Is it normal to be dating someone you feel that's in-between "settling" and "perfect"

[CoolJoe]

?

 

I'm currently seeing someone who I've been dating for two months now. We live two hours apart and we've been on five dates so far. The distance doesn't bother me much as two hours isn't too bad especially since we always sleep over when we see each other. So it's not like I'm driving four total hours in the span of half a day, or vice versa for her.

 

I like her. Many times a lot. But there are a few times where I find myself questioning if she is the right perfect match for me. Is this normal? I don't think I'm settling to be with her, but at the same time I don't feel like she is my dream girl. I feel sort of caught in-between. Not enough to end things, but enough to feel slightly like "Am I settling a bit?" at a few random times. I just always imagined I'd be with a certain girl... always had that image in my head and if I'm honest, she's not the kind of girl I pictured myself being with.

 

However, she's sweet and generally an awesome person. I am attracted to her but she isn't the type if I saw across the room I would instantly crush on or fall for. But perhaps that's a good thing, as I've often flamed out with such girls.

 

I guess also I'm used to being single for so long that my "loss of freedom" is playing mind tricks on me and giving me, at times, a small case of cold feet.

 

I don't want to get ahead of myself but if I play my cards right, I think it's very feasible that marriage is down the road. I think because I'm thinking that far down the road that it's messing with me a bit, and there's a tendency to want to go back to status quo (i.e. singleness, freedom) that naturally seeps into my subconscious at times.

 

I'm 95% sure that I like her enough to want to continue this and see if it can't eventually head toward marriage. But it's that 5% that led me to post this message. I'm sure I'm not alone so I'm asking for feedback or fellow stories.

 

Basically, I like her. I'm not lukewarm (a 5 or 6 on the like scale) but I'm also not a mad 9 or 10 out of 10 on the like scale. Maybe 8 to 8.5. I don't feel like I'm settling per se, but I also don't feel at this time that she is my ultimate dream girl. I'm trying to ignore these feelings but they seep out once in a while. How normal is this?

 

Also, please don't say "Dump her. She deserves someone who is into her 100%." I treat her well and I do really like her. I think it's normal to have these feelings however early on in a budding relationship. We're not BF GF yet but we'll almost definitely will be, assuming I don't mess things up. Just came here for similar stories or words of wisdom. I could see her as my wife one day so I am not breaking up with her, lol.

[No_Go]

I'm 95% sure that I like her enough to want to continue this and see if it can't eventually head toward marriage

 

Aren't you jumping way ahead of yourself? You've seen her 5 times - I'd be terrified if I had to think about marriage with someone I've seen 5 times.

 

Otherwise sounds just normal to me - it is long distance, this by itself may explain the 5% hesitation because it will supposedly require one of you relocating if things get more serious.

[Gaeta]

About your give it 6 months before checking with yourself if she is your dream girl. You are way ahead of yourself here.

[clia]

When I hear people talking about things like "dream girl," "ultimate dream girl," and "perfect match" it makes me wonder if they are set on some unattainable Disney movie fantasy. Words like "perfect" and "dream" may have you trying to reach an unattainable bar. In real life, every woman you will ever meet will have flaws in some way. If you keep looking for something "better" or "perfect" you run the risk of ending up with nothing at all.

 

That said, I agree with the others that you are getting ahead of yourself and should just see how you are feeling about her at the six month mark.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been single for a long time (on and off) but I tend to always want to return to being single. That's my most comfortable state. I think that's a bit of what's going on with you as well.

 

"Newton's first law of motion describes inertia. According to this law, a body at rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion"

 

I think it's something you will need to push through if you do desire to be in a long term relationship.

[SevenCity]

Within 3-6 months you'll have a much better idea of how you feel and its way too early to think about that now. I've found women can keep up a facade for 6 months if they are good, 3 months usually. It's at this point they fall back into who they really are, as will you, and you can see if you are even compatible any longer.

 

The last girl I dated seemed to have a lot of great qualities but it wasn't until about 3 months that I saw the true person she was (selfish, entitled, and immature). She was already talking about marriage but I kept my cool. And emotions in check. I'm glad I did.

 

It's tough to take advice from women as their emotions grow slowly over time (most). Therefore, you will hear many stories from women who met a guy who became their their husband that they weren't gaga over originally.

 

Men, on the other hand, tend to be all in right away with the "right" girl. When you don't feel this it can make you feel they are not a good match - and you could be right.

 

My ex wife was like that but I married her because she was such a good person. It didn't last. My ex gf was a spark from our first date which lasted almost 7 years - I was planning to marry her but she dumped me.

 

I won't get married to a girl unless I feel what I had with my ex but guys too can have their feelings grow. A lot of it is based on attraction and what wasn't so great before you dated has become the most beautiful woman in the world (in your eyes) through caring, compassion, and great sex.

 

Best advice is to live in the present and don't cloud your mind with what ifs. You will know in time.

[limichelle]

You can tell early on how you feel about someone but talking about marriage is moving it too fast. If you feel in your gut it's not 100% then maybe it will change into that percentage over time or won't. It's only been two months.

 

Also we don't always end up with the picture of someone we had in mind growing up. Love doesn't work that way.

