Lattes4Days Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Before anyone attacks me and calls me a cheater, I have NOT cheated yet. Let me explain... 3 years ago I met someone who I felt a very special connection with, it was an extremely special spark that I think only comes once in a lifetime, he felt like a soulmate. He was rushing me into marriage because he was in the military - long story short, I broke up with him because I was having commitment phobic issues. He married someone else shortly thereafter (which he rubbed in my face - he also rubbed the fact that they had 3somes in my face) and I regretted it every day for the next 3 years. He's now getting divorced, has apologized, and really wants to see me next week to talk about everything. Lets call him A. The second guy, lets call him B, I met him 4 months ago. We became officially bf and gf only last month because he was really dragging his feet to commit to me. Recently we've been fighting a lot due to jealousy and we don't really trust each other - mainly because he has tons of female friends (1 he hangs out alone with) and he thinks I have a stronger sex drive than him so we both have issues with trust in this relationship. He adds a few new girls on his instagram almost every week and has the nerve to say he doesn't trust me (I have given him no reason to not trust me so far). He says he cant be 100% vulnerable with me because he thinks I'm going to break his heart. I told him he's purposely pushing me away. He also has some weird hang-ups like he refuses to eat fish, he has OCD, he has an Asian fetish and I'm not Asian, and he got a female roommate recently even though I told him it made me uncomfortable. Another thing about B, is that he has shown signs of being possibly bisexual, saying he wouldn't mind sharing me with another man and he likes "muscular" women. All that being said, when I'm with B, it feels amazing, we have great chemistry and he's gorgeous. I am falling in love with him which is why this decision is so difficult for me now. B has the looks, A has the spark. I don't want to come to regret my decision. I'm going to meet A next week, just to talk, if for nothing else other than to get some closure. I want to see if the spark is still there. If I choose A, will I really be able to forgive him for marrying someone else so soon? If I choose B, how do I know he won't cheat on me with all of his red flags? Who do I choose?
Miss Spider Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I don't know, but I would drop guy B. Doesn't sound like much of a relationship at all. You guys are supposed to be in your honeymoon phase right now and it sounds like a mess 2
Sammichmaker Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Really? ..the both of those sound like relationship material to you? 9
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Really? ..the both of those sound like relationship material to you? OP, neither are good options.You must really have low standards and/or desperate for some kind of relationship. 5
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 To be honest, neither guy sounds like a great catch or trustworthy partner. I wouldn't care how much chemistry was there or how attractive the guy was. If he exhibited the behaviors you described in these men, I wouldn't give either the time of day. But that is just my opinion. What matters here is how you feel, and what you value most in a partner. What sort of man do you want to be in a relationship with long term? Think carefully about it, and then see if either of these guys meet the grade. If you are still confused. It might be best to let go of both men and move on. 2
kassy Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I'm with the other posters get rid of B because that sounds terrible. Also, A.... Well he showed you his true self by being an arse when you guys broke up, then marrying someone else which seems like it was a stupid idea. I wouldn't meet him because you don't sound like you are in a good place to judge what is a good man. And he does not sound like a good egg. Maybe try sorting yourself out a bit. You seem all over the show. Then you might find a decent guy. 2
coolheadal Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Your not a cheater. Go with (B) because you said it this way... it feels amazing, we have great chemistry and he's gorgeous. I am falling in love with him
Purepony Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I vote option c Gt some therapy and figure out why You can’t be with a guy who respects you before anything else 2
Zahara Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 I vote neither. I believe in your other thread, there was some indication that you can't stand being alone. In that sense, don't settle. 2
BarbedFenceRider Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Can you tell how old you are? And how old the "men" are? Both guys sound not good. You have a good looking guy that is great arm candy, but doesn't like fish, but may like weenie. Then you have a I suppose you military guy who probably is right out of his parents house and into this big brave world. Goes on and on about 3somes and gets divorced....Nope you need some alone and centering time.
smackie9 Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Both sound bad. Guy A makes hasty decisions he later regrets...he is unstable/unreliable. Guy B isn't BF material AT ALL. Yes he is so hot and amazing THAT'S WHY he surrounds himself with lost of women, flirts with and has any pick of them at anytime. He isn't going to commit to you, he is committed to his ego getting stroked. Save yourself the hassle, don't start making poor choices...both of them are just horrible.
