and that he didn't know if I had started to realize it, but that he likes spending time with me and he really likes me.


So heres the issue. Yesterday I follow up with the hiking date he mentioned on Friday. we plan for this Saturday. I texted him something random about 4pm yesterday. This was a couple hours after we talked about hiking. He didn't respond till this morning. That's not normally like him. In fact he kinda was texting me too much. He would text me in the morning, then sometimes in the after, then every night. So him texting me 17 hours later is weird. Also all he did was respond to the text, didn't say anything like "sorry fell asleep or forgot to respond to this"


Then just now he text me saying hes starting to feel like hes getting sick and he hopes he doesn't have to cancel the hike. Its Tuesday, the hike is four days from now.


So he cancelled our before Christmas date, ok no biggie. Now hes already putting it out there that he might be getting sick and might have to cancel the hike. I totally get guys that become disinterested after getting sex. But he took me to his Christmas party for a second date, introduced me to his coworkers and parents, then had me over to NYE with his best friends from high school and their girlfriends/wives. If he was just looking to hook up then never talk, why have dates that include meeting family and friends?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 7:30 PM   #2
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Youve had 2 dates, good dates. Dont overthink this. He may well be getting sick, everyone is sick right now. Lighten up a bit, tell him you understand, and you hope he feels better soon. Then leave it alone. Wait for him to reach out to you again.

Dont. Overthink.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 12:49 AM   #3
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I think this is all fine. I wouldn't be bothered by the "before xmas date cancel" as you still saw him and everything went fine.

His reasoning was that he had to leave earlier than expected for his family trip. Families get weird and intense around the holidays! So give him a pass on that one. Maybe a relative had something going on that caused them to leave earlier.

I'm not sure where you live, but if it's in the US, chances are is cold as the dickens and lots of people are sick now. The fact that he gave you a heads up is good because it's better than an abrupt cancel. Please don't over think it.

Sure, the new delay in texting would get me worried too, but I definitely over think things. Pay attention to actual flags ( things that you feel in your gut are wrong or things that you personally don't like) Try to separate these real red flags from an anxious wandering mind trying to fill in the blanks of a situation.

I think things are going well with this guy Just see what happens as you get closer to the hiking date. Even if he's sick he definitely sounds like he would reschedule with you.

For the record, he also seems to be a bit anxious as his friends were giving him a hard time when he was freaking out that you "wouldn't show" for the party
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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:53 PM   #4
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Setting you up for the cancel...I've had that. The thing is, you don't know if it's real or fake, and after two great dates, I wouldn't get too uptight about it...try not to get too wrapped up and invested either. It's best just to let this flow and hope for the best. Just have fun with this. It'll work or it won't.

He's very busy, and I think the bigger question becomes if this is something you can work with or not, and if he can give you what you want from this relationship or not. He has to do the same, expecting an accommodating woman who can work around his busy schedule.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:49 PM   #5
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The reason it makes me anxious is because I was this person four years ago. I only wanted to casually date. And sometimes after 3/4 dates I was over it and would already put it out there that I may have to cancel an upcoming outing. Or I was waiting on a different guy to see what his plans were. Looking back it was super ****ty thing to do. But I stopped dating for two whole years and worked on myself so that I wouldnít be that way again.

Now Iím finding itís being done to me. Iím going to try my best to just let this situation ride and try not to get too invested. If he ends up canceling the hike I guess Iíll get my answer.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:52 PM   #6
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I'm going against the grain here and saying it sounds like he has lost interest. That's a long time to not respond. I have often read that after sex a man's mind is less clouded. Don't know how true but now he's coincidentally being flakey. I don't think you should give him another chance to be flakey, though people always do....

Xmas parties and meeting friends and parents means nothing to some people. He probably wanted a date to Xmas event. My parent's know I date, so if a guy happens to meet my parents on an outting it's NBD. It's just a guy I am hanging with. I think too much significance is placed on that.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 3rd January 2018 at 11:02 PM..
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:05 AM   #7
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Two or three dates isnt a relationship. Its just dating. Sometimes people want to continue it; sometimes they dont. Its best you dont get yourself too invested in someone until theres a timeframe to do that. Two or 3 dates isnt enough time.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:51 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mx12345 View Post
The reason it makes me anxious is because I was this person four years ago. I only wanted to casually date. And sometimes after 3/4 dates I was over it and would already put it out there that I may have to cancel an upcoming outing. Or I was waiting on a different guy to see what his plans were. Looking back it was super ****ty thing to do. But I stopped dating for two whole years and worked on myself so that I wouldnít be that way again.

Now Iím finding itís being done to me. Iím going to try my best to just let this situation ride and try not to get too invested. If he ends up canceling the hike I guess Iíll get my answer.


I know exactly what you are saying and reading your post it does sound to me like this but I wouldn't overthink it though. I find in dating there is an adjustment period from being single and doing whatever comes up and tentatively planning things then changing your mind with friends etc., to having to make plans and stick to them. Once I adjust it's not a big deal but in the initial stages it's hard to get in the routine of following through every time. I'm not a big planner because if I feel like doing something Monday, I don't always feel like it on Friday.


If he were to cancel Friday I might not cut all ties, but I would not make plans with him. If he asked you to do something next Friday at 7pm, I would tell him to call me Friday at 6. If I made other plans, oh well, but if I was free I'd meet up under the circumstance that the person was heading out the door and I would meet them there and not leave any room to back out. If they continued to cancel after that I'd probably move on.
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:47 AM   #9
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I'm going against the grain here and saying it sounds like he has lost interest. That's a long time to not respond. I have often read that after sex a man's mind is less clouded. Don't know how true but now he's coincidentally being flakey. I don't think you should give him another chance to be flakey, though people always do....

