Lack of communication

[Angie456]

I have been seeing a great guy for about two months. We went exclusive about a week ago. I found out my ex probably cheated in me and is engaged this week. I think going exclusive eas a mistake but it could be holiday stress. He has full custody of a preteen kid. I met them by surprise on the third date (he brought the child without telling me). He’s 34 and I’m 28.

 

Anyway, I feel like he isn’t making an effort. I feel like the texting has dropped off and I only saw him once this week (he was hunting last week). The date turned into a date with the kid without really asking me. It was more of a “oh hey, I’m bringing the kid, ok?” Two hours befoee the date and my car was out of comission so it wasn’t like I could run and pick up more food or kid-friendly drinks. I was irritated he did that wih little notice.

 

Rest of the week he was busy on my off days. He hung out with his friends in the afternoon. Supposedky he has some family stuff at night. I asked him if he wants to go get dinner before work Thursday or Friday yesterday. He doesn’t know yet. He did this with another date where I had to ask him almost daily for four days before he finally told me yes. I want to know so I can make plans with friends if he is busy.

 

I feel like the texting has dropped off since he got back. I know this is childish but I am not going to text him to see how long before he texts me. I feel like I am always the one who initiates the texts or proposes dates. I have a feeling he won’t bother to get back with me about meeting for the dinner even though I had asked him to please let me know.

 

I get that I’m never going to be first but this feels more like like bottom of the list. If this is how he is going to be dating exclusive, I would have rather been single. I felt better single.

 

I think I am going to wait and see how the holidays play out. I get people are busy around the holidays. I don’t want to get stuck in a cruddy relationship again. I know finding out about my ex has me down. Plus holidays are stress x 1000 with my sister’s hosting it despite her lack pf communication (dinner is at noon on the 24. Found out yesterday after my mom told me last week it was probably 5ish. I had previously texted her asking what time with no response. No one else knew it was going to be noon).

 

Plus it’s great he loves his kid. I am not really cool with most of the dates the kid is there let alone bringing them to my apartment with almost no notice. I’m not there to date the kid. Like once in awhile is fine like maybe movies or an event. I have only been seeing him for two months so getting so involved with the kid seems like a bad idea.

Edited December 22, 2017 by Angie456

[Art_Critic]

School is out for the holidays so he has the child the whole day now...

 

If you aren't ready to be involved with someone who has a child then it's time for you to tap out.

 

That being said... you have feelings too.. so try and convey your feelings to him without trying to pressure him..

He needs to know he isn't meeting all your needs right now and give him the chance to rectify it before you uncouple.

[Angie456]

Today is the last day for the kids. It seems weird.

 

If you read online, it is not recommended to introduce your new partner to a kid quickly.

[BaileyB]

I am not really cool with most of the dates the kid is there let alone bringing them to my apartment with almost no notice. I’m not there to date the kid. Like once in awhile is fine like maybe movies or an event. I have only been seeing him for two months so getting so involved with the kid seems like a bad idea.

 

This is the biggest red flag to me. It's way too soon to introduce anyone to his kids. It's too early to know if this relationship will go the distance and you will stick around? To allow his kids to get attached to you and then have you "disappear" is not someone a "good dad" would do.

 

Besides, you need dates without the kids to grow the relationship. This guy seems lazy, selfish, and not someone that I would want to date. Sorry.

[Nadine123]

I agree with you to not text him, and it isn't childish at all.

 

Usually men don't text for a couple of days after the first date but as you said you both are exclusive. If he doesn't text, please don't so you don't have to worry about your dignity later on. Unless he's dead or has a serious emergency, there should be no reason why he doesn't text you.

 

Maintain strict standards and boundaries in life so you don't get hurt. Keep us updated

[mikeylo]

1. He is not a great guy

 

His behavior confirms that.

[Angie456]

I know. I am going to wait till after Christmas to see how he is acting if he is back to pre-exclusive. I know Christmas is really stressful and he has a huge family along with stepfamily so there is probably a lot of parties and stuff. Like trying to finalize plans with my sister had me stressed since I work night shift and I finally got her to answer me. First I wasn’t going because I worked the 22 and 23. So she moved it and doesn’t tell us till three weeks ago or so. Then she didn’t give us a time so my mom assumed five. I pretty much have to drive out there and crash at her place for a bit because I get off at 7 am and her place is around 3.5 to 4 hours away.

[jjgitties]

I asked him if he wants to go get dinner before work Thursday or Friday yesterday. He doesn’t know yet. He did this with another date where I had to ask him almost daily for four days before he finally told me yes. I want to know so I can make plans with friends if he is busy.

