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At what point do you give up on the relationship or go to therapy?


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Old 27th October 2017, 7:51 AM   #16
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My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship.
I don't think threads go back very far but I first come upon this site because my significant other and I went to therapy which she suggested! She also at the time was an Art Therapist.

It was all BS, look I was in love with this girl, and I used my work insurance to pay for the sessions. You know what she said at the end of one session?

"I cant believe you have to do so much talking in these sessions"

If you are NOT married don't waste your time, if you are arguing all the time jump ship now, unless you don't value your time, life and mental well being.
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Old 27th October 2017, 7:52 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
Either you or him do not want to be together bad enough and that's why you're not accommodating the other.
Thatís not true. I donít think it has to do with accommodating. He has insecurity issues.
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Old 27th October 2017, 7:55 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by Larryville View Post
I don't think threads go back very far but I first come upon this site because my significant other and I went to therapy which she suggested! She also at the time was an Art Therapist.

It was all BS, look I was in love with this girl, and I used my work insurance to pay for the sessions. You know what she said at the end of one session?

"I cant believe you have to do so much talking in these sessions"

If you are NOT married don't waste your time, if you are arguing all the time jump ship now, unless you don't value your time, life and mental well being.
It sounds like she wasnít that committed to the process as she thought was going to be so of course it wasnít going to work.
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Old 27th October 2017, 8:00 AM   #19
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So youíre saying even if she seeks individual therapy to still bail? I believe heíll go. He went on his own one time months ago, but stopped because he got very busy with school.
If he goes to individual therapy you can give it a bit more time but he needs to be serious about it. One visit is not therapy and being busy is not an excuse.
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Old 27th October 2017, 8:16 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by Lattes4Days View Post
My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship. There is nothing that sucks the passion out between two people more than a dreadful office, a shrink's chair, and a mediator staring at you two for an hour while you argue. Sexy!
[...]
I think couples therapy can help, but it needs to happen much sooner, once issues start to surface but before the relationship has reached a dead end. I would say that couples therapy is generally a waste because it is often used at a time when neither side is being open to it, yet nobody wants to be the one giving up on the relationship.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:01 AM   #21
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Forget my situation for a second. At what point in any relationship do you decide itís best to let it go or try to make it work by getting outside help? I just think if itís so bad that you need help because itís your last resort isnít that a sign that you should just walk away? Also, and Iím not judging others who have done this, but even considering therapy makes me feel like Iím weak. Shouldnít I just move on and find someone better? I donít want to turn into one of those people that when asked why do you stay, ďbecause I love himĒ. Then I think to myself if you do go to couples therapy isnít the main reason why youíre still fighting for the relationship because you love them?

Therapy is a tool. Youíre going to a person whoís trained to help you unpack why youíre doing some of the things youíre doing or in the case of couples counseling identify where thereís dysfunction in the relationship. Nobody knows how to fix every problem on their own, and thereís no shame in looking to others to help fix something you canít solve on your own. Thatís how I look at it.

Hereís the thing about it - this ďtoolĒ/process is embodied in another person. Every person has their own values and preferences. Therapists are SUPPOSED to be able to completely remove their bias from your situation, but a lot of hem canít do that consistently or well. So while therapy is a great tool, you have to find someone that can execute the process well. That means shopping around sharing your issues with folks over and over again, possibly having them give you bad recommendations and dealing with the repercussions of that, if and until you find the right therapist.

For a lot of couples, theyíve already expended so much emotional energy on their own trying to fix the relationship, and getting good therapy is another project that requires an emotional investment too. Sometimes you donít have that extra energy to give - especially with no guarantee of a successful outcome - and thatís fine. Everyoneís got a limit.

All this to say I think knowing when to walk away is knowing how much failure/disappointment you can tolerate without a guarantee that things will ever be fixed or better. I think some people can put in the work and be happy knowing theyíve worked at it and their work has improved things, even if the problems are never completely resolved. Other folks need the problems to be resolved if they put in that work.

This guy has some pretty big personal issues, and unless heís already working on his own to fix them (not just apologizing for behaving the way he does), it seems unlikely that you can fix the relationship.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:04 AM   #22
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At what point in any relationship do you decide itís best to let it go or try to make it work by getting outside help?
Go for therapy when you recognize you're at an impasse.