Xmas parties and meeting friends and parents means nothing to some people. He probably wanted a date to Xmas event. My parent's know I date, so if a guy happens to meet my parents on an outting it's NBD. It's just a guy I am hanging with. I think too much significance is placed on that.
I'm inclined to agree with you that to some people meeting friends and family isn't a big deal. Its only that at the Christmas party and even thereafter, he kept mentioning what a trooper I was to meet his parents and all his coworkers for a second date and how I was able to keep my cool throughout it all and carry on conversations with his coworkers even when he would briefly step away. HE made it seem like a big deal.


I'm a naturally anxious person when I start to like someone. I will see if he cancels the hiking date (its still on as of right now and he has even texted that hes feeling better and thinks he just felt off for a day.)


Question though: if he does cancel with the reason that hes feeling sick, what do I do? Does it sound bitchy to tell him I don't think we should see each other anymore right after someone says they are sick? Or do I just say ok and then see if he gets in touch next week and then if he does tell him I don't think we should see each other because of the previous instances?
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:55 AM   #10
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I know the flu/cold is going around and it's bad. My whole family has been sick over the holidays, and now my husband has this terrible cold and it's been two weeks with it ...he's still hackin up a lung.

Do face time, or do a PHONE CALL. This is the only way you will be able to tell if he is blowing you off or he's legit. IMO when you really like someone, you want to hear their voice. texting is a poor way to communicate because there is no real emotion involved...and things get mis-communicated.

On a side note: texting someone shouldn't be counted as time spent dating. You only had two dates, and you slept together without even developing a strong bond....you barely know the guy. I guess I'm old fashioned BUT I know a guy needs to prove you have value to him before hitting the sack together.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:16 PM   #11
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On a side note: texting someone shouldn't be counted as time spent dating. You only had two dates, and you slept together without even developing a strong bond....you barely know the guy. I guess I'm old fashioned BUT I know a guy needs to prove you have value to him before hitting the sack together.
We slept together on the 4th date. We had our first date, then he invited me to the Christmas party (2nd date), then we had a date when he got back from Christmas vacation in which he proposed a hiking date (3rd date), then we spent NYE together and slept together (4th date.)


Not that it matters I guess. If he ends up cancelling I know the value was next to nothing.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:38 PM   #12
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Also, why tell someone you really enjoy spending time with them AFTER you already had sex if you just plan on flaking out.
His exact text the morning after NYE:
"I'm glad you appreciated new years as much as I did. I had a phenomenal time with you. Not sure if you are aware but I kind of really enjoy spending time with you!" <---- (exclamation point!)




Sorry, as the hiking date gets closer I'm more and more worried hes going to cancel and I'm overthinking the whole situation.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:23 PM   #13
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Also, why tell someone you really enjoy spending time with them AFTER you already had sex if you just plan on flaking out.
His exact text the morning after NYE:
"I'm glad you appreciated new years as much as I did. I had a phenomenal time with you. Not sure if you are aware but I kind of really enjoy spending time with you!" <---- (exclamation point!)

What else would he say either way? Unless it was a ONS and he was desperately trying to get away from you he wouldn't say it, but if he was very interested, casually interested or on the fence it's not out of the ordinary to say you had fun or like hanging out with them.


I wouldn't overanalyze a 2 sentence text message too deeply.What he said in text indicates interest but you won't be able to decode how much interest by analyzing a short text. Cancelling plans a couple of times is not a huge deal, but anymore than that it is a pattern. I would wait and see what happens and not try to analyze too much.
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:22 PM   #14
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Why not suggest a different type of date that doesn't involve physical/ outdoor activity?

If he's getting sick, he ain't gonna be in any mood for a hike.
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:48 PM   #15
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It sounds to me like you are reading into it too much because of past baggage unrelated to him and not anything he has done yet to make you insecure. I've done this, and as I've gotten older I've had to figure out how to take stock and listen to my gut versus just getting anxiety over too-early-too-high expectations not getting immediately met. It's really helpful to be able to tell the difference and then act accordingly.

While my situation is completely different, because I'm reconnecting with an ex maybe and have no idea what's going on (just that we've been hanging out frequently for the last couple months), the same exact cancelation/sick schedule just happened with us. He ended up having to last minute postpone our Christmas plans because he had to go home early and then he had to reschedule the postponement because he had to stay home longer than planned. But the key is postponed, not canceled: he did keep me updated about the changes, he rescheduled and more, and then spent way more time with me when he did get back than we'd even originally planned. And now, he's really sick, and has been messaging me about it (not that we'd made further plans quite yet since I just saw him so much).

So, my point is, he's not canceling on you last minute then ignoring you. He's even given you a heads up he's not feeling well and may have to postpone, which to me sounds considerate. I think it's fine as long as he reschedules without prodding from you. Not answering you until the next day when he felt sick is normal for someone not addicted to texting or who likes to be alone when sick (not how I am, but common enough), especially when you're not actually in a relationship yet.

It's very early days. Try to relax, unless your gut is really certain something is truly wrong and it's not new dating situation uncertainty discomfort jitters that you'd get with anyone before things are established. Otherwise, you'll start to push him away whether you mean to or not.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 4th January 2018 at 2:58 PM..
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