kendahke Posted November 3, 2017 Posted November 3, 2017 Neither They're both 2 sides of the same coin. Neither of them can curb their female interests. A is going to be wanting to do 3somes with you and you know what you have to do to do that? Recruit the 3rd party. That means talking to other chicks (because I assume he's not talking about bringing another dude into his bed for you). Are you cool with that? I think you dodged a bullet in turning him down the first time. As to B, his lifestyle isn't aligned with yours, no matter how cute he is. Sooner or later, how he lives is going to be what tears you two apart--and he's not going to change how he lives. Find someone completely new. Don't be lazy about this--unless you want to waste your youth behind sloppy, messy guys. You're only young once. 3
Author Lattes4Days Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 I know its easy for everyone to say go with option C, neither of them. I understand. However I had been heartsick over guy A for the past 3 years, sometimes you just cant dissolve feelings no matter how hard you try (and trust me, I tried). I basically just word-vomited all of their bad traits into one post without mentioning much of their good traits, so you'll just have to trust me when I say that each of them gives me a unique feeling of bliss when we're together. I have decided to meet Guy A on Wednesday next week. I'm curious to see how it goes. Not sure if it's a date? Who am I kidding, he's probably not ready for a relationship right now anyway. Guy B, has been so wish-washy in his emotions its ridiculous. He barely texts me all day today then calls me like 4 times in a row at 8 pm because he probably convinced himself I was on a date with another guy. But I have sympathy for him because he's behaving similarly to the way I was behaving towards guy A 3 years ago. I know how it feels to be afraid of vulnerability and commitment. I think that's why I'm so patient with him. I guess I'm at a powerful position - just see which guy shows more effort and interest, right? That should make my decision pretty clear. To the poster who spoke about my fear of being alone - I actually consider myself to be very independent. I was single for 3 years before I met guy B a few months go. It was only this year when the feelings of being single became very painful. Not a feeling I'm used to. If I had a 3rd option (a better guy) I would obviously choose that, but I don't. I don't think waiting another x amount of years for that option is in my best interest right now, and to be honest, I'm curious which guy is going to win. There's a chance both of them could let me down - and even if that happens, then I'll have no choice but to go with option C.
Miss Spider Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 (edited) Well you are going to be cheating on guy B on wednesday, because if you are in an exclusive rship with him and going out with guy A to feel out the potential for a romantic relationship with him so you can monkeybranch, then that is pretty much cheating. Guy B deserves better than that I think And we may not being able to turn off our feelings but we can reason and realize when something is not going to work out, stay away, so as to not put our feelings in even more jeopardy Edited November 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough
guest569 Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 I think that guy B has good reason not to trust you! He has taken all this time to commit to you and now you're going on a "maybe date" with guy A. You're clearly not 100% into this relationship and he probably senses it. Poor guy, but he has a tonne of other women hanging around to replace you with. Guy A doesn't deserve you after how he acted, and I don't think guy B is very suitable either.
Author Lattes4Days Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 (edited) Actually I've given guy B my ALL. I've treated him like gold, he's the one constantly pushing me away and subsequently into A's arms. He's the one who refused to commit to me and disrespects my feelings with other females. I'm honestly getting to a "don't care" breaking point because he's not pulling his weight. He had all those other women around him before Guy A came back into the picture - that made me feel like crap. Am I really supposed to settle for that without at least testing out guy A? I don't think its technically cheating if me and A just talk. Edited November 4, 2017 by Lattes4Days
guest569 Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 Actually I've given guy B my ALL. I've treated him like gold, he's the one constantly pushing me away and subsequently into A's arms. He's the one who refused to commit to me and disrespects my feelings with other females. I'm honestly getting to a "don't care" breaking point because he's not pulling his weight. He had all those other women around him before Guy A came back into the picture - that made me feel like crap. Am I really supposed to settle for that without at least testing out guy A? I don't think its technically cheating if me and A just talk. Ok, that is a different tone to your previous post. You're at breaking point and fed up. It's definitely emotional cheating , imo If guy A was still happily married, would you break up with guy B?
Author Lattes4Days Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 No, if guy A was still married, I think I'd continue taking crap from guy B.
guest569 Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 No, if guy A was still married, I think I'd continue taking crap from guy B. You are fed up enough to leave, but only if there is a better offer. You are willing to settle, if there is nothing else available. Why? The pros really make it worth putting up with the cons? Would you be happy in your relationship with guy B, if guy A hadn't come crawling back? Or would you still be in this breaking point?
Author Lattes4Days Posted November 4, 2017 Author Posted November 4, 2017 Guy B was already putting me through BS before Guy A came back. That's why I'm so curious about Guy A. For example tonight, my boyfriend says he's taking a shower at 9 PM on a Friday night, then doesn't text me back at all for the rest of the night (he usually stays up until 1-2 AM) and it's already 12:30 AM. There's something iffy about his faithfulness. I can just sense it.
kazen Posted November 4, 2017 Posted November 4, 2017 Who do I choose? None of them. I would go search for C, he's probably better than both A and B.
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