 

^^ Well, today is friday. When did you ask to go for dinner? this guy sounds like a super busy top notch corporate executive dude if he can't figure out when and how to make time to go for dinner with his GF. maybe he needs to hire a personal secretary to mange his super busy schedule?

[Angie456]

^^ Well, today is friday. When did you ask to go for dinner? this guy sounds like a super busy top notch corporate executive dude if he can't figure out when and how to make time to go for dinner with his GF. maybe he needs to hire a personal secretary to mange his super busy schedule?

 

I asked Thursday. No response on the dinner thing so I wrote it off. To be fair, I do feel like sometimes I may need to hire secretary to manage my schedule with some days I work nights. Some days I am on days.

 

He did text me and asked if I slept in late around 5 pm (normally I am up at 4) so I guess he noticed I didn’t text him. Wish he had said yes or no to dinner tomorrow but I guess he forgot.

[d0nnivain]

If your go to method for reaching out is texting your communications skills need work.

 

It's the holidays & he has kids That is why things have dropped off. Sit still. Be patient. At most see if you can wrangle a date for NYE. Once the holidays are over, then evaluate his behavior. It's so unfair of you to judge a single father during this stressful time of year.

 

Since you met the kids, if you exchanged Christmas presents with him, did you get them something? I'm not talking an x-box here but maybe a chocolate santa or some holiday socks. You have to show him that his kids are not a deal breaker for you.

[Angie456]

I did get them something.

 

As for texting, I do think it is a generational thing. Around my sisters’ ages is where people will either mostly call or they will mostly text. Rarely will thry do both significantly.

[staggerlee71]

This stinks!

 

I date single moms with kids. they are always running them to sports and whatever else. However, the ones that are interested are totally able to schedule a date in advance, 4 days...a week out. The ones that were not that interested behaved like your guy. Not sure, ill get back you etc. they were not great initiaters either.

 

This will be an uphill battle for you. This guy just isn't interested in being any kind of committal or flexible.

[Kevinehv]

To be honest it doesn't sound like he is really interested in you and it doesn't sound like he is a great guy either...

 

But I guess there is something that you like about him and it's a shame games have to be played in order to get someone to like you. If you still like him enough for whatever reason you should make him invest in you more and in order to do that is to make him message you more and make some kind of effort.

 

If however your 'game' doesn't really play out it could be frustrating to you so keep that in mind.

[smackie9]

This whole thing has fallen flat. Is it your nature to give guys multiple chances to redeem themselves?

 

My answer to this is to stop bickering about him and dump him. It's early days, and this is what you get...not an ideal situation you want to be in. IMO you are better off starting fresh with someone who is more suitable to your expectations...don't date a fixer upper. It's a damn waste of your time.

 

Remember first impressions count and this guy isn't very impressive. You shouldn't have to struggle darlin....and when you do, you are with the wrong person.

[jjgitties]

I asked Thursday. No response on the dinner thing so I wrote it off. To be fair, I do feel like sometimes I may need to hire secretary to manage my schedule with some days I work nights. Some days I am on days.

 

He did text me and asked if I slept in late around 5 pm (normally I am up at 4) so I guess he noticed I didn’t text him. Wish he had said yes or no to dinner tomorrow but I guess he forgot.

 

if you had asked earlier in the week, i would give him hell. but... so you asked on thursday in the daytime if he would be able to have dinner with you that night or the following night -- friday. well, that is a little short notice sometimes. it could be he was tied up.

[spiderowl]

I completely understand where you are coming from. His child is a major part of his life, so you would need to be ok with that if you continued with him, but it is basic courtesy to let you know when to meet up and who will be there. Sometimes with children, you have to make last-minute arrangements, but it sounds like he doesn't have the mental space to think ahead about you and them.

 

Expect basic decency but maybe consider whether it is worth dating a man with so much on his plate and no apparent interest in keeping in touch. You should not have to ask him when you are meeting. Drop the guy; he should make an effort for you.

[she'stheone]

I agree with you that it was totally inappropriate to bring his teen child without first letting you know.

 

Who knows why he did it. Maybe he was testing you, maybe he has no common sense (common sense, not very common), maybe he found out he had to take care of his child last minute and he figured you wouldn’t mind, maybe…

 

With that said, he may be acting cold because, he probably sensed your, as you said, “irritation”.