 

Lisa

[Cookiesandough]

I think the distance plays a big part, but also the lack of visceral physical attraction. This is the' honeymoon' stage. It doesn't sound like you're that attracted to her tbh. Some will say wait it might change, but I don't think it's worth it. You should feel excited about the person imo. I feel like people that never feel this about their partners and slip into the comforting stage of love would be more prone to looking outside the relationship or if they're really disciplined, just never be fully satisfied and maybe not even know why. Like a declawed housecat looking out the window

Edited August 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Usename12]

OP, can you elaborate what you mean by 95%? Is it more looks, personality, habits that annoy you? Is she heavier than you're used to, too skinny, has a big nose, a uni-brow? Is she not feminine enough, too feminine? Just trying to pin down exactly where you're not feeling it. Are you expecting an SI Swimsuit model?

[Cookiesandough]

Opie says that if he looked across the room he wouldn't immediately crush on her which tells me this is like kind of a physical type thing but I don't know. Maybe opus can be more specific. It's interesting to me that people aren't able to pinpoint it, because it's so easy for me, but I get most people don't analyze things as much

Edited August 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[JuneJulySeptember]

?

 

 

I like her. Many times a lot. But there are a few times where I find myself questioning if she is the right perfect match for me. Is this normal? I don't think I'm settling to be with her, but at the same time I don't feel like she is my dream girl. I feel sort of caught in-between. Not enough to end things, but enough to feel slightly like "Am I settling a bit?" at a few random times. I just always imagined I'd be with a certain girl... always had that image in my head and if I'm honest, she's not the kind of girl I pictured myself being with.

.

 

I'm pretty sure this is the way most people feel about the person they ultimately marry.

 

I think it's normal personally.

 

There are days I wonder what would happen if I just dumped my girlfriend and started looking for somebody who was a better match. But she makes me happy.

 

It's a tough one...

[central]

I've NEVER met anyone as compatible as my wife - and she isn't perfect. Just close. No one is perfect, seriously.

 

I would say, never settle, but you do have to be realistic about your prospects, and some minor compromise may be necessary.

 

The main question is, are there any red flag issues, or deal-break incompatibilities? They may appear later, of course, but for now, do you see anything at that level? If so, move on now. If not, see where it goes.

 

IMO, you need comparable values, mutually acceptable personal and life goals, and no habits or issues that will corrode like and trust.

[CoolJoe]

I think the distance plays a big part, but also the lack of visceral physical attraction. This is the honeymoon stage. It doesn't sound like you're that attracted to her tbh. Some will say wait it might change, but I don't think it's worth it. You should feel excited about the person imo. I feel like people that never feel this about their partners and slip into the comforting stage of love would be more prone to looking outside the relationship or if they're really disciplined, just never be fully satisfied and maybe not even know why. Like a declawed housecat looking out the window

 

I am attracted to her, but not as much as my previous ex's during the first 2-3 months. However, I am attracted and the others flamed out.

 

 

OP, can you elaborate what you mean by 95%? Is it more looks, personality, habits that annoy you? Is she heavier than you're used to, too skinny, has a big nose, a uni-brow? Is she not feminine enough, too feminine? Just trying to pin down exactly where you're not feeling it. Are you expecting an SI Swimsuit model?

 

Not expecting an SI Swimsuit model, but from certain angles she doesn't look as nice as I would hope. However, from other angles I find her very attractive. Some of her clothes accentuate her best features but she sometimes wears clothes that does the opposite. However, I realize I am being nit-picky and a bit shallow when I have these thoughts. Her personality is very sweet, although sometimes her texting can be a bit bland. For example, she'll wish me a good morning or afternoon, but I much prefer it when the girl leads into it with a story or something more juicy. Like "Whoa, this just happened at work!" rather than "How's your day going?" Again, nit picking...

 

 

I'm pretty sure this is the way most people feel about the person they ultimately marry.

 

I think it's normal personally.

 

There are days I wonder what would happen if I just dumped my girlfriend and started looking for somebody who was a better match. But she makes me happy.

 

It's a tough one...

 

It is tough but you're right. She makes me happy and I make her happy. Everything else will work itself out in the end as it should.

 

 

I've NEVER met anyone as compatible as my wife - and she isn't perfect. Just close. No one is perfect, seriously.

 

I would say, never settle, but you do have to be realistic about your prospects, and some minor compromise may be necessary.

 

The main question is, are there any red flag issues, or deal-break incompatibilities? They may appear later, of course, but for now, do you see anything at that level? If so, move on now. If not, see where it goes.

 

IMO, you need comparable values, mutually acceptable personal and life goals, and no habits or issues that will corrode like and trust.

 

So true. I don't want to give up on her only to regret it. I really do think we can build something long term, and if I jump ship I may end up thinking "if only I stayed." For now, I will continue dating her until one of us feels it's no longer working out.

 

I do like her a lot. It's just I post my deepest thoughts here and sometimes I may overanalyze. But yeah, I do like her a lot.

[cp30]

I can relate to this so much right now.

 

When I met my most recent ex, the attraction was undeniable. Like two magnets being drawn together. But eventually our differences (mostly in age and maturity levels) caught up with us and although at the time I wanted to try to work things out, in hindsight I see it needed to end.

 

With the new guy I'm seeing, I don't yet feel that level of attraction (we've only been seeing each other for about a month), and I'm afraid that it'll never get to that level and I'll have wasted both of our time.

 

On paper, I feel like we are very compatible with a lot of the same interests and we have a great time when we get together, but I just don't feel the "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling I had with the ex. And there are some things I'm not sure about (he has kids, I don't and I don't know how I feel about being a step mom, but that's putting the cart before the horse) and sometimes he says oh-so-nerdy things that make me cringe... Neither of those are necessarily dealbreakers, but I just don't know if he is the perfect guy for me.

 

But as I said, we are only a month in and I also have the tendency to overanalyze!