Unsure of whether or not we are casual or more?

[Obliviate]

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 3.5 months now. The first time we hung out he was definitely flirting with me a lot. He did end up leaving earlier than expected because he was unsure of whether or not I was interested in him. That got cleared up, and the second time we hung out, we ended up sleeping together. At the time, I was totally okay with the casual-ness of this, because I wasn’t looking for anything serious.

 

But of course I caught feelings. We continue to see each other casually. He has been open about being interested in me, and he does drive 2 hours one way just to spend time with me. However, a few weeks ago I casually brought up that we should eventually figure out where this might be going. He suddenly became VERY uptight, defensive, and avoided the conversation. Obviously I pushed him so I have since laid off. Since then he has deleted his dating profiles (from what I know) and he’s willing to spend over $100 for a ticket to go to a fundraising event with me. All of this seems to point in the direction that he likes me, but how defensive and weird he was being kind of freaked me out. Not to mention how casual our hangouts are also cause me to question things.

 

Basically, I am confused and looking for some input here as far as how he might be feeling and how I should proceed.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it seems pretty clear that he just wants a casual thing with you. His reaction to your question speaks volumes.

 

If you continue to see him I can almost guarantee that you will get hurt. You won't be able to help pushing for more or reading into every little thing he says and does, hoping it means something.

 

If he enjoys the no strings attached sex, he will probably want to keep you around for that so he might give you just enough hope to keep you interested. It sucks, but unfortantely it happens. And if it does, it will mess with your head.

 

It is up to you to decide you where you draw the line. Just remember that you don't have to settle for less than you want just because you like the guy. If he doesn't care as much as you do then it might be in your best interests to cut it off now before you become even more attached.

[youngandhopeful]

I've had a recent experience where not talking about "what is this/where are we going" ended up in a car crash.

 

In hind-sight, we both wanted more, but we didn't bring it up, and now we regret it.

 

A good relationship requires openness and communication, so if you can't discuss it, then that's not a good sign. Be frank, bring it up again, and if he gives you the cold shoulder, then you've got your answer. No point spending any more time in a relationship where you both have different ideas of where it's going.

[carhill]

Two hours away (does he always visit you?) and sudden change in perspective when a relationship-related content subject was broached causes my old fart cynical brain to opine wife or girlfriend Of course, happy to be wrong.

 

Welcome to LS

Edited December 11, 2017 by carhill
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[O'Malley]

I'm getting the wife/gf/seeing other women vibe as well. Has he ever extended an invitation for you to visit him? Suggest meeting and staying at his home and going on some outings in his city on a specific date...his response will be a fairly good indicator if there is another partner(s) he's omitting from you.

 

Even if he isn't seeing anyone else, his reaction to your discussion three months in suggests that he's not interested in a serious relationship with you. At three months, if he wanted the relationship to progress he would be incorporating you into his life: inviting you to visit him, introducing you to his friends and possibly family. That he isn't doing that is a strong sign of how he perceives his interactions with you.

[marjohnee]

Don't assume exclusivity or serious intentions from him unless he's given you proof of it (by discussing it seriously and following up on it with his actions) or you will end up being hurt.

 

At this moment, it doesn't seem like he's planning to commit to anything more than casual. That may change, but it may not. If you think you can emotionally take the risk of it not changing and continuing to see him, then go along with it. If not, walk away. Either way, don't invest more than he does.

[Obliviate]

Hey everyone- thanks for all your input! I appreciate the perspective.

 

In an attempt to keep my original post as short as possible, I realize I left some details out.

 

He always comes and visits me, but has expressed I’m more than welcome to come to his place sometime. I’d like to, but I guess I’m hesitant because my last relationship was also long distance and I ended up being the one driving to him all the time, so I’ve been purposefully trying to avoid that this time around.

 

I have met one of his friends and I may be meeting more in February (that’s the weird thing, he keeps making longer term plans with me and so far has followed through with all of them).

 

I am positive he does not have a wife or girlfriend. We’re friends on all forms of social media and normally I’m pretty good about figuring that stuff out.

 

But I agree, I think I do need to have a frank discussion with him. Mainly because he actually really wants to go to this event with me, which would be odd if we weren’t actually dating considering he’ll be meeting all my coworkers and some of my friends. He did get jealous when I mentioned I might be going with a friend, and emphasized that he enjoys spending time with me. Seems crazy he’s willing to spend so much money and meet all these people in my life “just to spend time with me” if there weren’t some form of feelings there. But I do think he’s very comfortable with how things are, now, and not moving forward.