Moved In Together and it's Not Going as Expected

[FerociousBadAss]

Hey everyone. Been with my man for a long time and we've made the big jump to move in together ... But... I am surprised by how little we talk. My living situations have always involved family, friends, or S.O.'s whoever enjoying sharing how their day was and heading how mine was at least. I FEEL like every weekday interaction is an undesired formality because he is always eager to get right to his own work on his hobbies/passions. I'm asking myself if this is just a growing pain of coming together as he is more independent than me or an early growing pain of falling apart bc we are too different. Any advice or thoughts?

[Gaeta]

How long exactly had you been dating before moving in?

 

That is exactly why we say there is a world of difference between dating a person and living with them. I dated my ex-husband for 3 years before we moved in together and he changed completely once we were under the same roof. When we were dating I was his beloved girlfriend, the moment we moved in together I became his mother. There was no more need to dine and wine me. I was taken for granted from that moment.

 

Yes when a couple move in together there is an amount of routine to be expected but any couple that understand the dangers and traps of routine will put aside time for each other on weekly basis. That's what makes the diffence between being a couple versus being room-mates.

 

The routine is innevitable. When my boyfriend stays over all week he expects me to give him all of my evening time. I can't do that. The laundry needs to be done, meals have to be cooked, lunch-bags have to be prepared, the dog needs to be walked, etc. If you expect living together is like being on a date each night, it's unrealistic a bit.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Gaeta

[neowulf]

This is something I've experienced first hand on more than a few occasions.

 

I don't know if it's an expectation thing, or a weird side effect of the break down of traditional gender roles.

 

I pointed out to the other day that I don't actually "need" my girlfriend for anything.

 

I take care of my own food, washing, cleaning, running my life. I don't need a mother. So in the end, if you aren't leaning on each other for help, then you very quickly *do* become like room mates.

 

Think about it. If you're basically just two people living your own lives but under the same roof, you basically *are* room mates.

 

Couples are ideally partners. I think people have gotten so used to being solo in this life that they've forgotten how to function as part of a real couple.

 

Maybe it's a good time to sit down and have a chat with your BF about what your expectations of each other actually are?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The routine is innevitable. When my boyfriend stays over all week he expects me to give him all of my evening time. I can't do that. The laundry needs to be done, meals have to be cooked, lunch-bags have to be prepared, the dog needs to be walked, etc. If you expect living together is like being on a date each night, it's unrealistic a bit.

 

Yes! One of the reasons I don't want to date right now is because in my experience, the other person always wants to spend every free waking minute (that we don't have our kids) just "being together." I go stir crazy if I'm in my house on a weekend just "being together" when I know the laundry still needs done, house still needs cleaned, etc. It gets to be like being on a weekend "away" every other weekend and it's hard to find the time to DO everything. I think once you move in together, if one person of the couple still expects things to operate that way (soooo much "being together" time), it can feel really suffocating to the other person because life still needs to happen. I think the "beauty" of living together is that you do not have to spend such huge chunks of time doing nothing but being together (not that that is not necessary sometimes, weekends away, etc.).....you can still get your **** done, but also still be together. OK now I'm rambling.

[FerociousBadAss]

We've been together 3.5 years. I don't expect weeknights to be date night, but seriously get complete and total silence now and again and feel / treated like a nag for wanting some interaction.

 

I guess it makes sense to have a talk.. Just saw everything going differently.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hey everyone. Been with my man for a long time and we've made the big jump to move in together ... But... I am surprised by how little we talk. My living situations have always involved family, friends, or S.O.'s whoever enjoying sharing how their day was and heading how mine was at least. I FEEL like every weekday interaction is an undesired formality because he is always eager to get right to his own work on his hobbies/passions. I'm asking myself if this is just a growing pain of coming together as he is more independent than me or an early growing pain of falling apart bc we are too different. Any advice or thoughts?

 

It sounds like to me that you two never really had much in common. Talking about how one's day was is not 'common interests.' You two are struggling b/c you simply didn't find the time to figure out what and how you complement one another.

[PegNosePete]

get complete and total silence now and again and feel / treated like a nag for wanting some interaction.

That's pretty weird. You at least have dinner together? I think it's pretty normal to talk over dinner (whilst preparing and eating and cleaning after), then do daily chores, and then go to your respective activities afterwards. That way you get a rounded experience including interaction.

 

It might sound a bit cheesy but a weekly date night is useful, at the very least it gets you out of the repetitive home routine.

[Gaeta]

OP what is a typical evening week night at your home? Do you have dinner together? do you clean up together after dinner? Do you share a favorite interest like gardening, roller-blading, biking? What were your favorite things to do togehter before moving in together?

[d0nnivain]

The first few months of living with somebody are an adjustment. Have you both lived with other SOs before? If he never has, he might not understand the dynamic. Some people also need some alone time to decompress after work. I know DH & I do.

 

It took a while but this is how we kind of fell into handling it. I often get home before DH. So when he comes in, I'd be ready to talk but he'd need to be alone. That hurt at first. We compromised. A kiss hello & 5 minutes of chit chat -- how was your day etc. Extraordinary events get longer; like yesterday. He gets ready in silence so we didn't hear about the Las Vagas shootings together. When he got home, like many people, I needed a big hug. On an ordinary day, after the 5 minutes he'd go in his man cave while I made dinner. We'd talk at dinner. Sometimes he'd stay in the living room & we'd continue. Other times I'd watch TV alone & he'd disappear in the man cave. I go to sleep before him so I'd go into the cave to say good night. Sometimes I'd ask for a cuddle & he'd come up with me for a few minutes then head back down. He needs way less sleep then I do.