 

Again to be very clear, you had every right to be irritated. He may not understand your perspective or why you were irritated (you had all sorts of additional stresses that could have been triggered by his actions and you may have shown your irritation more than you originally thought.)

 

The real issue here is more about his behavior than the why or what the reason is for that behavior. Many of us men have SOME good qualities and too many women are willing to settle for some guy who seems OK.

 

NEVER EVER SETTLE!

 

Even if we’re not ready for the right person when they come along, we will grow if we work on improving ourselves. Again, never settle for someone who is OK, you (we all do) deserve someone who is great not just OK.

 

He needs to respect you, your needs and wants. If he doesn’t it’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to accept that kind of behavior (you shouldn’t). Some things can be deal breakers and it would seem to me, at least, that his behavior is a red flag (OK, way more than a red flag) of bigger and deeper issues.

 

Better to know it and move on then be with someone who does not deserve you.

[Angie456]

if you had asked earlier in the week, i would give him hell. but... so you asked on thursday in the daytime if he would be able to have dinner with you that night or the following night -- friday. well, that is a little short notice sometimes. it could be he was tied up.

Except with short notice I would think he would be able to say a “no, I have plans.” He did end up playing poker so that was annoying. If he had plans, he should say so.

 

As for this relationship, he did say he wanted to come see me yesterday but the weather was pretty bad. I think I will continue to put it on the back burner. I see him then I see him. If not, I’ll go on dates with other people.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Angie456

[BlueIvy]

I have been seeing a great guy for about two months. We went exclusive about a week ago. I found out my ex probably cheated in me and is engaged this week. I think going exclusive eas a mistake but it could be holiday stress. He has full custody of a preteen kid. I met them by surprise on the third date (he brought the child without telling me). He’s 34 and I’m 28.

 

Anyway, I feel like he isn’t making an effort. I feel like the texting has dropped off and I only saw him once this week (he was hunting last week). The date turned into a date with the kid without really asking me. It was more of a “oh hey, I’m bringing the kid, ok?” Two hours befoee the date and my car was out of comission so it wasn’t like I could run and pick up more food or kid-friendly drinks. I was irritated he did that wih little notice.

 

Rest of the week he was busy on my off days. He hung out with his friends in the afternoon. Supposedky he has some family stuff at night. I asked him if he wants to go get dinner before work Thursday or Friday yesterday. He doesn’t know yet. He did this with another date where I had to ask him almost daily for four days before he finally told me yes. I want to know so I can make plans with friends if he is busy.

 

I feel like the texting has dropped off since he got back. I know this is childish but I am not going to text him to see how long before he texts me. I feel like I am always the one who initiates the texts or proposes dates. I have a feeling he won’t bother to get back with me about meeting for the dinner even though I had asked him to please let me know.

 

I get that I’m never going to be first but this feels more like like bottom of the list. If this is how he is going to be dating exclusive, I would have rather been single. I felt better single.

 

I think I am going to wait and see how the holidays play out. I get people are busy around the holidays. I don’t want to get stuck in a cruddy relationship again. I know finding out about my ex has me down. Plus holidays are stress x 1000 with my sister’s hosting it despite her lack pf communication (dinner is at noon on the 24. Found out yesterday after my mom told me last week it was probably 5ish. I had previously texted her asking what time with no response. No one else knew it was going to be noon).

 

Plus it’s great he loves his kid. I am not really cool with most of the dates the kid is there let alone bringing them to my apartment with almost no notice. I’m not there to date the kid. Like once in awhile is fine like maybe movies or an event. I have only been seeing him for two months so getting so involved with the kid seems like a bad idea.

 

 

Dump him. You can't really change someone. I don't think it's childish you aren't texting him, because you are trying to gauge if he is truly interested, which to me, doesn't sound like it.

 

You're the main one initiating communication

You're the one suggesting dates

He brought his kid on a date without asking or informing you

You have no kids and he does

Also, you're stressed over you ex which means you aren't ready to move on. A fling maybe, a relationship??? ehhh...

 

Also, why is he bringing his kid on most of the dates? You're not the step mom and this is a new relationship. Now, his kid comes first but it seems you don't or can't handle being a 3rd wheel.

It's better for you to date a man with no kids.

 

Like, what's so great about him? He is not exerting any effort or seems excited and this is a new relationship! You don't even feel good about this, when this should be the honey moon phase.

[Angie456]

Yeah, I am going to try and have a conversation with him when he gets back about how we’re not really a good fit because I feel like there was a major drop in effort. Notice I said try. Odds are I won’t ever get a face to face with him.