Break up when you recognize that they don't think they have a problem and won't go to therapy to get past the impasse. They'd rather be right and you can't negotiate with someone who thinks like that.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:17 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Almond_Joy View Post
Therapy is a tool. Youíre going to a person whoís trained to help you unpack why youíre doing some of the things youíre doing or in the case of couples counseling identify where thereís dysfunction in the relationship. Nobody knows how to fix every problem on their own, and thereís no shame in looking to others to help fix something you canít solve on your own. Thatís how I look at it.

Hereís the thing about it - this ďtoolĒ/process is embodied in another person. Every person has their own values and preferences. Therapists are SUPPOSED to be able to completely remove their bias from your situation, but a lot of hem canít do that consistently or well. So while therapy is a great tool, you have to find someone that can execute the process well. That means shopping around sharing your issues with folks over and over again, possibly having them give you bad recommendations and dealing with the repercussions of that, if and until you find the right therapist.

For a lot of couples, theyíve already expended so much emotional energy on their own trying to fix the relationship, and getting good therapy is another project that requires an emotional investment too. Sometimes you donít have that extra energy to give - especially with no guarantee of a successful outcome - and thatís fine. Everyoneís got a limit.

All this to say I think knowing when to walk away is knowing how much failure/disappointment you can tolerate without a guarantee that things will ever be fixed or better. I think some people can put in the work and be happy knowing theyíve worked at it and their work has improved things, even if the problems are never completely resolved. Other folks need the problems to be resolved if they put in that work.

This guy has some pretty big personal issues, and unless heís already working on his own to fix them (not just apologizing for behaving the way he does), it seems unlikely that you can fix the relationship.
He recognizes that he has an issue and went to therapy on his own before in July and stopped. I didnít believe he needed to go before (I didnít realize how bad you was), but now I know for certain therapy is needed. I guess I was just trying to figure out if the concept of therapy was silly for two people dating.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:18 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
Go for therapy when you recognize you're at an impasse.

Break up when you recognize that they don't think they have a problem and won't go to therapy to get past the impasse. They'd rather be right and you can't negotiate with someone who thinks like that.
Ah thank you. This makes it so much easier to decide. I just thought going to therapy while dating automatically meant itís not going to work.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:19 AM   #25
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How long have you been dating?
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:26 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
Go for therapy when you recognize you're at an impasse.
for clarification:
Go for individual therapy when you recognize you're at an impasse.
Couples therapy should only come in after individual therapy has taken place--your relationship is too fractured to start out with couple's therapy.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:26 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by zawadi16 View Post
I guess I was just trying to figure out if the concept of therapy was silly for two people dating.
Personally, I think it is silly for two people who are only dating, unless you have a child together.

With all the people in the world, I don't understand why some people want to force or put so much work into a dating situation that isn't working for one or both of them. Why bother? Just move on and find someone who is a better match for you. Dating shouldn't be this hard.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:29 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by zawadi16 View Post
I guess I was just trying to figure out if the concept of therapy was silly for two people dating.
Well this depends on what dating means to you.

I can be ďdatingĒ someone for three months, but if Iíve decided I want to be with this person and only this person, Iím going to consider going to therapy.

Dating usually implies people are in a trial period with each other? So I guess if thatís the phase youíre in in this relationship the amount of energy youíre willing to invest at this point has a well defined threshhold.

If heís not willing to go back to therapy I donít see how this can work....
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:34 AM   #29
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Personally, I think it is silly for two people who are only dating, unless you have a child together.

With all the people in the world, I don't understand why some people want to force or put so much work into a dating situation that isn't working for one or both of them. Why bother? Just move on and find someone who is a better match for you. Dating shouldn't be this hard.
Right, but thatís how you feel. Itís easier for all of us to say for OP to walk away because we have no emotional ties.

Counseling to make anything better should never be seen as silly, even if it doesnít work out. What if it ends up working out for OP? maybe it will, maybe it wonít. Even if it doesnít work out sheíll have much better tools from therapy to take to the next relationship. It can end up being a win win for OP where she doesnít have to wonder what if.
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Old 27th October 2017, 9:37 AM   #30
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Dating is designed to filter out the people you are not compatible with.

Here this sounds like you will be walking on eggshells around him pretty soon if it is not already happening.
Too scared to bring up any topics to speak about just in case it triggers him and he turns it all around on you and he then attacks you and makes you feel horrible about yourself.

Life is too short for all of that.
YOU are actually supposed to enjoy life, not spend it tiptoeing around guys with "issues"...
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