 

When I get home second -- it's usually well after dinner time -- but I get left alone for 1/2 hour or so until I'm decompressed enough to interact.

[FerociousBadAss]

In some ways we have a lot in common and in other ways it feels like we are completely opposites. We have similar views on religious beliefs, political beliefs, socio-economic stances, and hobbies/activities. But we are very opposite when it comes to stuff like how laid back/casual he is vs how formal I can be.

 

I think the whole not-having-dinner-together thing you're all mentioning is huge. We both tend to have to work late and then work out after working late so we're often not both home until 8ish...at that point it isn't uncommon that one of us grabbed dinner already or we just eat leftovers separate when we get home bc there is no knowing when the other will get there. Whenever we can eat together there's always more balance with connecting.

 

A lot of you mention decompressing and getting things done after work. I think it makes a lot of sense to keep this in mind more than I have been. It's not like I don't love to decompress and get stuff done myself it's just that I think we'll have to work more to find more of a good balance for us between those things and basic level connecting.

[FerociousBadAss]

Thanks this is really helpful. No he hasn't really ever lived with a SO before so this is new to him. It probably does feel like a huge adjustment to him. Actually he really hasn't lived with anyone, even roommates for the last 10 years.

 

Thanks for sharing what has worked for you

[Els]

We've been together 3.5 years. I don't expect weeknights to be date night, but seriously get complete and total silence now and again and feel / treated like a nag for wanting some interaction.

 

In my experience this is not common or something that is to be expected. We've been together for many years, and there is still a lot of affection and quality time together on weeknights. Of course we're not having uber sexy 5 hour date nights then... but we talk, laugh, do fun stuff together (even if it's only watching a show or playing a game), cuddle.

 

That being said, personal time where you don't HAVE to talk or interact is also important, but it has to be a balance of both.

[d0nnivain]

The set a dinner time & make a plan to both be home to eat together. A crockpot is a great way to have dinner ready when you get home. It will be an adjustment because neither of you are used to a schedule at the end of your day.

[Chilli]

He's def not use to it. Dunno if it'll change as he gets use to it.Maybe not that much because he's been so many years living alone.

Funny though , before l was married l lived with a girl that we didn't really talk much. Just little light chit chat was usually about it.

 

Strangest thing was though we could still spend a lot of time together and be quite comfortable.

l did get a bit frustrated with her at times though.

 

ld it any better on the weekends when there's more time and no ones tired., that's a pretty long day weekdays and late home .

[Gaeta]

If you both get home at 8h there isn't much time left. You both went to the gym so you got your 'alone' time already. What is it that he does once home? that he doesn't want to interact with you? Is it something like playing games?

 

Do you go to bed at the same time?

[herodgrant]

How long exactly had you been dating before moving in?

 

That is exactly why we say there is a world of difference between dating a person and living with them. I dated my ex-husband for 3 years before we moved in together and he changed completely once we were under the same roof. When we were dating I was his beloved girlfriend, the moment we moved in together I became his mother. There was no more need to dine and wine me. I was taken for granted from that moment.

 

Yes when a couple move in together there is an amount of routine to be expected but any couple that understand the dangers and traps of routine will put aside time for each other on weekly basis. That's what makes the diffence between being a couple versus being room-mates.

 

The routine is innevitable. When my boyfriend stays over all week he expects me to give him all of my evening time. I can't do that. The laundry needs to be done, meals have to be cooked, lunch-bags have to be prepared, the dog needs to be walked, etc. If you expect living together is like being on a date each night, it's unrealistic a bit.

 

So why did you marry him if you said you immediately became like a mother to him?

[Gaeta]

So why did you marry him if you said you immediately became like a mother to him?

 

We only moved in together after we married.

 

Like I said, we dated 3 years. When we dated he was the perfect boyfriend. I married him because I loved him, I loved the man I dated. He became someone different once married. How could I have known that ahead of time? Yes, by living with him first, but we didn't. That's why I am telling OP that dating someone is different than living with them. What she sees is what she gets, she should leave him, and certainly not marry him. She knows ahead of time what she's getting into, I didn't.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

Getting used to each other takes time, and some communication. When me and my husband started to live together, it got challenging and I was second guessing my decision. lol

[coolheadal]

We've been together 3.5 years. I don't expect weeknights to be date night, but seriously get complete and total silence now and again and feel / treated like a nag for wanting some interaction.

 

I guess it makes sense to have a talk.. Just saw everything going differently.

 

You know the answer already this is not how it suppose to be. Your with him 3.5 years how where those years together? You the type of woman who wants communication and not dead silence. If he has his own things to without you then you should have seen that coming. Sure you can't be attached to the hip 100% these people like to be independent (left alone) what I had prior with my ex-wife that's not a good way to live. She would always say"after I had asked to watch a TV show or movie I had recorded on DVR. - Her reply was very cold ti sounded like this "IF I WANTED TO WATCH ANYTHING WITH YOU I WOULD LET YOU KNOW! BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T!"

 

That's really right down mean, so I ended up in my own home office and did my own things. I going to share that above with you because you need to know how some of them think. If you experience anything like that you have to decide if they're worth your time or not worth it! In my case she wasn't I am so glad I am not with her ever again, we don't even talk NC -NO CONTACT

 

What you need is a real man who enjoy's your company and time you share together even talk things out. Go out have fun and enjoy the life you have. Don't be a victim of neglect... It get's very lonely that way..