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Story time: I think I lost him/playing games/ being scared


Firstlady07

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I met this guy a few years ago and instantly there was something about him that I liked and I had a crush on him I didn't know anything about him until later when I found out he was engaged or married. So of course I didn't pursue and we became friends over time. Things didn't work out with his marriage and he gets a divorce. A while after his divorce he starts trying to talk to me.

 

Turns out he had feelings for me for a long time but of course he was married so he never acted on anything. So we start talking and we talked for months he makes it plain and clear that he wants to be with me and wants me to date him he even threw in some comments about marriage and called my mom his future mother-in-law a few times. he just wanted me to give him a chance and said he would wait and he did for a while. I know he tried to get with me for over 7 months The problem is I was scared and I had a lot of reservations and not to mention I had other men interested in me that I was talking to. He's about 7 yrs older then me and has a child he's more mature and ready to settle down. Versus me with no kids young and still very inexperienced who plays games when I'm scared. No I didn't Express all of this to him but the last time he asked me to give him a chance I was honest and told him I wasn't sure if I could do that nor could I expect him to wait or ask him to and that I did have feelings for him but it was complicated.

 

So eventually we stopped talking for a while we would still speak when we saw each other but as far as trying to get with each other that had ended. Then a few months ago we started back talking but really just as friends again and I reached out to him. it was different this time around. He wasn't trying like he was the first time he would only drop a few little hints or a little bait occasionally but I would never take it or reciprocate. I was basically still doing the same thing I was doing the first time around.. playing games. But what stuck out was that he told me he loved me but he knew I didn't love him.. something he told me a lot the first time around he also made a comment about me being too scared to do something about his love life. Of course I still didn't respond appropriately and a little after this I could tell he was kind of backing off. Our last conversation involve me joking about something and he said he was serious.. which was basically about hooking up.. I in return replied I wasn't taking applicants at this time and was through with men.. big mistake

 

3 weeks later I run into him and he has his new girlfriend with him. I am pissed and hurt at the same time. No I'm not stupid I know men talk to multiple women at the same time and he probably been talking to her for a while. I also know I don't have a right to be mad since I wasn't reciprocating or acting on anything and we weren't serious. I don't know when you got with her or how long you've been talking to het and of course I'm going to act like I don't care I won't ask you about it. But to me you bringing her was an announcement that you're in a relationship and moving on. You didn't introduce her but you still spoke to me. But then the next time I saw both of you it almost seemed like you were throwing it in my face. maybe you weren't and I just felt like you were since I was in my feelings. And I guess it's getting serious because you keep bringing her around. But the other day she wasn't with you and we kept looking at each other but neither one of us said anything besides hi

 

Now I'm hurt but I don't want to say anything to you but im really hurt. I know I messed this up I played around and I wasn't trying to be mean I was just scared and unsure and dumb. And I don't want to say anything to you because if you're happy I don't want to break that up and I also don't want to get hurt more than I already am. I didn't expect for him to wait this time but I did think you would give me a little more effort but I get why you wouldn't seeing as how I was acting the same way that I acted the first time. And while I'm over here playing games another woman that you may be interested in or she's interested in you is giving you attention and acting on things when I'm not and basically turning you down. I guess I hoped you would see through my shell and see that I liked you and wanted to be with you but I was scared and wanted you to wear me down now I've lost you.

 

Again I know I screwed up. Playing games and being stupid I know communication is key to a relationship. I know sometimes you have to take risks even when your scared and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this maybe it's just to vent and get it off my chest or see if anybody else has been through something like this. I don't know I'm just wanting to get some thoughts on this.

 

Signed a very dumb silly inexperienced naive women.

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No, your gut was telling you something....you were an option, and he love bombs you to get a reaction, then wants a hook up, then comes around with his new GF......what does that tell you? You dodged a bullet.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/630798-cheating-his-fiance-me

 

Your thread above notes that he was getting married in August of this year. A month before that he was cheating on his fiance with you. In December of this year he is already divorced (?) and onto the next woman and trying to court you. All this is transpiring within a span of months.

 

Please walk away from an apparently very unhealthy and toxic man and situation.

 

Attraction alone isn't enough to forge a relationship. You need to have better boundaries and higher standards/values for yourself and what you desire from a potential partner.

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@ zahara. I walked away from that situation. This is a totally different man.

 

I apologize. The scenarios sounded quite similar and thought it was the same man.

 

In any case, it seems like your ego is bruised in that he isn't chasing you anymore. You truly have no right to be mad or question his actions.

 

If you tend to play games, then it would be best to figure out why you behave this way. When you clearly desire someone, but chose to reject them? Possibly you're afraid to get hurt/insecure so you push people away? Maybe focus on the core issue -- rather than this man. Do you behave this way with just this one or with other men as well?

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Turns out he had feelings for me for a long time but of course he was married so he never acted on anything. So we start talking and we talked for months he makes it plain and clear that he wants to be with me and wants me to date him he even threw in some comments about marriage and called my mom his future mother-in-law a few times. he just wanted me to give him a chance and said he would wait and he did for a while. I know he tried to get with me for over 7 months The problem is I was scared and I had a lot of reservations and not to mention I had other men interested in me that I was talking to. He's about 7 yrs older then me and has a child he's more mature and ready to settle down. Versus me with no kids young and still very inexperienced who plays games when I'm scared. No I didn't Express all of this to him but the last time he asked me to give him a chance I was honest and told him I wasn't sure if I could do that nor could I expect him to wait or ask him to and that I did have feelings for him but it was complicated.

 

....

 

 

Signed a very dumb silly inexperienced naive women.

 

I think you only want him because you can't have him. And it's not that HE dodged a bullet. You both mutually dodged one. Neither of you need to be in that kind of relationship.

 

Perhaps there was attraction, but you said multiple times in your first paragraph that you were hesitant and unsure for various reasons. He's been married and divorced; he has a child; you were younger and interested in other men; he came on really strong which probably turned you off a bit. You shot him down multiple times and it was only when he stopped the chase that you thought, hey, wait a minute...

 

This is so very typical.

 

Now that he has a potential girlfriend, you suddenly think you may have missed out...that maybe he had potential. But I don't think you should question your earlier reactions. They were your instincts. If you really think you run "scared" from every decent possible relationship, then it's time to evaluate that. But maybe there really was something off about this. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be about a guy calling my parents his future in-laws before we even really dated.

 

Just accept that you went with your gut. Don't let wanting what you can't have suddenly make you have regrets. He just flipped the script on you, that's all. Let it be.

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I don't think he was throwing anything in your face. You taking it like that say you're still playing games. You kinda need to get off that ride, of course.

 

I also don't see him love bombing you--I think he was playing your game right back to you because he could see through it, of couse.

 

Now he's with someone who probably doesn't play games.

 

Lesson learned: don't play games with adults because it will always backfire on you. Of course.

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You have blown your chance to have a relationship with him twice. He's a fool if he comes back a 3rd time.

 

 

As for you -- you need to find some life lessons in here & don't repeat these mistakes in the future.

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