Divorcé red flag?

[edgygirl]

I went on a date with this 50 yo guy I met online, he doesn't say in his profile he's divorced. He told me during the date when I asked why he's not with someone, being such a cool guy. He said he's been divorced for a year. I then told him I also got divorced about 7 years ago.

 

He then asks me: "how long does it take to get over it?" Of course I understood right there that she dumped him.

 

Curiously I ran into his profile in another site TODAY, after our date, and saw that he wrote me beginning of last year. I didn't respond (I do get too many msgs and who knows what happened). So it means he's been at least separated for almost 2 years.

 

My question is: if a man is still hurting from a divorce, is it even worth it to try it with him? When I divorced I started dating thinking I was ready but looking back I know I wasn't. But I hear men move on faster. And, it's so hard to meet someone interesting. He still hasn't invited me for a second date, but if he does, is it worth it?

[Gaeta]

I would not categorize this man as 'not over it' only because he made a comment. If he ask you on a second date go ahead and say yes. Only a few dates will tell if he's over it and ready to date.

[Ieris]

He then asks me: "how long does it take to get over it?" Of course I understood right there that she dumped him.

 

I would have switched off after hearing that... I know people start dating in order to move on but no one wants to be with someone who's still thinking about someone else.

[coolheadal]

I went on a date with this 50 yo guy I met online, he doesn't say in his profile he's divorced. He told me during the date when I asked why he's not with someone, being such a cool guy. He said he's been divorced for a year. I then told him I also got divorced about 7 years ago.

 

He then asks me: "how long does it take to get over it?" Of course I understood right there that she dumped him.

 

Curiously I ran into his profile in another site TODAY, after our date, and saw that he wrote me beginning of last year. I didn't respond (I do get too many msgs and who knows what happened). So it means he's been at least separated for almost 2 years.

 

My question is: if a man is still hurting from a divorce, is it even worth it to try it with him? When I divorced I started dating thinking I was ready but looking back I know I wasn't. But I hear men move on faster. And, it's so hard to meet someone interesting. He still hasn't invited me for a second date, but if he does, is it worth it?

 

You have a very good keen observation on all of this. Correct! He's not over his prior love. Do you know how he not. He said this how long does it take to get over it? So best you can keep him as a friend in time he might fall in love with you. Right now he can't love anyone else. He needs plenty of space and time. Your ready i see to date and have loving relationship. But this my is clearly not ready.

[hercules22]

this bloke doesnt even sound like his over his ex wife why even ask the question how long does it take . just looks like he is looking to pass time

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Having dated someone who was not (and still is not) over his ex, I would not continue to date this particular man if I were you. We are all different of course, but I know I'd never do it again.

[Highndry]

I guess it's just me, but my all time least favorite subject matter when dating is exes. I don't want to talk about mine, and I surely don't like hearing about yours.

[viatori patuit]

Well I don’t quite see it as he is not over her.

 

Divorce is ugly and leaves marks. He is out dating, so he is likely over it. I didn’t date until I was over my ex.

 

So many things can cause issues - like cheating. If she cheated on him it can leave a mark and he may not want anything to do with her. I suggest seeing what he does. If he wants to date and you like him then what is the issue?

[Chilli]

Well , l dunno.

You've met someone you really like after 7yrs, so they don't grow on trees .

Even if you've been with someone else, it didn't work out and it's still 7 yrs, that's a long time and your 7yrs older.

 

So lf you really like him and think it could end up love , l'd at least give it a chance , see if you can talk more about his sitch , find out where he's really at . But try not to get too involved until you think he's ok.

 

But l'd be of a bit different view to others and it also depends how long he was married , kids? , all that too.

Had of the right girl came along , after 2yrs, 20with ex, she would have actually helped if anything .

For me a few did come along but they were nothing special and in that case no way , l wasn;'t ready. 12 mths after that someone really special did come along and l was raring to go, still tender yeah , but no way l'd pass that one up.

My 2 cents, suss it all out a bit more before any rash decisions or throwing it away.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well , l dunno.

You've met someone you really like after 7yrs, so they don't grow on trees .

Even if you've been with someone else, it didn't work out and it's still 7 yrs, that's a long time and your 7yrs older.

 

So lf you really like him and think it could end up love , l'd at least give it a chance , see if you can talk more about his sitch , find out where he's really at . But try not to get too involved until you think he's ok.

 

But l'd be of a bit different view to others and it also depends how long he was married , kids? , all that too.

Had of the right girl came along , after 2yrs, 20with ex, she would have actually helped if anything .

For me a few did come along but they were nothing special and in that case no way , l wasn;'t ready. 12 mths after that someone really special did come along and l was raring to go, still tender yeah , but no way l'd pass that one up.

My 2 cents, suss it all out a bit more before any rash decisions or throwing it away.

 

"Meeting someone" is not be all and end all of life. It's better to be single than to suffer with someone who is still not over their ex.

[elaine567]

"Meeting someone" is not be all and end all of life. It's better to be single than to suffer with someone who is still not over their ex.

 

I agree, she didn't wait 7 years to get involved with a guy who is still not over his ex.

That is a hell on earth position to be in.

At 50, I guess this will have been a long marriage, so not an easy one to get over..

Yes, she may be able to "save" him and make him feel better, but at what real cost to herself?

What will she get out of it?

Will his trials and tribulations over the break up of HIS marriage, send her back into the post-divorce abyss from where she came?

 

Curiously I ran into his profile in another site TODAY, after our date, and saw that he wrote me beginning of last year. I didn't respond (I do get too many msgs and who knows what happened). So it means he's been at least separated for almost 2 years.

Not necessarily, playing away from home may have been the reason he got divorced in the first place...

[Chilli]

Maybe , she doesn't know the real sitch yet.

talk to him about it first, find out what your dealing with.

We went through what was left together, hers was 12 yrs but only 2 yrs out mine was 19 and 3, as well as found each other.

 

like l said if it was a really long marriage though ,2yrs is probably too soon , but hey people move on in 2yrs, 2 wks ,10yrs, some never.

Edited October 14, 2017 by Chilli

[Gaeta]

I went on a date with this 50 yo guy I met online, he doesn't say in his profile he's divorced. He told me during the date when I asked why he's not with someone, being such a cool guy. He said he's been divorced for a year. I then told him I also got divorced about 7 years ago.

 

He then asks me: "how long does it take to get over it?" Of course I understood right there that she dumped him.

 

I think you completely misunderstood what he was saying.

 

He told YOU 'how long does it take to get over it' after YOU told him you had been divorced 7 years. The comment wasn't meant for himself but for YOU. It's a comment concerning you being divorced 7 years.

[edgygirl]

I don't think so Gaeta... he even mentioned something to the the effect that "it must be easier if you were not the dumped one".

[edgygirl]

So another question below, and a few points first:

 

• We met on Wednesday. During the date we talked about a restaurant we both know, and he said we should do our next date there. I agreed.
  
• He did not kiss me on the end of the date. The date was brief as he had a deadline and also did not sleep much.
  
• He texted me the next eve saying he had fun and saying "sorry I had to run". No mention of a next date. I just replied I had fun too and wished him luck on the deadline and that he got some sleep.
  
• Hes always away 3 days a week for work (verifiable by google).
  

How many days is acceptable until he books a second date? Shouldn't he at least say something like I'm busy this week with the deadline but let's meet next weekend or so? I feel when a man doesn't lock a second date after 2-3 days, he might not be that interested. It's Saturday and no second date talk Should I just move on?

Save

[edgygirl]

Elaine567, FYI he said they dated for 6 years and were married for 2. No kids. So not a super long marriage/relationship.

[elaine567]

I think had he had a real deadline and was interested then he would have made a second date to lock you down.

Perhaps, "the deadline" was just an excuse to leave early... sorry to say.

 

Doesn't sound like he is ready to date.

 

Also do you really want to get involved with a guy who works away 3 days a week anyway?

[Gaeta]

So another question below, and a few points first:

 

• We met on Wednesday. During the date we talked about a restaurant we both know, and he said we should do our next date there. I agreed.
  
• He did not kiss me on the end of the date. The date was brief as he had a deadline and also did not sleep much.
  
• He texted me the next eve saying he had fun and saying "sorry I had to run". No mention of a next date. I just replied I had fun too and wished him luck on the deadline and that he got some sleep.
  
• Hes always away 3 days a week for work (verifiable by google).
  

How many days is acceptable until he books a second date? Shouldn't he at least say something like I'm busy this week with the deadline but let's meet next weekend or so? I feel when a man doesn't lock a second date after 2-3 days, he might not be that interested. It's Saturday and no second date talk Should I just move on?

Save

 

What days of the week is he gone?

 

You know, often women have a set of rules that men know nothing about. He may not know your 2-3 days to set up a second date - rule. Men know it's best to not invite a woman last minute so in his mind if he waits Wednesday or Thursday to make his next invitation for the weekend he's playing fair.

 

Sometimes my bf and I are talking about our very first weeks of dating and he can't beleive I had all those unsaid rules in mind.

[elaine567]

Elaine567, FYI he said they dated for 6 years and were married for 2. No kids. So not a super long marriage/relationship.

 

How old was she and why did she dump him?

[edgygirl]

He's away Monday-Wednesday - hence we met last Wed. right when he got back to the city.

 

Very true what you said below. I hate that it's bothering me so much that he hasn't made plans and this is the 3rd day since date. I can know later if he's deadline is real as it's for something public that can be verified online - he's kind of a public person. Still... hate waiting.

 

What days of the week is he gone?

 

You know, often women have a set of rules that men know nothing about. He may not know your 2-3 days to set up a second date - rule. Men know it's best to not invite a woman last minute so in his mind if he waits Wednesday or Thursday to make his next invitation for the weekend he's playing fair.

 

Sometimes my bf and I are talking about our very first weeks of dating and he can't beleive I had all those unsaid rules in mind.

[Gaeta]

Elaine567, FYI he said they dated for 6 years and were married for 2. No kids. So not a super long marriage/relationship.

 

Dating 6 years? that seems odd.

 

Was it dating-dating or they were living together? If they were dating-dating for 6 years I smell a commitment-phobe

[edgygirl]

I have no clue - I got a little paralyzed by the fact he was divorced as I assumed by his profile he was a single bachelor who has never been married. I should have asked more details when he gave me the chance to, but I didn't.

 

How old was she and why did she dump him?

[edgygirl]

I didn't have the chance to ask so I have no clue. I actually mentioned I liked that he was married before (I thought he was a 50 yo who has never been married), and that it shows at least he's not a commitment phobe (as I assumed), and he said he actually likes commitment. He seemed genuine.

 

Dating 6 years? that seems odd.

 

Was it dating-dating or they were living together? If they were dating-dating for 6 years I smell a commitment-phobe

[Chilli]

l dunno about the rest but only 7-8 yrs , he should be fine to go. My gf was and they were married. Yeah she still had stuff but we got through it.

dunno why you'd worry he was divorced, your divorced.

Anyway , see what happens when he gets back if you don't hear before.

[Cookiesandough]

I've asked that same question to several of my dates. xD All I gots to say is walk away and don't look back.